Birthday Blues

Dear beauties,

So my birthday outing went lovely!

A lot of people turned up and we hit the town :)

And...i didn't get drunk! WOW.

My feet were hurting soooo badly by the end of the night, dancing away, forgetting all my worries :)

It was a let go of all stresses night.

So i realised maybe, just maybe...i do have friends. And maybe...people do want to know me?

I did end up drinking quite a lot...but amazingly didn't get even tipsey! 

I got a lovely necklace and body stuff from one friend and a funky purse from the other.

Took sooo many pictures :)

And now...it's my birthday tomorrow...

S is supposed to be coming round, as well as my grandparents...S doesn't know they are coming too, or he wont come up...i swear he has social anxiety...

Then he might take me out to buy my pressie or something? Sounds nice me thinks!

I've been stressing all day though about tomorrow and i'm not even sure why....i guess the voices in my head had something to do with it..they made a triumphant return today. So today has been crap basically. But right now i'm feeling ok, after a long soak to think about things.

And i'm doing amazingly well with food today!

I only had a small breakfast bar for breakfast, and some chicken, i ended up skipping dinner too :)

So hardly any calories today!

And yes....i know i've said in previous posts i'm going to try to eat normally..but today the voices took over, and i just wanted to fall full pelt into ana's arms. Well..maybe not ana, because i don't consider myself to have an ED..but i wanted to at least give into the voices...i spent ages just poking at my thighs and my stoamch wishing for them to shrink, sucking in my belly...i just feel fat..i can't deny it anymore...i've tried to ignore it for months. But i feel and look fat. I disgust myself. I haven't purged in years..but it's getting to the point again where i feel the need too again...

I want my collarbones to protrude, i want my ribs to stick out again. Like they used too...

Which leads me into a bit of a rant!!

Lately i've seen girls and heard their moans about WANTING to be anorexic.

WTF. And claiming they want to die.

I fucking HATE with a passion these stupid little idiots who claim they WANT to be anorexic and apparently are depressed because their bf's broken up with them of about 2 weeks! Saying

"Oh i want to die my bf broke up with me, or, my mum is being a bitch...blah blah blah..and all the excuses in the book.

I've seen girls write, "i wish i was anorexic, id love to be bulimic, i'm so jealous of those people because they can lose weight!"

FUCKING GO AND DIE YOU WHORES.

They take the piss out of all of us, anorexia and bulimia is NOT a freaking lifestyle choice thats glorious and happy and fun, it kills, it ruins peoples lives. And they sit their WISHING they had it! And claiming they want to die because of petty reasons, and saying they are depressed/bi-polar because of a little mood change or they feel upset for a day or two.

I seriously want them to live the day in my or your heads, because then, and only then they will know what it really feels like to be depressed, feeling every waking moment you would do anything to end the pain, to slice your wrists so you feel alive, to OD to get away from it all. I wish they could just understand. Depression and ED isn't something you wish for. Or claim to have because you feel a little upset. It ruins your life! And in some cases it can kill.

So if any wana-rexics or wana-depressives are reading this GET A LIFE. AND FUCK OFF TAKING THE PISS OUT OF PEOPLE WHO ARE GENUINELY DEPRESSED OR LIVING WITH ED.

RANT OVER.

Sorry, but i just hate those people...

I love you

Astra x