Dear lovelies,
I'm in a dark place...
I just want this to end.
After next week i'm not going to see S for months, because he is getting rid of his car...
I can't deal with that. I need him.
I feel so alone. So scared.
My mum is going to my nans tomorrow, so i'll be alone.
B doesn't want to know me because he saw me and S the other day, all happy....i think that hurt him.
I just don't know what to do...
I'm so down...
My acne is so bad i don't even want to go out the house.
Doctors gave me some pills for it, only to find out later, that they can cause suicidal thoughts....so obviouly couldn't take them.
I feel like taking my sleeping pills tonight, all of them, so i can just rest.
I bought myself a laptop. which i'm currently blogging on, i thought this would make me feel better. Only lasted a few hours.
Nothing helps, not seeing friends, not retail therapy,not being alone, not getting so wasted you can't stand up..nothing. I'm stuck in this vicious circle or self hatred and depression.
I don't know what i'm doing with my life.
I don't see a future.
I haven't self harmed in about a month and a half. But i know after next week, after knowing i wont be able to see S, i'll most probably do it.
Because i wont have to hide it from him, i wont care.
I wish i didn't love him so much...
I just can't cope with this...it's never ending. I heard on the tv the other day, depression can go on for years and years, never ending...i've had this on and off since i was 13..how many more years have i got to put up with this?
I love you all dearly,
Astra x
Depression is like a dull hell. I'm not sure how to climb out of it, and sometimes when I think I'm getting close self hatred body slams me, and its worse than before.
ReplyDeleteI wish there is something I could do to offer advice or anything, but I haven't the slightest.
I'm sorry about S though and that you will be spending so much time apart. That sounds really hard. I hope you can find peace soon. I'm always here for you!
with love,
ell
Depression is almost worse than the eating disorder. It's probably worse at times because how the hell do you get out of it? It's like a never ending battle. When you add self hatred and things to the mix, it's a dark place indeed.
ReplyDeleteI hope things start improving soon because you deserve to be happy. You deserve a break from this rubbish.
I'm sorry you won't see S for quite some time. You'll both be okay, though. It'll be hard, but you'll be okay. xx
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how much it must hurt to not be able to see him for so long, but you still have so much going for you please don't end it.
ReplyDeleteYou've already done so well not self harming for that long, I'm so proud of how long you lasted.
I really hope things get better for you soon, you deserve to be so happy. You're such an amazing person. I can still remember how wonderful you were to me when I very first started my blog, and for ages you were practically the only person who would comment and support me. I will never forget how lovely you are. You deserve all the best things in life.
Take care darling.
It's likely you wouldn't even have an ED if you weren't already depressed... but it sort of goes and in hand if all the factors are there. It's been nearly 20 years for me, and counting. Meds don't even work at this point, for me anyway.
ReplyDeleteI hope one day you'll be able to pull out of this. It will be difficult and some days it seems as if there is no end in sight, but there is always one thing that keeps you moving forward. There will always be moments where a glimmer of light peeks through, and it makes you curious enough to climb a bit higher searching for the source.
Hey sweety, hang in there ok. Is there any public transport you can use to see each other or do you know anybody that can give you lifts to his or him to yours?
ReplyDeleteI know it will be very hard for you to see him less but no matter what happens or how bad things are you will get through it and be ok. Please don't hurt yourself.
I know what it's like, I've been diagnosed with depression three times already. I hope things get better for you soon.
Alice xx
I believe in you just try to change your mindset and surround yourself with happy things and positive people!!! xoxo
ReplyDeletePraying for you beautiful. Don't lose hope x x
ReplyDelete