Be Strong, Be Independent.

Dear beauties,

I'm still the same ol' fucked up girl as i've always been.

Nothing will change.

I can't see a bright happy future right now. 

I can only see darkness and pain, that will never end. This has been going on for so long and it doesn't seem to have an end.

I'm trying so hard to think positive about things, about my life..but i can't because deep down all i feel is pain. On the surface it's easy to fake it, fake being strong, fake being happy, fake being tough, fake like nothing bothers me, but scratch that surface away and i'm a fucked up neurotic insecure paranoid depressed mess.

I learnt not to lean on anyone this week, because no matter how good things get, its only temporary. Nothing good lasts.

I've leaned on S far too much...and yet again he has let me down, let me fall into a pit of depression. I feel like he doesn't care right now because he isn't bothered when his next going to see me, he is ignoring my texts....whats the point? I thought things were going too well. I shouldn't of made myself believe that this could last.

I can't base my existence around him. But i am, and i can't help it because quite honestly, he is the only thing on this planet that is keeping me alive. Without him, if i lost him i would simply go on self destruct mode and i would commit suicide, because i lean on him far too much, because when he is away, the depression takes hold. I know that sounds pathetic, so id kill myself because i wouldn't have him etc...but its true...he is the only thing keeping me going. And when he's like this i can't bare it.

I thought i could see a glimmer of hope at the end of my dark tunnel, and now it's gone again. This is why i feel i'm getting no where fast, because even the tiniest thing can set me back for days. It's stupid.

I feel un-loved and un-wanted.

I'm always there for him...why can't he be there for me?

Maybe this is just another blip in the relationship...but now it's just made the depression take hold again. I can't stop it. I'm so fucking messed up.

I'm Not Dead!

Hello lovelies,

i'm not dead!...just my life hasn't been interesting as late....

Same ol' crap!

My pills have been upped now, now taking 100mg of my bi-polar pills, then it's gna be upped to 150mg later in the month...i am literally a walking zombie!

I have no energy at all!

Stuff with S has been sorted...i think.

My mum allowed him in the house and had a MASSIVE go at him!!

I think he learnt his lesson...except....

She is still tweeting about him. He told me it's not about him...but i know full well it is.

I still have trust issues.

I still dunno if his lying to me about talking to her....

Plus B wont talk to me now...because basically, a few weeks ago, i thought S was talking to that  whore behind my back as she was tweeting about him and shit...and i found this out while with B...so i said, "I'm breaking up with him"! ...which gave B false hope....but then i found out that in fact he wasn't talking to her..so i kinda took back everything i said, and stayed with S...so in turn..really hurt B...bleh. I just want a simple life.

The bi-polar has been playing havock with my brain...it wont leave me alone...one minute i'm ok, and happy, and cheery, next, i'm on the floor depressed as fuck cutting. Yes...i broke my cycle of not cutting and did it last week...i felt awful about it...more scars to cover up. S wasn't impressed and kept grabbing my arm and looking at the damage...his been trying hard lately to make it up to me, talking about moving in together when i'm better, having a family, getting engaged...it feels nice....i just wish i could trust him.

Of course i want to be happy..i want a family, i want to move out...but i can't because of my fucking mental brain. I'm so worried...i'm 20 years old, i've never had a job because of this, i have stupid scars all up my arm, i can never have a baby for as long as i'm on these pills, and even when i do eventually come off them, what effect will it have on the baby? The pills could have damaged my body for life!, and god knows how long i'll be on them for!! I can't move out, because of the benefits i'm on, if i move out, they'll be on my back constantly! And expect me to get a job...i can't move forward at all...and i don't know how long for. I'm stuck, until god knows when.

I want to move forward...but i simply can't. Because i'm not allowed. I'm so scared when i think about the future ( when i can see one).

All my life consists of now is, waking up at 2pm, watching TV, eating and then sleeping again...i'm damn sick of it!!

Astra x

It Wont Go Away

I don't really know where to start...

I feel awful again, i'm so angry at nothing, i'm so depressive all of a sudden.

I want to cut, so badly....

I just want to feel happiness again

All i can feel is pain and hurt...i can't stop thinking about that thing with S, i'm constantly checking his fb and twitter just incase she's talking to him again...i'm constantly checking her fb and twitter too because she keeps writing about him and it's tearing me apart!!

I'm letting a stupid little 17 year old cunt hurt me. That's fucking pathetic.

I'm so pathetic!!!!!!!!

I'm soooo fucking angry! I'm always in the mood for a full blown argument all the time, i could easily just lay into someone verbally. Maybe physically who knows.

I went out last night with a few old mates

I ended up drinking a bit too much and getting depressive in front of my mate...lets call him F.

We aren't really close....we just are mates i guess?

I ended up pouring my heart out to him..how embarrassing and stupid. Coz he knows C....

F kept saying i should just dump S, coz his a stupid prick etc...

He kept saying how amazing i was and shit...i don't believe it...but if thats what he thinks, i'll let him.

I'm trying to do at least 200 wall press ups a night now, i need to get stronger!!

I'm so fucking weak.

This post doesn't make much sense to me anymore so i think i'll stop....

I'll probably go have an argument with S now to let off some steam...then cut.

I need to get it out of my system

God i've changed so much again...where the fuck did i go??

Astra x

Fuck This

This is a sort of  letter to my friends,

Yes i still love you.

The reason i haven't been in contact is because i've been more than suicidal these past days.

SORRY. K?

I tried to kill myself again ok?! Pills, pills, pills!

Because i'm living a lie.

I can't cope with all these things that have been going on. Especially with S.

The little cunt that he did that with, i am going to destroy her. I've already been working out, so i'm stronger. So i can eventually when i see her punch her in the fucking face like she deserves. I will slice her fucking throat. Especially after i find out that she posted things on her twitter about me.

I'm angry all the time.

I prefer to be alone again.
I want my revenge on the world. I want to say a big FUCK YOU.
I want to sleep around.
I want to be noticed.
I want to stuff my face.
I just need someone to notice me for once.
I want someone to look me in the eyes and ask me, whats wrong? So i can blurt my heart out to them. I'm tired of covering up.
I'm not me right now.

So there, friends. Thats why i haven't txt you.

Because i tried to end it again. Because i can't do this!!!

So there. Like it or leave it. I couldn't care less right now.

All i want to do is lay down and cry.

So stop with the abuse.

Peace out.