If I Eat Anything, I'll Eat Everything, So I Eat Nothing.

Hello ladies,

Sorry i've been absent for so long again...things have been very up and down for the last few weeks...the other day i found out my cousin is bi-polar too! So it does run in the family...thats 2 cousins now! ...And one if my good friends may have it too....

Everyone is bi-polar WTF!!?

So S has finished college now...which brings me to my first problem.

I can no longer check up on him because for the next 3 weeks we can't see eachother and fuck knows what he'll be up to now his finished college...and why aren't we seeing eachother for 3 weeks? MONEY. AGAIN. Convenient?

I'm just paranoid his got some new girl now...his been ignoring my texts all day...i'm convinced his cheating. I tried to go down his laptop last week..and almost got caught...oops.

I only went down it because we had a massive row..over nothing, he left his house and left me alone. Then i had a MASSIVE episode. Alone. I went through his cupboards, draws, everything to find any scrap of evidence. None. So then i went through his food cupboards, where his mum conveniently keeps all the pills and medication...and was going to take the lot. I got myself into a right state, i was sobbing all over the place,  hearing voices, hallucinating, all alone, in a place i didn't know. The only thing hat stopped me from taking the pills was that i didn't want his mum coming home finding me dead. I contemplated ringing a helpline...but didn't because all i would do was cry. So instead of downing the pills, i went to sleep on the sofa til his mum returned..and then just pretended i didn't feel well to cover up why i was crying.

And since that day, my suicidal thoughts, and emotions haven't budged.

I haven't taken my pills in nearly a week...and i'm already this low...the voices told me not to take them, so i stopped. I hate feeling so numb, with the occasional feeling of emptiness. But right now...i feel worse than rock bottom. And i know your all going to tell me to take my pills, because i'm only making things worse...but i can't. I hate the voices. I know i'm bringing these feelings on of paranoia, suicide, self harm and shit on myself....but i simply can't take them. I don't expect anyone to understand..because i don't really understand either...

I just know that if i start taking them, i will feel weak and pathetic. I hate myself enough as it is...

Each day is just getting harder and harder to live with.

I'm thinking of just plain starving myself from tomorrow onward. I'm not seeing S anyway, so he'll never know. Not that he'd care. He never cares. His probably cheated anyway. I'm a mess, ugly, acne faced and icky.

You know...out of all my friends that i see, i think only one, out of them all actually understands me, one girl who is my rock, and who i love dearly. I wont say who she is, because if she reads this, she'll know. She's the one thing keeping me going. And of course you girls. But over the past few months she's become one of my best friends. I honestly couldn't live without her. And i promised her i wouldn't kill myself..and i have to keep that promise..as hard as this is, i have to, for her. We made a pact, we wont leave eachother. 

But i just don't know how long i can go on for...

I can't live like this much more, this isn't a life, this is just plain existing.

I'm meant to go to a foam party Sunday....i don't know if i should go or not...i don't know if i can hold on that long without cutting.

I need dieting tips, please.

Astra x