I Can't Do This. I Just Fucking Can't.

I'm not going to make it to 21.

I can't live in this torture anymore.

I found out today...just now, he was going to leave me for her...

S was going to leave me for that cunt.

I can't take this anymore!!!!!!!!!

I'm a fucking mess.

I had a suicide pact once...i wish i kept it. Looks like i'm going out on my own now.

I don't give a fuck who calls me selfish for doing what i plan to do.

It's my life and i can end it if i want.

It's either a massive OD with vodka.

Or lay on some train tracks near where i live.

No one goes up to the tracks, so no one would find me.

I have so many packs of pills in my drawer, enough to kill a horse probably.

I'm in a self destruct mode right now.

Oh hey razor..where have you been?

If i can't live for him then i don't want to live at all.

I have nothing left.

Sorry for this shit post...

Astra x

I Need To Stop...

I need to stop stressing

I need to start relaxing.

I need to start enjoying my life

I shouldn't have to live by everyone elses expectations and rules.

It's MY LIFE. I shouldn't feel guilty for the way i want to live it.

I need to live for ME. Not other people.

I need to make my own rules.

Why should i care if i hurt people? They all hurt me.

No one cares if they hurt me, why should i always be the one to pick up everyone elses shit?

I have to stop being so tense about everything.

I'm such a doormat.

Fuck people.

I need to start fighting back. I need to find ME again, because i don't know who that is anymore.

I'm sick and tired of petty arguments...i hate being shouted at, moaned at, bitched at.

I want someone to love me, for me, i don't want to be used, abused and tossed aside when ever someone feels like it.

I want to be loved, adored, admired, i want someone to be loyal to me, respect me.

It's MY LIFE. Why should i care what others think of me?

I'm gna die someday anyway.

And when i do, i'll have lived life my way.

Go out in a blaze of glory.

I can't be asked with shit anymore.

I hate my life. And i hate me.

I'm so angry.

I just want to die.

Astra x

FML

Dear lovelies,

I'm in a dark place...

I just want this to end.

After next week i'm not going to see S for months, because he is getting rid of his car...

I can't deal with that. I need him.

I feel so alone. So scared.

My mum is going to my nans tomorrow, so i'll be alone.

B doesn't want to know me because he saw me and S the other day, all happy....i think that hurt him.

I just don't know what to do...

I'm so down...

My acne is so bad i don't even want to go out the house.

Doctors gave me some pills for it, only to find out later, that they can cause suicidal thoughts....so obviouly couldn't take them.

I feel like taking my sleeping pills tonight, all of them, so i can just rest.

I bought myself a laptop. which i'm currently blogging on, i thought this would make me feel better. Only lasted a few hours.

Nothing helps, not seeing friends, not retail therapy,not being alone, not getting so wasted you can't stand up..nothing. I'm stuck in this vicious circle or self hatred and depression.

I don't know what i'm doing with my life.

I don't see a future.

I haven't self harmed in about a month and a half. But i know after next week, after knowing i wont be able to see S, i'll most probably do it.

Because i wont have to hide it from him, i wont care.

I wish i didn't  love him so much...

I just can't cope with this...it's never ending. I heard on the tv the other day, depression can go on for years and years, never ending...i've had this on and off since i was 13..how many more years have i got to put up with this?

I love you all dearly,

Astra x

 

I'm Still Alive...

So...i'm still alive. After another failed attempt at an OD.

How much does it take to die for fuck sake?

I've come to realise that this wont go away...and i have to live through this pain, either for the rest of my life, or for a long time to come yet.

I don't remember when i last genuinely smiled or felt happy.

All i remember is pain. Sad but oh so true.

Sorry i scared you....

I'm so stupid i can't even kill myself properly.

I wont go on about how miserable i am, or how life is terrible and how i feel so numb and hopeless because i've written it a million times, and you're probably sick of reading it! 

No wonder i lost a follower....

I don't know where my life is heading...or who i can rely on anymore, even B isn't talking to me anymore for some unknown reason.

The only person in this world you can rely on is yourself. And even sometimes i can't even do that.

I gave my heart away, opened up, tore down my walls to so many"friends" who now don't talk to me, or ignore me, or have replaced me with a better model. I've never felt so alone as i do now...

I can't even get an app with my psychiatrist for another 2 months apparently all because i was too ill to go, well sooorrryyy!

Doctors tomorrow to pick up more pills...ergh.

I'm so depressing aren't i? LOL.

I love you guys,

Astra x

Goodbye.

I can't take this anymore.

I'm a burden to everyone.

My friends have ditched me...and unless blogger has a technical issue no one comments anymore...which means no one gives a fuck.

I'm sorry but living just isn't worth it anymore.

I've written my good bye notes.

I have a bottle of vodka and pills.

I'll never forget you.

Astra

x

No Body Cares Anyway.

So the 2 weeks with S went well....too well....only had 1 episode.

The bitch is still getting to me....tweeting about him..about me....wont let it go.

I miss my best friend...i miss her so much...i pushed her away because i was scared she would walk...just like everyone else....i bet she's doing better without me anyway. I seem to drag everyone down..all the time. I drag a big black cloud everywhere i go.

She's better off without me.

I just miss her....

Everything is shit.

Everyone is better off without me anyway.

I just want to die again.

I'm fed up of this life.

Me and S haven't got  a future while i'm like this....

No body cares.

And i don't blame you.