Oh my dear girls...
Well, today was an eventful day, as was yesterday!
Lets start with yesterday shall we??? The counselling appointment. Well...that was a barrel of laughs! NOT. It was basically me sitting there complaining that i didn't want to be there..ahahaha!! And her just sitting there listening to me go on, and on..and on! A whole hour!! A whole hour of my time wasted! And it was recorded on a tape..whats the deal with that?
So anyway...by the end of the hour i said this wasn't for me, and i didn't like it..so left without making another appointment. Absolute bull sh*t.
The day wasn't so bad though, i did eventually go to town and see my friend, and went to pizza hut...i had 3 small slices of pizza and some salad ( Must have salad!!!) So i did feel OK :) And then met up with some of her other friends and had a laugh in the kids play park :D Fun times! And then she left, so i was left with a bunch of peoople i didn't really know..it was cool though, we went round the Art museum and just took the pee out of everything...hehe. Turned out to be a good night!
Until C txted me saying he had been taken back into the psych ward because he tried to kill himself....i seriously can't deal with that right now..like i said before, it's hard enough trying to keep myself safe, let alone trying to keep him safe too...he said he needed me and stuff..and yes maybe he does, but i can't be there for him right now, i have too much going on, i know that sounds harsh, but i just can't deal with someone else being suicidal too.
And now on to today......
FUCK.SHIT.FUCK.
I had to go to the hospital to see the main psychiatrist, like, the one who's in charge of all the others, if that makes sense? The big boss lady haha.
Jesus christ....it was like being put on trial! A big room with two chairs, sat opposite eachother, and that was all. And then she asked literally EVERYTHING about my life. I had to tell her EVERYTHING ( Apart from the eating bits) although she did say i was majorly under weight and was worried about that...but anyway!....She asked about all the other times i had felt depressed, what pills i had been on, about the time i OD'ed, about my cutting, if i had made plans for my funeral, suicide notes, if i could keep myself safe, panic attacks, hearing voices in my head..EVERYTHING!!! She knew more about my life than i did! She had this huge file about me. And when she asked me if there was any family history of depression and mental illness, i laughed. Because...there's ALOT! Cousin has bipolar, other cousin was anorexic, dad was a depressive, and then there is the long line of suicides dating back in the family for generations!...To be honest, it was inevitable that i was going to end up a little fucked in the head! The whole bloody family is mentally unstable!
So then...she asks my mum to come in and talk to her...and she brings up all the times i've been erratic! As if i'm a crazy person...thanks.. -___-
So then the psychiatrist, comes to the conclusion, i'm bipolar..or have a VERY unstable severe depression, which could be very dangerous..and suggests i stay as an in-patient!!!!!!!!!
MY STOMACH LITERALLY FLIPPED!!!!
No way in hell was i staying in there!!!
So i had to literally promise i would not cut or attempt suicide and eat properly, or she would take further action. So of course i was going to go, " oh yes, course i wont! i'll eat properly!"
Of course i was going to say that, you would say literally anything to get out of staying in there!
I felt physically sick! I just wanted to run out of there screaming!
So now, i'm safe at home, after being given a ton of pills! More anti's and a ton of pills to stop my "erratic behaviour" She even said, if these pills don't work, she wants to put me on LITHIUM! Thats like...a MAJOR drug. I feel like a drug addict! I could literally go off and sell these pills there are so many! hahaha!
So now i have to wait for her to ring to make another appointment.
Until then i must not cut, attempt suicide again and eat properly.........YEAH OK! Cutting is the only thing that makes me feel alive! Does that make sense???
I hope you all had a less scarier day than me!
Astra x
I'm sorry it was so scary today.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm glad there are people trying to help you.
Be strong beautiful. I believe in you x x
I'm so sorry about your friend C, and you are so brave for putting up with everything today. I hope things get less scary for you, love <3
ReplyDeleteI completely agree that cutting makes you feel alive! You are amazing for managing to get through all of that! I either would have started screaming or break down crying.
ReplyDeleteYou are stronger then all of this and you can do it.
we all believe in you ♥
Sorry about C, but you're right in sticking to your guns on that one--you have enough to worry about with yourself! The psychs can be a pain, but hopefully you've got some good ones who can actually help. My aunt is bipolar and it took her YEARS before she really started trying to find a good therapist and a good drug regimen, but now she's doing great, so there's definitely hope!
ReplyDeleteLuv u. <3
xoxox
what a packed few days! ugh doctors. I hope everything works out though, I know what you mean about the cutting for sure. Your so strong for getting through all that and your right for looking after your self first. Hugs :)
ReplyDeleteThat sounds... I feel sort of scared just reading that. The psych doctors scare me a lot more than regular doctors as weird as that sounds.
ReplyDeleteSorry about C, but I totally understand what you mean. Taking care of your own crap is hard enough without having other peoples to deal with.
The cutting thing makes perfect sense to me. For me, self harm as always been about making myself feel the pain on the outside that I feel on the inside. It does make you feel alive when the ED and things make you feel pretty much dead.
xxxxx
Sorry to hear about all the appointment crap. Trust me, two hospitalizations are zero fun, and doctors suck, a lot. Hate to stay an impatient for almost a month once -____- I hope everything turns out well for you :) I'm rooting for you!
ReplyDelete