I Can't Shake This Feeling.

Today has been one of the worst days on record for me.

I'm sat here at 3am, writing this because i need to get this off my chest.

I spent the ENTIRE day in bed, because i physically couldn't get up.

I was simply too depressed.

Thoughts were flying through my mind, suicidal ones.

And it all started because me and S ended up having a huge argument all because i wouldn't answer the phone to him...long story short...

The other day, i was feeling very depressed..as per...

So he said he would call me, but i said no, i want to be alone...so 7 missed calls later, he texts me going..oh whatever.

And i'm like, what?

Then starts throwing abuse at me, swearing at me, because i make him feel like shit because i wouldn't answer my phone?

After i explained why.

So then today....he completly ignores my texts, til about 7pm, saying ohh i'm busy talk to you later.

By that point i am seriously considering walking out my house and fucking never coming back. I was feeling shit anyway...but then to hear my own bf who is supposed to love me, doesn't care?

And then when he does text me back eventually, he starts on me AGAIN. Over literally NOTHING.

So then, i gather up the strength to ask him " do you love and want to be with me?"

He replies with, "well have you found someone better then, its up to you what you wanna do"

So then i obviously start bursting out crying.

I asked him did he even care...he came back with

"Not right now, no"

He basically came to the conclusion, I need to change. ME.

Going on about how i take him for granted, and how i treat him like shit...blah blah blah.

Then suddenly stops the conversation with "i'm going to bed, i have work"

So now......

i have no idea what is going on.

And like i said before, S is the only one keeping me going. If i don't have him, i have nothing. And if i have nothing...well....whats the point?

I ended up playing around with a knife on the sofa, it was too blunt to do anything more than surface wounds.

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't function.

I'm back to feeling suicidal.

And i know this all may sound pathetic...but you have no idea how much i love this boy. My whole life revolves around him.

Literally anything these days can bring back old thoughts of ..you know what...just because i feel so stressed and tense and angry and shit.

I just can't cope with ANYTHING.

I know i make him sound like a complete asshole...but maybe some of this is my fault?..

Truth of the matter is.

If we break up. I'm gone.

I can't do this alone.

He is my life.

I refuse to go on without him.

I Give Up With People.

I mean i totally give up.

I can't do right for doing wrong today.

Seems like everyone has had a dig at me today, and what did i do??

FUCK ALL.

Everyone thinks they can get away with saying shit about me, bitching about me, having a go at me, over NOTHING.

For example, i put a "funny" status up on fb today, everryone took it the wrong way and assumed because i put it up, me and S had broken up!!

Then started fucking bitching about me to him, then me and him got into an argument about it, now he's sulking like a little child and wont talk to me. Over a fucking status!!

I'm sick and tired of people walking all over me.

Expecting the world.

Well guess what???

I don't have anything to give anymore!

I'm mentally and physically tired.

Losing weight again because my body refuses to keep food down, for over a month now.

Every bite i take i feel as if i'm going to throw up.

I dunno whats wrong with me.

You know i cried for a full hour over everything today, and couldn't stop.

I've just had enough. Of everyone and everything.

I don't want to have to justify every little thing i do.

I'm SICK OF IT.

Everyone expects me to be the strong one, the one who anyone can come to me with their problems and thinks i can solve them, well i can't! I have enough problems of my own, what don't they understand?

My whole body feels like it might implode where i'm so stressed.

I just want to shut myself away from everyone, away from the tension, away from the bitchyness, away from the problems of other people, away from faking smiles, away from just human beings all together.

Why can't for once someone wait hand and foot on me?

Am i not allowed to have one fucking day without someone judging me, causing me to break down like a stupid little girl.

I just want to hide away.

I want some mental peace.

I want to run away from everyone and never come back, start fresh somewhere...you know?



I Don't Know If I Want Suicide Or Not...

Now i'm stuck again...

I don't know what i want.

Suicide? No one should say this unless they mean it. It's not something to be taken lightly. It's death.

And in the past i have meant it, hence the OD's.

And it's entered my head again...but...i thought long and hard. Do i really have the guts to die? Because once i'm gone, i'm gone. No turning back.

Part of me is too scared...the other..can't take this anymore, how many times have i said that? ha.

I feel totally on my own.

No matter how many people i surround myself with, there is some kind of invisible wall up, blocking everyone out.

"Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around."

I can't take this feeling anymore.

I'm so angry all the time.

S keeps insinuating that i'm being "needy"

All because i say i need to see him....

Then goes off and insinuates that i'm not loving enough...

I CAN'T FUCKING WIN.

Then goes off in moody childish strops all because i was blunt with him, because quite frankly, i've had enough.
I get the feeling off of hi, that he's sick of me being like this, and if i don't "snap out of it" as to say, he'll leave me.

Sometimes, i just wish i wasn't ever in this situation.

I'm too nice. Way too fucking nice.

I treat people as if they're royalty...like, they are my meaning for life.

And i get nothing in return!!!

I watch every word i say, i make sure my actions wont hurt anybody else, i tip toe around everybody!

I'm bored of being nice.

Why is it the more genuine, nice and giving you are, the more of a prick the people on the other end act?

Oh yeah...and what doesn't help my mood either is that that cunt has moved her blog again, to another URL, so i can't find it.

Now i'm on the edge of my seat, biting my finger nails wondering what the fuck she is writing about me and S.

I've tried everything to try and find it, searching all through google, through twitter, through facebook, even creating fake accounts to track it down....NOTHING.

I'm getting obsessed.

I'm letting this rule my life.

Absoulutly NOTHING is going right.

I'm losing my grip on reality.

I have nobody anymore.

Everyone ran away, everyone is ok again....

While i'm still stuck in this cycle of self destruction.

I feel too old for this now? I feel pathetic.

I'm 20 for fucks sake.

Surely i should be ok? Surely i should just "get on with it"?

But no. It wont go away. It's still ruling my life.

Part of me wants to die before i hit 21. I truely do.

I'm still re-reading my Nancy Spungen book.

Just for the fact i can relate to her so much..apart from the drugs and shit.

She died before she hit 21, stabbed..either by herself or in a suicide pact with her Boyfriend Sid Vicious.

She lived her life through schizophrenia and depression, i know i'm not schizopherinic...but i can relate to the most part.

Read her book. It's amazing.

Bottom line is....i don't know what to do.

If i had a gun, it would be easy. Id do it for sure. But OD...it's a slow painful death. I don't know if i could handle that alone...but who would stand by and be with me while i died? No one is the answer. I wouldn't want to put someone through that anyway.

i just...don't know what to do...

Astra x



Sleep: Like Death, Without The Commitment.

I feel so alone.

No body i know understands the way i feel.

I haven't taken my pills regularly in a few weeks...just for lack of motivation to even get out of bed...and it's already taking effect.

I haven't bathed in days, i stink, my hair is a greasy mop and i look disgusting. i somehow have bruises all oer my legs.

The most part of my day is spent asleep...i can't get up to face anything anymore...

The reason for not taking my pills i hear you ask?

Well...i don't really know...i think it was because i was feeling so shit, thinking they aren't working anymore, they are causing so much acne its unreal, i just came to the conclusion, fuck it. Why should i try anymore? I'm tired of fighting.

Since i've stopped taking my pills regular, i'm finding that everytime i eat, i feel like i might throw up, so i'm not eating either.

Now i've come to the stage where i'm too tired to cut, to eat, to wash, to even try to commit suicide, i just feel utterly...nothing?

I feel no emotion.

I just sit in front of the tv all day, staring blankly.

I don't want to go out anymore.

I don't want to see anyone.

I don't want to talk to anyone.

I just want to be alone with my own nothingness.

I went to sleep over a friends the other night...

It was near enough impossible to keep that fake smile on my face.

To pretend i was ok.

To pretend like i was comfortable around them.

I don't want that anymore.

I heard meditation helps?

But i can't switch my mind off...

I want to meet my guardian angel.

I don't want to feel alone like this.

My room is a state...i'm normally a neat freak..but i just can't find the energy to clean...everything is a mess, everything is making me angry. I'm angry at everything and everyone. And i have no idea why. It's either anger or nothing.

I don't even have the motivation to clean my teeth! That's disgusting. But i'm so un-kept at the moment, it's a struggle to try and smarten myself up.

I'm just thinking, whats the point?

I'm not going to go out, i'm not going to see anyone, my life at this point in time sees no end to this day in day out misery, so whats the actual point in trying?

I don't look forward to tomorrow's because tomorrow brings nothing but the same old shit.

I'm not sure if i want to die, i just want this to end.

Everything is getting on top of me, making me angry, not quite suicidal, just...at that point where i cannot be bothered anymore.

Astra x