PLEASE READ. ( If You Want To Understand Me Better)

       Hello Beauties <3

Right so OK, do you remember that "thing" i kept talking about, around  weeks ago? And how it's effected me so badly ETC?

I feel now it is the time to tell you, because tbh, you will never get to understand my true feelings if you do not know.

           That 2 weeks ago, my beloved dad took his own life. He was only 45. And you will never understand how much i love him, and miss him, and still do not believe that it's him lying there. Basically, like me he suffered with severe depression, and i think schizophrenia. He was an alcoholic, like he had been for most of his life. I saw him about 2-3 times a month..maybe not even that. I never got to see much of him for the last 2-3 months due to him getting worse and worse with the depression. I didn't know at the time..i thought it was me. I feel a failure as a daughter. He saw me as "perfect" He said so himself. And i'm not. I'm a HUGE FUCKUP. I'm a disgrace to him. In the last 2 weeks, the police have visited me, his wife ( I hate her now) and his mum and dad ( My grand parents) to check up on us, and to give me the part of his suicide note, which talked of me. I cannot get over what it says.

      You want to know why i HATE his wife? Because she is keeping 99% of his things,i have a simple box, of his..i wanted more. I have nothing of his. Plus...she will not let anyone else have a say in funeral arrangements. ( It's this Thursday) She won't contact anyone...so no one knew of any of the arrangements until i rang her to find out myself. He was MY DAD. I want a say here! But i'm not aloud. The one thing i wanted to arrange was the songs being played at the funeral, as i knew his favourite songs. But NO. Both song that are going to be played are from their wedding. IT'S NOT FAIR. I do like her..i do care for her i really do...but i feel so so angry.

        Me and my mum have gone through ALL the photos in the house of him, and re-printed all of them. Just so i can look at them whenever i like.

I MISS HIM SO MUCH. I LOVE YOU DADDY. 

And now, maybe, you can understand me a little better? Understand why i must lose weight, why i must do the things i do. I NEED to be perfect for him. Just like he always thought i was.

Today has been, as the whole weekend has...Terrible. I'm feeling suicidal all over again. The need to cut was so so intense that i ended up scratching my skin to death on my arm on the bus, on the way to the BF's. I had to feel pain. I failed to make it bleed. But the marks are still there. I tried my best my fucking HARDEST! To not eat. But seeing as i was not home, it was impossible. I refused dessert many times this weekend, along with food. I had minimal amount at dinners and lunch. But binged on Saturday =/ An extra pastry.. and sweets. Kinda had to eat though..the BF was getting suspicious. Plus i was getting so many cravings i had to eat them...=/ AND today...i did well until about 3pm. Only had eaten a few nibbles of a pastry...then went out with a friend and bought those aero bubbles?..AND just because my friend brought a Mcdonalds...i brought a chicken baguette thing from there too...although to be honest..it was lush! At that point i didn't care. Just the baguette alone was 550 calories! WTF. AND THEN. my mum had made dinner...but thank the lord i got away with not eating anything. Only a few vegetables.

            I feel so shit. I feel as though i've gone 5 steps back, with my moods. This weekend was just...unbearable. Even the BF said " Is there much point in being together anymore?"...Because i was being THAT cold with him. I just felt numb. Going through anorexia sites on how to tone etc..=/ and ALMOST GOT CAUGHT. Fuck me!  

Still 93 lbs.

 I found the most beautiful song on youtube. It describes me down to a T.

Lisa Loeb- She's falling apart. LOOK IT UP!

I just need to be perfect for him. And i will be, i promise. 

P.S: I'm debating whether to put my email up here, just for a bit...I need to talk to you girls. =/ Shall i or not? 

Astra x 

Bad Days.

             Well as before, i'm going to give a quick update before i go away to the BF's for the weekend. And i swear i will not fucking stuff my face when not needed!!! Today is a bad day. The people from the crisis team came round today at 10.30am!! >___> I WANTED SLEEP!! Nothing much came of it, just going through the motions of the last visit " How are you feeling? How are you eating?, You must eat!!" ETC..ETC. NO.

             I don't get it? I hate eating because it makes me want to vomit. I get so much urge to just go to the toilet and vomit!. But i don't. I know my body wont gain weight..because my metabolism has always been fast. But these last few months i do  not want to eat...I don't want to run the risk of gaining because i don't want chub. My collar bones stick out as it is..and my hip bones are just about visible. And i like it. I want more. I count the calories and everything now. 500cals so far today. I want to be dainty and thin. I love it. I hate being made to eat. I don't want food...but if it's there i'll scoff the lot because i have no self control. But when i do resist i'm so so happy.

        I've been thinking a lot lately...maybe 90lbs wouldn't be so bad for me? Lose 2lbs? What do you think? When i look in the mirror i do think..Mmmm, what would i look like at 90lbs? I'm at a loss all over again.

        Thoughts are gaining control of my stable state atm. It's horrible. 

I did however look up anorexic on youtube. Some of the stuff is frightening. I just wanted to sort of scare myself. Scare myself into eating...it sort of makes you want to eat...people die from this? But sometimes thats how i feel. Whats the point in being here if i cannot be happy? Again its a lose, lose situation. Did you know theres a woman that is just 54lbs? She is literally skin and bone. It's not pretty. I don't want that..i just want to feel beautiful.

Is that what you guys feel too? You just want to be beautiful..but sometimes it's just too much, you just want to give up and scoff your face til you die..because i feel like that..=/ That need to just die. Just because you feel such a failure?

Sorry this had turned out to be a depressing post :( Talk in 2 days

Love you girls. 

Astra x

Take Charge!

         Hello gorgeous people :)

                     I'm finally starting to get back into socialising. :) Made me feel good today. I saw one of my best friends who i haven't seen in over 3-4 weeks? Due to obvious reasons. It was sort of weird feeling a little bit of normality. We shall call her G :)  G and i were meant to have a good proper "catch up"...which obviously involved talking about me and how i've been getting on..as she knows practically everything...even a bit of me not hardly ever wanting to eat...but thats it, none of the detailed facts..i just can't =/. As i love her to bits. But we couldn't have our good catch up as she had to take her little sister out with her...which at first i absolutely DREADED! ( I really HATE children) but tbh, i loved her! :D She was so lovely, she's 7 years old, so just about passes my "test" for not being annoying! XD  It was so good :) We all held hands and what not...and then bumped into..lets call him A? Who is also a good friend, but also the BF's best mate. And we all held hands walking down the street in a big line, felt odd holding A's hand! But he is very lovely and very much gorgeous! Even though he loves to think not! We all sort of ended up going to the park and have a go on the swings, which tbh is a LOT of fun! :D AND! managed to resist icecream :) G and her little sister both went to get some, and even after much persistent but kind nagging from G to buy some ( i know she is only concerned for me..but i just don't want to hear it), i didn't! Felt good. Although after we left A in the park to meet his other friends, we did end up buying food, as G's little sister was hungry...and as G does know about my lack of eating, i had to buy something. And after much deliberation, decided on a little pasta pot..which until i walked outside didn't realize this innocent looking thing contained 510 CALORIES!. 510! For a teeny little pot! Which i do add, was DISGUSTING! So left it half eaten on the shop's steps outside :) But to be honest, thats all i had eaten since about, 9.30am.

            On a slightly separate note, over 3 weeks ago, G invited me to go with her to this Halloween party at this club...first off i said yes of course!..But after the "thing" that happened 2 weeks ago..i said no, and it was only today that she reminded me that i should defiantly go..but i'm not sure...i still dread to think what i'll be like around massive crowds of people..i know i will not be able to handle it. I know for a fact it will start up things in my head..i've only been on these new pills for just over a week, and i haven't really felt any effect from them..so i just don't know. =/ Plus...it's a weekend, so i want to see the BF. FUCKS SAKE! I know that if i go..i'll want to drink to make my head stop feeling and thinking disgusting horrible things..and if i drink i'll be worse..its a lose-lose situation. Help? 

         To top off this now shit mood, i haven't even had dinner yet I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO EAT!! Not hungry and just no? WTF? I was in an OK mood before i started this post. I just feel like saying FUCK! to everything. Fuck food. Fuck life. And fuck my head.  Need to scream.

No more calories!  This is the first time in ages i feel this way. The way in which i feel like chucking all the dinner in the bin. Getting pissed and forgetting everything. Even though i know it will make things 10x worse. I think we should make a stand.

I'm not ana OR mia...so why do i feel like this??? Or maybe i am? =/ Does anyone have an answer?

THEY'RE OUR BODIES AND WE CAN DO WHAT THE HELL WE WANT WITH THEM!  

Love, Astra x 

 

She is very inspirational. 

BINGE!!! (Back From Grandparents)

Hello beautiful :)
Thankyou for all your comments :) 
Bony bunny, Anita Marie, Molly, Mich, Waste Away Kate& Bella. 

I'm back from the grandparents, and MY GOD DID I EAT!!!!!!! I feel shit. A big portion of chips along with a battered sausage from the local chippy,  A box of after eight chocolates and a big bar of Aero chocolate  ( Which i still haven't finished) I felt so sick afterwards...i actually wanted to throw it all back up...But of course i wouldn't of because, 

1: I was round my grandparents for the night and 

2: My gag reflex doesn't allow me!

So i sat there feeling really sick the whole night...but yet that didn't stop me from devouring half a box of after eight chocolates too. I DIDN'T EVEN WANT THEM! 

My goodness, how i wanted fruit or ANYTHING healthy after that. :(

It didn't help that my aunts kept saying "Oh my goodness you need some fat on those bones of yours!" etc..etc. So i gave in to make them happy, and ate, and ate and ate. I like being my weight, theres nothing wrong with it. A part of me when i was round my nans was saying.." So what if your eating your own weight in food? EAT IT!!! EAT EVERYTHING."...But then the other half thought of you guys, and myself..."What are you doing? Do you know how much horrible fat is going through your arteries right now?"

I don't want to gain weight, i like my weight, and besides..i sort of need to gain literally anything before Friday, before seeing the Doctor. Just to keep everyone quiet.

       On a separate note though, i sort of enjoyed staying over my Nan and grandads in the end..i mean i was silent for the first few hours because quite simply i didn't want to be there at all, i wanted to be alone in my room. I felt shit that day anyway..but being around people makes it worse. Thoughts and feelings get stronger. I don't really need to explain them, do i? =/ I think you can probably guess what kind of thoughts they were. I'm so tired of feeling this way. They don't have any internet there, so i couldn't do anything to take my mind off things at all. And i'll be completely honest with you, because tbh, you guys are about the only people i an talk to without feeling judged or anything. I wanted to cut, and i wanted to bleed, i needed to do anything to get out of the situation and run away, curl up in a ball and sleep forever. I hate this fucked up head. I so miss how things used to be. So so badly. And due to those feelings, i ate even more, in bed. Even though i was supposed to feel sleepy because i ended up giving those sleeping pills a chance...only difference it made was that i didn't wake up at 4.10am. I had some seriously freaky dreams that night. Woke up at midday to find my nan was cooking her Sunday roast...and really? No one ca resist that. BUT! and there is a but, i resisted desert :) Had a glass of water instead whilst watching everyone else eat a bowl of mint ice cream :) Some how that made me feel good, i was putting goodness into my body :) ( For once! HAHA!) Tbh i don't really like ice cream anyway! 

     But overall, i had a nice time, it's so free there, as they live sort of in the country, no cars, just trees and fields :) I hadn't seen them in about 2 years! So it was a bit..WOAHHH DUDE!!! Who are you again? XD But living in the country does have it's down sides..such as SPIDERS. So like always, i did a spider check around my room before i slept i that bed! Jesus.

Back at home now though, after over an hour and a half's journey by bus!..God my arse hurt!

Anyway, i bet you girls are bored shitless of this post! So i'll leave it here :) And thank god i can sleep in my own bed again :) I dunno why, but i really don't like other peoples spare beds :(

I hope everyone else is doing well.

Astra x 

P.S: I never realised how much blogging helps make me feel better, helps the feelings go away.

Edit** Is there such a thing as being TOO THIN? Opinions? It's just i'm fighting between two minds..i need to be put back on track. Help?

A Little Update

       

               Oh my goodness, i'm so incredibly tired!!..Does anyone know anything good i can take or drink or something to make me stay awake? Again last night i had 4 hours sleep. Cannot take much more of not being able to sleep!..Plus it didn't help, being woken up and told that the doctors were coming round that same hour! All i want is sleep!!! ..Good thing is though, i told them everything i couldn't tell the so called "psychiatrist" yesterday. The woman actually listened rather than writing crap down i hadn't even said!...They only stayed for half an hour, but still so draining!
      Plus now...i'm going to go on some sleeping pills too, just to help me so i don't fall asleep standing up!

I swear i'm going mad...i've been seeing and hearing things all day..=/ It's horrible.. I wish you girls lived closer  :(

Food intake so far: Teeny bowl of cereal and a nibble of ham sandwich.

Right now, i'm being forced round my nans =[ really don't want to go, too tired and messed up.


Astra x
 P.S: Thankyou again for your lovely comments and keep sending your blog links if i'm not following you :)

LINK ME UP TO YOUR BLOGS!

     

Hello beautiful girls :)

So today was the day i went to see the so called SHIT! psychiatrist. Why do i say shit? Because he didn't understand a word i said!!! He was foreign. Do i need to say more? I couldn't understand him and vise versa, so he basically wrote down what ever he thought i said! After correcting him time after time..i gave up and let him write whatever the hell he wanted. I literally told him practically everything ( aart from the eating part and my hatred for food atm, I DO NOT WANT HELP WITH THIS! It's MY choice.) ...But anyway...after telling him everything else, he came to the conclusion that i should carry on with the pills i'm on and have specialists come round the house daily to talk with me..like a form of counseling and to check up on me..weight ETC...but in my own home. WTF? I do not like strangers in my home. I felt personally it was a complete waste of time. He said the pills wouldn't take the voices and seeings things ETC away...so i need to talk to a counselor? How the hell is talking going to make everything go away? IT'S NOT! I've been there before, years ago, it didn't work. So the plan is, the next "doctor" to come round here to check on me, i'm going to tell what i think, i've been here before, i'm not doing it again because it didn't work. Solace anyone? 

         And now on top of this..on Friday i have to see my doctor to get weighed....and apparently if i don't put weight on " things are going to get serious" because i'm too underweight? I'm really not. I'm fine, i like my collarbones and hip bones. Is it so wrong to want to feel as light as the air?

I need some advice..what do i do? Do i binge eat until Friday just to put a temporary amount of weight on so i look "healthy" or do i not?? Help! 

       Omg i feel completely drained... I actually feel soooo tired 24/7 Stupid sleeping pattern. Every night i go to sleep around 1.30am...then wake up about 4.10am every bloody night...it's so tiring.

If this post makes no sense it's because i just went downstairs for about 2 hours and now attempting to re-write this post! No idea where i'm at XD. I think i'll leave it at that..i cannot concentrate at all.

Food intake: Small bowl of sugar puffs ( To keep me going, been feeling very faint recently), Teeny bit of meat and veg for dinner, and a few cashew nuts. Not bad?

P.S: Girls, if i'm not following you, just send me your blog links and i'll get onto that right away! :) 

P.P.S: Thankyou  for all your lovely comments <3 

Astra x 

Dear Me.

Dear oh bloody dear...i'm sort of shitting the last post now, last night was a terrible night for me. I wasn't in a good place yesterday. Stupid head. Thoughts just sort of took over..  :/ I hate it.
         So today hasn't really been eventful, i've been in bed all day feeling like poo. But i guess that means when i sleep, hunger goes away! :) Which it did, so it's currently 5pm and all i've eaten today are 4 small pancakes, which are like i dunno,..about 40 cals? So i guess i'm happy with that, just not happy with the fact i feel like a utter skank because i've not washed today  due to feeling ill. My excuse is that i'm going grunge for the day! :D Wahay for grunge, love it.
        I did text a friend earlier..as i was worried about her...she has an ED..and seems to be struggling at the moment due to people being on her case about everything...i've not heard from her in weeks, and i cannot get hold of her no matter what. Don't know what to do. I need to be worrying about myself, but i can't, i'm the last person on my mind that i'm worried about. Did that just makes sense? Because it didn't to me. LOL. Basically i don't care for myself at all right now. Although i am starting to worry i'm slowly losing contact with the few people i have left...i'm thinking i'm just going to have to tell them about the "thing" over FB or MSN...because lets face it...i'm not going to see anyone for a little while..i don't want people seeing me like this..asking all sorts of questions. Once they know..maybe they will come back to me? If they know that i need them..but then again part of me thinks why bother? the close friends i have already know about the depression part..well some of it. And they don't bother with me even then, so what difference would it make if i told them new things? I dunno..it's like a battle between two minds, in one head. I miss how it used to be. I miss "me"...Even though tbh, i don't even know who "me" actually is anymore.
        On a last thought, i have that appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow, kinda bricking it..i don't want to go. I can admit i'm a little scared. I don't want to face my demons head on, it's fucking scary! I have no idea what they will ask, or do, or say. This time tomorrow i will.  I'm scared.


Astra x

VENT.VENT.VENT.VENT.VENT!!!!!!!!!

          Arghhh!!!!! I cannot take this anymore..i swear....i feel like all my friends are turning against me.  don't feel wanted by anyone. All  want is a cuddle from "you". I've lost the will to live. I don't want to go out anymore, i want to be alone in my room 24/7. These thoughts, feelings, emotions. I can't take them!
          OK...I'm not going to lie to any of you, the real reason i got another piercing today was so that i could feel pain. Pain without being scrutinized, because no one would suspect i liked the pain from it? But i DID! And i'm glad it hurt alot. I'm glad the numbing formula didn't work at all. Just the feeling of the needle going through my ear was enough to almost drive the need to cut away, as it wasn't done by needle gun, so the pain lasted longer. I guess thats why i love piercings? I love the feeling, the adrenaline rush. The feeling dizzy after because i hadn't ate. I like being skinny,  i like feeling hungry! Sometimes i visulise the food going down me, and i feel ill! because it's disgusting.The thought of it making me feel lazy and sluggish. I sort of like feeling mad...it's comforting.

"I miss the comfort in being sad..." -Nirvana.

And thank you to my followers :) I LOVE YOU GUYS! x 

Ok, vent over...i feel a little better now. 



Astra x 

Wahay For Piercings!

Kat-Von Dee= Nomnom!

         So today? Well...it was the first day i've been out since 2 weeks ago. Me and my best friend ..C..went out for a drive..as she can drive! We just relaxed most of the day driving down the country roads...had a bite to eat of chips and i got another piercing :D I did want scaffolding in my ear..but that was £25! screw that. So i got

 my rook done instead.  

 <----It's that part of your ear, incase some people may not know :) ( No thats NOT my ear)..I tell you something though! it foooking hurt =[ Only because they didn't put any numbing formula on it,  plus i had a little ring instead so they guy had to curve the hole too LOL! But i'm very good with pain so i didn't mind that much, although it's given me a headache ever since. So thats 6 piercings now :) ..AND WANT MORE!

                 

                      Got home from having a drive with C at about 5pm. Then had a phonecall from L ..who i'm sure was aiming for an argument! and tbh i'm really not in the mood for one. I have way too much stuff going on right now, then to deal with him going mad at me for nothing!  I do love him, but sometimes like right now...i don't need him raging. 

                    Today, mood wise..it's been OK, not too bad, and food intake has been good. Not much to say on that front..only had half a plate of a small amount of chips, less than half a pasta pot and 2 pancakes. Oh yes! and i decided that i like my hair now :D it's gone all different colours, dark purple, dark pink, blue kinda..because my hair was all different tones before too, from previous dyes.  Red, black and dark brown. Anyway..i think that is all for now, can't really think of anything more to say! 

Astra x 

Wow, Just..Wow.

         I don't really know what to say. Dyed my hair...now it's gone all streaky and all over my hands..so now my hands are purple..it looks shit. Today is a very bad day for me. Not sure what i feel right now...so i'm not sure if this s worth reading. Everything is getting to me today...whatever i eat isn't good enough...i read the calories on everything, just to drive myself that little bit further to the edge, and it works. Even breathing is taking up energy now. All i want to do is snuggle up with L..the BF, i'll call him that, as it does play a significance in our relationship. You know, L is the character from Death Note, the animé? You guys should watch it, its very good, although very confusing at times.
       So i'm currently sitting on my bed, with a horrible taste in my mouth of nothingness. Depression is a demon of a thing. Gets you when you least expect it.

All i want to do is feel normal. Beautiful?


Astra x 

 

What A Totally Boring Day...

Dita Von Teese=NOM.

So today i here you ask? Well, if i'm honest..nothing much has happened today. I woke up late as per usual as i just cannot sleep atm..so i make up for it in the day times now, and did nothing but watch TV all day! ..Actually..thats a lie =] i've just got back from the shops with some hair dye, luminance violet :) hopefully it will work! Hair dyes hate my hair =[  ..it never looks right.

         Dear oh dear..i received also, a letter from re-think, just to confirm i am mad saying, due to our consultation over the phone last week, we have referred you to another psychiatrist as we do not have the right doctors to help with your mental state. WEEEEEEEEE!!! My lord! i am mad after all!...Well i always think, at least i'm not alone! At least i'm not the only one thinking strange things.

        I do keep wanting to tell you guys about the "thing" that has happened...i do want to let you all in...but part of me doesn't want anyone to know. I only told 1 friend last night, and that is all that knows, because its just too damn hard  to say the words...i think its going to turn me religious! Fuck! I mean, don't we all turn to God in times of desperate need? Even if we don't sometimes believe? The only people i can turn to is you guys, the BF and my friends..except i don't want to tell them..but in turn that drives them away..its a lose lose situation. I haven't seen anyone in just about 2 weeks coming up too...nor been to college..and i swear i've already forgotten literally everything i have learnt this year already!..SHIT. Huh? And i know as soon as i go back everyone will be all, "where have you been!!? whats happened? Are you OK?" ARRGHHHH!!!! I cannot bare so many voices at once. Drives me to paranoia. Literally.

     Words cannot express what i feel OK? But you can't say that...it's rude.

      It's going to be like being the new kid all over again i guess, i've always hated that, the way everyone stares at you, and whispers things...And that is certainly NOT going to help my mind. Paranoia to the MAX! So wath out >___>

     Today i have only eaten, teeny bowl of cereal..and a bowl at about 4am as i got so hungry i couldn't lie down anymore..which i did feel bad for doing...And a sandwich. Thats all =] ...I swear i am losing weight..i an feel my stomach caving in, my ribs more and my hip bones am sure are protruding out more...But yet the scales say different...Always makes me wonder...

Much Love, Astra x 

Now What Happened Today?

Well, i said i would tell you, so here goes...
        A nurse and a psychiatrist came round today for about an hour, to analyze me. Asked fuck loadsa questions They explained that they had been sent from re-think as my mental health was too complex for them..as they only deal with normal run of the mill depression. They even offered for a doctor to come round everyday while my mum goes to work incase i get suicidal..which i do. But i declined. I don't want to be alone in my house with a complete stranger! Freaky?
       And then they finally got to the point, that after their analysis, they were very concerned with my state of mind, and WEIGHT. ( Why is everyone so concerned about my weight all of a sudden?) and they want me to see another psychiatrist down at this mental health place...for crazy people. So i have to go there Monday >__> Oh the joy!!! They asked how much i eat..so i said well...enough. And of course i'm not going to eat! I feel disgusting and terrible, more then anyone can understand right now. I don't honestly know whats keeping me here anymore...after the "thing" happened last Monday night my head been more fucked then ever before in my entire life. I DON'T WANT TO EAT. Ok???????? My moods are everywhere ...voices in my head are stronger and i'm seeing things. I can't sleep, i need to cut. i'm GOING MAD.

 someone fucking  help me????

On the food front however...Only ate, teeny bowl of cereal, pack of crisps and a little dinner...which i didn't really eat much of. :) 
Still: 92-3lbs 

Much love, Astra x 

P.S : Thankyou for the lovely comments below, you made me smile x 

BACK!

Hey peoplems! im back, sorry it's been sooooo long =[
        There was a tragedy in the family this week...hence me not coming on. I couldn't face it. I still cannot believe what has happened, so i'm not going to say it...maybe soon...

        My world however in my little head has been manic. And i mean MANIC. I thought my head was fucked before...now "this" has happened, i don't know whether i'm coming or going. I stayed at the BF'S for a week to escape it all..only came back  yesterday. Went to the doctors...DUNDUN DEEERRRR!!!!!!!! I'm on anti's once again. Stronger ones..i mentioned in my last post. Started them on Sunday just gone. Also got in contact with "Re-think" ..they are a mental health place....who again..after a 30 minute consultation over phone said she was going to contact this other place..who would again ring me, because she was worried about my state of mind..after me saying sometimes i cannot control what i do....so then they rang me and ar coming to my house! for another consultation..to see my environment in which i live....as if that has anything to do with the way i feel? Lately though i have felt 10x worse..due to the "thing"...you know suicidal thoughts..etc. Except feeling the actual need to put them into action. But as you can see, i haven't .....yet.
     The doctor also gave me a "crisis" number, incase i get into one of those moods..as they are 24 hour hotline i can call whenever. Don't think i will though...i hate talking over the phone.
      I do think i need help though, since the "thing" i haven't spoken to my friends in over a week, nor been to college...and my paranoia the way it is, keeps me thinking, shit...i'm not going to be wanted when i get back...no one will like me anymore..etc. And every FB  update of my close friends saying they have been out with so and so having a great time etc..makes me think again..SHIT! I'm being forgotten. Even though i'm probably not. Who knows?

    Doctor also says, i'm TOO UNDERWEIGHT. Skin and bone. And if i don't put on at least half a stone i have to come off my contraceptive injection..which worries me there slightly..but hey. I like being slim and petite. Fat people like...20 stone are DISGUSTING. IF. they can help it. As some people are just born that way. So i currently weigh now.. Just under 93lbs. Maybe 92. Have to admit though, if i lose anymore i will start to look ill. And then that means...hospital. Which has been mentioned. JOY! But tbh, i always look ill as i have very pale skin....and i was ill last night anyway! erghhh feeling sick and what not at 4am. >___>
        So overall, my head from the "thing" has majorly fucked up...I haven't spoken properly t my friends in over a week nor seen anyone. I again cannot eat..today i just managed a sandwich and some beans and chips ( baby sized portion) And again i cannot sleep..hence this post at ten past 1 in the morning. When i should be sleeping so i an get up early and tidy round before the psychiatrist people get here. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Love you.
Astra x

UPDATE.

Just a quick post, before i go to the boyfriends for the weekend.

I went to the doctors this morning, I have to stop the pills i'm currently taking, wait 2 weeks..so basically i have to get worse before i can take these new pills...there more for calming moods, and major depression. She gave me the number for this psychotherapy place...called them, and they are going to call me back in 2-3 working day to have a 45 minute consultation over the phone to see what is the best route to take. So for the next 2 weeks, i'm going to feel even worse than i have been....
     The doctor said that considering 3 types of anti's haven't worked so far, they are trying me on these, which are stronger. So hopefully they will work...=/ Not with the eating thing though me thinks...i haven't told her about that. And i don't think i will. I need to control something i do, right?

Keep slim everyone, and good luck =]

Astra x

Where To Start?

Ok...i'm literally falling asleep as i write this =[ I'm so tired! Hence the no posting yesterday. I got back from college at about half 5 the evening. I'm still so so tired from a massage.
And incase no one knows yet... i'm a complementary therapist..well studying it at level 3 now :)..basically that consists of doing aromatherapy, Swedish body massage and reflexology ( look it up ). This would now be my second year studying it. From going from 6th form that is..that dreaded awful shit hole! Learnt NOTHING. But yes anyway...=]
         I came home feeling so so tired, stuffed my face with sweets and shit. Which now i feel terrible for, as its all shit. We learnt, the arm, front of leg and abdomen routine today. Soooooooooooooo relaxing! i fell asleep. I swear this course is the only course ever to actually ENCOURAGE students to fall asleep!
        Yesterday however there were reasons that i didn't post, not only because i was feeling tired. I had a terrible mood swing..from you know...fine to suicidally depressive. I wanted to cut again...except this time more than you can imagine. It felt like the only way out until one of my closest friends sussed something was wrong and talked me out of it. For that i thank him. Except..this evening however, after telling me not to cut, he confessed he had been cutting...because of his GF. They're having problems..i wont go into that, its not my place. I may ring him after this post, as he went offline a while ago..and his drinking, which can only make things worse. God, i love my friends so much.
      Back to now however, i guess i'm not feeling too bad now, compared to earlier, i thought my head might implode from so much paranoia and anxiety..which i obviously had to hide in college as they no nothing of any of this, or my past. Felt so tight, like i needed to scream, like everyone around me was laughing or whispering about me, which they probably weren't. I hate them sort of states of mind....which brings me onto my last subject, and the fact i was meant to see my doctor about a week ago to get my pills doubled, i haven't obviously been...for many reasons, one being that everytime i get into a state, feeling like cutting etc. i convince myself its a bad idea to go and just go back to bed instead. I know she knows i've lost weight and i don't want to be weighe either...i've had enough of people commenting about that as it is. But i guess thats why i'm feeling so awful lately, because technically i should of run out of pills a week ago..but i've been skipping days due to my head and thoughts telling me not to take them etc..=/ Sometimes when i get manic, i feel a sense of sickening ontrol, looking at calories, watching everything i eat, everything i do...until i get out of that state and think what have i done? Right now i don't know what to do, i know i should go..but i just don't want to bring everything up again, i hate talking about it. But i NEED those pills.
           Oh yeah...forgot to say....i had another argument with the BF, you see its my best friends birthday soon...and he doesn't want me drinking without him there...but it was his decision not to go as he already spent money on something else..=/ So right now i'm pissed off, but still..i'll still go..it will do me good..surely?

 

P.S: I just want to say, keep strong to the beautiful people i'm following, i read all your blog updates, and your all such strong wonderful people. Make me feel terrible.

<--- Goregeous Right?

Astra x

Omg, My Head Hurts.

Omg, i have a terrible headache today =[
It's probably because i have a 5 page list thing due in college tomorrow, and i have hardly done any of it, just because its stupid and a waste of time! Awe learnt all of that last year! Why do we need to learn it again????
        Today has been a lazy day for me, as i had no college, why is everyone going on a fast lately? I've seen it all over FB. The one week fast" Or something? I don't know how anyone can fast over 1 week, id cave at the first 2 days or so...
        The only things i have eaten today are...
1 bowl of clusters
1 packet of crisps. And its....7.50pm? I don't know how i managed that to be honest...Well..i did get up at about 2 in the afternoon :)
I didn't meet K in the end today, felt too shit. So i backed out. It's just such an effort to put on a happy face, like everythings ok, when its not. I was also meant to go to the doctors this morning, but again..didn't as i cannot face it. I cannot face her saying, more pills etc. Telling me what i'm feeling is "Normal" when is plainly is not! I HATE it when she says that. Like i'm normal..ERGHHHH!!!!  Just drives me mad...if i was normal, i wouldn't have these thoughts, feelings. etc...i cba to go into them, because right now i cannot think, im too hungry, and i have a headache =[ ..i'm going to eat a little. Sorry for the shite post!


Astra x

WTF.

Oh my god, my posts have been depressive..and this one isn't much better. I just got off the phone to my dad, i had to answer his calls sooner or later, and surprise surprise, he was drunk. He is an alcoholic you see. Hense why my parents split when i was a baby. He chose alcohol over me. Still does. Thats why i've never had a father figure in my entire life. Well anyway...we spoke on the phone, it was all about music or him...nothing about me. It's like "hi! i'm your daughter, remember me? " No..i thought not.
 Alll i ever wanted was a father. I got a drunken dad instead. His side of the family suffer with depression etc...so it was inevitable i was going to get something!
Well today however...was alright...haven't really eaten much, not been hungry. But oh my god, do i miss my friends.  Especially J and K, lets call them. J is the one going through similar stuff i am...but something tells me lately..she doesn't want to know me..i'm the one all the time trying to talk, txting ringing....So i've decided  BACK THE FUCK OFF! Maybe she doesn't want to talk to me? I'll let her come to me from now on ok? Promise?
And now moving onto K, well i miss him like fuck. He makes me feel so light and airy, like im not depressed. I can laugh, talk about anything, with him thinking..ohh right! sure... or something bad. He doesn't judge. Thats the best thing..And hopefully i'm seeing him tomorrow. Cheer myself up, I need a hug. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.


Astra x

What A Day...

What a day today has been....my god. i've actually eaten more than i did yesterday, by far. It was only because ii did get a little scared, as i walked to tesco's looking up at the trees, everything seemed slightly blurry and swirley. I thought i might collapse. Plus i was alone.
It has been better today, mood wise anyway. Right now as i type this though...well, thats a different story..The need to cut, the need to binge on anything i can lay my hands on, is immense. Just to see blood. Just to feel that sharp pain, it would help. I'm trying my best to resist, but its so hard.
I have tried to take my mind off it, i cleaned the entire house, now THAT was a workout i can tell you.
I was home alone for most of the day and it made me feel so much better. But as soon as the mother walked in, i fell back into a depression of hatred and pain...i think it may because she just doesn't understand...everytime i bring up the subject, the pills do nothing, i still feel terrible, i want to cut, i feel fucking SUICIDAL 99% OF THE TIME! All i get is.."well go back to the doctors then!"
It doesnt fucking work like that!!!!!!!!! i NEED solace here? To talk to somebody, anybody who understand me? will not judge...If it came to it, fucking well cut with me!? WTF!...That sounds awful...but its better than everyone going on a me.."oh shut up, oh get over it..."
IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING EASY!!!!!! 
I just have to talk to someone. I need to feel normal again. Because quite simply, at this moment in time..and everyday, every minute. I feel so heavy, heavy with numbness..but yet sadness and cutting and eating and food and friends...Everything i HATE all mixed together..and i only hate it because no one understands!
















On another note....my non existing father has been trying to call me all week...i've obviously ignored the calls, for various reason..2 being because i've simply not wanted contact with anyone this week because of the way i feel..and 2 because he only rings and is only a father when it suits...if you can call him that...his more if a "mate" who only calls when they want something. I can safety say i cannot ever tell him about this, and i have not had a "serious" conversation with him in years because NOTHING can be taken seriously with him.     I have no father figure really..only the bf's dad..but i can't talk with him about this either, i don' want anyone knowing. Apart from the ones who already founds out from the way i was acting like..months ago.  The only person i can talk to about everything doesn't seem to want to know anymore..she has her own issues to deal with, similar to mine, which i don't blame her for..but still...I'll probably talk about my non existent father in a another post..if your interested that is! But for now, i guess i'll leave it at that.


Astra x                   

Tonght I'm Totally Fucked.

And no as i sit here typing this, im not sure what to do... I feel disgusting. Its like..tonight me and a friend were planning to go out  for a drive to another mates, whom i miss dearly, i wanted to see him so bad. But then just as i was ready, hair looked good, re-applied makeup...she backed out. And then my mood went fromhigh as a kite, heart racing, hyper almost..to CRASH. I'm feeling like i want to actually give up. Voices staarted, feling emerged again. Nasty disgusting ones. And thats why my friend thought i was bipolar. I mean, i have the classic signs. Except i'm not, thank god. Well at least the doctor said i'm not..but tbh i have no faith in them, nor pills.
            I feel numb, its like if i were to cut deep, i wouldn't feel it. I'm so so paranoid right now, even as i type this, it feels like "things" are watching me, waiting to hurt me. Demons as you were. Its nasty and i hate it.
I HATE ME. I'm angry, sad, paranoid, depressive, suicidal, all at the same time..i could rip things up, punch walls..and at the same time, cry my eyes out as well as laughing like a mad man. I hate it. I dunno whats wrong with me. I've hardly eaten today, as per usual. i had 6 hash browns for a dinner? and ate like half coz it makes me want to puke whenever i eat. And then i have mother moaning at me "are you starving yourself? do you want to be skin and bone? you look anorexic!" WTF???? EXCUSE ME? I'm not. i have fat on me TAH. So what if you can see ribs, protruding hip bones, collar bones. who cares???? I don't want to change right now. I'm too scared. I'm just at a loss. I can't think without these thoughts entering my head. I need solace.

The end.

Astra x 

Oh Joy!

I feel totally fucking alone. I wanna cut. I wanna binge. 

THE END.

HEAD FUCK.

Ok...so its early, and i'm in an ok mood..when i say "ok" i mean shit. Dunno if im gna be able to see the bf at all this weekend, s will have to wait until next =/..i cannot do that, i NEED to see him. He keeps me sane. And just the thought of not seeing him makes me want to cut. Thats bad right? And clingy?
OH WELL WHO CARES? Me?..
I got a text from a very close friend last night whom i love so very very dearly. She worried me, she going though similar experiences i am, or most of you are. I can't lose anybody else =/ She has no idea what she means to me. I don't even know what i'm saying anymore  to be honest. My head is fucked this morning. I ate a little breakfast, and guess what? Ohhhh! i feel sick again. Why do i bother? ...The simple fact that i do not want people on at me that im skin and bone. I can see my back ribs now. Every bone inside is popping out to say hello. But i don't want to change. I'm simply too scared, I want some stability here! My BMI is like 16? classed as underweight right? WTF. I don't care, why should i? ITS MY BODY. i will do as i wish!

Astra x