Well as before, i'm going to give a quick update before i go away to the BF's for the weekend. And i swear i will not fucking stuff my face when not needed!!! Today is a bad day. The people from the crisis team came round today at 10.30am!! >___> I WANTED SLEEP!! Nothing much came of it, just going through the motions of the last visit " How are you feeling? How are you eating?, You must eat!!" ETC..ETC. NO.
I don't get it? I hate eating because it makes me want to vomit. I get so much urge to just go to the toilet and vomit!. But i don't. I know my body wont gain weight..because my metabolism has always been fast. But these last few months i do not want to eat...I don't want to run the risk of gaining because i don't want chub. My collar bones stick out as it is..and my hip bones are just about visible. And i like it. I want more. I count the calories and everything now. 500cals so far today. I want to be dainty and thin. I love it. I hate being made to eat. I don't want food...but if it's there i'll scoff the lot because i have no self control. But when i do resist i'm so so happy.
I've been thinking a lot lately...maybe 90lbs wouldn't be so bad for me? Lose 2lbs? What do you think? When i look in the mirror i do think..Mmmm, what would i look like at 90lbs? I'm at a loss all over again.
Thoughts are gaining control of my stable state atm. It's horrible.
I did however look up anorexic on youtube. Some of the stuff is frightening. I just wanted to sort of scare myself. Scare myself into eating...it sort of makes you want to eat...people die from this? But sometimes thats how i feel. Whats the point in being here if i cannot be happy? Again its a lose, lose situation. Did you know theres a woman that is just 54lbs? She is literally skin and bone. It's not pretty. I don't want that..i just want to feel beautiful.
Is that what you guys feel too? You just want to be beautiful..but sometimes it's just too much, you just want to give up and scoff your face til you die..because i feel like that..=/ That need to just die. Just because you feel such a failure?
Sorry this had turned out to be a depressing post :( Talk in 2 days
Love you girls.
Astra x
Those youtube videos can be terrifying. I just want to be beautiful, too; but at this point I don't know how to stop. And at the same time, I look at heavier women like Marilyn Monroe and see them as beautiful. :/ I just don't get it sometimes... Ah well!
ReplyDeleteHave an awesome weekend, hun!
xoxoxo
I am sure you are beautiful hun. It is a dangerous road. I always say I'll stop at 110, then 100, then 90... always saying "I don't want to be too boney and gross" but never thinking I'm skinny enough.
ReplyDeleteYou would be fine at 90. 96 is my goal weight. :) Yes, sometimes I just want to give up and be normal. Eat like a normal person, be happy.
ReplyDeleteBut then I realize. Normal isn't what i want. Average isn't what i want.
I want to be exceptional.
That's what you will be if you keep at it. That's what WE will be.
Stay Superstrong! <3
-Molly