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Oh my darlings,

I feel so so stressed, my anxiety is at it's worst....

As you know, i saw B today.

We didn't go to the cinema in the end, we went to his house and watched movies. And i bought a new calender, a wolf one, as they are my favourite animal :) 

As i've said in previous posts B has feelings for me...so whilst txting S....we were cuddling....B knows the situation, and how i don't think i want a relationship with him...but it didn't stop him from cuddling me..and then telling me he thinks he loves me.........which ended up, us kissing...........

I KNOW!!! SLAG.

I shouldn't of kissed him.

But i'm not leading him on because he knows the situation.

He then came back to mine for a bit, and watched TV..we held hands...then he left...he said he knew nothing would come of this and he didn't mind and said i just needed to do what made me happy.

B worships the ground i walk on practically..so why can't i love him????????

I'M MAD.

S is being overly loveing lately....after being a dick....it's making me suspicious....

telling me he can't live without me etc....

And the psychiatrists think I'M bipolar...they should check him out!

Anyway...so thats how my day went....

Me and B cuddling and kissing..while txting S....

Ergh.

I'm disgusting.

I don't know what i want...i just want to be loved.

I've been so honest and good my whole life to people, maybe this is my chance to try life a new way? Lie, cheat..be a bitch.

Calorie intake was good today!!

600cals or less?

I have to go to the doctors tomorrow for more pills...

That stresses me out just thinking about it...because everytime i do go, they ask me a million questions before handing over the prescription.

On a good note, my book i ordered AGES AGO came today! :D

So i'll have a good read now!

If you still want to follow me after this bitchy post, i thankyou.

Astra x

I Don't Know What I Would Do Without You...

i'm not sure where to begin....

I did cut last night...not badly, but just enough to get rid of the emotional pain i was in. It kinda worked. S and me had a massive falling out....i think we are ok now...

Sorry if none of this makes sense, i'm so drugged up i dunno where i'm at! I'm so so tired....I can barely stay awake and it's only 11pm!

Remember B?

His taking me to the cinema tomorrow to see the new Sherlock Holmes film :)

His a love!

So tomorrow should be ok...

I'm restricting tomorrow.

No excuses.

I hope your all doing well,

i love you!!

Astra x

Binge, Depresssed....Binge More...

Empty.

That's how i feel. 

Just numbness every inch of my body.

I've binged so much, i'm not sure i even care at this moment in time.

I've eaten enough food to feed a small country.

I'll binge more, it's inevitable.

My mood has just plummeted again, surprise, surprise....

I just want to sleep this pain away.

I hate my life.

How the fuk can i go from feeling OK, to feeling so depressed...I simply don't understand.

And i have to hide it of course because i don't want to talk about it with my mum.

So i write it here.

I feel shit. I've gained. I've lost control.

I feel like i'm rotting inside....my acne is terrible.......my eczema is terrible.....i look and feel so ugly.
I actually right now at this point, want to die. I'm so close to cutting.
Maybe i will cut. I deserve it.

Astra x

Merry Christmas Eve Skinny's! :)

Well my dear beauties, it's Christmas eve!

Lets hope tomorrow isn't too stressful!!

I've decided to take Mich's advice and just eat like a normal person tomorrow :)

(I'll feel bad later, but hey ho!)

Thankyou also to Breatheme For the advice :)

I'll try to take all advice into consideration for tomorrow so i don't binge!!

I swear i've eaten so so much today.......

Still under 92lbs though.

I feel sick from what i've eaten today.... I won't even go into it...

Just a lot of food was consumed. That is all i shall say on the matter!

My excema looks a little better today also, which is good! Thank god for that cream!!

I also tried Bongela to help with the pain in my mouth ( Bloody wisdom teeth) It certainly numbed it!! ....Along with the rest of my mouth!! Oooppss....

I hope tomorrow goes brilliant for you all!

If i don't blog tomorrow night, i hope you all have a fabulous Christmas!! :)

Stay strong lovelies,

I love you all!

Astra x

The Binge Monster Is Back, With A Vengeance.

Dear beauties,

I hurt, a lot.

My bloody wisdom teeth are coming through :( It's giving me massive headaches!

Why do they call them wisdom teeth anyway? You don't get any wisdom from them! Stupid things.

So on top of taking my 5 pills a day to keep me sane, i'm also taking tons of paracetamol XD

DRUGGIE!!!!!! Haha.

Went to the doctors today for my excema, god it looks disgusting.

Got some more cream for it, so hopefully that'll work!!

I decided, just a minute ago actually, tomorrow will be a mini fast day.

When i say mini fast i mean eating as little as humanly possible.

Because lately i can't control my hunger, bloody pills.

And Christmas will be a binge fest too. So tomorrow i must have control.

I must of eaten a zillion calories these past few days.

We have so much food in the house now for Christmas...it's a nightmare.

I keep seeing white feathers everywhere i go now since my dad came to see me, i dunno if it is him or not, or it's just coincidence i keep coming across pure white fluffy feathers....

Anyway...

I hope all you amazing girls are doing ok?

I love you all so much!

Astra x

Must Stop Stressing. NEED TO STOP STRESSING.

Dear beauties,

I need to chill out.

I need to stop stressing out about EVERYTHING.

I was even panicing today over the fact i had to take a faulty eyeliner back to the shop!

I mean, what the hell???

Fucking anxiety. That's what.

It's taking control of my life.

I'm even stressing so much that my new bra doesn't fit properly, and i've binned the receipt. It does fit, just like all my others, i've just managed to convince myself it doesn't look good on me.

WTF!!??

My excema is hell at the moment all over my legs..it looks disgusting, all red a bumpy =/

Wow...that's going to help my self esteem!

I ended up telling my mum last night that i can't cope with Christmas round my nans, so she has canceled, we are spending it at home now. And now i feel majorly guilty. A little less stressed though. I hope we spend it at my other nans instead, because it's so much quieter there.

I've also been thinking lately, i want to join a church? Like a spiritualist church?

I want to be part of something, where no one judges or thinks horrible things of you, and just accepts you for who you are. I want something to believe in.

I feel like my life is going no where and the depression has taken over.

Everything is at a stand still.

I have no idea how to "join" a church though.......

Oh yeah! And S is going out tomorrow night..getting drunk with people......PARANOIA KICKING IN. Girls will be there.....FUCK.

I wish i could escape this.

I could babble on forever about how i feel right now.

I know i've gained. The space between my thighs is getting smaller....

Thanks pills. So no matter what i eat or how little i eat, it'll make no difference because it's the pills alone thats making me gain.

I want this to end.

Astra x

Don't Doubt, Just Believe.

Oh my lovelies,

My day started off so beautifully.

Magical if you want.

I shall tear this post in two, the magical part, then the disgusting terrifying part.

Magical part:

 I went with my grandparents to put down a Christmas tree at my Dad's grave, we tidied it up and made it look pretty. I then went into town with my Grandma, Everything from then on, linked together, making signs. Doesn't make sense? I'll explain.

We went to Topshop as i wanted a new top, and bumped into my Grandma's friend, who's a clairvoyant, and who knew my Dad, she said i had a golden aura around me. I think that's good, this links to the fact that i have been thinking for months how i would want to join their spiritualist church, to become a part of something happy and safe. A way perhaps to speak to my Dad. Me and my Grandma ended up speaking a lot about me joining over coffee. Then went into another shop an i was instantly drawn to this angel figurine, i couldn't take my eyes off it. In the end my Grandma bought it for me, it's beautiful. I could feel my dad around me, actually there, with me, willing me to buy it. Then we proceeded to M&S for food shopping and instantly came across white lilies ( My dad's favourite flower.) We laughed because by that time i had told her, i could feel him around me, and he was just sending signs, I even came across a white feather sitting in a Christmas tree, i knew it was from him because i felt an urgency to look in the direction, where it sat, and it was directly in my path. Then on my way home on the bus, i asked him in my head to give me a sign he was near, and instantly saw in my direct line of view, a magpie, his favourite bird and the words, "don't doubt, just believe" popped in my head, out of no where. I then asked for another sign, and there it was, two white feathers sitting in my driveway. It was him, i could actually feel him. I felt calm, at peace. Happy.

The disgusting terrifying bit:

I am now sitting here, with voices in my head again, and the massive urge to cut. My mood has just gone. I feel crazy!!! I found myself sitting in the bathroom staring into the mirror for about 10 minutes. I feel so disgusting. I scribbled in my diary LEAVE ME ALONE. to the voices in my head. It hasn't worked. 387584753734 calories consumed today. Probably. Stupid pig. I hate myself.

I'm stressing so so much about Christmas. I hate it, i want it to go away. My mum has made plans to go away to my nans, to see ALL the family. My anxiety goes through the roof just thinking about it.....i can't handle that many people. The fake smiles. The lies. The loneliness. The vulnerability. The paranoia.

HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT.

I'm the let down of the family, the ugly one.

I've always been compared to my cousin, who now has a stable relationship, she's beautiful, she looks like Dita von teese. NO JOKE. She has a well paid job and is happy. Then there is me. The fuck up.

.No job

.No future

.Ugly

.Freak

I'm sorry this ended to depressing...

Astra x

Om Nom Nom Nom.... Fat Pig.

Hello beautiful people,

It's always the same isn't it?

Get up, get through the day without dying, then bed.

Well, that's the way my life seems to be at th moment.

My moods are like a rollarcoaster.

I can't keep up with myself.

I'm a wreck. A binge monster.

I know i've gained. I can feel it. I can SEE it.

I hate my life. Always will, i'm starting to accept fate. I'll never be happy.

Everyone leaves in the end. 

I feel so ugly and pathetic, i'm so tired and zoned out because of these drugs ( And fat) i can't even bring myself to cut. That's how lazy i've become.

I need exercises to tone my belly, help me????

I missed you girls tons when i was gone, i couldn't wait to get home. For a number of reasons.

I love you all so much, your all my rock.

Astra x

Just A Quickie!

Hello beauties,

Just a quickie before i go off for a week at S's, because obviously i can't blog at his....

Food intake for today NOTHING!!!!!!!!!

And about the modelling thing, i emailed the photographer to see if she would consider doing a shoot in my hometown...fingers crossed!

I'm going to try to keep my intake for the week under 1000 als. If possible!

S is taking me to see the new twilight film, so there's gna be popcorn........

And under wear shopping? HAHAHAH!

I hope all you girls are doing fine, ill see you next week :)

I love you all

Astra x

So Fucking Depressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARRGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Omg my beauties........

I am so so so upset....

I applied online to be a suicide girl ( It's a modeling agency) and they emailed me back today saying they ACCEPTED my application and that i was the perfect candidate. All i needed was to fill in some forms and scan them in etc.

FUCK

I don't have a scanner nor do i know anyone with a scanner, and i don't have a passport which is part of the application. So I CAN'T go any further with them.

FUCK MY LIFE.

I'm so upset as i write this..I just want to cry. The biggest confidence boost you can get, came crashing down on me. I even got a email from a photographer who saw my pics....she wants to do a shoot with me. And i can't do that either because i can't get to the place...............

FUCK MY LIFE AGAIN.

Whats the actual point????????

I give up trying to work on my life.

I give up on dreams.

I'm supposed to be staying at S's for a week tomorrow

Not in the mood now.

Fuck everything. It's seriously damaged my mood.

Ana Says DON'T EAT.

I've let everybody down, i've let myself down.

I've been a BINGE MONSTER ALL FREAKING WEEK

This has to stop!!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE MYSELF, and i can't escape it.

I just devoured half a bar of a huge block chocolate.

All the time something in my head, i wont call it Ana, because i don't like her. But it was screaming...

"STOP IT NOW. YOUR CLOGGING YOUR ARTERIES WITH DISGUSTING FAT YOU BITCH. FAT BITCH FAT BITCH."

Did i take any notice?

NO.

Because i have zero self control.

I tried to purge it...........

FAILED.

I can't ever do it...nothing comes up...

How do you get it to come up??????

Starting from now, below 1000 cals a day.

NO EXCUSES.

I feel fat and bloated ad disgusting.

No wonder my acne is flaring up again. I deserve it, it's my punishment for binging.

I know i've gained. I an just see the fat in the mirror.
FUCKING PILLS.

40.6KG had probably turned into 41-2KG now.

92lbs roughly? It might not seem a lot to you, but it's A LOT to me.

WATER IS MY BEST FRIEND.

FRESH ORANGE JUICE IS SECOND BEST FRIEND.

CONTROL

CONTROL

CONTROL.

Retail Therapy=BINGE.

Hello beauties,

Well today was a RETAIL THERAPY DAY!!!!!! YAY!!!!

Bought some new leather boots ;) (Don't ask me how much they cost! ) And some earrings :) Happy about that....Until i got home.

Today was  meant to be a fast.

Well that lasted long didn't it.............

I ate, chocolate, a bagel thing AND pasta.

FAILURE.

Sorry. So i feel fat and useless. But with new clothes?

Silver lining?

I've decided i want to be healthy. As in...drink more water..haha!!! Because i used to find it filled me up...so i'm going down that route again :) WATER. WATER. WATER.

Good news? I haven't cut in about a week! (Touch wood)

And you know, when i was trying on clothes today, i found myself staring at my thighs and bum....for AGES. Trying to work out if they had gotten bigger or not....

I think they have.

FUCKING PILLS.

And lastly..as promised, a mention to, Moi

As she is new to blogger :)

Astra x

Eating Disorder? What Eating Disorder?!

Hello pretty ladies,

Well, today i had to see the psychiatrist AGAIN. Because she was "concerned about my weight"

So...i went along, told her about Saturday...SHIT. And she said, i shouldn't drink while i'm on these because it could have that effect and that's why i went into psycho mode XD AND my other doctor gave me the wrong dose of pills!!!!!! And that's why my moods have been so erratic! PAHA.

So now i'm taking 1 anti depressant in the morning along with a sedative drug, and 2 sedatives at night along with another pill for my hallucinations. God! I can't keep up! GAH. 4 pills a day -____-

Is that a lot? I'm unsure...it doesn't seem much to me! Oh well :)

So then the conversation moved onto my weight............

She said she wanted to weigh me.....

So i acted all cool and said, "yeah if you like"

So she asked again, do i mind that these new pills have the side effect of weight gain, so i again said

"No of course not" ( screaming in my head FUCKKK!!! YES I DO!!! )

AND THEN ASKED IF I WANTED TO JOIN AN EATING DISORDERS GROUP!! Because she said she didn't believe me when i told her i was eating and stuff. And was suspicious of me. So again...i laughed it off and politely said no thanks!

PANIC 

When she did weigh me, i am precisely, 40.6KG

I'VE GAINED.

FUCK.MY.LIFE.

Anyway...after all that i decided to meet with a friend in town after buying new undies and a cardigan :D Lets call him B. ( B has always liked me and had feelings for me, but knows i want nothing more) So we headed to BURGER KING. And i had an..
XL double bacon burger with cheese........
126173627637263723 calories?????

I said to B, because he knows everything, coz i can trust him with everything,
"If they think i have an eating disorder, this will show them!!" 

Don't ask me why i ate it.......i feel shit.

But it was the only thing i ate all day......

NO EXCUSE.

So then me and B went back to mine and played some xbox and chilled..he tried to hold my hand a few times..awkward..=/ ..i feel stupid you know? This is a guy that would do ANYTHING for me. A guy i can rely on all the time, who is genuine and caring, doesn't lie or cheat. And i'm not interested? WTF. Instead i go for the guy who treats me like shit???

Why do we ignore the ones who adore us, and adore the ones who ignore us?

Doesn't make sense does it?

I don't like these new pills.....they take my anxiety away a bit, but they make you get one hell of an appetite...and weight gain =/

I hope your all feeling happy,

i love you girls.

Astra x

Why Is Trying To Re-build Your Life So Hard??

Beauties,

Well...i'm sort of talking to C again...and after me not backing down, S apologized....but still won't talk to me properly..=/ This isn't my fault...i'm not txting him all the damn time, even if i do love him to bits.

I don't trust him...

Hospital appointment tomorrow to see the psychiatrist again...that was quick?! She says she is concerned about me.....so tomorrow i have to tell her about Saturday night...she's going to lecture me like hell...i just know it. I'm not dumb...i know i shouldn't drink whilst i'm on these pills...but fuck it!?

Might pop to town and meet a friend..i really am trying to get back out there and see people again...it's just hard when your shit scared of the "outside world"

I feel really ill too....like, really weak, just typing this is making me tired ><

I don't know what's wrong with me! I have zero energy. Literally. No matter how much i sleep, i'm always tired.

Stressing out about these new pills too..because of the weight gain thing...it's making me get an appetite....I don't want to be fat!!!!!!!

I hope you beautiful girls are all doing OK,

I love each and everyone of you 

Astra x

I've Ruined Everything. I Have No One Anymore.

Hello beautiful people,

I should not of gone out last night. I've lost everyone. I tried to kill myself. ( But i don't want to go into that bit so i'll leave it out)  And everyone knows about my depression and suicidal tendancies.

Want me to explain?

I'll try the short version, so i'll get straight to the point.

Everything was so much fun, me and a few old college friends went out for drinks in a few bars, i even asked one of the guys to pretend to be my BF so no guys would come onto me ( Thinking of S) and we all had a great night. Until it hit about 1am. 1 drink too many. I literally went from fun loving, having a laugh to ROCK BOTTOM. In the blink of an eye. No warning or nothing. I ran to the loo's and sobbed. No body knew. I walked back out and fell silent. Then one of my friends asked if i was OK...and i started to cry again..in front of everyone. Then proceeded to tell EVERYONE how i wanted to die. And carried on explaining in detail why i had been avoiding going out. From what i can remember, because the night is a bit of a blur....they just sat there..looking at eachother, as if to say WTF freak much?

Then had to run to the loos to throw up....stupid and embarrassing. When i came back out no one said anything more of it. And we headed to another bar. I could tell they were watching me now though. Then had another drink.....and started to cry in the loos AGAIN. This time 2 of my mates came in....they took my phone and tried to ring my dad....which made me sob more...because none of them know he isn't here anymore....

Then from what i can remember, they got me a cab home, and walked me to my door and just told my mum i had too many drinks. Soon as they left, i started sobbing and collapsed on the bathroom floor screaming at my mum i wanted to die. Punching the walls, smacking my head on the bath, in an attempt to knock myself out. By this time i was hallucinating as well. I was seeing and hearing things. As well as this going on, in between breaths, i was throwing up blood... I have no idea why.

I just remember screamin at the top of my lungs i wanted to die, kill me now, i can't do this anymore. My mum rang the hospital to take me away, but i grabbed the phone off her. I ended up collapsing on the sofa and fell asleep.

I wish i never woke up.

After being sick, and having a migraine and not being able to see properly from where i smashed my head so hard, and swollen bruised knuckles....

I txt S saying sorry i didn't txt you when i got home, my phone stopped working coz i dropped it on the club floor in some booze ( Which is true) And then i get a txt back saying, "NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN. YOU PROBABLY SLEPT WITH SOME GUY. DON'T BULLSHIT ME. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE"

This was at half 9 this morning. I tried txting him..he wont reply. I feel dead. I love him so so deeply much. But why would he say that for no reason? I don't understand. I can't begin to explain how i feel right now, so i wont bother.

Then i tried txting C, to again say sorry for not getting back to him when i got home. He then told me to leave him alone too..and said he tried to kill himself last night too and it was MY FAULT. Why??? Because in  a moment of being pissed, i replied to his txt of him asking what he meant to me with, "I don't know what i want. I'm a mess, sorry."

So he said, after that he tried to kill himself. And now he doesn't want anything to do with me either.

I'VE LOST EVERYBODY.

Without S or C in my life, there's no point.

I've fucked everything up, without even knowing it.

Honestly, without them, i don't want to live anymore, as pathetic as that sounds, because i love them both too much. I hurt so much, i can physically feel the pain in my chest.

I don't want to do this without them. I can't.

Oh yeah! And i've lost my friends too. Coz remember when i said i tried to kill myself??
Yeah. Clever fucking me, tried to do it whilst i was still with them. Pissed out my head.

I Need My Life Back!!!!!!!!!

Hello beauty's

Well...i can't take my new pills until at least Monday now.....Wana know why??

Because stupid me, forgot what my psychiatrist said, so i don't know if i'm supposed to take them with my other pills, or stop taking them, then go on these new ones....and she isn't back til Monday...so i can't start taking them til then -____-

I have the memory of a fish at the moment.

Well...i say at the moment...but really meaning, for months! Ever since this depression hit hard, i can't remember anything.

I feel fragile and alone.

I've been invited out tomorrow night for a piss up in town....

I don't know if i want to go or not...i haven't been on a "night out" in months and months, simply because i've been too suicidal and shit. I don't know whether to risk it....

None of the friends that always ask me out know about my depression and the rest...so they just think i've been antisocial for the last 5 months....

If i don't go out soon they'll stop asking....and i don't want to lose them... =/

Help????????

Food has been good today, under 600 cals.

My mum has been on at me all of today about food.

"Have you eaten, do you want this?, i'll make you something to eat, you want some chocolate?"

ALL DAY.

NO I DON'T WANT ANY FUCKING FOOD FOR THE LAST TIME.

God i feel shit.

I need something....but i don't know what that is......

Astra x

Oh Me....Who Are You Now?

Hello my beautiful people,

Well today was interesting.....

Had my blood tests done, i can't stand watching the needle go into my skin, but i liked watching the blood come out...weird? Haha.

Then had a fucking massive ham and cheese sandwich............

I know. I'm a fucking failure.

Then took my trip to the mental hospital.....I laugh when i call it that...

Anyway...saw the psychiatrist...and told her nearly everything, i was so close to telling her about my food issues and eating habits...you know why?

Because she's so onto me...she kept on about how much i eat, do i purge, do i restrict, how much i weigh, my BMI...etc....i sort of stared into a space for a second contemplating the consequences of telling her how i really feel..and in the end decided not to say anything.

I smiled and carried on about other things.

I told her the voices in my head are back..how i can't sleep anymore again and suicidal thoughts are beyond what i can control.

The outcome???

MORE PILLS.

I'm so confused to what i have to take and when now. There are so many.....

These new pills are for my anxiety, sleep and voices in my head. And they have side effects.....

Want to guess what they are??????..............................

WEIGHT GAIN.

FUCK.MY.LIFE.

She asked me if that bothered me, so i obviously said no, not at all.....but really i was screaming in my head.

So now i have to wait for another appointment in January.

I'm so suicidal it's ridiculous....

And to top it off....i'm confused about who i want again....S or C......C is being so much more caring than S...but i love S.....So i'm trying to play it cool with both..when i say "cool" it's not really...i can't help but be affectionate. And C keeps on about how i feel about him..i don't know!!! Fuck. Stop asking :(

I don't even know who i am anymore, let alone feelings!

Astra x

Times Heals Nothing

Beauties,

Thankyou so much for all your support.

I love you all.

I still feel the same..numb and out of control

And to top it off, the voices in my head are back. It's just one thing after another....

Blood tests at 9am and then seeing the psychiatrist at 4pm...OH THE JOY.

I'm dreading it......

I hate every aspect of my life at the moment.

The feeling of death is back, at the front of my mind. Like one huge big black cloud. I can feel it telling me to die.

This is so draining...physically.

All i feel like is sleeping!

I'm sorry my posts have been depressing lately...but this blog is my only outlet..apart from my diary..but thats pretty much full now, of self hate and horrible thoughts and feelings.

I love you all

Astra x

At The End Of My Tether

I really feel like giving up.

The pills are ready, i've had enough. I simply can't keep feeling like this anymore.

I'm tired. So tired.

I feel insanity creeping in every minute.

I've eaten far too much today. My stomach is bloated and big and ugly.

All i want is to feel beautiful and gorgeous.

To be able to look in the mirror and say, yeah, maybe i do look hot today.

I crave to do that so much. But my mind and body won't let me, it just keeps failing on me.  I give up with people at the moment. S can't be bothered to even text me anymore. I've had it. I can't even cut because on Wednesday i'm going for blood tests....and if they see my arms then they are going to say or do something...i think i'm beyond help.

I'm playing around with my pills already, taking bigger doses each night to see the effect. Usually it's just feeling really sick and dizzy and massive headaches.

I want to be loved so badly..just to be held. I feel like i'm leading S and C on beause they don't know i'm talking to one another, but i cling onto them both to feel love....

I'm a disaster of a human being and i'm simply not worth being here.

I'm not looking for comfort here, by saying this...it's just how i feel....

I could rant forever.

UGLY UGLY UGLY. BITCH BITCH BITCH.

I HATE YOU.

Thats what my mind is telling me. The voices in my head are starting to come back again.

I'm just one huge fuckup. I shouldn't be walking this planet. I should of been aborted or been a miscarriage or something. I'm not worthy.

Why aren't the pills working AGAIN??????????

This is the 5th different type i've been on, and on the high dosage.

It's like my body doesn't want to get better. It wants to just give up and die.

Yay For Text Buddys :)

Hello beautiful girls,

Text buddys are so great <3

I wish i could have you all! But my phone doesn't let me txt people from other countries and continents :(

So anyone in the UK who wishes to be a "text buddy" haha. Lemme know :)

And i'm sorry if i don't comment on your blogs!!! Blogger is being an asshole. It's not showing up everyones blogs for some reason...... :@

Today was productive...did some gardening in sub zero temperatures...i know...i'm crazy!!!

But the cold suppresses hunger :D

Then...i came indoors and GORGED.

Well over 1000 cals for today..... i was doing so well... =/

I feel a fucking disappointment.

Not an inspiration at all....

I love you girls, i really do. Each and every, one.

Astra x

All Time Low

Oh my dear beauty's,

I think i've hit an all time low.

Nothing seems worth it anymore, i'm so tired all the time, i don't even know why, even typing is a chore.

My mum said i look "stick thin" and pale...i'm always pale! And i've noticed lately how bad my circulation is, my feet today were purple and ice cold haha. God knows why.

My mum says it's lack of nutrients....

Who cares....

I ordered a book on amazon today, "And i don't want to live this life" It's about Nancy Spungen, you know? Sid Vicious's girlfriend. I always seem so interested in mucked up people..she had schizophrenia and depression...so could be an interesting read!

I like reading about mucked up people..makes me feel less alone.

I'm scared....i feel so alone.

I barely talk to any of my friends anymore..i'm losing them.

I had such a good life before all this.....

Maybe its karma?

Did i do something wrong??...probably.

I find myself these days, in just a daze. Even commenting on your lovely blogs, i'm writing...but i feel it is of no use to any of you, because my mind is so numb.

I feel like a ghost, slowly disappearing.....

Astra x

I Have No Idea Where I'm At....

Oh my beautiful girls,

I'm so confused about everything all over again. S and C.

I saw C today, we chatted and hugged for a bit..but it was so cold out, i really didn't want to be out doors anymore :(

I'm so confused.....

Last night S text me going " What are your ambitions in life? What do you want to happen in your future? Because i don't think we want the same things"

As if my life isn't shit enough as it is? He thinks i have no ambitions and shit? Because now his at college, he has the upper hand in life? Well buddy! I went to college for 3 years!! And passed my course. I wanted to scream. I lied and told him what i wanted for my "future" When really, i don't want anything, because i feel so shit, all i want for a future is death. All i do is cut or binge or starve. So no S, No i don't want a future. Happy?

Course i didn't say that....but i felt like it.

We don't want the same things? Could of fucking told me before. My lies are what he wants to hear, so i fed them to him.

" I want kids, to move out and live with you, to live my life to the full, to have a career in what i trained for"....

FUCK OFF. I don't want any of that right now. Ever since i told him my true feelings and emotions, his been acting like this, or just not talking to me full stop. He probably thinks i'm a freak, a psycho just like everyone else. Because i see things "differently" from most people.

I cut myself deeper everyday, to feel "better", "normal" able to function

I starve to feel my empty stomach, churning with hunger pangs.

I binge to make myself feel shit, because i deserve it.

I don't see a bright happy future like he does, i see NOTHING. Nothing but pain and suffering.

And i have to lie to him to make him think i'm "normal"

And then after treating me like this, he then texts me out of the blue, saying " i love you baby" WTF??

On  a happier note. While i was out with C today, i over heard some girls talking about me, i didn't know them, but they kept staring....and then one said

"Look, that girl is like a stick, id love to be like that"

RESULT.

Did OK for food today, couple of weetabix, a pasta pot and some sausages and chicken. Seems a lot, but i worked it off, and ate slow.

Is there ever going to be an end to this?

Hiding S and C from eachother, this never ending depression, hating and loathing, complete confusion, suicide, self harm?

Over the last few days, i feel completely out of control.

Also, does anyone live in the UK?? Text buddy needed, please

Astra x

Fuckity Fuck Fuck.

I just need to babble on about how shit i feel right now.

So don't feel you HAVE TO read this...i just have to get this out.

I feel so so so shit right now. Everything feels like it's caving in. The light is fading. And no one can hear my screams. I'm deafening myself with my cries.

But still no one can help me. I feel trapped in my body, trapped in this world. In a tiny cage with no escape. And slowly that cage is getting smaller. I'm suffocating.

I want this to end. I NEED this to end.

I'm so drained of feeling ugly, worthless, shitty, depressive, suicidal. I hate my body so so much. And whatever i do, nothing changes. Everyday is a battle. A fake smile or a laugh.

I'm FAKE. I'm ALL FAKE.

You know what i did the other night?

I scribbled in my diary.

Dear God,

Please do not let me wake up tomorrow.

I want to DIE.

And smeared my blood all over the page.

Is that normal??? 

No. It's not, to be blunt, it's sick and disgusting.

I'm sick and disgusting.

UGLY WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT.

I have no purpose on this earth anymore. I can't do, or something would of changed by now. I'm tired of feeling paranoid and panicy. I hate my life. I can't wake up feeling like this anymore. Its driving me insane. The only peace i get is when i sleep. But i can't sleep forever. Until i'm dead and buried. That's why i crave death so badly? Because its peace. Peace from this sick twisted cruel crap world. I see no way out. Other than death. Even self harm doesn't do much for me anymore, unless i go really deep. I see no future, all i see is blackness. I'm scared about my life, scared to walk out the door.
I can't trust anybody i know, not even myself because of my erratic mind!
I hold no hope anymore.
Everything good walks away. Leaves forever.

Back! ( Long Post)

Hello beautiful people,

Well, i'm back!......finally! Ended up staying longer than planned because at the moment our house is a wreck, as we are having our kitchen and bathroom completely re-done. I HATE the mess. Makes my anxiety go up. Is that weird?? I just HAVE to have a tidy house, so i've spent all day cleaning what i can, before they come back and make more mess.

So the stay at S's was......a strange one?

The first week was fine...we got on well, was intimate and blah blah, snuggles and such. And i was fine while i was left at his while he went to college. And then....i had a MAJOR slip up...my mood just plummeted. We were watching TV and then i just said i was tired so i was going to bed...ran up the stairs and just sobbed into his pillow. I was feeling suicidal, depressed, fat, and a mess. I cannot stand people ANYONE for that matter seeing me cry...i just feel weak and pathetic. And then he heard me...I tried to do the whole " pretend i'm asleep" routine. But he sat on the bed and hugged me. He knew i was awake. I didn't want to tell him about anything...because so far for the last few months i've kept him in the dark about things in fear that it will frighten him away. But as you do when you have a weak moment...you pour your heart out. And now he knows everything. The cutting, the suicidal tendancies, the OD

FUCK.

He told me i was silly, he said it would be OK, he said he wouldn't walk away. But what i had just told him, scared him. He told me i should go home....so i practically begged him not to take me. BRILLIANT. And from the moment i poured my heart out to him, cried in his arms about wanting to die. Things changed. For the next week of me staying, awkward silences, no talking, no intimacy..NOTHING. And even though he told me he still loved me, it stayed like that. So i cut my stay short, as i was going to stay up there longer because of the chaos in my house. I couldn't stand it anymore. He told me he loved me over and over again at my front door, but something had changed. And now i don't know when we are going to next see eachother because he says he is busy with college.......

So word to the wise.

Keep everything a secret. Because i think by telling him everything, i've again ruined my chances....

Fuck telling anyone else.

I miss him so much. I fucking love the boy so much. And i really don't want to.

I've decided to stop taking my last box of sleeping pills, and keep them instead. As a stash. Incase it all gets too much. Like a security blanket.

This is how bad its gotten now.

I hate being home. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT.

It's when my depression hits hard. I've done well with calories today..must of worked them all off due to cleaning like a maniac. It's hard to keep the floor clean though when you have a hamster who insists on throwing her food out of the cage. SCREW YOU!!!

I know i'm going to cut tonight. Because i can't take feeling this shit anymore. I just need to feel pain. It was so tempting to cut at S's...i was just playing with a kitchen knife...but i knew it would be a stupid idea once he had found out...So now i am back home, in my safe haven of depression, and FATNESS. I feel so ugly.

I'm also seeing C tomorrow....god knows why? He already knows everything about me..so i can't scare him off.

I hope you girls have done better than me. I'm going to have a good ol' catch up on all your blogs now

Your my motivation, you girls are. The only people i can talk to without feeling judged.

I also got a copy of a letter my psychiatrist sent to my doctor.....OMG. She's made me sound like a complete PSYCHO, talking about my habits and OD'ing, and cutting and suicidal thoughts, plans and voices in my head. And " i had a childish appearance"???? What's all that about??? She said there is no doubt that i am underweight. But hahahahaha OH WELL!!!

Astra x

Short But Sweet.

Hello beauties,

Short post...because i'm about to watch 3 hours 15 minutes of pure Nirvana on BBC4!! :D

Still feel like shit, but Nirvana should cheer me up.

Calorie intake for today has been so good! Partly because i feel so damn ill.

Also...this maybe my last post for a week..because i think i'm going to stay at S's....good idea or not..i'm not sure.... But if i do go, i  shall talk to you in a week!

I'm dreading him seeing my arm.....i have no way to cover it up....

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I hate having a runny nose.....

I love you,

Astra x

UPDATE: OK..finished watching Nirvana...and the documentary about Kurt's death..god i feel shitty now. All the stuff about him being depressed, shutting of from the world, hating everyone, hating himself, made me think of my dad. Bleh. I don't want to be away from you guys for a week..this is my only out-let. Maybe i'll try to post on his computer? I'm just afraid he will find it ><

By the way, did you know, your all such amazing beautiful wonderful people :) Just thought you would like to know, you give me so much support <3

I Hate Myself And I Want To Die.

If this post doesn't make much sense it's because it's just basically my trail of thoughts i need to blurt out now...everything i'm feeling. So don't feel bad if you can't understand much, i just have to let it out.

Yesterday i felt so happy. Then something happened and my mood plummeted. I'm rock bottom right now as i type this. I cut last night. Lovely great red lines going down my arm. I tried so hard not to give in, and it didn't work. I tried so hard! The voices just wouldn't let me sleep. On and on they kept. Then the blood flowed. And then i couldn't stop. One cut after the other until my entire arm was red from blood, smeared everywhere. The more blood i saw the better i felt, so i kept on. Slapping and punching the cuts to keep the blood flowing. I loved it. I didn't even care my razor was now rusty. Maybe i want blood poisoning. I took too many anti's last night, to feel something. Anything but this. Nothing happened. I also read up that if i did decide to OD on my sedative drugs, it wouldn't kill me unless i mixed them with alcohol. So many thoughts running through my head. I can't talk or tell anyone because the psychiatrist said if anything else happened from now til i next see her she would take further action. So this must stay a secret. My dirty filthy secret. I feel dead inside again. I wrote in my diary that i beg for death.Someone stop this pain. Please God, just kill me. I feel like i'm shutting down to life, shutting myself off from everyone, including myself. I need this to end. I don't want to wake up with this anymore. Hating food. Hating me. Hating everyone, even people i don't even know. I just want to be under the ground. I read my dad's suicide letter last night, because the police let me have a copy. Just read over and over "I love her so much" ( meaning me) over and over. transfixed into those words. I feel lost in this world. I feel trapped inside my own disgusting body. I'm self destructing, slowly. It's all well and good people saying " it'll be OK, your strong" but i'm not anymore, i'm so tired, i'm so weak from this. I find myself just staring at the walls imagining dying. That's NOT NORMAL. I'm tired of life, of living. I wish i had never been born. I'm a waste of a life that someone could be enjoying.

I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE.

40.6KG!!!!!!!!!!

Hello beautiful people,

Well, i had a doctors appointment today ( for my contraceptive injection) and then found out, the nurse wanted to weigh me....i was thinking SHIT. And started to panic....

The numbers on the scales moved about, until they finally stopped.......

40.6KG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats, 89.5lbs!!!!!

I felt elated!!!! No more 90's for me :)

Of course the nurse said, are you ok, you've lost weight, are you eating well..etc..etc

So of course i said yes course! I'm fine.

LIES.

But who cares???

Fucking 89.5!!!!!!! :D

And the way i've managed it?

Eat little bits throughout the day, with a little exercise, it cuts out binging, and your metabolism burns the food off easy :)

Only problem with this weight loss is that my eczema comes back..BAD.

It's sooooooooooooooo freaking itchy and red :(

Not attractive.

And i seem to bruise really easily...i have little ones all over my legs for no reason at all....

I've also finished re-decorating my room! Looks a little naked now though..need to buy some accessories. And i've cleaned my carpet with cleaner so much now to try to get rid of makeup stains, it's literally saturated in the stuff! Oooppss....

Some people when depressed sometimes turn to drink, or drugs..i  turn to cleaning like a maniac!

I get so so frustrated when there is a tiny little stain now.

I have to keep busy though. Can't let my thoughts get hold.

Keep busy. Keep busy.Keep busy!!!!!!

I love you,

Astra x