Dear beauties,
Sorry i've not blogged in so long....tbh with you, i've been too ashamed and un-motivated...
I tried to kill myself again...with no luck...
The need to die is growing again, and for the last week or so, i haven't wanted to face the world at all, i just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep. Which is what i've been doing a lot lately..sleeping.
Me and S are back on track i think, we had a lovely weekend..and hopefully going out for his mates birthday next weekend.
I love him so much, it hurts. I really don't deserve him.
Ana has also been bugging me lately...
I can't control my eating at all, as soon as i'm hungry, i'll eat! And i can't stop.
I know i've put on weight, i'm like a balloon. I must weigh now..about 100lbs. or so? Maybe less. What happened to 90lbs!!??
I want 90lbs back please!!!!!!
I keep saying i'll try tomorrow, tomorrow is another day...but it's no different. It's all the same. That little voice in the back of my head telling me i'm fat, telling me to put the chocolate down. But i can't, and the voices are getting worse.
I don't don't want to personify anorexia..but it is like a person telling me not to eat and i'm fat etc. I know i've gained from my thighs...they almost touch now! I look disgusting. I want my ribs, my collarbones, my flat stomach back. NOW.
All i've been feeling lately is guilt, sadness and suicidal. I'm ashamed to be me.
I picked up my portfolio from college the other day. A whole years work, a big fat folder of words..and for what?? To be sat here now, with no job, to prospects and a bi-polar mind.
S keeps telling me i need a job. But i simply can't. I can't handle my life even now, and i'm not even doing anything!
Oh yeah..and my computer is broken!! It wont let me on any thinspo sites, or other sites to feel inspirational, or like i'm not alone...so now i feel even worse!! NO THINSPO!!
So i have to get this fixed!!! But i'm worried if it does get fixed, the people who do it might find this blog?!..And all my secret pictures.
Who knows?
It's summer now anyway..i NEED to get thin for summer. I need a beach body, not a beached whale body.
I'm also sweltering in the heat because i can't show off my arms, because of scars! Bloody hell.
I need to be sexy for S. So he'll want me.
Tomorrow MUST be a fresh start...
Here we go again!
Astra x
I'm glad you and S are getting along better. Please don't give into the thoughts of suicide, then we would all miss you and won't be able to read your blog. I believe tomorrow will be a fresh start. I have scars on my arms too, but I don't give a shit. It's who you are sweetie. Stay strong, please.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Please don't give up. You can get through this, 100 lbs isn't too bad at all, by summer you'll easily be able to get down to your goal weight. I'm glad to hear you and S are okay. Please don't hurt yourself or anything. You're strong, you can do this.
ReplyDeleteOh lovely girl I just wish I could hug you. I wish I could make this easier for you. I wish I could take the pain right away. But please hold on. Please fight it. Please look after yourself. You are loved x x
ReplyDeleteI have scars on my arms too, but they are old now. I don't cover them, there's not much you can do.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm worried about that if my computer needs fixing!
Good luck tomorrow :)
Alice xx
I don't bother covering my scars. The people who matter won't care or think about me differently and those who care don't matter. I'd rather be comfortable than not. Just something to think about.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are feeling so down lately. Have you tried getting more sun outside, especially now since it's warming up. Sometimes that really helps me.
100lbs isn't fat at all. I want to be 100 lbs
ReplyDeleteplease dont try again
ReplyDeletering/text/email me
i cnt cope if you go
:(
i love you
xx
please text me when u get this i really need to tlk to u :'(
DeleteI'm 138 pounds lol!!! My thighs totally touch and I can't fit into my old jeans. Yah I need to lose a little weight but not alot, as long as I'm healthy my goal is 120 or 115. Would you call me a fat cow to my face and say I'm disgusting and a whale? If you wouldn't say it to a complete stranger than why would you say it to yourself? Give yourself at least the respect you give to others or more. You have to stay positive, you keep trashing yourself and that's why your unhappy with your body image. Until you gain confidence and lose your insecurities you will never be satisfied. I wish you all the best :) keep your chin up your beautiful inside and out! But you shouldn't need to hear that from us, start to believe it and tell yourself that.
ReplyDelete