Dear oh bloody dear...i'm sort of shitting the last post now, last night was a terrible night for me. I wasn't in a good place yesterday. Stupid head. Thoughts just sort of took over.. :/ I hate it.
So today hasn't really been eventful, i've been in bed all day feeling like poo. But i guess that means when i sleep, hunger goes away! :) Which it did, so it's currently 5pm and all i've eaten today are 4 small pancakes, which are like i dunno,..about 40 cals? So i guess i'm happy with that, just not happy with the fact i feel like a utter skank because i've not washed today due to feeling ill. My excuse is that i'm going grunge for the day! :D Wahay for grunge, love it.
I did text a friend earlier..as i was worried about her...she has an ED..and seems to be struggling at the moment due to people being on her case about everything...i've not heard from her in weeks, and i cannot get hold of her no matter what. Don't know what to do. I need to be worrying about myself, but i can't, i'm the last person on my mind that i'm worried about. Did that just makes sense? Because it didn't to me. LOL. Basically i don't care for myself at all right now. Although i am starting to worry i'm slowly losing contact with the few people i have left...i'm thinking i'm just going to have to tell them about the "thing" over FB or MSN...because lets face it...i'm not going to see anyone for a little while..i don't want people seeing me like this..asking all sorts of questions. Once they know..maybe they will come back to me? If they know that i need them..but then again part of me thinks why bother? the close friends i have already know about the depression part..well some of it. And they don't bother with me even then, so what difference would it make if i told them new things? I dunno..it's like a battle between two minds, in one head. I miss how it used to be. I miss "me"...Even though tbh, i don't even know who "me" actually is anymore.
On a last thought, i have that appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow, kinda bricking it..i don't want to go. I can admit i'm a little scared. I don't want to face my demons head on, it's fucking scary! I have no idea what they will ask, or do, or say. This time tomorrow i will. I'm scared.
Astra x
Hello darling :)
ReplyDeleteStumbled upon your blog.
Lets be friends.
:)
xxx
Keep your chin up--you'll be ok with the psychiatrist!
ReplyDeleteGrunge is awesome.
xoxo
Hi my dear :) Thanks for your words. Reading your last post, I totally agree with you about the piercings, I have this constant impulse to get so many because they hurt so good. The adrenaline rush, at least for me, can last me all night! But I have to control myself so I only have 3, hehe. How many do you have?
ReplyDeleteI feel like you don't need to let your friends in if you don't feel comfortable, but I understand you feeling isolated. I definitely come to these blogs because it reminds me I'm not alone. I know I definitely cannot talk to my friends about this stuff. But you are courageous to do that. Good luck with the psych!
xox