I'm not really sure how to start this....i can barely type actually, i feel rather uncoordinated tonight. Fingers are going all over the keyboard.
For the last two weeks or so, i have felt...not myself? Odd.
I feel like i've slipped back in some ways.
For example:
I've come close on many occasions, and given in a few times to cutting. Not like i used to, just superficially. Just enough.
I feel erratic. I want to do crazy things, most of which will get me in trouble.
I'm also, total contradiction to the above, always so tired. To the point where, embarrassingly, i'll sleep in until 1pm.
And most of all, scariest of all, thoughts have entered my head of food again. I tested it out, i restricted the whole day, up until dinner...but until that point, i felt....better. Of course now, all my self control from years back has gone out of the window. Like i say, i managed up until dinner...then spaghetti bolognese was put in front of me and i ate the whole damn meal. Safe to say, my mood plummeted.
I just don't feel like me.
B and i aren't working out as i had imagined we would for the last six years....but i can't part from him, not now, i simply would not cope, and 100% sure i would actually go through with past suicide plans...dramatic but true. I couldn't live without him, not now. I wouldn't know how. Not after six years of him being in my life, being my rock, through everything.
I feel like...he's not attracted to me anymore, suddenly.
Things have changed in a way i can't explain...just a bad atmosphere i guess?
He denies everything. I've tried talking.
But as for me, i'm bored.
Bored of my life, it's just triggering erratic thoughts.
And with new therapy about to start, this is the worst possible time.
I just want to do wild shit.
But i can't, because i would lose the ones i love.
It's beyond frustrating, my whole life right now is one big contradiction.
I want the best of both worlds, the safe, loving one and the wild dangerous one.
