Think Positive..Must Think Postive....!!

Beautiful ladies,

So valentines day was amazing!!

Me and S had our valentines the weekend before, because we couldn't see eachother on the actual day. He cooked me a 3 course meal! And i ate it ALL....without feeling guilty. Weird right?

But i guess that's a good thing....

He had a gig during the evening so before our meal we just hung out with mates in the pub, all cosy and nice :) 

He is simply amazing...i love him so so much.

I still have trust issues though...but then again, so does he...i don't think i'll ever be able to 100% relax with our relationship coz i'm just paranoid all the time.

So valentines was magic :)

My birthday plans on the other hand...i think thy are coming together now...i sort of know who's coming? I'm still bloody paranoid and panicy about it all though....i hate being the centre of attention ><

I seriously cannot wait though! I need a good night out. I need to just break free and let go!

Only bad point is that i don't think S can come because of money troubles... =/

And i've come out in terrible acne....and my cuts have now gone into purple scars...which means i'll have to cover my arms in foundation to cover them..

FUCKING STRESS.

I don't have the motivation anymore to tone...i've given up because the pills are making my appetite monsterous. I cannot stop eating.

I'm a binge addict.

I can now fit snuggly into my size 6 jeans...no more baggyness.

I hate the way i look at the moment. Even retail therapy today didn't make me feel any better. It just made a bigger hole in my pocket. I'm broke. But i did make a promise to myself that at least half the money i get for my birthday will be put into my savings account!

Like a good girl ;)

You know the amount of calories i'm eating daily now???

Over 1000. This is fucking shit!

Not even thinspo nor my fat belly can stop me eating.

I can just about fit into my size 6 top i bought the other day...it's a squeeze.

THIS IS MADNESS!!!

I'm sorry if this post doesnt make much sense...i can't concentrate tonight! My head is all over the place!

I'm going to make a list of good and bad things in my life...so i can make a little sense...

POSITIVES:                                                                                                                                                                   

-I haven't cut in a while                                                               

-My hair is nice again                                                            

-I have the most perfect man on the planet                    

-I don't feel as suicidal                                                            

-I don't feel guilty about eating??                                               

-I realised i do have some friends                                               

-My social life is a little better                                                    

-I have nice clothes??? Paha.                                                       

-My boobs have gotten bigger! :D                                                

-The depression has gotten slightly better, i think..for now.                   

 NEGATIVES:                                                                                              

-I still have trust issues
-I still hate the way i look
-It's scary to feel happy
-I still get suicidal sometimes
-I've lost some friends
-I'm sick of relying on pills.
- I'm getting fat.
-The depression has made my life come to a standstill   

-What if this happiness doesn't last?
-I have stupid scars all over my arm...

- What if i cut again??? Or OD??
-Sometimes i can't see a future when the voices take over.
- I still get voices...
-I still feel death sometimes..dragging me back into the darkness of depression.

-I'm not moving forward..
- I'm so behind everyone..i have no job, no baby, i still live at home...

So there we go...there's probably more, but i can't think :(

Astra x