Well That Didn't Last Long!

Dear lovelies,

Well, my self loathing has returned!

I want a flat stomach again!! I'm sick of these curves!! I want to see ribs!!!

So....next week i'm investing in some good ol' laxatives.

Hopefully they'll help get my flat stomach back!

Anyway.....

I went to see my new psychiatrist today, ( He was Chinese) So tbh....i couldn't really understand what he was saying!! Ooops. So...i went through the whole routine, of how are you feeling etc... and told him i have't self harmed in a month, how i'm not feeling so suicidal anymore, how i've put on weight etc....then went through all the bad bits....like...how i still hate myself, how i did try to kill myself last month through OD. How i still get severly depressed etc, then high....blah blah blah....

Until he came to the conclusion....i need the maximum dosage of  the pills i'm on.

Thats 150mg! Double what i'm on now.

I'm gna be a walking zombie!! I already get really tired from what i'm on now, if i up the dosage, i'm going to be falling asleep all over the place! But hey ho!

I'm seeing S tomorrow, hopefully it'll go well...i'm going back to his at the weekend, so you'll hear about my adventures on Monday! haha.

Shopping spree tomorrow too!! YAY!!

Astra x

(Sorry for this boring post!)

Confusion And Worry

Hello my beauties,

Doesn't that picture say what we are all thinking?

There is no life outside this illness.

I'm for one, trying my best these days to think positive about things, about my weight, looks and emotions, just an overall better outlook on life.

Although it's proving pretty hard.

I think i'm winning with my weight, i can now see the curves, not the fat. I can see boobs!! Not fat thighs. So i'm trying my best.

I still think i'm ugly, but i'm learning to deal with it...if i can?

God gave me this body...so i have to live with it.

I have acne..it will go, i'm flat chested, who said you need boobs to be sexy? I'm short, but i don't want to be tall, I'm pale, but i kinda  like the vampire look, I'm not your typical sexy girl, but who wants to be in your face sexy anyway? It leave nothing to the imagination.

I'm me. A unique individual.
Although i still find myself on tumblr looking at thousands of beautiful girls.

Things with S are....confusing?

I thought i wanted to be with him again...i thought i could forgive him.

Then we got into another argument....and said

" Just coz i cheated doesn't mean you can treat me like shit"

I don't. I treat him with more respect then he should get right now.

So...we argued.

And it made me re-think things again.

B is being amazing.

Which makes me think things over AGAIN.

I dunno what to do...

S should be making an effort...and his not, he's just acting as though nothing has happened and thinks he can get away with talking and treating me the same.

For example...

Yesterday, he txt me saying i couldn't stay over his this weekend, because his mum wouldn't let me. So i said, just come up for the day then to see me, and he responded with, oh, fuck that. I'm not doing that!

THANKS.

So...that made me feel shit.

In the end, it turned out i could stay over. At his dad's. Maybe?

I just dunno what to do right now. I need to be happy...i just don't know if that happiness lies with him...

Oh yeah! And i got a new tattoo :) It's a flower fairy sitting on pretty flowers, all pink and stuff :) ( No, i'm not normally girly! I just love fairies)
On my ribs...which just as a pre-warning......NEVER GET THEM ON YOUR RIBS!! IT FOOKING KILLS!!

Astra x

Oh Dear Life....

Hello my loves,

Well, me and S are getting along fine now! I'm a lot happier now that its all out in the open :)

I just have to persuade my mum to give him another chance now...so that'll take months before his even allowed in the house!! Fuck sake.

I told B...kind of...whats going on, i just said that me and S are now talking, and have been open about things and i'm having a "cooling down period" for a bit!...so it is the truth...kind of. I just don't want to hurt his feelings...his like..my rock. My mum asked me a question earlier though...because she said, " are you sure you don't have feelings for him?" And i was like no. But then she said, " so what would you do if he found a gf?" 

And i thought about it...i would feel really upset.  What does that mean? Do i have feelings there? Or is it just because i want him all to myself?

So, i went to the doctors yesterday, they wanted to weigh me....i officially weigh..............

7st 1lbs. Thats, 99lbs to you and me.

And i kinda like being this weight...my boobs are bigger and i'm a little curvy...never thought id hear myself say those words!! " I like being bigger" I wonder how long this mood will last before i'm restricting again!? I think it's the pills, they have put me in a good mood. And the fact i bought sexy pants today! Haha.

I also had my first berievment counselling today....that was pretty shite.

I just sat there talking about things i didn't want to talk about...along with awkward silences of me just staring at the wall. I don't know if i'll carry on with this...it just seems a waste of time, waiting all this time for it, and then i find it doesn't work! So i'm giving it one more session, if i don't like it still, then i'll stop. I've never gotten along with counselling before. I've just never liked it, this blog is where i can rant :) Your all like my counsellors :)

So apart from that, my life is pretty boring!

Same ol' shit!!

I'm still waiting for my computer to be fixed! Until then i have a temp one :) And good news is! I can look at thinspo again!! I found a way to get on the sites, through a proxy? Or something..it's like a site, that connects to other sites? Because my wireless won't let me view the sites directly....damn thing.

I have absolutely nothing planned for this week...i'm a boring fart. I'm just trying to save money!! Me and S are going down to a shopping mall soon, so i want to save up for a shopping spree!

Anyway...enough of the rambling....i hope all you girls are doing ok!!

I love you all

Astra x

Your Going To Think I'm Stupid.....

But i've given S another chance.....

I had it out with him in a calm adult conversation, and he admitted it to me. He kept going on for hours about how stupid he had been and how sorry he was and how much he loved me, he was weak and pathetic etc...

So i told him straight. If he does this again, it over for good. I told him bluntly what i thought about him, and how he needs to treat me in future..and he agreed. His deleted the whore from his phone, Fb and twitter, and told her never to contact him again. But i said, if i ever see her, or she contacts him, i'll knock the shit into her.

So....now i have to tell B....that wont go down well...i think he thinks that while i told him about S..he thinks his in for a chance....so i have to break it slowly to him...I really don't want to lose him...

And i think i've lost my best friend too....

So if your reading this, i love you xxxxx

Astra x

It's All Lies And Deceit

Hello beauties,

I was right....S has been cheating..with a 17 year old!!! Fucking sick cunt.

I hacked his FB, and saw all the messages, slagging me off and them talking about how good he was and shit.

Apparently im an attention seeker, and i don't have bi-polar!

CUNT.

I'm not sure what to do right now...dump him there and then? Or string him along and get my revenge? I'm completly numb to it right now, i can't seem to feel any emotion at all....

Over a years worth of relationship, gone down the plug hole.

B has been there for me throughout and knows everything....B is the one who has feelings for me :)

He's amazing, he really is.

Maybe God set out to break me and S up because he was doing me no good, and maybe is pushing me towards B because he knows his good for me??

Everything happens for a reason right? Fuck knows.

I just can't believe his done it....after everything he knew about me, after all the shit he knows i'm going through....

He keeps trying to txt me, i'm ignoring him for now til i figure out what to do.

My best friend is coming over tomorrow to see me, so i will have a long chat with her, i need a girls opinion...

I just can't believe he could do this to me...after everything we have been through...sleeping with someone else and slagging me off....

Astra x

If I Eat Anything, I'll Eat Everything, So I Eat Nothing.

Hello ladies,

Sorry i've been absent for so long again...things have been very up and down for the last few weeks...the other day i found out my cousin is bi-polar too! So it does run in the family...thats 2 cousins now! ...And one if my good friends may have it too....

Everyone is bi-polar WTF!!?

So S has finished college now...which brings me to my first problem.

I can no longer check up on him because for the next 3 weeks we can't see eachother and fuck knows what he'll be up to now his finished college...and why aren't we seeing eachother for 3 weeks? MONEY. AGAIN. Convenient?

I'm just paranoid his got some new girl now...his been ignoring my texts all day...i'm convinced his cheating. I tried to go down his laptop last week..and almost got caught...oops.

I only went down it because we had a massive row..over nothing, he left his house and left me alone. Then i had a MASSIVE episode. Alone. I went through his cupboards, draws, everything to find any scrap of evidence. None. So then i went through his food cupboards, where his mum conveniently keeps all the pills and medication...and was going to take the lot. I got myself into a right state, i was sobbing all over the place,  hearing voices, hallucinating, all alone, in a place i didn't know. The only thing hat stopped me from taking the pills was that i didn't want his mum coming home finding me dead. I contemplated ringing a helpline...but didn't because all i would do was cry. So instead of downing the pills, i went to sleep on the sofa til his mum returned..and then just pretended i didn't feel well to cover up why i was crying.

And since that day, my suicidal thoughts, and emotions haven't budged.

I haven't taken my pills in nearly a week...and i'm already this low...the voices told me not to take them, so i stopped. I hate feeling so numb, with the occasional feeling of emptiness. But right now...i feel worse than rock bottom. And i know your all going to tell me to take my pills, because i'm only making things worse...but i can't. I hate the voices. I know i'm bringing these feelings on of paranoia, suicide, self harm and shit on myself....but i simply can't take them. I don't expect anyone to understand..because i don't really understand either...

I just know that if i start taking them, i will feel weak and pathetic. I hate myself enough as it is...

Each day is just getting harder and harder to live with.

I'm thinking of just plain starving myself from tomorrow onward. I'm not seeing S anyway, so he'll never know. Not that he'd care. He never cares. His probably cheated anyway. I'm a mess, ugly, acne faced and icky.

You know...out of all my friends that i see, i think only one, out of them all actually understands me, one girl who is my rock, and who i love dearly. I wont say who she is, because if she reads this, she'll know. She's the one thing keeping me going. And of course you girls. But over the past few months she's become one of my best friends. I honestly couldn't live without her. And i promised her i wouldn't kill myself..and i have to keep that promise..as hard as this is, i have to, for her. We made a pact, we wont leave eachother. 

But i just don't know how long i can go on for...

I can't live like this much more, this isn't a life, this is just plain existing.

I'm meant to go to a foam party Sunday....i don't know if i should go or not...i don't know if i can hold on that long without cutting.

I need dieting tips, please.

Astra x