I Hate Myself And I Want To Die.

If this post doesn't make much sense it's because it's just basically my trail of thoughts i need to blurt out now...everything i'm feeling. So don't feel bad if you can't understand much, i just have to let it out.

Yesterday i felt so happy. Then something happened and my mood plummeted. I'm rock bottom right now as i type this. I cut last night. Lovely great red lines going down my arm. I tried so hard not to give in, and it didn't work. I tried so hard! The voices just wouldn't let me sleep. On and on they kept. Then the blood flowed. And then i couldn't stop. One cut after the other until my entire arm was red from blood, smeared everywhere. The more blood i saw the better i felt, so i kept on. Slapping and punching the cuts to keep the blood flowing. I loved it. I didn't even care my razor was now rusty. Maybe i want blood poisoning. I took too many anti's last night, to feel something. Anything but this. Nothing happened. I also read up that if i did decide to OD on my sedative drugs, it wouldn't kill me unless i mixed them with alcohol. So many thoughts running through my head. I can't talk or tell anyone because the psychiatrist said if anything else happened from now til i next see her she would take further action. So this must stay a secret. My dirty filthy secret. I feel dead inside again. I wrote in my diary that i beg for death.Someone stop this pain. Please God, just kill me. I feel like i'm shutting down to life, shutting myself off from everyone, including myself. I need this to end. I don't want to wake up with this anymore. Hating food. Hating me. Hating everyone, even people i don't even know. I just want to be under the ground. I read my dad's suicide letter last night, because the police let me have a copy. Just read over and over "I love her so much" ( meaning me) over and over. transfixed into those words. I feel lost in this world. I feel trapped inside my own disgusting body. I'm self destructing, slowly. It's all well and good people saying " it'll be OK, your strong" but i'm not anymore, i'm so tired, i'm so weak from this. I find myself just staring at the walls imagining dying. That's NOT NORMAL. I'm tired of life, of living. I wish i had never been born. I'm a waste of a life that someone could be enjoying.

I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE.