Mini Stepper FTW!

Hello gorgeous people :)

So about that sleepover!.......It never happened >__>.

I was meant to meet my friend in town at half 5ish...so i thought, i know, i'll go shopping until then! Got myself a new cardigan, and my mums birthday present. And that brought me to 4.30pm...so from then until about 6.30pm i was doing nothing but trailing round useless shops and sitting in the library! Being bored out of my skull. I waited until 5.30...then thought id ring her as she hadn't contacted me..no answer....and up until 6.30pm i was ringing her constantly..with no answer...so i had been stood up basically. In the end i gave up and went home...managed to talk to her over facebook...and she says she sent me a text saying if she could come straight to mine instead of meeting in town? But i never got anything...Pretty upset about that....she is my best friend. She hasn't lied to me before...so i think i shall give her the benefit of the doubt. But tbh...that left me doing nothing all night..and brought my mood right down...so i binged. FUCK SAKE.

I don't actually mind that much though because........i sent off for a mini stepper!! :D £25..but worth it! It counts the calories you burn too! Can't wait to get that! It should arrive on Tuesday :)

Eeeee CAN'T WAIT!!

              

                   In other news. The BF....Hmmmm where to start?

Well!...We have been speaking on the phone a little more civilly than usual. We are going to see eachother this Friday..as i might stay over...but nothing is decided yet as he wants to go out with mates...after complaining about me doing the same! ARRGHHH. Can't win!! AND he is going out drinking and to the cinema to see Harry Potter with some girls as well as his guy mates...but yet i can't do that? I always get accused of cheating when i go out with my guy mates? WTF. Honestly? It winds me up..because they are going out all night..which means he will go out drinking...no doubt..even though he says he wont..but i know him too well for that! I am so so paranoid about this..with my head being the way it is at the moment. He knows this..=/ And why can't i go with them? Because he wants friends away from me?? Friends that i don't have to know. Like i'm going to steal all his friends away from him??! I'm so so so paranoid...what if these girls are attractive, slim and beautiful? What if they drink..and they come onto him? I know what he is like when drunk...very flirty. I can't be arsed to be this paranoid. I feel ugly. Waayyy too ugly to compete with these new girls.

I love him so much...i don't want to lose him.

I sound needy and pathetic right? I know..it's just we are still very rocky at the moment..he still can't tell me he loves me..which hurts so badly.

I HAVE TO BECOME BEAUTIFUL!!! 

I'm doing quite well..i guess..i'm checking the calories in everything.

Intake today:

-Breakfast-Yogurt 130 cals?

-Diet pasta meal 440 cals

-Some pringles 100 cals?

Dinner-Who knows! ( Try to keep it at a minimum, just to keep mother happy!)

 -And lots of water!! And diet coke Which means 0 cals!

 I just cannot wait for my mini stepper to come in!! Then the challenge can truly begin! 

 I also have to go to the doctors tomorrow..to get weighed..and to get my meds upped..as my moods and cutting has been non stop spiralling out of control. I am actually terrified to leave the house now, my anxiety is that bad...but i have college also tomorrow..and i have to promise my self not to fuck up this week!!

 No more days off!!!!

I think i have to see the college counselor when the home therapy team stop visiting..which i think is at the end of this week.

 You know the odd thing? Fucking EVERYONE is calling me anorexic... I'M NOT!!!! I'm not even that thin yet! I do try to only eat when i'm with people to stop them thinking things..=/ It's just so hard...You girls know this :( It's like i can't win either way? I do so well with my calories..then someone says something bad..which makes me eat..which in turn breaks me apart inside..just knowing i was made to eat all those calories..when i was doing so well before hand.

I'm trying to keep up with all your blogs! But i'm so confused on whos i have read and have not read! LOL.

 Hmm..i need to re-dye my hair too!

Hope everyone is well :)

Lots of love

Astra x 

P.S: I'm not a horrible/jealous GF really..i'm just paranoid :( I really am trying my best to be the best that i can be.. 

Hmm...Normal(ish) Day?

Hello Ladies x

        Well today has been relatively....normal!? Whatever that is! HAHA.

I did have a rather long lie in though! until 2pm! haha!!! Today was a lazy day and i enjoyed it!...I partly stayed in bed because one of the therapists was downstairs talking with my mum...and i wanted to hear what they were saying without me! Basically..nothing interesting. Blerghhh.

Hmm..any news? I have to go to the doctors on Monday to get my meds upped to a higher dose because my mum thinks "I'm losing control"...well thats what she said to the therapist. ( She would of never said that if i was in the same room).

       I also need to contact a new therapist to get councelling and stuff...as the home care team are taking me off their register as they never keep people on more than 4 weeks!...Which i think is a little pathetic! What happens if you get worse after 4 weeks? DUMBASS!

Oh yeah...the cat had a dream today, as she was sitting on my bed..twitching, making grunting noises..and then she FARTS. Ohhhh nice! ( Just thought id add that in there)!

But anyway...food wise?

Not a good day really...but i didn't really feel that guilty because i felt sort of..."normal" today.

-Little breakfast (200 cals)

-A chocolate cookie ( 100 cals?)

-Dinner- 2 chip stuffed buns ( 400 cals?)

So yeah...not good. Around 900+ calories altogether...but probably worked come off because i tidied the house again! Go me!! HAHA. See this is why i don't think i have an ED, because i still have "normal" days?
I'm so odd...one day i cut all because i ate a chocolate bar...the next day i eat all this..and feel...fine? Does it make any sense to you?

Oh yeah....AND. I rang the BF today as i missed his calls beforehand..as i was in bed,

" Come up to mine today? You can stay over."

"I can't i'm having a friend round this weekend"

Since when? i told you to keep this weekend free INCASE it was OK for you to come round.

"Well i don't remember this. I can't...it's 3pm now..i have to have a bath yet and get ready..theres no point, i'll see you in the week?"

"No i can't see you in the week. Whatever. BYE."

I mean WTF? I'm sorry i have friends? And he did not say to keep this weekend free. ARRGHHH. He makes me so angry. Am i meant to put my life on hold, more than it is already INCASE i can come round? What happens at the last minute if i can't stay over? That means i have nothing to do all weekend...yeah...thats a good idea! More time to think. He seriously does not understand sometimes, if ever.

But...i love him.

So tomorrow is a new day, I'm seeing my best friend, and then sleeping over! And i'm determined to work off all these calories i've gained today. Tomorrow i shall eat minimum, walk ALOT. And plenty of fluids :)

I'm going to do it for me, AND for you girls :)

Lots of love, Astra x

I Seriously Need Help! COMPLETE FUCK UP.

After this post i'll be surprised if i get any more followers!! :(

I let EVERYONE down....again.

I'm such a fuckup. 

I didn't go into college AGAIN today...i had another episode of a complete breakdown. I was all ready to walk out of the door..then BAM. My mum asked how i was...and i couldn't stop crying. Everything seemed to get on top of me...my mum went to work..because she had to..and i just sat on the sofa crying my eyes out..screaming for help? =/ ON MY OWN?  I simply hugged a pillow and cried myself back to sleep...And of course before i did that..i ran upstairs..blasted some music and cut ..i cut because i had eaten too much..i cut because i feel a screw up and just because i deserve it =/ FUCK ME!!! I'M SUCH A FUCK UP. I had too...i had to cut. And now i've started on my other arm..=/

I woke up with makeup running down my face ( A VERY attractive look) And all lovely and sweaty because i went to sleep with all my clothes on...ERGHHH YUCK!

I feel a waste of a life, waste of a daughter and a let down to everyone.

I'm pathetic!!!

I really really do not want to fail this year of college..i can't. 

So that was my morning from about 7am-12pm. 

Also..i don't know what the fuck this is...but whenever i get stressed and go to sleep, i half wake up, and half am still asleep..i can't move my body, i can't breath properly and i can't talk? I'm just lying there helpless..and then go back to sleep again because i pass out from not being able to breath? What is that? All i know is, it's scary as hell!!!!

The only constructive things i did today was ring the BF...as we haven't talked in about 4 days! But i let him off for that because he said their phone line has been barred because they can't pay the phone bills. I'm, not sure how we are at the moment..=/ I guess i'll know in 2 weeks time..>< EEK.

And i have to confess... i was going to go to tesco's to buy myself something yummy (BUT LOW CAL!!) Because we have nothing in the house to eat...it was about 4.45pm..and by then its getting dark outside..i got ready and was walking there, and got to the alleyway that you have to go through to get there..when i saw this really big guy..so i thought..OK..i'll walk a little slower..make sure he is well out in front of me, because no one else was around i got kinda freaked!...And then he turns round to look at me and starts bloody walking towards me!!! I was thinking SHIT!..I got my phone out and walked the opposite direction back home..and he followed me! So by that time i was seriously panicking!..He literally followed me until this other guy appeared who was walking on the other side of the road..so i thought fuck that i'm going back home!

OH MY GOD THAT WAS SCARY!!

Maybe it's a sign to not eat?

So anyway!...food intake? 

-Little bowl of cereal (160 cals)

-Some grapes

-Peanut butter on toast ( Around 300 cals?) 

-A little dinner (Rice, veg and bacon, not much bacon!)( 300 cals?) 

Stupid peanut butter i know!! :( But i was feeling faint and there was nothing else left ><

I feel really shit, don't worry :(

I HAVE TO LOSE THIS FUCKING WEIGHT!!!!!..I'm still 93lbs.

Inspiration please 

 Lots of cuddles

Astra x 

Oh, To Float Away...

Hello Darlings <3

    OK...long story short...

i didn't go to college today

1: I literally got not 1 seconds sleep last night because our druggy neighbour was blasting music until 3am!!!!! and my head wouldn't switch off

2: I woke up this morning feeling really scared...the voices in my head were loud..i couldn't talk or move.i felt as if someone was watching me..waiting to hurt me...so i had to ring my mum at 7am to come home from work because i couldn't bear being on my own.

              So i ended up  just going back to bed and sleeping, because i couldn't keep my eyes open. I was so scared this morning...waking up and just hearing horrible things..feeling suicidal..in your own bed..=/ So later on the nurse from the mental health team came round to discuss options... As they are taking me off their lists as of next week now..because my mum kicked up a fuss! They said i should seek help with a different therapy...so i guess thats what i have to do..after seeing my own doctor. There are too many things going on. What am i meant to say to my tutor now? She already set up conselling for me at college =/

I'm dreading tomorrow....we have clients coming in for massages now....FUCK THAT. My anxiety spurs up just thinking about it. It's 9-5 tomorrow too...but i have to go in...=/ I can't miss anymore college.  need something relaxing to calm me down...I have to put something over my arm too...i can't massage a client with cuts all over it >__> Because we have to wear special uniforms...we cant cover our arms...so i'l have to get a bandage or something?

I can't handle this much more. This is all way too much. All i think about is either the next time i can cut...or food. And the feeling in between are just..unbearable. I swear these thoughts are starting to control my actions now...It seems sometimes..i can't control my own body, my thoughts do.

And... seeing as i've just come out of the bath..i had time to check myself out...i swear i've lost weight..my ribs are more prominent and so are my collarbones! I can feel my breast bones a lot more too. Quite pleased with that.

I swear ana spoke to me last night too....it was scary in a way..even though it was in my own head..just all of a sudden a voice popped in my head telling me i had eaten too much, 

"You don't deserve to be here if you can't even control your hunger! STOP FUCKING EATING. You have no self control what the fuck is your problem?"..i was like woahhh...where did that come from?? But it did motivate me for today i guess. I think even my skinniest of jeans are starting to bag a little!

Food intake for today:

- Little bowl of cereal ( 150 cals)

-Another little bowl of cereal (160 cals)

- Little dinner ( around 250 cals)

Not bad! I had to eat dinner...i was feeling really weak and horrible. No wonder i can't handle a fast! I feel faint only after a few hours. 

Hello to new followers! :)
I think that is all for now.... Man i'm boring.

Lots of love, Astra x 

Empty At Last! :) And New Followers =]

Hello beautiful people x

       I think i will start with last night...after i finished blogging i suddenly felt terrible...i ate a chocolate bar and that quite simply pushed me over the edge. I had done so well..and then ruined it all. So...i cut. and cut..and cut. Until the guilt went away. They were only superficial ones..i did manage to control how deep i went at least. God i felt so shit this morning when i looked. I always do it on my arms..and yes i know! The most stupid place to do it... but it's the only place where i feel relief =/ I was going to start on my thighs where no one could see...but didn't in the end...to be honest with you i was too depressed to even move an inch.

            But that was yesterday, this is today! And i did manage to pluck up the energy to go out with my friend. And.........went to Costa >__> I couldn't resist a hot chocolate...WITH added whipped cream AND marshmallows. SHOOT ME.?

BUT!! I did end up leaving half :) I couldn't stand the thought of ruining a new day!

And OH MY GOD!!!  After Costa, we ended up going to a tattoo shop, as i wanted to inquire about prices...OH MY GOD!!! I haven't told you about the most amazing, hot hot hot!!!! GORGEOUS!!!!!! guy that works there!!!! He is the most amazing looking guy to grace this planet let me tell you!! *DROOLS* I swear..when i was speaking to him i felt myself going red! HAHA!! Loadsa piercings, tattoos, gorgeous hair, and the most beautiful bright blue eyes ever!!! I LOVE blue eyes :) ( I have them too ;] )...i could go on all day about how gorgeous he is! £35 for 2 little tattoos though!...but to be honest..it's worth it if he does them!!

I was literally drooling when i walked out of there...i mean i have seen him before when i went with a friend to get her tongue bar changed..but never spoken to him! ...Gahhh...i sound like a little school girl! XD

      And also got myself a new warm cardigan :)

           Right enough of that! i'm very pleased with myself too! 

Food intake for today:

-Few mouthfuls of breakfast ( To get metabolism going)

-That awful hot chocolate.

-A couple bits of chicken ( Like 4 little mouthfuls?)

And thats it! :) My stomach is rumbling as i type this, and it feels so so good. It's now....8:55pm :)

I may have to eat a little something later though...my mum keeps going on...=/

I WILL NOT BE CONTROLLED BY FOOD!!
I WILL CONTROL WHAT I EAT AND WHEN!!!
So FUCK YOU FOOD! :)

           I have college tomorrow too...CBA. I swear i'm gonna get a lecture about not going to that counseling this morning. Ahhh...i just cba to put on a fake smile anymore. Seriously! 

Plus i'm due for a visit from the therapists tomorrow....oh the joy.

I hope all is well with all of you x

All my love, Astra x

P.S: New followers, send me links, it wont let me go on your blogs :( 

Thankyou Guys :) Bit Of An Up-Beat Post FINALLY!

Hello Lovlies,

        Firstly, thankyou to the people who gave their MSN's :) I've added you, or sent you emails :) It's great to have support <3

            Today has been a bad-ish/Good-ish day, i woke up with voices screaming in my head. My arm was bright red, and bleeding..because last night..i ate too much..felt so bad i needed to be punished..so i scraped my now healing cuts from before..and made them bleed until i felt better=/ 

            I was all ready to pack college in today and go back to bed and cut..=/ But as soon as the therapist went, i actually plucked up the courage and went :) PLEASE BE PROUD! haha. The bus ride into college was HORRIFIC.  Even with ear phones in and music playing as loud as possible, the voices were still screaming, i thought i was going to have a panic attack on the bus...i felt my whole body go hot, paranoia was at MAX and i was just about ready to explode into pure terror. It was horrible. 

 I don't know if you guys suffer with this, but when you feel like everyone wants you dead? just total strangers, they all want to hurt you, because you either ate too much or for some other reason? Well, i felt that. I was seeing things all over the place that weren't actually there. I swear that was the longest bus ride of my entire life. I had to tell a friend to meet me by the reception because i was too scared to go in by myself =/ God i felt like a idiot >__>

              I was pretty proud of myself when i did eventually get there :) 

We used these special massage machines today, instead of doing manual massage. IT WAS SO GOOOOD!! I swear if backs can have orgasms, i'm sure mine did!! HAHA! Even though i wasn't really meant to use the machines on me because i was too thin? WHAT?!!!...But i did anyway :) ( And again, people commented badly on my weight) ARGHHHHHH. 

             You know what i did today too?? Ate in front of people..BUT without them knowing, everything was low cal ;] ..I had brought along some food for lunch...but realised it was all too much..i mean over 200 cals for a chocolate bar? NO THANKS!...So i use the vending machines to buy myself something healthy and low calorie :) GO ME! except i ruin it all when i get home by eating my mums spaghetti bolagnaise...the ONE thing i can't resist!! I tried not to eat too much..i left just over a quarter of it..=/

       Also, supposed to be seeing the college counsellor tomorrow at 9am!!! WHEN I DON'T HAVE COLLEGE TOMORROW!! No thanks!! I want my lie in! And to be honest, i've had enough of counsellors and such at the moment..so i'll just say i forgot or something.? Plus i should be seeing a friend tomorrow too. Not quite sure...i mean i know i should..it's just...she's the friend who watches me closely with what i eat...=/ I can't be doing with pressure. Maybe if i eat with her...i wont eat much for the rest of the day or something?  

HELP! 

But anyway..i think thats all.... 

Love you guys :')

Astra x 

What Am I? And Gimme MSN's Ladies!!

Hello Beauties,

THANKYOU FOR ALL YOUR LOVELY COMMENTS TOO, THEY MEAN SO MUCH <3

         Well today hasn't really been that much of an eventful day! I tell you what though, i defiantly burned lots of calories! :) I cleaned the entire house :D With next to no food inside me. 

I must of eaten less than 800 calories today :) Maybe even less!

Food intake:

-Teeny bowl of cereal-150 cals(ish)

-Small bowl of beans-160 calories

-Dinner- Around 300 calories, maybe less as i didn't eat hardly anything!

       I feel too full now :(

So many people are saying i have an ED. But thing is, i don't want to believe it. 

 CW: 93lbs

-Some days which i like to call "Normal" days, i still enjoy eating...but a whole load of guilt and self hate soon follows. 

-I love to restrict, just simply because it makes me feel good.

 -The less i eat the better i feel. 

-When i binge the voices in my head get louder, i sometimes feel suicidal, the urge to cut is so intense it's sometimes unreal.

-I don't think i'm fat...i just think i could afford to lose a few pounds...although sometimes i actually do feel fat..=/

- I think about food ALOT. 

-If i can't be in control over what i eat ( Going over a friends ETC) i feel like shit and worry about the calories.

- I count the calories in everything possible.

-I've ttried throwing up food before..but failed..so i give up on that aspect now.

What does all this add up to???

P.S: I know i've said this before, but send me your MSN's if you have them, i'd love to talk x

Astra x

I Swear Each Day Gets Worse.

Hugs for all of you beautiful people :')

         You know something i've noticed? My posts are getting more depressing by the day. And today's isn't any better. Not sure where to start really.

            Well today..again i was meant to go to the BF's. Except...i really didn't want to go in the end..i'm so tight for money at the moment it's hard to do anything, and it costs £10 to get to his and back...not sure what that is in dollars...but it's quite a lot!! Point is..i couldn't afford it.

So i rang him up saying this. He kept going on and on and on about how i should just borrow money from my mum or grandparents to get to his. I said no, thats out of order. ( Bearing in mind we haven't seen eachother in 3 weeks now for the reasons i said in previous posts..)

       Then suddenly the whole conversation escalates into a full blown argument. So i say..well if we can't see eachother this weekend, i'll see you this Wednesday, as he is in town that day signing up for a hostel ( I know..yuck!) He replies with NO!..but wont give me a reason why. So we both give up and say we will talk later.

     5 minutes later he sends me a text saying,

" Is there any point in being together anymore?"

     I was stunned. After all i've been threw these few weeks plus more, he throws that at me. After more than 2 years of going out! So i decided not reply..so another 5 minutes later he rings me going " Well? What you think?" And basically keeps saying we shouldn't be together anymore because i'm always stroppy" with him and never want to be touched ETC. Even though he knows why i don't like being touched and such. I'm just thinking at the other end of the phone, WTF?? I can't handle this.

And long story short ( As this drags on for a while) He gives me the ultimatum to go up to his to sort things out..so i say yes...then feel ill because of all this, so ring him back up saying i can't make it...so we both leave it saying well i'll see you in 2 weeks then? =/

AND admitted he hasn't wanted this relationship for months because of the way i've been...=/

I feel like total shit.

I just want to feel pain and hunger...

Food intake has been OK...

-Teeny little breakfast

-Small chicken roll

-( And then ruined it all by being fed 2 chip stuffed rolls) =/ 

The only good thing i did today was get a new coat ( Which i must admit is pretty lush) :) 

I felt so good buying it because at that moment in time i was actually really hungry and felt all light inside :)

THINK THIN LADIES!!!

Astra x 

Out Of Control.

Gorgeous? YES!!!

Alexa Chung Is A Beaut.

                     So as you may of guessed, i didn't end up going to the BF's today, instead i stayed indoors, on my own feeling like poo. My food intake is out of control...i NEED that control back. But how??? It's like i've lost all sense of reality. I see food, and eat it...then feel shit...so eat more..it's like a viscous circle! 

HELP ME. 

I need that control back again. You know what i've eaten today? :

-Bowl of cereal

-Ham roll-MORE cereal

-Chicken pie with veg.

-CHOCOLATE.

                          WTF. IS WRONG WITH ME?????? I can't stop. I was so in control before..so what happened? My stomach was flat, i felt good...now it's bulgy...my collarbones are disappearing and i feel like utter shit.

I want to feel good again, i'm SICK of feeling ugly and bloated. 

Can someone PLEASE give me some inspiration? 

The homecare team are coming round tomorrow, to talk about making plans for the next step. Blehh. I don't want to..i'm just an out of control freak who lets food control her life. 

I should be the one controlling the food!!!

I might also go to the BF's tomorrow aswell...i can't really not see him 3 weeks running can i? We have been going out near on 2 years...But all what i said before in previous posts still applies. We did speak on the phone today..which again..puts me off of going as he kept asking, "Are you eating?" ETC ETC...Which means he will watch me eat when i'm round..=/

I just need to take a stand, need to gain my control back! 

ITS MY BODY AND I SHALL DO WHATEVER THE HELL I LIKE WITH IT! 

Much love,

Astra x 

 

Too Much On Her Plate.

Now if that's not thinspo i dunno what is! HAHA!

 Look at her stomach, it's gorgeous.

Hey girls,

           Wow, today has been a complete and utter mess. So today as you know, i went to see my psychiatrist. Well i did...and he was the most ignorant arrogant FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT i have ever come across. Today i swear he was worse than the last time i saw him. He thinks there is nothing major wrong with me...just because i wouldn't answer his questions because I DIDN'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT HE WAS SAYING!!!!!!! ARRGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Not my fucking fault he can't speak English is it? Seriously!

He is signing me off the treatment plan as of next week, and now apparently it's up to ME to find else where to go! WTF.?

I walked out that door making sure he knew what i was thinking! i screwed up his piece of shit paper work he gave me and walked out.!!

Next thing you know, my mum storms in there having a right go at him! XD  HA!! FUCK YOU MR. SHITTY PSYCHIATRIST.

No, but seriously by that point i had, had enough. Now it's up to me to find somewhere else to go by next week? Well thanks! I'll starve myself to death and commit suicide while i'm at it too shall i? ( I felt like saying to him)

So now my mum is going to get me therapy elsewhere. And i didn't tell him about my eating...there was no point to be frank. He wasn't listening to a word i was saying. I feel like giving up on everything =/ My mum now wants me to go see the doctor ASAP for a second opinion.I CBA. Everything is too much.

I feel worse than ever...so today..i didn't bother going to college afterwards..i felt way too suicidal to go out that door and face the world..i just came upstairs and stayed in my room all day being hungry...

My tutor understood why i couldn't come in, so that was a relief.

I hate myself. I feel fat and ugly. I just quite literally want to give up and sleep forever. 

I honestly do.

I'm meant to be going to the BF's tomorrow...i don't want to. =/

I don't want to lose him, but atm i don't want to see him either...He is making me feel worse..the things he says...the fact he admitted he can't say i love you, atm because he finds it hard? WTF? Thanks ever so much for that. Everything has turned around to him yet again, he is the one with all the problems, i'm all fine and dandy. Forget me? I'll just sit here and rot away while you feel sorry for yourself, just because he is moving out to a hostel  soon? And thats it. Id love to be him. He can deal with my issues instead. Then there would be a real reason to complain. And i don't even do that!! Maybe i should start?

Point is, i don't want to eat anymore. I keep being practically force fed and moaned at when i don't eat...so i do, just to shut people up. And then i feel ill and shitty all day...which in turn, brings my moods down even more...which leads to cutting and blah blah blah...It's an endless cycle. 

And now i'm getting feelings of wanting and needing to throw it all back up...

What do i do??

Astra x 

BINGE MONSTER.

               OMG.....I swear i have probably eaten about a gazillion calories today =/

Ok...so that might be an exaggeration, but still...I ate like...

-Half a bag of a huge pack of crisps

-Galaxy chocolate

-A full pasta meal with tuna and ham

-1 Magnum mini.

= 100000000 Calories?  AHHH.

I FEEL ILL!!!!!!!!!!!

               WTF is wrong with me...I seriously couldn't resist anything today. I blame college...it was stressful, and when i'm stressed, i eat. People kept commenting on my weight today..i mean it's nice, but it made me feel horrible too..because they were commenting in a bad way with a horrible attitude towards it, although it might just be me being paranoid, " I think your wasting away! Your all bones" ETC. I hate getting my body out for massage now, everyone keeps commenting. But this is what makes me happy. I want to be like this...but without the comments..=/ It gets to me badly. And thats why i ate so much, just to shut everyone up. If they saw me pigging out on everything, why should they get suspicious?

They wont. Simple.

           On top of that, i'm freaking out. I had a catch up with my tutor today. I have so much to catch up on. PLUS. We are starting our assessments now too. Basically we get assessed on our massage skills. And there are Count them...75 FUCKING ASSESSMENTS!!!!!!! 75! 75 times to massage people. On paying clients. TOMORROW. FREAK OUT. I can't do this =/ It's ridiculous. Plus i have 2 assignments i have to catch up on too, that will take me at least 2 days. CBA. My head will not let me concentrate on them. All i can think is FOOD. And how i want more. MORE???? FUCK OFF STOMACH!! This has seriously got to me tonight. Everything is a huge mess. I cannot think. 

Thoughts and feelings are swirling in my head, the disgusting horrible ones.

And you know what i did today? I completely forgot about my arm...and took my cardigan off. It was only when someone was staring i realised and stuck it back on. FUCK SAKE.

The only thing that is keeping me going is the thought that i wont have to go in college for the full day tomorrow as i have to see the psychiatrist, so instead of a 8 hour day it will get cut down to a 4 hour day. I'm just stressing out so badly about it.

The bloody psychiatrist doesn't even understand what i say! >___>

Not looking forward to it one bit. And what do i say if he asks about my eating habits and feelings for food/weight? It's bound to come up. DENY DENY DENY. Yes? Well thats the plan. I want this control over food for myself. It keeps me sane. Does that sound weird?

Anyway...i'm sure i've bored you enough! HAHA :) 

Astra x

It's All About Self Control!

Dayum look at her!!!

Hello Ladies :)

           So today, i went shopping with my Grandma ( Dads mum) She wanted to buy me clothes, so who was i to say no! :D Got 2 lovely tops and a winter hat...couldn't find shoes :( My feet are so damn narrow it's near impossible to find any that fit!           

              After shopping, the inevitable happened..we went to a café to eat...=/ I couldn't say no to food...man i felt sick after i'd eaten that sandwich. Mind you...i guess it wasn't that bad..i hadn't eaten hardly anything at all before that PLUS I RESISTED CAKE! :) It was only about...160 cals, so not bad for a sandwich.

           We spoke about my dad...and how i wish he'd come back to say goodbye =/ ( My grandma is from a spiritualist church so knows about this sort of thing) She said he wont come back until i relax and stop wanting it so bad. Apparently if you search for a sign, it never happens..so i have to stop searching and wait. IMPOSSIBLE. He has already come back to her and my Grandad. I just want him to come back to me too... I do talk to him alot..but nothing happens..not that i expect it to.

         I also have college again tomorrow...kinda nervous again..i can feel my anxiety growing again =/ Another day of pretending. Another day of covering up cuts..erghhh. I wished i hadn't eaten dinner...i mean, it was small, but this anxiety makes me want to throw up.  

I want to purge...help me? What do i do? I feel fat and ugly. How do you do it so quietly no one can hear you?? I find it impossible.

You know as i was in the changing room in the hops today, i looked at myself properly...and i swear my tummy has gotten flatter :) I can just see the outlines of my ribs, and when i bend over, you can easily see my back ribs now. Something must of changed? No idea what i weigh though, drives me mad!!!!!!!!! 

 I'm starting to like the shape of my body now. It's all about self control! 

Fuck me i get so so pissed if i slip up now days, the more control i have the better i feel emotionally, the voices stop, i don't want to cut as bad, i don't feel suicidal...everything seems...OK?

Do you girls feel similar? 

Astra x 

LINKS PLEASEEE!

Hello girls,

          Today, today i hid behind my mask of happiness and "everything is ok!" * Smiles until cheeks hurt* Because i did go back to college today. When the therapist came round the morning i was dreading the day ahead, i was all ready to just pack it in and go back to bed. It was freezing and raining outside..which always makes everything worse! But the therapist came, we talked for ages about how i feel i have lost control over everything again. Apparently, i'm meant to go back to the hospital Thursday to see the psychiatrist again, for an update. As from now on it's out of my doctors hands, it's up to him now what happens.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW!!

So anyway...We talked again my weight was mentioned..=/ WTF is up with that..i never even brought it up in conversation. And in the end i convinced myself i was going to go, because i knew if i didn't i would of felt like i had failed and most probably binged all day..and probably cut the way i'm feeling atm. So at least i saved myself that grief. 

              My god though...my anxiety speared up like a volcano on the bus ride to college. The voies in my head were screaming at me to fucking get off the bus and jump in traffic, kill your fucking self, the need to pig out on a pack of crisps i brought to keep me going was huge. But i ignored it all :) I stuck my head phones in and ignored it. I was proud tbh. 

When i did get to college, after what seemed forever, i was greeted well :) Which was a surprise! And you know i do massage at college?...Well obviously that involves stripping down to underwear...so they did see my arm =/..although i covered it with a huge plaster...but of course the questions were thrown at me left right and center...i just said id accidentally cut my arm, and we had no usual sized plasters at home, so had to use a huge one..=/ ARGHHH!.  Dunno how long that excuse is gong to last for! 

And i tell you what, the massage today was lush!!!! Felt so good i swear! Got rid of my achy shoulder at least.

So food intake so far today :

Little breakfast to get metabolism going

Pack of crisps

Mini chocolate bar.  Not bad?

P.S: Thankyou for worrying about me, but my friend really does me the world of good :) She makes me feel so happy! So don't worry x

P.P.S: If i am not following you, send me your blog links 

Astra x 

She's Falling Apart.

Hello beautifuls,

                 It all says it in the title really, i'm slipping and fast. There are so many things going on in my head right now and have been for days. I didn't meet my grandma in the end, i met up with my best friend as she needed me, she is the anorexic/bulimic friend, and tbh i was worried about her, so i went and saw her. We went shopping for the most part of the day. We had a good catch up over coffee and told her EVERYTHING. She is the only friend who does know. Even about my eating etc. She understands. She didn't judge me, she just gave me a big cuddle, and we spoke about it. She's now worried about me even more than before as she didn't know the in's and out's before hand. She said, she doesn't think, she knows i'm anorexic..she said i have all the signs. =/ And i'm only in the beginning stages? =/ Plus she like everyone else thinks i should break up with my BF.I can't be around him atm. He is making me feel so bad. We joked about getting together ourselves! and tbh, i would, i love her so much, she understands me inside out, i could easily fall in love with her. 

Did i just admit that?

She's beautiful, intelligent, understands me..everything i'd want.

Anyway... 

We caught up, had a good time, an amazing time. And ofc popped into Ann summers, as we always do :) ( It's a sexy lingerie shop...along with sex toys etc) HAHA! 

Then i started to worry...she told me she hadn't eaten all day ( for obvious reasons) and she had forgotten her green tea pills..which keep her going throughout the day. So she was feeling faint and freezing cold. She refused everything i offered, so just had to hold her to keep her warm, as it was freezing that day :(...i mean if i felt that way, i wouldn't care, because i can control what i do, but i can't control her. I was so so worried. Plus she was meant to stay the night at mine, so that was another worry, along with her nan who she lives with, kept going on about how she knew she wouldn't eat if she came to mine =/...so putting her through a guilt trip basically.  So to take her mind off things, our mate played his guitar and we all sang to pass the time, as i was meeting another friend that night too. So we waited..and waited in the freezing cold, until he came. And by that time, she felt extremely ill..as she hadn't eaten. And as he knows nothing of both of our problems, he wanted to head straight to macdonalds..=/ AWKWARD. He ordered a big mac meal..i had a tiny chicken mayo burger..which i only ate half of!! :)..and we sat there feeling very awkward as she had nothing. ...and then as my friend is very open about her problems, she explained why she wasn't eating..which turned the whole situation into something ALOT MORE AWKWARD. I didn't car that she told him..it was just he didn't know how to handle it... 

So basically that night...she couldn't stay over mine, as she was feeling too ill, plus her nan won the guilt trip. So me and my guy friend headed to the pub where she was being picked up..had a drink...she left, and we stayed at the pub until about 11pm and talked. In the end, he stayed over, as i was feeling utterly terrible. Tbh with you..i wanted to get so so wasted. But ofc..i couldn't coz of the BF finding out..=/ ( He thinks every time i get drunk without him i end up sleeping with any guy i see) WTF? And plus..me and my guy friend have had a history so it makes the whole situation even worse. 

So basically that was my night.

Did i mention that day, all i ate was 3 celebration chocolates, and half a tiny burger! :) With plenty of water! I was soooo proud of myself! I didn't even get hungry!

And so, in other news..lastly, 2 nights ago..i gave into my feelings. I cut. Why? I don't know..but thing is..once i started i couldn't stop...i wanted it more and more until blood was dripping from my arm. All i did that night was listen to the song that was played at my dad's funeral and cut...And now i want more..=/ Thats all i can think about is..not eating and cutting.

I'm meant to be going back to college tomorrow! WTF am i going to do???! They are going to see my arm..!

I'm fucking falling apart.

I want my beautiful friend here.

What am i going to do? I feel so lost. I feel horrible. I swear everyone is commenting on peoples weight lately..."Skinny girls are horrible" blah blah...THANKS!!! All i've eaten today is a little bowl of cheerios, a couple of chocolates and a little dinner. Not much.

Sorry..Astra x 

BUSY, BUSY, BUSY...

Hello Ladies x

Thankyou for all your support on my last post, it made me smile.

Last night was horrific, but i managed to control myself eventually. Which is good. So i said last time i would speak about the funeral..so i will just go over the basics.

It was a lovely windy autumn day, with sunshine :) The service was very emotional...ad both families stayed apart. My step mother left early without as much as a glance or a word to anyone! I still need to get my things..if she will let me..probably not. But we put him to rest, and i had quiet time alone with him, to say my peace. The flower were lovely, and bright, just like him. He can sleep now, and be happy. His free.  

I love you.

      Today is a new day, i missed my therapist call round at the house today as i was in bed. So..OK i heard the door..but i wanted to be alone today, so ignored it. They're coming round tomorrow in the morning now instead. Then after that, i'm going into town to meet my grandma for coffee, she said she has money for me to buy winter lothes...but wanted to put it in my hands as she said if she put in in a cheque the BF might spend it all for me! XD ( He knows my pin number) so yeah...no one really likes him in the family for the way he has acted in the past, and now =/ But i would never tell him, it's my life anyway.  

            Then after that i should be meeting a friend in town after he finishes work :) I haven't seen him in ages, so it will be good to see him...if i do..he never gets back to my texts..so i have no idea when this will be =/ Lets hope he doesn't cancel. We will probably head to the pub or something, go for a catch up drink and chill out :) He makes me feel happy. Even though the BF hates him as we have a history..=/ Erghhh. He thinks i'm going to cheat on him with my friend. MEN!!! Lets all go lesbian! HAHA! Only problem with my friend is that he knows nothing of my dad, nor my depression..but i think i like it that way, it means i can be normal around him without him thinking " Ohhh, is she eating right? is she cutting?" blah blah blah. I like feeling normal sometimes.

            My food intake is awful!!!! i swear since my dad's passing i've just binged and binged. Like 1000+ cals a day..=/ It's awful. PLUS my mum brought chocolates home tonight...my weakness. >___> I need to get back into restricting again, like 500 or less cals a day. It made me feel good. I was thinking of fasting a day or 2? Or major restricting. But tbh with you, i have NO self control, so i wouldn't probably last more than a few hours. No idea of my weight..so i may of gained from this week of binging =/ RESTRICT!!! I hate feeling bloated or too full.  

So overall, today hasn't been too bad with emotions and thoughts and feelings. Hopefully tomorrow will be the same...but going out on my own proves another big challenge for me. Fingers crossed.

Astra x 

Thankyou Everyone x

         Hello you beautiful people <3
                   
I just wanted to say thankyou to you all for your comments. They all made me smile, one way or another :') I don't have the energy to comment all your blog updates tonight, so forgive me, but i will tomorrow, today has been a long stressful day. Which i will tell you about again, tomorrow.
       Right now, i'm not sure how to feel. I just want to give up...I have a BF who refuses now to call me until i all him, My father is buried and my head is so completely fucked. Binging is the only thing keeping me sane atm, well except you guys <3 That makes no sense right? Binging is making me feel sane??

   The urges to end this all now are growing, i just want my dad. End of. I just want to feel perfect, and be with him.
Maybe tomorrow i'll feel better..=/ But for now, i think, i just don't know..

You don't understand what your comments mean, it means i'm not alone <3

RANT RANT!!! FUCK FOOD. FUCK LIFE.

 Hello girls x

            So, let start with yesterday. FUCKING BAD DAY.  Moods were everywhere, and food was the ultimate enemy. Whenever i get like that food tastes 10x worse than it ever did, and i start feeling sick...which is what happened. 

Note: This mood happened AFTER the mental health team left my house. WTF is up with that???

So for the rest of the day i was running around in my head going mad. One minute racing round..next lying on the sofa munching out on crisps...=/ SHOOT ME. But tbh...at this moment in time i'm finding it VERY difficult to control cravings with my fathers funeral being tomorrow...I don't know how to feel about it.

       So instead of eating in the end..after seeing sense, i attempted to go to my room and fix my computer BAD MISTAKE. I sort of....broke it TEMPORARILY i must add!..As after another manic mood swing..i calmed down and re-fixed it! Clever me....NOT. So then decided it was in my best interests to leave it alone..other wise i was going to throw the damn thing out of the window :) It just runs so slow...it drives me mad. And did i mention, in the middle of my "manic" self destructive mood..with fucking marks down my arm from attempting to cut..which luckily i managed to control at the last minute Which i am kinda proud of..=/...ANOTHER team member came round at like 7pm?  To check up on me because i told the people who came round in the morning i was feeling suicidal and shit again..=/. So like i said...in the midst of going crazy and shitty...they knocked at the door. OH FUCK. Yeah..bad idea. She saw my arm. And then because of my mood i ended up going on and on about my moods and fucking how i hate to eat >___> Don't ask me why i blabbed that because i don't know :( Tbh though...i don't think she even took that bit in because i was sort of mumbling at that point. So after about half hour of talking and sitting there sweating because i started to get even more worked up, she left..and i was on my own STILL feeling like shit >__>. So as soon as mother came home at about 8, i ate a quarter of a meal and just went to bed. Simply, i just couldn't take feeling so shit..so i guess it was a good thing yesterday that from not eating i felt faint because it helped me sleep :) AND FEEL SO SO EMPTY :)

             

         So that was the basics of yesterday. Today however was even worse. As soon as i woke up, literally the second. The BF rang. Oh stupid me for thinking it was going to be a nice calm convo. Arguments all the way. The conversation is basics was that he was telling me to... "Get over it, start moving on with your life or your going to be stuck in that pit forever. Snap out of your mood. Grit your teeth and bear it." WTF!!!!!!!! BTW. At this point he was shouting this at me. And you want to know the best bit??? I told him i felt suicidal, and have done for ages, the reply to that?

 " Well go do it then! If you want to do something so stupid, go on then?!" Yeah..i feel so much better now, after that convo in the morning. NOT. 

1: I'm burying my father tomorrow.

2: I have fucking severe clinical, whatever it is!..depression !!!!  

      Thank fuck i haven't told him about my eating habits/feelings about food then!. 

Don't get me wrong..he was nice to me when it happened..but a week on he expected me to be over it...and since 2 weeks ago, his been back to normal and thinks i should be too? 

      All i want is a cuddle, a text..anything. Just to feel a little comforted. So for the rest of today again. I've been feeling like shit and BINGED ALL DAY! I'm sorry..=/ ( Oh yeah, and cleaned the entire house) I feel fat and ugly right now. So fucking disgusting.

Do you think you girls could do me a favour? Send me your MSN' s? It's just..i'm kinda freaked putting mine on here incase someone finds this blog >< I know..i'm way too paranoid, ahaha! 

Thankyou if you do <3 

I think my rant is over now, so Fuck food. Fuck life! :)

skinny skinny skinny!
 

Astra x 

( I apologize for the amount of swearing) 

500-ish Cals? + Picture

           MWAH! Hello lovelies,

         Well today has sucked :( Was up in the night feeling sick and disgusting..had about 4 hours sleep? Bu made up for it later on today. So obviously with me feeling like death...i didn't go to college..this is now the 3rd week of not going...for obvious reasons. I'll tell you one thing. I'm scared to go back now...

1: Paranoia..i'll always think that all my classmates with talk about me...and make up ridiculous reasons why i've been away for 3 weeks.

2: All the questions...all the staring...all the whispering. I know for a fact they will ask me..."Have you lose weight again"?...People were nagging before about that.

3: I know i'm not going to be able to cope. Feeling suicidal and wanting to cut during lessons DO NOT help.

4: Not wanting to eat at lunch and having to make up excuses why i'm not eating. 

5: Once i go back, my eating will be all over the place.        

        So those are the reasons.  I'm SICK TO DEATH of this endless cycle. Get up. Eat breakfast to get metabolism going. Get through the day without doing something stupid. NOT EATING. There must be more to this? I get up thinking, today is a new day! woo! I won't give in to temptations, i want to feel light :D...And then i walk downstairs..eat breakfast...then BINGE. And then feel so depressed i do not want to move and progress with the day. I'll sit on the sofa all day watching shit TV. Thats what i did today. Got up...ate like..5 bites of a pasta pot..then threw it away!! ..ate some crisps..which were about 150 cals..and sat on the sofa all day..picking at chocolate =/ Until i got a phonecall from the home care team saying they were visiting tomorrow. WELL DURRRRR!!! I'm already dreading that. I keep saying everyday, i'll do exercise, workout, tone up! But then all my motivation goes away.

        I WANT TO BE BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!! Is that too much? Perfection is impossible. I know this. But Our own depictions of perfection aren't...so we can be perfect...just not to everyones taste. 

       Tbh honest with you girls, i think even the cat has eaten more than me today! HAHA. Plus she is very fat. And she's on a diet that the vet set up! Dear oh dear.

        On a completly separate note, i didn't say in my last post but lately..randomly at night i'll wake up literally dripping in sweat from head to toe. I'll be shaking all over because i'm cold from it..then fall back to sleep..and it will happen again! WTF? It's gross! Because then i'll end up being all smelly the next day! Oopps! So weird though seriously. Is it true you burn calories from just sweating alone? Because if thats the case i'm burning tons each night! Wahay!

    Man...i'm still hungry..i'll drink instead. :) You know you guys should feel special!..whenever i bnge or something...i feel guilty as if i'm letting you down! :) So it stops me. And that is why i think i'm slowly getting addicted to blogging! haha. In tomorrows post i shall leave my email up...but only for an hour or two..i don't want weirdos adding me :( So watch this space, i think it'd be great to talk. 

 lus i think, i should put a picture up, just so you get an idea what i'm dealing with here >__> blurgh. 

 After eating rather alot. BLURGHH.

Much Love, Astra x