Sorry I've Been A Bad Blogger!! Ana Is Killing My Brain.

Dear beauties,

Sorry i've not blogged in so long....tbh with you, i've been too ashamed and un-motivated...

I tried to kill myself again...with no luck...

The need to die is growing again, and for the last week or so, i haven't wanted to face the world at all, i just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep. Which is what i've been doing a lot lately..sleeping.

Me and S are back on track i think, we had a lovely weekend..and hopefully going out for his mates birthday next weekend.

I love him so much, it hurts. I really don't deserve him.

Ana has also been bugging me lately...

I can't control my eating at all, as soon as i'm hungry, i'll eat! And i can't stop.

I know i've put on weight, i'm like a balloon. I must weigh now..about 100lbs. or so? Maybe less. What happened to 90lbs!!??

I want 90lbs back please!!!!!!

I keep saying i'll try tomorrow, tomorrow is another day...but it's no different. It's all the same. That little voice in the back of my head telling me i'm fat, telling me to put the chocolate down. But i can't, and the voices are getting worse.

I don't don't want to personify anorexia..but it is like a person telling me not to eat and i'm fat etc. I know i've gained from my thighs...they almost touch now! I look disgusting. I want my ribs, my collarbones, my flat stomach back. NOW.

All i've been feeling lately is guilt, sadness and suicidal. I'm ashamed to be me.

I picked up my portfolio from college the other day. A whole years work, a big fat folder of words..and for what?? To be sat here now, with no job, to prospects and a bi-polar mind.

S keeps telling me i need a job. But i simply can't. I can't handle my life even now, and i'm not even doing anything!

Oh yeah..and my computer is broken!! It wont let me on any thinspo sites, or other sites to feel inspirational, or like i'm not alone...so now i feel even worse!! NO THINSPO!!

So i have to get this fixed!!! But i'm worried if it does get fixed, the people who do it might find this blog?!..And all my secret pictures.

Who knows?

It's summer now anyway..i NEED to get thin for summer. I need a beach body, not a beached whale body.

I'm also sweltering in the heat because i can't show off my arms, because of scars! Bloody hell.

I need to be sexy for S. So he'll want me.

Tomorrow MUST be a fresh start...

Here we go again!

Astra x

I Don't Know What To Do

I'm not sure where to begin...

I guess i'll start from the other day,

I went to see my friend B, the one who has feelings for me...

We met up, and went down in this woody area round where he lives, and did some pot, which was nice, seeing as i needed to relax! And then we got talking....well..he did...

He kept saying how he still has very strong feelings for me, and he would always be here for me if i wanted him. He kept saying how S is treating me like shit lately..which he is, but i'll go into that in a minute...we ended up going back to his to watch a film, and laid down and cuddled for a while, he kept kissing me on the head, all the while S was txting me being horrible..B said i shouldn't have to deal with this, the way i am right now, because i don't have anybody to lean on, S leans on me for everything...but i can't be his rock because i can't even support myself let alone him too...

It was so nice to just cuddle, and having someone to rant to about MY problems for once, he actually listened to me, which is what i need right now, B would do literally anything for me..he cares about me a lot, he puts me first...but yet i can't feel anything for him =/

I don't get it....he expresses so many feelings for me, but i can't reciprocate...

He would truely be everything i need, but there is just nothing there...or at least i don't think so..because i'm not letting myself feel anything? Because i'm so loyal, even when we were cuddling i felt like i was cheating...but i wasn't...was i?

So now i move into S...

His depression is getting worse, and so is his paranoia, for example, i'm supposed to be going out tomorrow night, and ever since i told him, a few days ago, all i'm getting is abuse hurled at me, like, " Oh you might as well fuck off now then because your only going to cheat, why don't you just get it over with now" etc etc.....

For days, this is all i've gotten!

And just yesterday he told me he was in a mood with me and didn't want to talk to me anymore because he doesn't want me going out!

And then ended up adding girls on fb just to get back at me.

He is pushing me away, slowly but surely...

He is leaning on me fully, for emotional support, but i can't lean on him...

I can't even help myself at the moment so how am i supposed to help him?

I just want to feel loved and wanted, not a doormat and a leaning post.

I love him so much...i couldn't break up with him, i wouldn't be able to cope...but i can't carry on supporting him like this, i have no one i can rant off too, except B.

I've told S i can't keep doing this but he takes no notice of me

I just don't know what to do anymore...

What do i do???

I need to be happy..i need a strong BF who can support me for once.

I an feel myself slipping again

Astra x

Weight Of The World

Dear beauties,

So blogger is letting me comment again...something to do with cookies??

I feel like shit still...

I've fallen out with my friend B because he is besotted with me( if you remember from a previous post?)...but i'm with S and he doesn't like that..so we aren't talking...because i apparently lead him on?? Even though i did nothing of the kind!

S is messing me about too, he keeps changing his mind about if he can come up to see me or not, because of money, which then builds up my hopes, which sends me on a high...then changes his mind too, oh sorry i can't come up after all...which sends me on a right downer..his changed his mind about 5 times now...i can't be doing with this shit!!!

I got a letter from my psychiatrist today, saying i won't be seeing her anymore, and i have been transferred to someone else...probabaly someone from another country who doesn't understand a word of English, like last time.And apparently, " My condition is still too complex for psychotherapy" Gah. Oh the joys of being complicated!! Plus i wont be getting an appointment for another 6-8 weeks!! In the meantime i'm feeling like shit.

I feel dead inside.

I'm eating like a monster.

The other day i was going to top myself...i went out to see my dad's grave, and sat speaking to him for ages...telling him i was going to see him soon and shit...i wasn't going to go home..i was going to get the bus to where my "place of death" is..and just lay on some railway tracks...But some other people came along to tend to their grave, and i snapped out of it, and went into panic mode, so i cam straight back home....that's not normal right??

I can switch from one mood to the next, in a matter of seconds, from major high to major low...it's quite ridiculous.

But right now i just feel utterly crap...

My face is full of acne from stress, i can't even be bothered to have a bath, i have no motivation at all, i feel like the living dead. Literally.

I'm meant to be going out with my grandparents tomorrow to plant new flowers on my dad's grave...i have no motivation for that either...i know that sounds awful.

I just want to scream!!!

I'm so tired, but yet i can't sleep, i feel like i have a huge hangover, i ache all over and feel so sick :(

Maybe i'll feel better tomorrow...i hope so...

Astra x

Blogger Is A Cunt.

I'm in the foulest mood ever.

And on top of this, blogger is now not letting me comment on anyones posts!

Fucking great.

PLus my face is burning hot red down to a new exfoliating thing i've been using

I'm ugly

I'm fat

And i'm useless...this is all

I still love you though

Do It For You!

This is a fresh start.

I'm sick of looking pregnant because of my fat, i'm tired of crying.

I throwing myself to ana.

I need to be thin.

I don't want to be fat anymore.

I will be thin.

I will workout.

I will restrict.

I will not binge.

Do it for the stares, do it for the smiles, do it for YOU.

Tomorrow:

Coffee coffee coffee!!

Thats all.

Coffee and water are now my best friends.

I CAN DO THIS.

I WILL BE PERFECT.

Just Need Peace, Some Solace?

So today i just feel  like crap.

Even retail therapy didn't make a difference, it just made a bigger hole in my pocket.

Now i'm more broke!

I just want peace. I want peace from my mind and my thoughts, my mind is just racing all the time, it won't stop.

I can feel myself getting sucked into depression again, into the darkness.

It's like a big pool of black tar, sucking me deeper and deeper.

I feel like i'm dying slowly again...i haven't felt these feelings for so long, now they have made a return. I feel like bit by bit the depression is eating me from the inside out.

It's mentally killing me.

I feel like taking a bunch of pills to just make me sleep.

My OCD behaviours are getting worse too, i can't even physically relax anymore.

I'm constantly doing things over and over about 5 times or more.

There's no escape from this.

I'm my own worst enemy.

I just want someone to take this away, i feel like i'm suffocating.

I feel so alone in all of this, no matter how many people surround me, i feel so so alone.

The voices tell me i'm alone, no one cares, to kill myself, over and over.

I'm sick of feeling.

Someone put me out of my misery??????