OMG.....I swear i have probably eaten about a gazillion calories today =/
Ok...so that might be an exaggeration, but still...I ate like...
-Half a bag of a huge pack of crisps
-Galaxy chocolate
-A full pasta meal with tuna and ham
-1 Magnum mini.
= 100000000 Calories? AHHH.
I FEEL ILL!!!!!!!!!!!
WTF is wrong with me...I seriously couldn't resist anything today. I blame college...it was stressful, and when i'm stressed, i eat. People kept commenting on my weight today..i mean it's nice, but it made me feel horrible too..because they were commenting in a bad way with a horrible attitude towards it, although it might just be me being paranoid, " I think your wasting away! Your all bones" ETC. I hate getting my body out for massage now, everyone keeps commenting. But this is what makes me happy. I want to be like this...but without the comments..=/ It gets to me badly. And thats why i ate so much, just to shut everyone up. If they saw me pigging out on everything, why should they get suspicious?
They wont. Simple.
On top of that, i'm freaking out. I had a catch up with my tutor today. I have so much to catch up on. PLUS. We are starting our assessments now too. Basically we get assessed on our massage skills. And there are Count them...75 FUCKING ASSESSMENTS!!!!!!! 75! 75 times to massage people. On paying clients. TOMORROW. FREAK OUT. I can't do this =/ It's ridiculous. Plus i have 2 assignments i have to catch up on too, that will take me at least 2 days. CBA. My head will not let me concentrate on them. All i can think is FOOD. And how i want more. MORE???? FUCK OFF STOMACH!! This has seriously got to me tonight. Everything is a huge mess. I cannot think.
Thoughts and feelings are swirling in my head, the disgusting horrible ones.
And you know what i did today? I completely forgot about my arm...and took my cardigan off. It was only when someone was staring i realised and stuck it back on. FUCK SAKE.
The only thing that is keeping me going is the thought that i wont have to go in college for the full day tomorrow as i have to see the psychiatrist, so instead of a 8 hour day it will get cut down to a 4 hour day. I'm just stressing out so badly about it.
The bloody psychiatrist doesn't even understand what i say! >___>
Not looking forward to it one bit. And what do i say if he asks about my eating habits and feelings for food/weight? It's bound to come up. DENY DENY DENY. Yes? Well thats the plan. I want this control over food for myself. It keeps me sane. Does that sound weird?
Anyway...i'm sure i've bored you enough! HAHA :)
Astra x
I think I'm going to read all you blog to seach for inspiration...
ReplyDeleteNEED IT !
I'm at the university and i don't now if studyingNOFOOD would be a good idea :/
bah, stay strong !
Kisses :D
your post sounded just like me! i used to see the psychiatrist... I usually talked a little about my day and then asked question about him... its timed right? well if you eat up the time talking about him then you dont have to talk about you. but of course make sure you dont seem like youre avoiding it. i think i will follow your blog!!
ReplyDeleteoh btw cassie is my favorite!! =) Shes so gorgeous and perfect! i only watched the first season though... i lived in the uk then but dont anymore. i miss it!
<3
it's all going to be ok, that's all i can say. i know, that doesn't sound helpful. but i know it's going to be fine. it's just a matter of time <3 all the best xxx
ReplyDeletePeople at college are probably just concerned but not showing it very well.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with all the assessments tomorrow, soudns like it's going to be a crazy busy day. Take some time out afterwards to chill out and relax :)
Lots of love xxx
Deep breaths! You can get through everything, just take it one step at a time. You're fabulous--you can do anything you set your mind to. ;)
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
Massage school sounds awesome! Though 75 assessments not so much. You can do it though! Keep your head up! <3 Jade
ReplyDeleteYou can do it, try to calm down and breath.
ReplyDeletePeople are just worried about you, that´s good, they care.
Take care sweetie and remember you can do it
It'll be ok, you'll get caught up somehow on your school stuff. Hey at least tomorrow you only have to go for a half day! If controlling food helps you, then it helps you feel better. This will all be alright, but for now just do what you need to feel better! Xox
ReplyDeleteIf you don't like your psychiatrist, try and ask for someone else honestly.
ReplyDeleteIt's the best thing I ever did, my psychiatrist is a Scottish man in his 60's and we get on REALLY well.
It helps so much and you don't feel afraid thinking they're going to control you or jus tmark you down as crazy because when you get the right psych, you realise they GET you in a good way and you don't worry.
I look forward to my appointments like, he sits and tells me about his life LOL :)
xox