I feel strange.

I'm not really sure how to start this....i can barely type actually, i feel rather uncoordinated tonight. Fingers are going all over the keyboard.

For the last two weeks or so, i have felt...not myself? Odd.

I feel like i've slipped back in some ways.

For example:

I've come close on many occasions, and given in a few times to cutting. Not like i used to, just superficially. Just enough.

I feel erratic. I want to do crazy things, most of which will get me in trouble.

I'm also, total contradiction to the above, always so tired. To the point where, embarrassingly, i'll sleep in until 1pm.

And most of all, scariest of all, thoughts have entered my head of food again. I tested it out, i restricted the whole day, up until dinner...but until that point, i felt....better. Of course now, all my self control from years back has gone out of the window. Like i say, i managed up until dinner...then spaghetti bolognese was put in front of me and i ate the whole damn meal. Safe to say, my mood plummeted.

I just don't feel like me.

B and i aren't working out as i had imagined we would for the last six years....but i can't part from him, not now, i simply would not cope, and 100% sure i would actually go through with past suicide plans...dramatic but true. I couldn't live without him, not now. I wouldn't know how. Not after six years of him being in my life, being my rock, through everything.

I feel like...he's not attracted to me anymore, suddenly. 

Things have changed in a way i can't explain...just a bad atmosphere i guess?

He denies everything. I've tried talking.

But as for me, i'm bored.

Bored of my life, it's just triggering erratic thoughts.

And with new therapy about to start, this is the worst possible time.

I just want to do wild shit.

But i can't, because i would lose the ones i love.

It's beyond frustrating, my whole life right now is one big contradiction.

I want the best of both worlds, the safe, loving one and the wild dangerous one.

Drowning in my paranoid wonderland

OK, first thing is first, this stupid thing is telling me i'm not following any blogs now? So comment below please so i can re-follow if needs be.

How many times have i started off a post with "I'm scared"?....Well, it's happening again, because well, i'm scared.

My anxiety is out of control. Paranoia is dancing along to the tune too. Pills make me sick. So i'm alone.

New therapy starts next month, but will it really help, or just be another waste of my time?

I feel a mess. Acne is running wild all over, which doesn't help the self esteem. I just feel.....unworthy? Not good enough for anyone. Incredibly self concious, silently screaming. No one on this earth knows how bad i feel right now, because i choose to hide it, best i can. B knows bits...but id rather not delve into details of how i'm a paranoid freak. I've already told him in the past, but rather not remind him.

I self harmed, superficially, he saw...he said nothing, just gave that vacant stare at the cuts, as to say.....why?

I said nothing of course, and started babbling on about something to steer the conversation, if there was going to be one, about why on earth am i doing this again?

I need to be perfect for him. Unconditionally perfect.

I wont allow my troubled, diseased mind to ruin this.

I want to...need to be everything he desires.

I need to be everything i desire.

I can't go on like this...my mind is creating negativity where there is none. I know that...but i still can't help but believe it. That there's something wrong that i'm simply not seeing.

I mean, why, oh why, would anyone want me?

Tornados

I'm a tornado of paranoia and anxiety.

And i don't know how to stop.

I'm over analysing everything, every word, every sentence, every action.

I tear conversations apart, sure i will find negativity. Thing is, i can't stop until i do. If i fail, i just think i haven't thought hard enough about the situation. I just don't believe anything can or will go right anymore.

I lost faith a long time ago.

I'm terrified of everything.

I feel like i'm going to lose everything. 

I don't know.

I'm sorry i've been absent again....

I've been trying to work things out.

There's something seriously wrong with me, my head.

The thoughts i have aren't normal, i knew that already, i just didn't know the extent of the damage.

I should be so happy right now.

I'm finally in a relationship with my best friend. Someone who i can trust, see my self being with forever. He makes me feel like  no one else has.

Remember B? from a long time ago, the start of my blog...the one who stuck by me through thick and thin, well it's him.

I should of been with him years ago...and now we both have "pasts"....pasts that make me paranoid, afraid, angry, upset....other girls have had him, before me...it should of only been me...how selfish and odd does that sound? I knew everything about him...and now i don't. It kills me.

We mucked about for weeks before being official...kept losing contact, mixed signals....til he properly asked me out. And now we're together, fear has taken over my happiness. i know him inside out, but now we're together, it feels like i don't know him at all....due to paranoia.

I'M A PSYCHO.

I'm frightened, more than i ever have been. I can't lose him, if i lose him i have nothing. I love him already..i loved him before, but now it's different and i can't tell him. His ex tried to get him back the other week...he added a girl on FB....i'm scared i'm going to lose him.

I'm a paranoid freak of nature.

Everything with him feels different. he's seen me at my worst, many times. He knows everything about me. I just can't stop thinking. Thinking, he said he wanted to be with me for years, well then, why have other girlfriends? I know i had boyfriends...but why give up because of that?......HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT THOUGHT!?

If he loved me for all those years, how could you be with someone else?

I'm so fucked up.

Everything is so clear now, but also so messed up.

I feel like a train wreck.

My paranoia right now is at it's highest.

I have everything to lose now. Everything.

Please don't fuck up.

Astra x

Where to start, what to say?...

Evening lovelies,

Well, where do i start?

I've been away for so long, there's just too much to catch up on.

When i left here, a year ago, i was....suicidal. I managed to fight it and became...ok?

I went off the rails for a bit, slept with people i probably shouldn't of, smoked, drank too much...didn't really care? 

I was content in my little whirlwind of madness.

Underneath the façade of smiles and "not caring"..i was dying. My insides hurt. My head hurt. My anxiety was tremendous. I was though, eating normally.

I dated, i had new boyfriends, i went out, i lied about my emotions to everyone

" Oh yeah, i'm well enough and stable enough to find a job now! To lead a normal life!"

I fooled everyone, even my psych. 

Because i was "having fun"

And yeah, parts of the last year or so, were fun, genuine fun. But for the most part...it was a lie.

I got treated like shit by certain people, my hair started to fall out, my acne came back after being on accutane for it, i got into arguments, i started to feel ugly again, anxiety popped up its ugly head...and slowly...i can't pin point when, my moods just...plummeted. Yet again.

I was on a high, and all of a sudden, i came back down with a crash.

I wasn't me, i was wreckless and confident and...loud?

Maybe it was all too much, too soon?

Now...i'm back to self harming, not wanting to eat, suicidal, unable to cope, unable to function, anxiety is....unbelievable. I can barely go outside anymore without feeling sick to my stomach, dizzy, angry, afraid, alone...

I feel so....alone.

I can't talk to my mum, i've lost my best friend because we tried to be more and it failed...i can't talk to anyone and it feels like everything is slipping away again.

All i do with my days is, house work, drink copious amounts of coffee and..watch tv.

It's all i can manage without freaking out.

I'm trying to cope with going out...but it causes so much panic. I'm finding myself looking for excuses not to go anywhere.

My house is my prison/solace.

I can't cope with anything.

I feel myself wasting away...i'm bony, pale and lethargic.

My life is a waste.

 A few months ago, i got assessed by a new psychologist, diagnosis: Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.

It's not an official diagnosis, she didn't have the power to do that, but she said, it's more than likely. After all the intrusive questions.

Currently awaiting CBT.

Can't wait...

Astra x

P.S: If you're a new follower, or i'm not following you back, shout it out please!

Trying to get back into the swing of reading all your blogs.

Please, is anyone there???????????

I tried recovery

I failed.

Now i'm back, exactly the same as before.

Is anyone there????????