500-ish Cals? + Picture

           MWAH! Hello lovelies,

         Well today has sucked :( Was up in the night feeling sick and disgusting..had about 4 hours sleep? Bu made up for it later on today. So obviously with me feeling like death...i didn't go to college..this is now the 3rd week of not going...for obvious reasons. I'll tell you one thing. I'm scared to go back now...

1: Paranoia..i'll always think that all my classmates with talk about me...and make up ridiculous reasons why i've been away for 3 weeks.

2: All the questions...all the staring...all the whispering. I know for a fact they will ask me..."Have you lose weight again"?...People were nagging before about that.

3: I know i'm not going to be able to cope. Feeling suicidal and wanting to cut during lessons DO NOT help.

4: Not wanting to eat at lunch and having to make up excuses why i'm not eating. 

5: Once i go back, my eating will be all over the place.        

        So those are the reasons.  I'm SICK TO DEATH of this endless cycle. Get up. Eat breakfast to get metabolism going. Get through the day without doing something stupid. NOT EATING. There must be more to this? I get up thinking, today is a new day! woo! I won't give in to temptations, i want to feel light :D...And then i walk downstairs..eat breakfast...then BINGE. And then feel so depressed i do not want to move and progress with the day. I'll sit on the sofa all day watching shit TV. Thats what i did today. Got up...ate like..5 bites of a pasta pot..then threw it away!! ..ate some crisps..which were about 150 cals..and sat on the sofa all day..picking at chocolate =/ Until i got a phonecall from the home care team saying they were visiting tomorrow. WELL DURRRRR!!! I'm already dreading that. I keep saying everyday, i'll do exercise, workout, tone up! But then all my motivation goes away.

        I WANT TO BE BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!! Is that too much? Perfection is impossible. I know this. But Our own depictions of perfection aren't...so we can be perfect...just not to everyones taste. 

       Tbh honest with you girls, i think even the cat has eaten more than me today! HAHA. Plus she is very fat. And she's on a diet that the vet set up! Dear oh dear.

        On a completly separate note, i didn't say in my last post but lately..randomly at night i'll wake up literally dripping in sweat from head to toe. I'll be shaking all over because i'm cold from it..then fall back to sleep..and it will happen again! WTF? It's gross! Because then i'll end up being all smelly the next day! Oopps! So weird though seriously. Is it true you burn calories from just sweating alone? Because if thats the case i'm burning tons each night! Wahay!

    Man...i'm still hungry..i'll drink instead. :) You know you guys should feel special!..whenever i bnge or something...i feel guilty as if i'm letting you down! :) So it stops me. And that is why i think i'm slowly getting addicted to blogging! haha. In tomorrows post i shall leave my email up...but only for an hour or two..i don't want weirdos adding me :( So watch this space, i think it'd be great to talk. 

 lus i think, i should put a picture up, just so you get an idea what i'm dealing with here >__> blurgh. 

 After eating rather alot. BLURGHH.

Much Love, Astra x