MEERRRYYYY CHHRRIIISSSSSTTMMMAASSSSS :)

 

 

 

 

I love that picture.... hahaha.

 

Sooo,

HAPPY CHRISTMAS BEAUTIES!

I hope you have a wonderful happy  day! :)

It's raining where i am...not very jolly right?

Soooooo much food in the cupboards for tomorrow... ><

But fuck it...i guess?

I'll just have to work extra hard to get all that fat back off!  Ready for new year...no one wants to start a new year being fat, right?...

New year fresh start and all that...

Anyway....

 

Have lovely days everyone!

I'll do a proper update soon, promise

 

Love,

Astra x



I Can't Breathe.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know where to start...

I'm going round in circles here...

I looked in the mirror today, in the dress im going to wear for new years...and just thought...fuck. You're ruining that pretty little dress with that disgusting body of yours.

I'm sinking again.

I feel so sad...ugly and i'm so tired...

Tired of this pathetic life i'm living.

I got offered a sort of job the other day...doing what i had studied in college, just a few days a week, profits split 60/40 to me, as i wouldn't have to rent a room in the salon...and i so want to do it....this is the perfect oppurtunity...but i can't, once they know i'm on this benefit, they'll ask why...and i'll have to tell them...i'm still cutting, still feeling suicidal, still having nightmares, still having days where i can't get out of the house...how can i possibly work? What if i have a panic attack there? They aren't going to want a severly depressed girl with bi-polar tendancies who self harms and thinks of ODing from time to time...i'm not reliable...some days i could make it out...others, i can't leave my bed.

I'm a complete failure.

Everyone around me thinks i'm "so much better" but truth is...most of that " happiness" is complete acting. Because in my head, i'm thinking...if i don't show big progress soon, people are going to leave me.

I've been on "sick benefits" for nearly 2 years now...this wasn't the plan!

I wanted to make something of myself!

I don't feel good enough for anybody to love...

I feel like S is losing faith in me to ever make something of myself...i feel like he's slipping away...he isn't proud to call me his girlfriend. Why should he be? I don't work...i don't drive...i still live at home. I keep thinking he's going to leave me...because he wants someone better for himself. His family want better for him than me.

But they don't understand!!!! No body around me understands!!!

No one knows the torture i live everyday. The nightmares i live with.

No body gets it. No body truly knows who i am.

Because if people knew...they would leave.

If people knew i cut, and when i cut i go as deep as i can, the pleasure i get from it is incredible. The blood. If people knew i've ODed...and sometimes still crave to, the buzz from popping those pills, one by one...If people knew i used to eat just 200 calories a day at times, watching eat bite of food, pulling my fat, watching myself fade away til i saw collarbones prutruding, til i saw my front and back ribs, til my hips were so pointy there was a huge gap between me and the underwear, til my stomach concaved. If people knew i daydreamed about killing myself. In detail. If people read my diary..the disgusting vile, freakishly weird shit...if people knew how i saw the world, the fucked up things i think, really fucked up....if people REALLY knew who i was, they would leave.

I'm wasting away in this life...doing nothing but watching tv, laying in bed til ridiculous hours...doing NOTHING. Watching the world go by.

I'm sure friends, family and S are starting to think i want this? I want to be a waster. But i DON'T! I hate it. I hate me for doing it. I want to work, drive, live alone...but they don't understand true depression. Depression so deep inside me i've had it since i was 15! All this time i've been struggling, wading through this mud.

I got weighed at the doctors Wednesday, 44.4kg BMI of 17.3.

That means i've lost a couple of pounds...and i was happy.

I can't go back there again. I can't start wanting to lose weight again...but its there...that little craving to restrict...its there.

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHO THE FUCK I AM!!!

No one gets what depression is doing to me.

It restricts my life to the point of being bed bound.

Everyone just says,

"Get over it, get up, face the day with a smile, people are worse off than you, snap out of it"...etc, etc...

IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK LIKE THAT!!!!

No one here gets it...and i guess that's why i feel so damn alone.

And i guess thats why i cry myself to sleep.

 

Now i just feel like this was a whole " attention seeking" post...it really wasn't.

 

Astra x



Just A Little Thankyou, Angels.

 

 

 

 

This post is purely just to thank each and every one of you who read and comment on my blog.

You are my angels.

I love you all dearly and i wouldn't know what i'd do without all of you.

We are all fighting our own wars, but together we become stronger. And one day we will look back on all of this and laugh at those demons that brought us down! Because we might have grazed knees from where we fell, but we can still stand tall, taller than ever, knowing how strong we truly are.

From the first day i started this blog, i never for a minute thought i would find my solace, find people who would take the time to read my dark thoughts, and try to even then, bring a smile to my face. But you have, and i thankyou so much for that.

You are all so beautiful and loving.

Here is the only place i can really pour my heart out, and write down how i secretly feel inside, without the fear of being judged.

Here, its like my secret world, a place where i can be me, somewhere i can escape the outside. Somewhere i can escape from reality.

You are all like a sort of family! An online family! Especially those who have read my blog from nearly the very start.

 

I just wanted to let you know, i love you girls.

 

And i wanted to also thankyou for nominating me for the Leibster Blog Award.

I would write a post, like i'm supposed to for it, but i don't know what i'm supposed to do, because i've only just come back online from being away, so the award ceremony, if you like, has gone :(

But i'll defiantly be here for the next one!

And i'll do a proper update soon.

 

 

All my love and cuddles,

 

 

Astra x