At The End Of My Tether

I really feel like giving up.

The pills are ready, i've had enough. I simply can't keep feeling like this anymore.

I'm tired. So tired.

I feel insanity creeping in every minute.

I've eaten far too much today. My stomach is bloated and big and ugly.

All i want is to feel beautiful and gorgeous.

To be able to look in the mirror and say, yeah, maybe i do look hot today.

I crave to do that so much. But my mind and body won't let me, it just keeps failing on me.  I give up with people at the moment. S can't be bothered to even text me anymore. I've had it. I can't even cut because on Wednesday i'm going for blood tests....and if they see my arms then they are going to say or do something...i think i'm beyond help.

I'm playing around with my pills already, taking bigger doses each night to see the effect. Usually it's just feeling really sick and dizzy and massive headaches.

I want to be loved so badly..just to be held. I feel like i'm leading S and C on beause they don't know i'm talking to one another, but i cling onto them both to feel love....

I'm a disaster of a human being and i'm simply not worth being here.

I'm not looking for comfort here, by saying this...it's just how i feel....

I could rant forever.

UGLY UGLY UGLY. BITCH BITCH BITCH.

I HATE YOU.

Thats what my mind is telling me. The voices in my head are starting to come back again.

I'm just one huge fuckup. I shouldn't be walking this planet. I should of been aborted or been a miscarriage or something. I'm not worthy.

Why aren't the pills working AGAIN??????????

This is the 5th different type i've been on, and on the high dosage.

It's like my body doesn't want to get better. It wants to just give up and die.