I'm sorry i've been neglecting blogger! And all you beautiful people!
So...the last time i was on here..me and S had a big argument that ended in us almost breaking up...which lead to me slicing up my wrists and telling him to leave me alone because i wanted to die, oh yeah and hallucinating..which obviously freaked him out...i told him i was going to kill myself..and i was, i couldn't ever live without him, not now, and i got pills ready to take..but he kept calling me and calling me til i answered and in the end i calmed down, after blubbering on the phone for ages telling him i "can't do this anymore" and shit coz i was in a right ol' state and wasn't thinking. It all sort of poured out...all i kept saying over and over was that i wanted to die. Which then lead to him saying " oh, well i thought you were meant to support me, and your not doing that by dying". Which was a bit off? I know he feels slightly suicidal...but not to the point that he was actually going to kill himself...because i was, i was ready to die. But obviously i can't even do that right because i'm still here! I feel such a failure for not dying.
I've even neglected doing my exercises because i feel so unmotivated...bleh.
I feel numb again..all i got from being so depressed and psycho that day was more cuts...and a bf who thinks i'm stupid. So now i have to wait for them to heal up before i can show my arms again..joy!
I need solace!!!
I'm thinking i'm going to get a tattoo on my forearm to cover my cuts and scars?
But what shall i get?? Any ideas??
Also, tomorrow i am going to meet a few friends :) So that should be good! RETAIL THERAPY!!! YAY.
I got a bunch of money today!! Because the government owed me it, because i'm on disability benefits and stuff, because i'm still too ill to work =/
No one would employ a suicidal maniac would they? haha.
Which reminds me i have to chase up this psychological therapy i'm supposed to get, and bereavement counselling...hmmm. AND go to the bloody doctors for more bloody pills as i'm running out...gah. Hopefully she wont suggest any other pills! I'm already on 5 pills a day -____-
My little Nancy is doing well though :D
She jumps around her cage all the time! I have a happy lil piggy!
Astra x
I hope you find happiness again and an opportunity to find a job.
ReplyDelete♥
This pain, this ache - it is not forever. I know it seems impossible to believe. But I swear it's true so don't lose heart because someday you will see the back of it.
ReplyDeleteTake care beautiful x x
everything that u go thru u go thru it together it shows commitment and love it will only make u stronger and never weaker
ReplyDeleteonce u choose hope in better thing in better days and a better life recovering anything is and will be possible
i beleive in u honey and im proud of you for not giving up
love u as always
xx
Maybe for a tattoo a quote that inspires you, and reminds you of the good, to cover up the bad? <3
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. I wish I could tell you something inspirational, but I'm not there yet. I hope you find happiness, or choose it or whatever. I hope things get better for you.
ReplyDeleteAlice xx
ouch, that sounds like it would hurt. but i guesss, maybee a raven. or something else that's dark, beautiful and strange.
ReplyDeletethat's always been my dream tattoo, but i think you'd pull it off better than i would :)
maybe a rabbit. not like a bunny, but a rabbit. like something from that pink floyd song, "breathe".
*HUGS* <3 let us know what you decide to get, if anything.