Fuck Everything

Oh my lovelies,

I'm in a sort of fuck everything mood.

Fuck S, fuck life, fuck food, fuck me and fuck everyone that doesn't believe in me.

Everything seems a big blur right now...my mind has gone into over-drive.

I had a "manic" day today..the ones where you have to do EVERYTHING right that minute. And now my mood has once again, plummeted. 

I feel numb. All i can feel is death. Does that make sense? The big looming voice is back.

"Your going to die soon"

I don't know what to do, or think, or say. I hate this, i hate this so much. I wish i could take a million pills and just fall asleep forever.

I feel like over dosing on my Diazepam pills, because they are a sedative, if you do OD, they just send you into a deep coma. It feels very tempting right now. Seriously.

I don't want to cut, i just want to sleep.

I ate like a freaking monster today. I was doing so well, because i'm currently re-decorating my room, then my mum made me stop for lunch and i gorged.

Fat cunting wanker.

I'm sorry....

I love you amazing girls.

Astra x

I Think I Just Poo'ed My Pants.....

Oh my dear girls...

Well, today was an eventful day, as was yesterday!

Lets start with yesterday shall we??? The counselling appointment. Well...that was a barrel of laughs! NOT. It was basically me sitting there complaining that i didn't want to be there..ahahaha!! And her just sitting there listening to me go on, and on..and on! A whole hour!! A whole hour of my time wasted! And it was recorded on a tape..whats the deal with that?

So anyway...by the end of the hour i said this wasn't for me, and i didn't like it..so left without making another appointment. Absolute bull sh*t.

The day wasn't so bad though, i did eventually go to town and see my friend, and went to pizza hut...i had 3 small slices of pizza and some salad ( Must have salad!!!) So i did feel OK :) And then met up with some of her other friends and had a laugh in the kids play park :D Fun times! And then she left, so i was left with a bunch of peoople i didn't really know..it was cool though, we went round the Art museum and just took the pee out of everything...hehe. Turned out to be a good night!

Until C txted me saying he had been taken back into the psych ward because he tried to kill himself....i seriously can't deal with that right now..like i said before, it's hard enough trying to keep myself safe, let alone trying to keep him safe too...he said he needed me and stuff..and yes maybe he does, but i can't be there for him right now, i have too much going on, i know that sounds harsh, but i just can't deal with someone else being suicidal too.

And now on to today......

FUCK.SHIT.FUCK.

I had to go to the hospital to see the main psychiatrist, like, the one who's in charge of all the others, if that makes sense? The big boss lady haha.

Jesus christ....it was like being put on trial! A big room with two chairs, sat opposite eachother, and that was all. And then she asked literally EVERYTHING about my life. I had to tell her EVERYTHING ( Apart from the eating bits) although she did say i was majorly under weight and was worried about that...but anyway!....She asked about all the other times i had felt depressed, what pills i had been on, about the time i OD'ed, about my cutting, if i had made plans for my funeral, suicide notes, if i could keep myself safe, panic attacks, hearing voices in my head..EVERYTHING!!! She knew more about my life than i did! She had this huge file about me. And when she asked me if there was any family history of depression and mental illness, i laughed. Because...there's ALOT! Cousin has bipolar, other cousin was anorexic, dad was a depressive, and then there is the long line of suicides dating back in the family for generations!...To be honest, it was inevitable that i was going to end up a little fucked in the head! The whole bloody family is mentally unstable!

So then...she asks my mum to come in and talk to her...and she brings up all the times i've been erratic! As if i'm a crazy person...thanks.. -___-

So then the psychiatrist, comes to the conclusion, i'm bipolar..or have a VERY unstable severe depression, which could be very dangerous..and suggests i stay as an in-patient!!!!!!!!!

MY STOMACH LITERALLY FLIPPED!!!!

No way in hell was i staying in there!!!

So i had to literally promise i would not cut or attempt suicide and eat properly, or she would take further action. So of course i was going to go, " oh yes, course i wont! i'll eat properly!"

Of course i was going to say that, you would say literally anything to get out of staying in there!

I felt physically sick! I just wanted to run out of there screaming!

So now, i'm safe at home, after being given a ton of pills! More anti's and a ton of pills to stop my "erratic behaviour"  She even said, if these pills don't work, she wants to put me on LITHIUM! Thats like...a MAJOR drug. I feel like a drug addict! I could literally go off and sell these pills there are so many! hahaha! 

So now i have to wait for her to ring to make another appointment.

Until then i must not cut, attempt suicide again and eat properly.........YEAH OK! Cutting is the only thing that makes me feel alive! Does that make sense???

I hope you all had a less scarier day than me!

Astra x

This Will Never Work

Evening lovelies,

Well, i went to stay with S in the end....and had sex....i know!!! I shouldn't have, but the moment got hold of me and it happened...we had a wonderful first day together, had a drive, went back to his and snuggled up in front of the TV..kissed...and then it just progressed...it was AMAZING. To be touched, wanted, loved even. He just made my heart pump  so fast! It was so intense, wonderful. And damn...my thighs were aching afterwards! ;) 

I can't deny it any longer..i still love him.

I tried my hardest not to develop my feelings anymore...but i couldn't help it..whilst we were lying in bed, he told me he still loved me...and just for an hour..i forgot all my problems, forgot the tensions between us and just embraced it, and him.

He told me i was beautiful, sexy, gorgeous.

But i can't let myself get so involved again, can i? When i know deep down that we can't be together right now..or..maybe even for a while. My paranoia is still there "who's he txting? Has he got pictures of other girls on his computer? Is he seeing someone else?" It's all still there. I still can't trust him. But yet, he still means everything to me. And now we aren't together again, now i'm back home...i'm craving his touch all over again. It's all out of control again. I let my feelings take hold.

I don't even know when i can see him again because i have so many fucking counselling appointmnts to go to which i specifically told the doctor i didn't want! And hospital appointments....Plus i have to pick up a new medical cetificate soon, so i can still get my benefit money....I have to see him again. 

God, why have i let this happen again?

And i have a counselling appointment tomorrow morning....

I don't want to go..i don't ant to talk about my feelings, how i feel like dying, how cutting makes me feel better...i don't want it! It makes me feel 100x worse! Why can't they understand that?

I feel so empty again. Lost and alone.

My friend invited me out tomorrow too...to pizza hut. JOY. Means eating a ton of food.....what do i do? I can't stand putting on this fake smile anymore, pretending everything is OK, pretending i'm happy.

I CAN'T DO IT!!

All i want is to curl up in a ball and fall asleep. Forever. Or at least now...be with S.

And you know the other thing??? I was doing so well with calories today. Until i caved and ate a fucking pizza. Well over 1000 calories today. Blehhh.

Astra x

"I've Already Given Up On You"

Hello beautiful people,

It's true isn't it, thin will never be enough..no matter how low we go, it will never be good enough. And it hurts, so bad. We try so hard to be "perfect"...but nothing is ever good enough for ourselves, we torture, hurt and slowly kill ourselves because we hate ourselves so much....

Today was an ok day, food wise, the little voice in my head wasn't there telling me not to eat..so today...i ate like a normal person, 3 meals! And snacks. This is why i don't think i have an ED because some days i can go without that little voice. I don't know....so why at this moment in time, as i type this to you, has the voice come back? After a whole day without it! After it's too late and the calories are consumed, it tells me.

"You've done it again, eaten too much! Now you feel sick and depressed, because your belly is bulging from all that food you ate"

Why now??!! Why couldn't you of told me earlier???

I simply do not get it.

And today has been a shit day depression wise aswell. I spent the day cleaning the house to try and take the thoughts away, but once the cleaning is done, it all comes back.

S has let me down AGAIN. Now he says i can't see him. Why did i let my emotions get hold again? Why did i build my hopes up again? WHY WHY WHY!!!! I'm so stupid!

I hate myself so much today. I can't even look in the mirror. All suicidal thoughts are coming back. The thoughts of cutting. Fuck my life! I am so goddamn miserable.

C is now on my case to, demanding i see him because he is feeling "low" too.....I can't do it! If i can't even look after myself, how does he expect me to care for him too? I can barely keep myself alive. I can't save him too. I just wish i could close my eyes and not wake up.

I pray for the day that i die, i actually do. So maybe, if there is a God, he will answer my prayer.

Fucking kill me now. I can't do this right now, i'm simply too low.

I feel like i'm in a bubble, and i'm screaming out, but no one can hear me. I'm all alone.

I love you, thankyou for your continued support, i don't know where i would be without you.

Astra x


UPDATE: S now wants me to go back home with him tomorrow......god i can't keep up with this!

I Don't Think I Have A Life Anymore!

Beauty's!

Well...today started off as a good day......

And then i got so angry and upset i thought i could actually explode.

As you know...my dad took his life a year ago now....and i'm trying to re-build my life, and get over the initial shock and upset. Get bereavement counselling and stuff....

Then my Grandma rings up (My dad's mum)...and tells me that yesterday the fucking newspaper wrote ANOTHER new article about him and the death. Personal details about him...toxicology report info, how he did it, how he was suffering with mental problems for years, how he was an alcoholic, how he was on pills....EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!! All PERSONAL INFORMATION!!!

Why the FUCK would they put ANOTHER article about him a fucking year after his death???!!!!

I told my grandma that when i see her tomorrow, i want to read it. And then i'm going to ring the fucking newspaper and tell them EXACTLY what i think of them scumbags.

I'm trying my best to carry on with my life, and not go out and fucking end it all. Because to be honest, thats exactly what i want to do, day in, day out. Everyday, it's at the back of my mind.

"Is today the day? Shall i do it today?  Will anyone notice if i slip out?"

And then the newspaper does this.....

And sends me into meltdown. When i finally think i might be winning, i go back 10 steps again.

Journalists are SICK FUCKS.

It's been a fucking year, just leave him alone now!!

And to be honest. Most of what they have written are lies!

Now everyone that read it is going to think he was a drunken mad man. When he wasn't!

It makes me feel sick.

All he wanted to do was escape from this sick twisted world. And i understand why! He took his life to be free.

So...just for the record...

I HATE JOURNALISTS.

I love you,

Astra x 

Trust No One.

Hello beautiful ladies,

Can i just say, before i start, THANKYOU. To each and everyone of you...i would list names, but it would take a while! So to all of you..thankyou for all your support. It really does mean so so much x

Another day without cutting! It's a miracle i tell you! I am so suprised at myself i have managed nearly a week without cutting. It sounds pathetic...doesn't it?

And one more day of eating less than 1000 calories!

SUCCESS!?

So, i guess the title of this post rings true, to me anyway, trust no one. Because in real life, you can't. Not anybody, but yourself...and even then, sometimes it is hard to trust your own instincts. A couple of days ago, i told  friend about the situation with C and S. And vowed her never to tell a word to anybody, because it would simply ruin my life if it came out. And guess what?? I get a text from C today demanding to know what was going on!!!!!!!! So i acted as if i hadn't a clue what he was on about, and how my friend must of got the wrong end of the stick...luckily it worked, and he believed me. But my god!!!! The one person who i thought i could trust...i can't.

So from now on, i tell nobody ANYTHING!!! (Apart from on here)

I'm trying to re-build my social life and friendships again...starting off texting a whole bunch of people...it's hard work trying to re-build things when you just want to die. And be invisible. I'm just thinking...i'm such a loner...i used to be popular! Used to get invited everywhere to everything...now i'm all alone. I didn't realise i had such fake friends. It's my birthday in a few months...i don't want to be alone for it....I just can't be bothered to try at the moment...i'm texting my "friends"...but just making excuses not to meet up...simply because i don't want to...nobody knows anything about my mental state or eating habits and feelings..because like i said before...i trust no one. ( Apart from 1 friend who knows about all this) How sad is that?

I feel like i just want to run away, from everyone, including myself, and start fresh, somewhere new and exciting. Or just give up completely. Not much of a choice is there? I actually have no life anymore. I'm flitting between 2 guys, neither of which i'm even sure i love anymore...and i've lost all my friends....i can't trust anybody, and my mental state is just gaga at the moment. I feel like i've lost EVERYTHING, and i'm simply a shadow of who i used to be. I look like a child, because of my body, and the way it's just stopped growing, but i can't eat....because i don't want to...i have scars all the way up my arm, and i look a mess. I used to take pride in my appearence everyday. Now it's just a chore to brush my teeth. I'm useless!

Alone and useless.

I love you.

Astra x

New Blog Look :)

So, do you like the new look???

I got bored :)

( i have kept the old look HTML just incase i change my mind again though!)

Anyway..........

BINGE BINGE BINGE

That's what today has been!! Fucking useless i am. I've eaten a shed load of food today, don't ask why! because quite frankly i don't know! Stress?

12873764478 calories consumed today!

Today has again been....ssllloooowwwww..so done nothing at all! Had a lovely relaxing bath, as hot as lava! In an attempt to get the circulation back in my feet and legs, i have really bad circulation! I have heard weight can effect blood circulation?

But i've always been like it, my feet, legs and hands are either stone cold, or sweating and hot...god sake!! isn't there an inbetween???

In other news, i haven't cut in days! It's a miracle. My cuts are finally starting to heal.....but.....there is another reason why i don't want to cut for a while.....DON'T KILL ME OK???

I agreed to meet S next friday.....

He kept txting me saying he was missing me etc....so i gave in and said we could see eachother Friday. I'm not even sure why i agreed...i don't know whats going on with us...we aren't going out...but still all lovely dovey txting and shit, and after Friday, i have no idea when i will see him again. I'm SO CONFUSED!!!!!!!!!!!

And then there is C....i'm being lovey dovey with him too....and we aren't going out either. So it's not cheating...and they both know the score, which is that, i don't know what i want right now...( but they don't know about eachother) EEP.

Is that slutty of me? We aren't having sex or anything, just cuddling and stuff :(

I need food. 

FUCK OFF NO I DON'T!!!!

I'm officially a binging monster with no self esteem.

Astra x 

(Thin) Pictures ?

PICTURES HAVE NOW BEEN REMOVED FOR PRIVACY :)

Well, as promised, here is me!

Not much to report today

Intake: 1000 cals.

Hope you amazing girls are OK today!!

Because i know i'm not. ( As per usual) I loved being ignored and forgotten by the ones who are supposed to be my friends...no one has even bothered asking how i am recently, apart from you girls, all my "friends" seem to have forgotten me. This just makes me more determined to throw myself into getting thinner. But then i think, why bother? When no one is around to see it. I feel totally lost again...and just bloody binged on a 210 cal chocolate bar....joy!!

Astra x

Oh Look, It's The Girl With The Fake Smile...

Hello beautiful girls,

First off, thankyou for all your wonderful comments in my last post. It all helped, your ALL amazing people.

Sorry i have been a bit quiet recently, i just feel i haven't had anything worth saying, or anything interesting anyway :(

My last post was very depressing....and i ended up ( in a moment of complete mental agony) telling my mum that i wanted to die, and i could feel death creeping up on me, slowly killing me from the inside. Don't ask me why i told her...because i now know it was a BIG mistake.

She just kept saying how i was scaring her, because i had no emotion in my face when i told her i WANTED to die, and that i would embrace it. She kept saying that i needed more help and stuff, and that if i die, she will too.

But it's all true.

I can feel myself actually DYING. I'm not sure how to explain it.

It's like an outside feeling, that something is telling me my time is going to be over soon, and i can actually feel it. I feel like my insides are slowly shutting down, preparing my body for death...it sounds creepy...but it's true, my mind is starting to actually give up on life, i feel sometimes, i'm totally zoning out of everything.

Death, to me, is a comfort, an escape, a way out of this hell.

Like some kind of terrifying security blanket.

I haven't eaten a lot since i last posted,  and i can now see my ribs properly without having to suck in. So i must be losing. I actually have no coping skills though, every little tiny thing that goes wrong, i freak out. Have a panic attack or go off on an enormous mental rage of self hate. I was meant to pick up my next box of pills today..but didn't, right now i just don't see the point.

I'm seeing C tomorrow...maybe he will cheer me up....because i now know, for sure, after another long convo over txt with S...i NEED to forget him.

Astra x

P.S: I might post pictures of myself soon, what do you think? 

Dead On The Inside

Beautifuls,

Do you ever feel like your dying?

Like, you know your life might be coming to an end soon, like a premonition. Or it was spoken to you in a dream?

Because i feel like this, like, my life is going to end, something will happen and i'll die.

I can't explain how it feels....

For the last 5 days or so, i dream, i think, and actually SEE my death..i've planned what to do, where to go, who to leave notes for saying my goodbyes. It's all done.

I want it to be quick and painless...so, the only way that is going to happen is by train.

Just jump in front of it! Or lay on the tracks and wait.

It wouldn't be pretty and i'd probably splatter everywhere...which isn't what i want..but i just can't think of any other way, unless i can get hold of a gun.

I wanted to die with my body intact...but throwing myself under a train won't leave me like that. I need a gun. Simple shot through the heart and i'd be gone.

It's scary to think...but..i just know..if someone handed me a gun and said, there you go, now shoot it. I would. I would actually kill myself.

From quite young i was a little obsessed with researching dead people..like for example, Getting really in depth with Jack the ripper murders and stuff...knowing how they died..getting ideas for my own death..or Marylin Monroe, just overdosed on sleeping pills...how easy is that?

I just feel like i'm going to die soon, i'm slowly starving myself as it is..so hopefully that will take effect soon?

I'm eating less and less everyday, and it's getting easier.

I just want this to end. Now.

I hate myself, i hate my life, and i hate everything i stand for.

I need this to end, i wasn't meant to die old, my life was meant to be short.

Every second generation on my dads side of the family died young, either through suicide or some other self inflicted thing. And now it's my turn....my dad died young..only 45, he threw himself under a train, committed suicide, because he was severly depressed too, it'll be a year since his death on Tuesday, but now maybe it's my turn to die. Because i don't want to live this life. Not like this, not anymore.

Astra x

I Did It Again...

Hey girlys,

Ok...this post is either going to sound pathetic..or clever...But before i get to that bit..i have to admit something, i'm not proud of...

Last night, again, i cut really bad...my arm is now more cuts and scabs, than skin..

I couldn't help myself..i just got so upset and angry last night, mainly because i was doing so well with food...and then at the last minute gave in..and stuffed my face.

Probably ended yesterday on 1000 cals.

FUCK.

But....today however i cunningly asked C how to do proper sit ups, to tone my abs...(Coz he goes down the gym regular, so he knows this stuff) he didn't have a clue of my real intentions for asking! haha. We went for a walk today in the woods, and talked...was kinda nice i guess..but i do feel a little awkward though, seeing as i still don't know what i want... 

OK...so onto the bit thats either going to sound pathetic or clever...

S asked what i was doing tonight....i lied and said i'm out with mates having fun...then he asks if i'm with guys and starts getting really pissy and jealous...so i say yes..and make up a whole story about getting attention and stuff..to make him jealous, so it looks like i'm not moping around after him...

Is that pathetic?????

When actually, i'm sitting here typing this to you..... haha.

I just don't want him thinking i'm still crying over him...even though now he wont talk to me because "i'm out with guys" We aren't even together? And he was the one who screwed up!

I might just become lesbian...what do you think? hahahahah!

Astra x

Fragile And Frail

Evening my loves,

I guess the title of the post, best describes how i feel right now.

Fragile because my head is just totally messed up, more so than yesterday.

And Frail, because i feel it, all i've eaten all day is a few bites of cereal, and it's now 9.20pm

How many calories is that?? Hardly any i think.

Everytime i eat i feel like i'm going to throw up, every single piece of food in the world makes me feel sick, even to think about it.

My mum cottened on to the fact i haven't been eating for days. and questioned it. i simply shrugged it off and said i haven't been feeling well, which TECHNICALLY isn't a lie. Because i haven't. i just don't feel like eating..ever! i swear this is the skinniest i have been in a while, i can't say for sure though because we don't own scales...BUM!!

But my skinny jeans which are a UK 6 so i think thats size 4 in America? Not sure. Are actually becoming loose! And everything else just sort of hangs on me.

I'm not even sure i like it. I mean, what am i even saying??? This is what i worked for, now i'm debating whether i like it or not????

What the hell is wrong with me?

I feel really light headed :(

My mum also found out about my cutting....she just sort of came into my room while i was in my bra and jeans and saw...she hasn't mentioned it since though. But keeps saying i should go to the doctors again about my weight. I THINK NOT.

I also saw my other ex today, lets call him C. His the one i dumped S for.

He rode up to mine on his bike to see how i was..because i told him i felt awful, and we just kinda hugged outside and talked. I'm not even sure if i love him anymore or it's just comfort feelings because we know eachother inside out. And plus i can't stop thinking about S.

I'm such a confused mess it's unreal. i can't think straight. I think it's the lack of food...i mean i do kind of want something small to eat..but i know it'll only make me feel worse afterwards. My stomach feels nauseous.

And you know one of the bad things about losing weight???

BOOBS!!!

I actually have no boobs anymore. I can barely fit into a size 32A. Sexy....

Again, thankyou for all your support. Your all amazing.

Astra x 

"There's A Comfort In Being Sad" I Can't Handle This Anymore.

Hello, hello, hello!

NEW FOLLOWERS HELLO!!

I apoligise if i have not followed back, but i am so confused with who i'm already following and who i'm not.

Just tell me if i need to follow you! :)

I don't bite ^^

And would also like to say thankyou for the comments <3

They do mean a lot, all your support does x

 

Well.........i don't really have much to write about at the moment....

Today has been a slow day, a sad, slow day.

Maybe about 600 calories consumed today?

Thing is....earlier my mum came home with a bunch load of doughnuts, cakes and fizz!

I CANNOT resist this.

They have been sitting in the kitchen for hours.....waiting.....waiting... o.O

I'm tending not to count calories, unless i feel i really have to, because i think i'm getting to the weight i want. When i lay down straight, i can feel my stomach con-caving and i can feel my ribs!

It's wonderful.

Don't get me wrong...i still completely hate myself...but, thats a start right?

It's getting so easy not to eat now, it's a little scary.

I think my self control is coming back, bit by bit.

The depression wasn't so bad today, simply because perhaps i haven't looked in the mirror all day.

Like i said, i haven't really got anything exciting to say :(

I'm sorry, i'll write again once something happens???

Astra x


UPDATE: 
FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
S and i were txting earlier, talking about trying again...and that he still loved me. 
Now i find out his been talking with his mate about a party, and saying how his met this "stunning girl" on his college course, and going on about how he wants "chicks" coz he wants to get laid.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel horrible....
I want to cut. I want to purge. I want to die.
I can't handle anymore bad stuff...i just can't. 
My heart is ripped in two.
I HATE love i fucking hate it!
I can't handle feeling this low anymore.

I HATE MYSELF. 
 

You'd Do Anything For Love?

Hello beautys,

Well, last night wasn't fun at all....

After i wrote my last post, S and i started talking again, because he wouldn't stop txting.

BIG MISTAKE.

Shouting match, after shouting match.

Til in the end he said he was finally "done with me"

The guy i love, said he was done with me...

And so....i lost it...i grabbed the blade in my room and cut as hard and deep as i could... over and over again, until well...there was no room left to cut anymore...

And now i have deep cuts all over my arm. kind of got worried when my entire arm went numb and my veins started bulging though....it's ok now though.

And then i started being sick for no reason? I think it may of just been stress, coz i was getting chest pains with it..no need for purging then!..guess thats one good thing?

I'm just so lost and scared right now, i feel so alone. i've got to somehow hide my arm until it heals too...god knows how i'm gonna do that.

I feel like totally giving up.

My friends have pretty much given up on me, i spend all day everyday indoors because i'm too scred to go outside and i'm losing the guy i loved....love.

All in my diary, it's just DIE DIE DIE. I HATE YOU. Just because thats all i feel right now inside.

Sorry for the depressing post...

Astra x

Please Don't Leave Me....

Hello ladies,

OK, so right now, as i type this, my whole life s falling apart before my very eyes. I feel nauseous. 

Sick to my stomach.

 I should firstly explain in the very basics, of whats been going on in the last 8 months, i say, "basics" because other wise we will be here for days.

1. Remember S? The guy i dumped my other BF for? Well, me and him went out for 7 months..it was all perfect, until i started getting paranoid, we started only seeing eachother every 2 weeks, which made it worse, because i thought he was seeing someone else in that time, which to be honest..i suspected him of...then we started to argue and get in huge fights..because " i was tearing us apart" with my depression. He told me to GET A GRIP!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF! and that he couldn't handle my moods anymore...so i dumped him....we have been apart for a month now. But then we started talking again, trying to work things out...but tonight came to the crunch. The final argument to end all arguments. He went back on everything he ever said to me. Lied to my face. believed a lying bitch over me. ( i wont go into that, but basically she stirred it all, and he believes her over me) And blamed me for it all??? When i did nothing.  And in the month we have been apart, after saying " i love you, i want you back" blah blah.....i find his been chatting up other girls....... THATS IT NOW. IT'S OVER. I NEVER WANT TO HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN. HE BROKE MY HEART!! He told me he would never give up on me..and he has..And thats all i need when i feel like this. ( I'll explain later)

2. moving onto 2!....The ex that i dumped S for, wants to be back in my life? I know....what do i do? His trying hard to get me back, so we have been meeting up and stuff, hugging..i dunno? Maybe?

3. I passed my college course....something good right? But now, because of me feeling like this...i've been signed off by my doctor from looking for work..so i'm living off £53 a week, from the government. That money is barely enough to scrape by on. But it has to be this way for a while...so i might as well move on to telling you girls whats been going on in my head again?

 Well...

Over the last 4 or so months...my moods started to deteriorate again, i didn't even notice...it started off with mood swings, depressive thoughts, low self esteem...then suddenly esculated into cutting frequently, suicidal thoughts...isolating myself away from literally everyone.

And now i'm back here again. 

-Cutting

-Suicidal

-Making plans for my own funeral

-Making plans for my own death

-Writing suicide notes, saying goodbye to people.

Seeing a psychiatrist again.

-Back on pills.

-No friends

-Isolated from everyone..simply because when i go outside i have panic attacks..or lose control  and don't come home.

And lastly...i've stopped eating again. And i love it. The control, the dizziness, all the feelings of accomplishment. I weigh about 90lbs now. Just through eating around 500 cals a day or less. It's so easy not to eat! And it's the only thing that makes me feel a little happier. I can't stop. I'm a train wreck, and i just can't stop. 

Astra x 

I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HELLO LADIES!!!!!!!!! :)

I finally am back. After what? a whole year?? I dunno..but it feels good :)
I've missed ALL of you so so much.
There were many reasons for me to stop blogging...

1. I felt better, and then ended up blurting out to my mum about this blog. So she banned me and watched my every move.

2. I FORGOT MY PASSWORD AND EMAIL!!! Duhh....

But now, here i am, writing again.

So much has changed. Too much to write about, i'll tell you in my next post? As this post was  just to say, hello :) (again) And, i hope i'm welcomed back :( .....i need you girls...i am a complete mess. I relapsed and bad. I need to  catch up on all your blogs don't i? This may take a while...so if you comment, please gimme a brief history of what i've missed???

I love you. I'm never leaving again.

PROMISE

Astra x