Insecurity.

My loves,

So...i found out that she is STILL going on about S despite my threats with the police.

I'm trying to not let it get to me too much...because i'm meant to be staying at S's for 2 weeks to get away...so 2 weeks of insecurity wont help.

I need to be stress free for once.

NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

Saw B the other day, we had a chat about things, he's got his own flat now, so i can pop over whenever i like, haha. I'll take advantage of that i think! He makes me feel less stressed.

Hopefully these 2 weeks away will help me a  little...but thing is, i'll be alone in the house all day for a few days a week because S got his new job..which is like a 2 hour drive away...

This is what worries me...after the 2 weeks are up..when will i fit into his schedule?

Erghh....must stop stressing!!!

My skin has broken out in acne again...really really badly.......this will help my self esteem! 

NOT.

I feel so ugly =/

I hate looking in the mirror....

One good thing about being away is that i wont have to eat much :)

FLAT STOMACH!!!!!

I've been gorging on everything since they upped my pills again...it really effects my appetite!! I'm trying to drink water instead of binging...not really working...

So yeah....thats my life so far this week...boring as hell because i barely get out anymore again...

Depression is kicking my ass. Badly.

Fuck the world.

Fuck my depressing life.

And fuck you depression!!!!!

See you in 2 weeks ( Maybe)

Astra x

I Don't Know How I'm Still Alive...I Really Don't.

So...here i am again.

The cunt got to me again...i ended up punching my walls so hard my fists bled and puffed up so bad with bruising. Thats what you get for punching walls full pelt.

Basically...she posted on her blog ( Which yes, i stalk because i'm paranoid) how i'm a stupid slut, how S cares more for her than me, how he slagged me off to her and how i'm a terrible gf. And how HE LOVED FUCKING HER.

Fucking CUNT.

She posted all that for me to see!!!!!

All about me and him. About him loving fucking her???? And how she could probably do it again.

WTF.

So me and S ended up in an argument about it and he blamed me for looking on her blog. So i made up a little story....i told him the police came round and got a written statement off me and i out in a formal complaint. But i didn't...it was just to shake him up a bit....

In reality i just messaged her saying if she does this again i WILL involve the police. It's harassment.

But why must she keep dragging it up? It's been 2 months now LET IT DROP. She's fucking obsessed. I swear! 

She is trying to break me and S up because we are ignoring her and her stupid childish ways. But it wont work. IT WONT. I'll make it not work.

It's put me in the worst depressive state i have been in a while...not my normal depressed state...but a state where i feel completely numb and emotionless and lost and scared and alone. Completely alone.

This will never end.

I told the doctor today i feel in a never ending cycle. I want this to end! I want it to be like a physical illness, wher they can give you a time limit where the pain will end...but there is no time limit on this...it just keeps dragging on and on.....

They have diagnosed me with Dysthymia disorder too...because the depression has dragged on so long. The numbness that i feel is that apparently, on top of my other depression.

The upped my pills AGAIN. Because i had another "episode",i hallucinated in my bedroom and saw things in my room...like shadows of people and shit...

So thats been my day...another day in misery.

Id rather be dead than this.
Then i wouldn't have to put up with this draining misery.
Suicidal thoughts returning....

Astra x

I'm Back...Again!

Hello my dear beauties,

I haven't blogged in a while because quite honestly, nothing has changed, i'm still living everyday in complete and utter misery. i still feel suicidal from time to time, i still hear things,i still hate myself, i sstill think i'm the ugliest thing in the entire world, i still hate my body, i still just as depressed as before.

I had a complete break down on S's birthday...we went out for a meal with his family...i started to feel panicy all of a sudden( I know wy, because i thought S had looked down my phone and seen the txts from B and taken them the wrong way)..all through the meal i thought people were laughing at me, staring at me. This lasted for an hour...until S drove back to his, and i suddenly felt like the whole world was going to fall on me, i burst out crying, sobbing in his car...hyperventilating. And you know what  he did? Ignored me. Because he couldn't handle me. When we got back to his, i just ran upstairs to his room and sobbed. I had left my pills in his room and just kept staring at them, as though in a trance, contemplating taking them and running out the house to die. Fortunately S came in his room before i had the chance..and we argued like hell. I just kept screaming at him to take notice, to cuddle me and comfort me...and his excuse was " He couldn't handle me like this"...and then i ended up bringing the cheating thing back up...then we argued some more...screaming at eachother....i told him i still feel the pain, the anger, the heart ache that he caused. He told me to hit him..but i didn't...i couldn't bring myself too. We ended the argument and ended up hugging on the bed...when he started crying. It turned out ok in the end..once everything was out. Didn't help i was still in a suicidal mood ad kept going on about how life is shit and how we should just go away some where, where no one could find us. And went on about how no body cares about us and shit...i think i scared him with my insane ramblings.

I still don't see my future...this bi-polar shitty depressed thing has dragged on for so so long now...i feel it's never going to end. I can't see the light at the end of my tunnel. I mean, i'm still feeling suicidal, i still contemplate overdosing. Thats not normal is it?

In other news...i'm seeing my friends more..or at least trying...i feel like i'm getting left behind...everyone is either moving out, having babies, or getting a job. And i'm not doing any of those things. I'm stuck in a child like state of mind. Living at home. I'm beginning to like going out with my friends now a little rather than it feeling like a chore to even step out of the house.

I'm also trying to be good with my money, saved £360 so far..i dunno what that is in dollars, sorry. So at least i am saving for some sort of future.

I hope you are all well, i love you guys so much

Astra x