Oh Me....Who Are You Now?

Hello my beautiful people,

Well today was interesting.....

Had my blood tests done, i can't stand watching the needle go into my skin, but i liked watching the blood come out...weird? Haha.

Then had a fucking massive ham and cheese sandwich............

I know. I'm a fucking failure.

Then took my trip to the mental hospital.....I laugh when i call it that...

Anyway...saw the psychiatrist...and told her nearly everything, i was so close to telling her about my food issues and eating habits...you know why?

Because she's so onto me...she kept on about how much i eat, do i purge, do i restrict, how much i weigh, my BMI...etc....i sort of stared into a space for a second contemplating the consequences of telling her how i really feel..and in the end decided not to say anything.

I smiled and carried on about other things.

I told her the voices in my head are back..how i can't sleep anymore again and suicidal thoughts are beyond what i can control.

The outcome???

MORE PILLS.

I'm so confused to what i have to take and when now. There are so many.....

These new pills are for my anxiety, sleep and voices in my head. And they have side effects.....

Want to guess what they are??????..............................

WEIGHT GAIN.

FUCK.MY.LIFE.

She asked me if that bothered me, so i obviously said no, not at all.....but really i was screaming in my head.

So now i have to wait for another appointment in January.

I'm so suicidal it's ridiculous....

And to top it off....i'm confused about who i want again....S or C......C is being so much more caring than S...but i love S.....So i'm trying to play it cool with both..when i say "cool" it's not really...i can't help but be affectionate. And C keeps on about how i feel about him..i don't know!!! Fuck. Stop asking :(

I don't even know who i am anymore, let alone feelings!

Astra x