Let's Shut The World Out And Smile

I'm sorry i've been neglecting blogger! And all you beautiful people!

So...the last time i was on here..me and S had a big argument that ended in us almost breaking up...which lead to me slicing up my wrists and telling him to leave me alone because i wanted to die, oh yeah and hallucinating..which obviously freaked him out...i told him i was going to kill myself..and i was, i couldn't ever live without him, not now, and i got pills ready to take..but he kept calling me and calling me til i answered and in the end i calmed down, after blubbering on the phone for ages telling him i "can't do this anymore" and shit coz i was in a right ol' state and wasn't thinking. It all sort of poured out...all i kept saying over and over was that i wanted to die. Which then lead to him saying " oh, well i thought you were meant to support me, and your not doing that by dying". Which was a bit off? I know he feels slightly suicidal...but not to the point that he was actually going to kill himself...because i was, i was ready to die. But obviously i can't even do that right because i'm still here! I feel such a failure for not dying.

I've even neglected doing my exercises because i feel so unmotivated...bleh.

I feel numb again..all i got from being so depressed and psycho that day was more cuts...and a bf who thinks i'm stupid. So now i have to wait for them to heal up before i can show my arms again..joy!

I need solace!!!

I'm thinking i'm going to get a tattoo on my forearm to cover my cuts and scars?

But what shall i get?? Any ideas??

Also, tomorrow i am going to meet a few friends :) So that should be good! RETAIL THERAPY!!! YAY.

I got a bunch of money today!! Because the government owed me it, because i'm on disability benefits and stuff, because i'm still too ill to work =/

No one would employ a suicidal maniac would they? haha.

Which reminds me i have to chase up this psychological therapy i'm supposed to get, and bereavement counselling...hmmm. AND go to the bloody doctors for more bloody pills as i'm running out...gah. Hopefully she wont suggest any other pills! I'm already on 5 pills a day -____-

My little Nancy is doing well though :D

She jumps around her cage all the time! I have a happy lil piggy!

Astra x

Runaway...

Dear beauties,

So a couple of nights ago, i cut bad.

Now my arm is covered with deep slashes, so i guess thats another month of covering up!

All i want to do right now is pack my bags and run away somewhere, away from my problems, away from my mind.

Somewhere picturesque and beautiful.

Where the trees sway in the warm wind, where everything is colourful, the flowers bloom and the sun shines.

Somewhere in my mind that beautiful place hides away.

I just want out of this darkness.
I feel like i need to run a million miles and scream.

S is now on anti depressants too...he keeps talking to me about suicide and how he wants to die and shit...so now i have to worry about him too...it's so hard telling him to keep strong and how he can beat this, while all along i feel like a complete hypocrite.

He keeps going on about moving in together too...so i don't really understand why he wants to die..and move in together?

Anywho..it's got me thinking that i need to find a job...even though i wouldn't be able to handle a job right now seeing as i'm still cutting and shit..but i feel like i have to push myself or i'll get no where?

I've been at the same place in my life for far too long.

But at the same time i don't feel ready to move on...

I dunno where i'm at...

I'm such a mess at the moment i can't think straight.

My face is covered with acne now too, so thats a confidence breaker...i feel like shit!

Anybody know any good acne creams?

I've also been doing my abdominal crunches :) So hopefully i can get a little six pack going!

I've done well with food today, i hardly ate anything til dinner, so id guess maybe 1000 cal or less today?

I need to loose this weight i've put on, i want my ribs back. I kept pulling at my fat today thinking how fat i look in the mirror. But i will get control back!!! I have to.

Astra x

Going Round In Circles

Hello darlings,

So my birthday went so so lovely

My grandparents came up to give me my presents ( 2 wolf statues) as they are my favourite animal and some money, then S came up and met them, which was nice.

We went out for dinner on him. And he bought me a guinea pig, which is now called Nancy :) After Sid and Nancy :)

She's a punk guinea pig haha. She's the cutest thing ever, very nervous though..but then again she is only 6 weeks old.

And then we just snuggled and watched films.

It was lovely, and things were finally going well, and i was happy.

And within a day, things have been wrecked. And i'm sat here contemplating another OD.

Something has to give.

I can't be bothered to go into it...but basically i can't see S for a very long time now, as he has no way of getting up to me. After things were going smoothly, and we were finally seeing eachother on a regular basis. It has all gone tits up. I'm gna be alone forever.

Now his off into a depressive mode. He kept talking to me about suicide. ME?! Why me?? I can't take it....I can't take talking about suicide.
Whatever i tell him at the moment is wrong, nothing i say is right...i can't communicate with him when his like this..

His going to the doctors tomorrow because he thinks he has depression too. I hope he doesn't...i wouldn't wish this on anyone....well, with some exceptions.

So now i have to be alone for months and months.

I cba with life all over again..i feel suicidal myself. I haven't felt this way in ages...but the slightest thing to ruin my happiness and i'm back to square one. So really..i haven't progressed at all.

I just want to feel numb. It's either OD or cut. Fuck everything.

I'm in such a horrible mood, i can't even cry because there is nothing left.

So basically, i'm flat broke, no bf to lean on, ugly, fat and alone.

All i have is my guinea pig...how sad is that.

I can't stand this pain much more. Not again, when things were finally looking up. I knew this happiness wouldn't last.

Astra x

Birthday Blues

Dear beauties,

So my birthday outing went lovely!

A lot of people turned up and we hit the town :)

And...i didn't get drunk! WOW.

My feet were hurting soooo badly by the end of the night, dancing away, forgetting all my worries :)

It was a let go of all stresses night.

So i realised maybe, just maybe...i do have friends. And maybe...people do want to know me?

I did end up drinking quite a lot...but amazingly didn't get even tipsey! 

I got a lovely necklace and body stuff from one friend and a funky purse from the other.

Took sooo many pictures :)

And now...it's my birthday tomorrow...

S is supposed to be coming round, as well as my grandparents...S doesn't know they are coming too, or he wont come up...i swear he has social anxiety...

Then he might take me out to buy my pressie or something? Sounds nice me thinks!

I've been stressing all day though about tomorrow and i'm not even sure why....i guess the voices in my head had something to do with it..they made a triumphant return today. So today has been crap basically. But right now i'm feeling ok, after a long soak to think about things.

And i'm doing amazingly well with food today!

I only had a small breakfast bar for breakfast, and some chicken, i ended up skipping dinner too :)

So hardly any calories today!

And yes....i know i've said in previous posts i'm going to try to eat normally..but today the voices took over, and i just wanted to fall full pelt into ana's arms. Well..maybe not ana, because i don't consider myself to have an ED..but i wanted to at least give into the voices...i spent ages just poking at my thighs and my stoamch wishing for them to shrink, sucking in my belly...i just feel fat..i can't deny it anymore...i've tried to ignore it for months. But i feel and look fat. I disgust myself. I haven't purged in years..but it's getting to the point again where i feel the need too again...

I want my collarbones to protrude, i want my ribs to stick out again. Like they used too...

Which leads me into a bit of a rant!!

Lately i've seen girls and heard their moans about WANTING to be anorexic.

WTF. And claiming they want to die.

I fucking HATE with a passion these stupid little idiots who claim they WANT to be anorexic and apparently are depressed because their bf's broken up with them of about 2 weeks! Saying

"Oh i want to die my bf broke up with me, or, my mum is being a bitch...blah blah blah..and all the excuses in the book.

I've seen girls write, "i wish i was anorexic, id love to be bulimic, i'm so jealous of those people because they can lose weight!"

FUCKING GO AND DIE YOU WHORES.

They take the piss out of all of us, anorexia and bulimia is NOT a freaking lifestyle choice thats glorious and happy and fun, it kills, it ruins peoples lives. And they sit their WISHING they had it! And claiming they want to die because of petty reasons, and saying they are depressed/bi-polar because of a little mood change or they feel upset for a day or two.

I seriously want them to live the day in my or your heads, because then, and only then they will know what it really feels like to be depressed, feeling every waking moment you would do anything to end the pain, to slice your wrists so you feel alive, to OD to get away from it all. I wish they could just understand. Depression and ED isn't something you wish for. Or claim to have because you feel a little upset. It ruins your life! And in some cases it can kill.

So if any wana-rexics or wana-depressives are reading this GET A LIFE. AND FUCK OFF TAKING THE PISS OUT OF PEOPLE WHO ARE GENUINELY DEPRESSED OR LIVING WITH ED.

RANT OVER.

Sorry, but i just hate those people...

I love you

Astra x

Think Positive..Must Think Postive....!!

Beautiful ladies,

So valentines day was amazing!!

Me and S had our valentines the weekend before, because we couldn't see eachother on the actual day. He cooked me a 3 course meal! And i ate it ALL....without feeling guilty. Weird right?

But i guess that's a good thing....

He had a gig during the evening so before our meal we just hung out with mates in the pub, all cosy and nice :) 

He is simply amazing...i love him so so much.

I still have trust issues though...but then again, so does he...i don't think i'll ever be able to 100% relax with our relationship coz i'm just paranoid all the time.

So valentines was magic :)

My birthday plans on the other hand...i think thy are coming together now...i sort of know who's coming? I'm still bloody paranoid and panicy about it all though....i hate being the centre of attention ><

I seriously cannot wait though! I need a good night out. I need to just break free and let go!

Only bad point is that i don't think S can come because of money troubles... =/

And i've come out in terrible acne....and my cuts have now gone into purple scars...which means i'll have to cover my arms in foundation to cover them..

FUCKING STRESS.

I don't have the motivation anymore to tone...i've given up because the pills are making my appetite monsterous. I cannot stop eating.

I'm a binge addict.

I can now fit snuggly into my size 6 jeans...no more baggyness.

I hate the way i look at the moment. Even retail therapy today didn't make me feel any better. It just made a bigger hole in my pocket. I'm broke. But i did make a promise to myself that at least half the money i get for my birthday will be put into my savings account!

Like a good girl ;)

You know the amount of calories i'm eating daily now???

Over 1000. This is fucking shit!

Not even thinspo nor my fat belly can stop me eating.

I can just about fit into my size 6 top i bought the other day...it's a squeeze.

THIS IS MADNESS!!!

I'm sorry if this post doesnt make much sense...i can't concentrate tonight! My head is all over the place!

I'm going to make a list of good and bad things in my life...so i can make a little sense...

POSITIVES:                                                                                                                                                                   

-I haven't cut in a while                                                               

-My hair is nice again                                                            

-I have the most perfect man on the planet                    

-I don't feel as suicidal                                                            

-I don't feel guilty about eating??                                               

-I realised i do have some friends                                               

-My social life is a little better                                                    

-I have nice clothes??? Paha.                                                       

-My boobs have gotten bigger! :D                                                

-The depression has gotten slightly better, i think..for now.                   

 NEGATIVES:                                                                                              

-I still have trust issues
-I still hate the way i look
-It's scary to feel happy
-I still get suicidal sometimes
-I've lost some friends
-I'm sick of relying on pills.
- I'm getting fat.
-The depression has made my life come to a standstill   

-What if this happiness doesn't last?
-I have stupid scars all over my arm...

- What if i cut again??? Or OD??
-Sometimes i can't see a future when the voices take over.
- I still get voices...
-I still feel death sometimes..dragging me back into the darkness of depression.

-I'm not moving forward..
- I'm so behind everyone..i have no job, no baby, i still live at home...

So there we go...there's probably more, but i can't think :(

Astra x

Intoxicated With Madness, In Love With My Sadness

Dear beauties,

I'm sick of feeling mad, i hate feeling depressed, i don't want to hate myself anymore.

These new pills are making me feel worse!

My moods are so up and down at the moment its unreal.

I cut the other day...not badly because i'm weak and pathetic...but enough for the blood to run down my arm.

It helped...

Now i'm back to feeling an empty shell, i'm back into the routine of constantly feeling tired..and hungry...i'll go to bed around 1am...and just lay there for hours tossing and turning because my thoughts are racing through my head.

"I'm so tired, i can't sleep" -Nirvana, pennyroyal tea.

My paranoia is back full pelt too, everything is driving me mad!!

I keep thinking people are talking behind my back, laughing at me, tricking me, i can't trust anybody all over again!

I went to lunch with the girls yesterday, and went shopping, and got my hair cut, which was nice...but still i thought they were laughing at me.

I'm also OCD at the moment, for example, if i do something, i'll have to do it three times over, to make sure it's right and i've done is correctly.... or i'll feel something bad will happen to me...weird?
I'll probably end up editing this severall times!

My appetite is ridic. I can't stop eating!

I'm thinking i'm just going to have to get into the routine of exercising regular.

I need a flat stomach again..i miss it so bad!

My thighs actually touch now...that's how big i'm getting...

NEED TO GET THIN AGAIN!!!!

THINSPO, THINSPO, THINSPO!!

Also, this is a link to Isabelle Caro's blog, when she was alive, it's so inspiring..

Anorexia and life, make the step towards healing.

Astra x

Damn That Diagnosis...

So today i was officially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.

Great!!

AND I've been on the wrong pills...i was on pills for normal depression, not bi-polar!

So that's why my moods have been so erratic. 

I told her all about my up and down moods and thoughts, and emotions, and she just said i should be on pills for bi-polar..because that's what i have...

My psychiatrist still thinks i'm anorexic! I swear she knows i'm lying about my food intake and shit...she kept asking questions about it all! Ooops.

So now, i'm on new pills on top of all my others! God! How many more pills can i take?!

I'm also super stressing about my birthday soon...

I made a FB event for it...but it's taking ages for people to reply to it...

I've invited people i haven't seen in ages...to try and rebuild friendships, dunno how thats gonna turn out...

Now my paranoia has set in and i'm thinking people wont turn up...

I just basically put, i wanted to hit the town and get wasted haha...even though i'm not meant to...but fuck it!!! I'm only 20 once!

I'm trying to think of the positives...and looking forward to things...it's just really hard when all you think of is death =/

Oh yeah and another funny thing...my psychiatrist made me promise not to try and OD on all these pills!! ...HOW DID SHE KNOW???

I didn't even tell her about the OD!

Weird....

So maybe now...hopefully....i'll start to feel better?

Coz fuck knows i can't take feeling this shit much more...

There's only so many OD's i can take without actually dieing.

Astra x

Night Time Is Fright Time.

Dear lovelies,

Isn't it funny .....

The night brings out the demons to play?

They dance around in your head torturing you and taunting you with their voices.

Everything gets worse at night...

Does anyone else find this?

Because i'm sitting here, right now, contemplating whether to cut or not ...because the voices won't stop.

To cut or ...not to cut?

I have my appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow, that'll go down well.

I had a mini breakdown thing today...today has been a "bi-polar day"

I was just washing up, and one plate slipped out of my hand, and i went absolutely crazy!

I started screaming and swearing at everything, and smashed the plate.

Screaming for the voices to FUCK OFF!!...While my mum was upstairs in bed ill...and still is...she ended up coming down saying she'd do the washing up...i had to contain my anger and simply reply with

"No. i'll do it." very bluntly. Or id of lost it.

And then she went away and i punched a few things, and sat down and the anger went, just like that!

Weird....
My mood has been going up and down all day..to highs, then ultimate lows...
I think it's because for the past week, i haven't been taking my pills regular..oops. I just hate being an un-emotional vegetable. Yeah...without pills i'm very self destructive and shit...but at least i feel something?
Even if it is, paranoia, suicidal crap, ultimate highs then lows...etc.

For the most part of the day i've sat watching anorexia documentaries. 

Especially ones on Isabelle Caro. "The face of anorexia"

Such a shame she died....she was such an inspiration. Weighing only 33lbs at her lowest!

Literally skin and bone.

She talked about how anorexia isn't a lifestyle choice, it's a horrible illness that slowly kills you. And went through all the horrible side effects of it, like, super dry skin, osteoporosis, lesions on her skin, hair falling out, brittle bones, the body of an elderly person and much more.

Really makes you think....but she was so beautiful, her eyes were amazing.

So now..i'm bored...

Still contemplating....

I hate bipolar days....

Astra x

White Light. Dead

Hello beauties,

So... these past few days have been eventful...

I almost had to go to hospital last night...i OD'ed on a cocktail of drugs..i just popped a ton of them out of their packets and swallowed them all.

Didn't do much...

All that happened was that i collapsed and passed out for an hour..then just felt really sick and had a really bad stomach ache..REALLY bad.

Now i have to see the psychiatrist on Friday, i'm not sure if i will tell her about the OD. I don't want to be taken in as an in-patient.

I've given up on exercise i have absolutely no motivation at all!

I've gotten worse...AGAIN. 

The voices are back with a vengeance and so is my paranoia.

I swear everyone is laughing, whispering and trying to hurt me.

Me and S are doing good..we had a lovely weekend.

His moved some of his stuff into my bedroom, just for now while he gets himself sorted. 

I feel so so bad.....

When me and S had a mini breakup a few months ago, i tore all his cards and shit he had given me up....and when he came to mine last weekend he showed me his cards, and asked where mine were...i had to lie obviously...but i regret it so badly...i wish i still had his cards..

I've also become strangely maternal all of a sudden...i actually want a baby now....i actually want to move in with S. I dunno what wrong with me! I've NEVER been maternal..i've always hated kids!

Astra x