Oh Me....Who Are You Now?

Hello my beautiful people,

Well today was interesting.....

Had my blood tests done, i can't stand watching the needle go into my skin, but i liked watching the blood come out...weird? Haha.

Then had a fucking massive ham and cheese sandwich............

I know. I'm a fucking failure.

Then took my trip to the mental hospital.....I laugh when i call it that...

Anyway...saw the psychiatrist...and told her nearly everything, i was so close to telling her about my food issues and eating habits...you know why?

Because she's so onto me...she kept on about how much i eat, do i purge, do i restrict, how much i weigh, my BMI...etc....i sort of stared into a space for a second contemplating the consequences of telling her how i really feel..and in the end decided not to say anything.

I smiled and carried on about other things.

I told her the voices in my head are back..how i can't sleep anymore again and suicidal thoughts are beyond what i can control.

The outcome???

MORE PILLS.

I'm so confused to what i have to take and when now. There are so many.....

These new pills are for my anxiety, sleep and voices in my head. And they have side effects.....

Want to guess what they are??????..............................

WEIGHT GAIN.

FUCK.MY.LIFE.

She asked me if that bothered me, so i obviously said no, not at all.....but really i was screaming in my head.

So now i have to wait for another appointment in January.

I'm so suicidal it's ridiculous....

And to top it off....i'm confused about who i want again....S or C......C is being so much more caring than S...but i love S.....So i'm trying to play it cool with both..when i say "cool" it's not really...i can't help but be affectionate. And C keeps on about how i feel about him..i don't know!!! Fuck. Stop asking :(

I don't even know who i am anymore, let alone feelings!

Astra x

Times Heals Nothing

Beauties,

Thankyou so much for all your support.

I love you all.

I still feel the same..numb and out of control

And to top it off, the voices in my head are back. It's just one thing after another....

Blood tests at 9am and then seeing the psychiatrist at 4pm...OH THE JOY.

I'm dreading it......

I hate every aspect of my life at the moment.

The feeling of death is back, at the front of my mind. Like one huge big black cloud. I can feel it telling me to die.

This is so draining...physically.

All i feel like is sleeping!

I'm sorry my posts have been depressing lately...but this blog is my only outlet..apart from my diary..but thats pretty much full now, of self hate and horrible thoughts and feelings.

I love you all

Astra x

At The End Of My Tether

I really feel like giving up.

The pills are ready, i've had enough. I simply can't keep feeling like this anymore.

I'm tired. So tired.

I feel insanity creeping in every minute.

I've eaten far too much today. My stomach is bloated and big and ugly.

All i want is to feel beautiful and gorgeous.

To be able to look in the mirror and say, yeah, maybe i do look hot today.

I crave to do that so much. But my mind and body won't let me, it just keeps failing on me.  I give up with people at the moment. S can't be bothered to even text me anymore. I've had it. I can't even cut because on Wednesday i'm going for blood tests....and if they see my arms then they are going to say or do something...i think i'm beyond help.

I'm playing around with my pills already, taking bigger doses each night to see the effect. Usually it's just feeling really sick and dizzy and massive headaches.

I want to be loved so badly..just to be held. I feel like i'm leading S and C on beause they don't know i'm talking to one another, but i cling onto them both to feel love....

I'm a disaster of a human being and i'm simply not worth being here.

I'm not looking for comfort here, by saying this...it's just how i feel....

I could rant forever.

UGLY UGLY UGLY. BITCH BITCH BITCH.

I HATE YOU.

Thats what my mind is telling me. The voices in my head are starting to come back again.

I'm just one huge fuckup. I shouldn't be walking this planet. I should of been aborted or been a miscarriage or something. I'm not worthy.

Why aren't the pills working AGAIN??????????

This is the 5th different type i've been on, and on the high dosage.

It's like my body doesn't want to get better. It wants to just give up and die.

Yay For Text Buddys :)

Hello beautiful girls,

Text buddys are so great <3

I wish i could have you all! But my phone doesn't let me txt people from other countries and continents :(

So anyone in the UK who wishes to be a "text buddy" haha. Lemme know :)

And i'm sorry if i don't comment on your blogs!!! Blogger is being an asshole. It's not showing up everyones blogs for some reason...... :@

Today was productive...did some gardening in sub zero temperatures...i know...i'm crazy!!!

But the cold suppresses hunger :D

Then...i came indoors and GORGED.

Well over 1000 cals for today..... i was doing so well... =/

I feel a fucking disappointment.

Not an inspiration at all....

I love you girls, i really do. Each and every, one.

Astra x

All Time Low

Oh my dear beauty's,

I think i've hit an all time low.

Nothing seems worth it anymore, i'm so tired all the time, i don't even know why, even typing is a chore.

My mum said i look "stick thin" and pale...i'm always pale! And i've noticed lately how bad my circulation is, my feet today were purple and ice cold haha. God knows why.

My mum says it's lack of nutrients....

Who cares....

I ordered a book on amazon today, "And i don't want to live this life" It's about Nancy Spungen, you know? Sid Vicious's girlfriend. I always seem so interested in mucked up people..she had schizophrenia and depression...so could be an interesting read!

I like reading about mucked up people..makes me feel less alone.

I'm scared....i feel so alone.

I barely talk to any of my friends anymore..i'm losing them.

I had such a good life before all this.....

Maybe its karma?

Did i do something wrong??...probably.

I find myself these days, in just a daze. Even commenting on your lovely blogs, i'm writing...but i feel it is of no use to any of you, because my mind is so numb.

I feel like a ghost, slowly disappearing.....

Astra x

I Have No Idea Where I'm At....

Oh my beautiful girls,

I'm so confused about everything all over again. S and C.

I saw C today, we chatted and hugged for a bit..but it was so cold out, i really didn't want to be out doors anymore :(

I'm so confused.....

Last night S text me going " What are your ambitions in life? What do you want to happen in your future? Because i don't think we want the same things"

As if my life isn't shit enough as it is? He thinks i have no ambitions and shit? Because now his at college, he has the upper hand in life? Well buddy! I went to college for 3 years!! And passed my course. I wanted to scream. I lied and told him what i wanted for my "future" When really, i don't want anything, because i feel so shit, all i want for a future is death. All i do is cut or binge or starve. So no S, No i don't want a future. Happy?

Course i didn't say that....but i felt like it.

We don't want the same things? Could of fucking told me before. My lies are what he wants to hear, so i fed them to him.

" I want kids, to move out and live with you, to live my life to the full, to have a career in what i trained for"....

FUCK OFF. I don't want any of that right now. Ever since i told him my true feelings and emotions, his been acting like this, or just not talking to me full stop. He probably thinks i'm a freak, a psycho just like everyone else. Because i see things "differently" from most people.

I cut myself deeper everyday, to feel "better", "normal" able to function

I starve to feel my empty stomach, churning with hunger pangs.

I binge to make myself feel shit, because i deserve it.

I don't see a bright happy future like he does, i see NOTHING. Nothing but pain and suffering.

And i have to lie to him to make him think i'm "normal"

And then after treating me like this, he then texts me out of the blue, saying " i love you baby" WTF??

On  a happier note. While i was out with C today, i over heard some girls talking about me, i didn't know them, but they kept staring....and then one said

"Look, that girl is like a stick, id love to be like that"

RESULT.

Did OK for food today, couple of weetabix, a pasta pot and some sausages and chicken. Seems a lot, but i worked it off, and ate slow.

Is there ever going to be an end to this?

Hiding S and C from eachother, this never ending depression, hating and loathing, complete confusion, suicide, self harm?

Over the last few days, i feel completely out of control.

Also, does anyone live in the UK?? Text buddy needed, please

Astra x

Fuckity Fuck Fuck.

I just need to babble on about how shit i feel right now.

So don't feel you HAVE TO read this...i just have to get this out.

I feel so so so shit right now. Everything feels like it's caving in. The light is fading. And no one can hear my screams. I'm deafening myself with my cries.

But still no one can help me. I feel trapped in my body, trapped in this world. In a tiny cage with no escape. And slowly that cage is getting smaller. I'm suffocating.

I want this to end. I NEED this to end.

I'm so drained of feeling ugly, worthless, shitty, depressive, suicidal. I hate my body so so much. And whatever i do, nothing changes. Everyday is a battle. A fake smile or a laugh.

I'm FAKE. I'm ALL FAKE.

You know what i did the other night?

I scribbled in my diary.

Dear God,

Please do not let me wake up tomorrow.

I want to DIE.

And smeared my blood all over the page.

Is that normal??? 

No. It's not, to be blunt, it's sick and disgusting.

I'm sick and disgusting.

UGLY WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT.

I have no purpose on this earth anymore. I can't do, or something would of changed by now. I'm tired of feeling paranoid and panicy. I hate my life. I can't wake up feeling like this anymore. Its driving me insane. The only peace i get is when i sleep. But i can't sleep forever. Until i'm dead and buried. That's why i crave death so badly? Because its peace. Peace from this sick twisted cruel crap world. I see no way out. Other than death. Even self harm doesn't do much for me anymore, unless i go really deep. I see no future, all i see is blackness. I'm scared about my life, scared to walk out the door.
I can't trust anybody i know, not even myself because of my erratic mind!
I hold no hope anymore.
Everything good walks away. Leaves forever.

Back! ( Long Post)

Hello beautiful people,

Well, i'm back!......finally! Ended up staying longer than planned because at the moment our house is a wreck, as we are having our kitchen and bathroom completely re-done. I HATE the mess. Makes my anxiety go up. Is that weird?? I just HAVE to have a tidy house, so i've spent all day cleaning what i can, before they come back and make more mess.

So the stay at S's was......a strange one?

The first week was fine...we got on well, was intimate and blah blah, snuggles and such. And i was fine while i was left at his while he went to college. And then....i had a MAJOR slip up...my mood just plummeted. We were watching TV and then i just said i was tired so i was going to bed...ran up the stairs and just sobbed into his pillow. I was feeling suicidal, depressed, fat, and a mess. I cannot stand people ANYONE for that matter seeing me cry...i just feel weak and pathetic. And then he heard me...I tried to do the whole " pretend i'm asleep" routine. But he sat on the bed and hugged me. He knew i was awake. I didn't want to tell him about anything...because so far for the last few months i've kept him in the dark about things in fear that it will frighten him away. But as you do when you have a weak moment...you pour your heart out. And now he knows everything. The cutting, the suicidal tendancies, the OD

FUCK.

He told me i was silly, he said it would be OK, he said he wouldn't walk away. But what i had just told him, scared him. He told me i should go home....so i practically begged him not to take me. BRILLIANT. And from the moment i poured my heart out to him, cried in his arms about wanting to die. Things changed. For the next week of me staying, awkward silences, no talking, no intimacy..NOTHING. And even though he told me he still loved me, it stayed like that. So i cut my stay short, as i was going to stay up there longer because of the chaos in my house. I couldn't stand it anymore. He told me he loved me over and over again at my front door, but something had changed. And now i don't know when we are going to next see eachother because he says he is busy with college.......

So word to the wise.

Keep everything a secret. Because i think by telling him everything, i've again ruined my chances....

Fuck telling anyone else.

I miss him so much. I fucking love the boy so much. And i really don't want to.

I've decided to stop taking my last box of sleeping pills, and keep them instead. As a stash. Incase it all gets too much. Like a security blanket.

This is how bad its gotten now.

I hate being home. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT.

It's when my depression hits hard. I've done well with calories today..must of worked them all off due to cleaning like a maniac. It's hard to keep the floor clean though when you have a hamster who insists on throwing her food out of the cage. SCREW YOU!!!

I know i'm going to cut tonight. Because i can't take feeling this shit anymore. I just need to feel pain. It was so tempting to cut at S's...i was just playing with a kitchen knife...but i knew it would be a stupid idea once he had found out...So now i am back home, in my safe haven of depression, and FATNESS. I feel so ugly.

I'm also seeing C tomorrow....god knows why? He already knows everything about me..so i can't scare him off.

I hope you girls have done better than me. I'm going to have a good ol' catch up on all your blogs now

Your my motivation, you girls are. The only people i can talk to without feeling judged.

I also got a copy of a letter my psychiatrist sent to my doctor.....OMG. She's made me sound like a complete PSYCHO, talking about my habits and OD'ing, and cutting and suicidal thoughts, plans and voices in my head. And " i had a childish appearance"???? What's all that about??? She said there is no doubt that i am underweight. But hahahahaha OH WELL!!!

Astra x

Short But Sweet.

Hello beauties,

Short post...because i'm about to watch 3 hours 15 minutes of pure Nirvana on BBC4!! :D

Still feel like shit, but Nirvana should cheer me up.

Calorie intake for today has been so good! Partly because i feel so damn ill.

Also...this maybe my last post for a week..because i think i'm going to stay at S's....good idea or not..i'm not sure.... But if i do go, i  shall talk to you in a week!

I'm dreading him seeing my arm.....i have no way to cover it up....

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I hate having a runny nose.....

I love you,

Astra x

UPDATE: OK..finished watching Nirvana...and the documentary about Kurt's death..god i feel shitty now. All the stuff about him being depressed, shutting of from the world, hating everyone, hating himself, made me think of my dad. Bleh. I don't want to be away from you guys for a week..this is my only out-let. Maybe i'll try to post on his computer? I'm just afraid he will find it ><

By the way, did you know, your all such amazing beautiful wonderful people :) Just thought you would like to know, you give me so much support <3

I Hate Myself And I Want To Die.

If this post doesn't make much sense it's because it's just basically my trail of thoughts i need to blurt out now...everything i'm feeling. So don't feel bad if you can't understand much, i just have to let it out.

Yesterday i felt so happy. Then something happened and my mood plummeted. I'm rock bottom right now as i type this. I cut last night. Lovely great red lines going down my arm. I tried so hard not to give in, and it didn't work. I tried so hard! The voices just wouldn't let me sleep. On and on they kept. Then the blood flowed. And then i couldn't stop. One cut after the other until my entire arm was red from blood, smeared everywhere. The more blood i saw the better i felt, so i kept on. Slapping and punching the cuts to keep the blood flowing. I loved it. I didn't even care my razor was now rusty. Maybe i want blood poisoning. I took too many anti's last night, to feel something. Anything but this. Nothing happened. I also read up that if i did decide to OD on my sedative drugs, it wouldn't kill me unless i mixed them with alcohol. So many thoughts running through my head. I can't talk or tell anyone because the psychiatrist said if anything else happened from now til i next see her she would take further action. So this must stay a secret. My dirty filthy secret. I feel dead inside again. I wrote in my diary that i beg for death.Someone stop this pain. Please God, just kill me. I feel like i'm shutting down to life, shutting myself off from everyone, including myself. I need this to end. I don't want to wake up with this anymore. Hating food. Hating me. Hating everyone, even people i don't even know. I just want to be under the ground. I read my dad's suicide letter last night, because the police let me have a copy. Just read over and over "I love her so much" ( meaning me) over and over. transfixed into those words. I feel lost in this world. I feel trapped inside my own disgusting body. I'm self destructing, slowly. It's all well and good people saying " it'll be OK, your strong" but i'm not anymore, i'm so tired, i'm so weak from this. I find myself just staring at the walls imagining dying. That's NOT NORMAL. I'm tired of life, of living. I wish i had never been born. I'm a waste of a life that someone could be enjoying.

I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE.

40.6KG!!!!!!!!!!

Hello beautiful people,

Well, i had a doctors appointment today ( for my contraceptive injection) and then found out, the nurse wanted to weigh me....i was thinking SHIT. And started to panic....

The numbers on the scales moved about, until they finally stopped.......

40.6KG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats, 89.5lbs!!!!!

I felt elated!!!! No more 90's for me :)

Of course the nurse said, are you ok, you've lost weight, are you eating well..etc..etc

So of course i said yes course! I'm fine.

LIES.

But who cares???

Fucking 89.5!!!!!!! :D

And the way i've managed it?

Eat little bits throughout the day, with a little exercise, it cuts out binging, and your metabolism burns the food off easy :)

Only problem with this weight loss is that my eczema comes back..BAD.

It's sooooooooooooooo freaking itchy and red :(

Not attractive.

And i seem to bruise really easily...i have little ones all over my legs for no reason at all....

I've also finished re-decorating my room! Looks a little naked now though..need to buy some accessories. And i've cleaned my carpet with cleaner so much now to try to get rid of makeup stains, it's literally saturated in the stuff! Oooppss....

Some people when depressed sometimes turn to drink, or drugs..i  turn to cleaning like a maniac!

I get so so frustrated when there is a tiny little stain now.

I have to keep busy though. Can't let my thoughts get hold.

Keep busy. Keep busy.Keep busy!!!!!!

I love you,

Astra x

Woop Woop, Here Comes The Crazy Train.........

Beauty's,

I'm not sure where to begin

I feel just completely numb again, like i don't exist, i was sitting in the bath for ages just staring at the wall, thinking of ways to kill myself...

It's crazy, mad, not right.

I imagined slicing my wrists, and the blood trickling down my hands into the water, dying it crimson red. This can't be normal can it?

I sat at the dinner table staring down at my food, feeling physically sick at the site of it. And threw half of it away.

I've tried so many pills now, and i've got a feeling these ones aren't going to work either. The need to cut is back. The lack of motivation, the self hate, the pulling at the fat on my thighs, the staring down at my stomach and thinking, god, i'm fat. I don't know whats going on anymore. I went out today for some retail therapy, bought a couple of tops ( size 6) which i think is an American size 0? It's all baggy and nice. Made me feel a little happier. Spent a fortune though!

Am i mad?

My room is nearly complete, so thats one job over!

Then i have to go to the doctors tomorrow for my contraceptive injection..and MAYBE blood tests. The psychiatrist wanted me to have them done, not sure why...i'm not sure if i want to have them done to be honest...

I feel like saying FUCK OFF to everything, to life
I'm trying to stay in contact with my friends, so i don't lose them more than i have already, but its so hard when you don't want to actually see anybody, and my eczema is back, wow..that really helps my self esteem, i hate  my body!....

I love you,

Astra x