Thankyou x

Quick post! Before S gets here...

I just wanted to say thankyou to each and everyone of you for your support :)

You all mean so much to me <3

Hope fully this weekend will go smoothly!

Went up to my dad's grave today, NO ONE has looked after it since i've been there last...so it was a total mess...but today i found the strength to visit him and tidied it all up :)

Feel better for that...

And soon as i left, a white feather flew down in front of me :)

I like to think that was him saying thankyou, seeing as i do believe in the whole white feather thing

Astra x

Same Ol' Shit.

Oh my lovelies,

I'm sorry all my comments on your blogs have been shit lately...i just feel i have nothing good to say, all my emotions feel numbed over...i still love you all and will try to be more optimistic, it's just hard when all you can think about is death.

S is coming round tomorrow and staying the weekend, so i won't be able to blog...i can't wait to see him. I just need to be cuddled. And to feel love.

I don't feel like i have anything interesting to say...

I just feel numb, all my emotions have gone...buggered off someplace else!

My self esteem came back for a few days...now it's gone again and all i feel is ugly and pathetic.

Also went to the dentist the other day, i have temporary fillings...so i can't bite down properly, because i have braces, it stops my lower jaw from interfering with the top, it makes eating painful....so it looks like byebye boobs! And hello skeleton again...

I've given up on toning and exercise...i haven't the motivation, or the energy...i've said this before..but i feel like i could sleep for days! My sleeping pattern is fucked again...i can't sleep til about 4am anymore (AGAIN) the pills seemed to of worn off.....i need another appointment with my psychiatrist.

Sorry everyone....

Astra x

So Here We Go Again....

Dear lovelies,

Well last night was...interesting?

Went out at half 5 to the birthday girl's house for pre-drinks! And got ready round hers, then everyone else turned up :) It was lovely having everyone together again, people that i hadn't seen in ages..and i kept my promise to myself, and didn't get drunk! Even though i had wine, jager bombs and shots! It was all going so well! We went round a few clubs, danced the night away! So much so, i really hurt my leg! Haha. Took tons of pictures and generally had a right laugh with everyone :) And got chatted up by tons of guys....( Probably since i was dressed as a police woman) They were only after one thing so i told them all to sod off! And then kissed my best mate.....ha!! (who's a girl)! The pictures are hilarious! Then bumped into some other mates, and had a dance with them ( Who are also C's friends)...we'll come to that in a bit.....

And then i had a dance with a guy i've had a crush on since school! That was nice....a bit of harmless flirting :) ( He's gorgeous, he looks a bit like Kurt Cobain..who is BEAUTIFUL!!)

He kept picking me up and spinning me around :)

I ended up not paying a penny the whole night! Which is good! Coz the guys were happy to buy me drinks :P ( Cheeky)!

It was all going so well until about 1am...when i got an out of the blue text from C.......

"Your a cunt. And a liar. I hope your suffer with pain and misery for the rest of your life".

WTF.?

This is when it clicked....the "mates" i had danced with earlier who are mutual mates must of told him i was in town and happy....i haven't spoken to C in months because he scared me in the end and i'm in love with S, and i made my mind up about that ages ago. I want S. So then guess what???

My mood plummeted.

All i could think of whilst waiting for a taxi home was, god i wanna run into that traffic....

I went suicidal. I came home and told my mum about the text...so she rang up straight away the next morning, C's dad, and warned him that if he texts me again, she'll get the police involved.

And now, going from being relaxed with S, i'm on edge...because i know if i see C and i'm with S, C will go off on one....and tell S everything....

So now i have to keep them apart...and plus me and S are becoming official next week...and if C see's this on facebook...i dunno what he'll do...i'm so scared. My life could fall apart so easily again. C is blocked on my facebook, but he's mates will see, someone is bound to say something....

I'm so fucking scared.

Last night it sent me into such a low mood i told my mum about feeling FAT.

Yup...now she knows.......

fuck.

There is so much stress going on in my head again...i can't lose S, i just can't.

I'll fall apart. It will send me into actually officially killing myself.

I'm just so fucking scared.

Astra x

Just Fake It

Well, last night was.....interesting.

I ended up taking a bunch of pills..because "the voices in my head told me too" Yup! that's right. Gave me such a buzz....it only took a few to send me into another world, seeing as i hadn't eaten...i ended up last night sitting at the bottom of my bed on the floor whispering to myself. Well..not myself, "the voices" mad right? Until about 2am when i snapped out of it and climbed into bed and fell asleep.

Didn't help that today i had to put my hamster to sleep.

That made me more depressed. R.I.P baby.

I've gotten to series 4 now of skins, and for those of you that wanted a link it's here All the series are there for your pick! 

I swear i'm in love with Effy......

I'm also supposed to be going out tomorrow night for my friends 20th birthday.

It;s fancy dress...i'm going as a shitty looking police woman.

Hope fully it will all go according to plan and i wont end up like a train wreck like last time! NEVER EVER want to be in that position again.......

I hope your all doing better than me

I love you all

P.S: Sorry for the lame post..i'm just not in a very good mood right now... x

Astra x

I've Put On Nearly Half A Fucking Stone.

Dear beauties,

You read right.

Nearly half a fucking stone i've gained. In what? 2 months or so? Give or take.

I could not believe it when i went to the doctors today.....the nurse was all,

"Do you mind if i weigh you?"

Oh of course not, go ahead!

44.6KG.

That's pretty much 7 stone. 98lbs.

How could i of put so much weight on and not even realised?

I mean...my boobs have gotten bigger..which is a plus...

I can now fit comfortably into a size 32a bra.

I just can't believe it though....I don't know what to do at this point..whether to lose it again...and have doctors and the psychiatrist on my case again or to leave it and just tone...???

I just love my boobs.

I just also finished watching a TV show on anorexia.

God it was triggering...i could feel my eyes welling up with tears watching it.

It all felt so relevent to me...the suicidal thoughts ...the self harm...

I've also started watching a programme called Skins. It's about a bunch of teens with normal life issues, sex, drugs, but some like Effy have mental health problems, she is triggering too...i'm like...in love with the girl. She dresses like me, thinks like me, has manic episodes etc...all like me! I can't stop watching the show! Even though it sends me into a horrible mood sometimes...And then there is Cassie. She has anorexia. Need i say more? I'm in love with the show, i'm currently on series 3! slowly getting through them all!!

My moods these past few days have been up and down to say the least....

I'm hallucinating again, the voices are back....i feel worse.

God...i feel like i say this everytime? Am i getting boring? I feel boring. And ugly. And selfish Blah blah blah........

I can't stop eating either..these pills really are giving me an appetite like an elephant. Even when i'm not hungry i still eat. I'm binging everyday now. I honestly cannot control myself. I could cry forever telling you this..but i wont. So much self loathing.  I hate myself. The bereavement counselors rang today...missed their call..i wonder what that is about? Hopefully i can get my counseling soon...god knows i need it.

Also quick question....

Do any of you have savings???

Because i have been thinking lately, i'm just living for the moment..because i don't think i'm going to live long....i have no savings behind me, no money at all...do you guys??

Astra x

Same Shit, Different Day

Doesn't this just describe everything so well???

Dear beauties,

So i'm still here...

After attempting to OD again....

All i feel is dizzy and sick. I guess i just wanted a buzz....i'm thinking of taking some from my mums wardrobe where she keeps all hers...and then getting a bottle of wine and downing the lot.

I seriously couldn't give a fuck right now.

I want to go out in a blaze of glory!

I'm tired of waking up to the same shit.

I've tried praying, i've tried punching pillows, i've tried cutting, i've tried weed, i've tried getting drunk

IT DOESN'T WORK.

None of it works....it never has.

It's all one big lie.

They all tell us, tomorrow will be better, take some pills, this will sedate you...

You don't fool me you fucking doctors.

Nothing works!!!!!

It's all there for our comfort. None of it's true.

Death is the only end to the pain.

I'm sorry for hurting any of you..but it's all lies, drugs, psychiatrists, doctors...nothing works, the pain is still there, it always will be...i've had this since 13 years old, and it still hasn't gone away, after all them pills and dosages. The scars are proof it doesn't work.

Some of us are destined to live, while others, like me, are destined to have a short life. I get it. I'm ok with it. They all call me a loon when i tell them i'm destined to have a short life, but i'm not, because it's true! I can feel death.

Everyday i wake up wanting to die, struggling to get the strength to get out of bed. Seeing hallucinations, hearing things. Maybe i am a loon??

Sorry about this post, i'm just so sick of this life

I love you all

Astra x

Just Wanna Die.

I'm so sick of feeling this way.

I want to die.

I can't wake up to this anymore.

My whole life is fucked up. Everything stresses me out...even the simple task of taking a top back to the shop. That brings on anxiety. 

I'M PATHETIC.

I need to die.

Fuck this life. I'm destined to die young. I've known it for ages. I don't want to get old. I'm not meant to live long...i've done what i needed to do in this life. Now God wants me gone. I'm done. I can't suffer like this anymore. I'm sorry. I'm not even thinking straight anymore...this is all a big blur.

All i know is i'm fucking sick of this life.

I'm weak and tired.

So so tired.

I Can't Sleep At Night, And I Don't Want To Wake Up In The Morning.

Beauties,

Well today, as you know, i went out with my family today, as they came down...i hadn't seen my nan and grandad on my mums side for about 2 years!

We went for dinner....

I ordered a massive burger and fries...then had a triple chocolate surprise.

2500 calories?

It's all i've eaten today.

So today i've eaten what i normal person should eat. Calorie wise anyway.

I feel numb today. I didn't care about the calories...

Until about an hour ago...

Now i have cuts on my arm. As punishment. I sat in the corner of my room and cut with my razor and let the blood drip into a tissue until i was satisfied.

The corner of my room feels safe. So i sat there staring at my bed for about 10 minutes not moving.

FREAK.

I am a freak. A weirdo.

I don't even feel comfortable around my family anymore.

The voices are getting worse.

I can actually see the voices coming from the walls.....i can't explain it...i can just see them. All around me screaming. I can actually SEE THEM.

WTF?

I'm getting worse...they are putting me on all these different pills, and for what? So i can get worse.? Because that's how i feel. I'm getting worse. I feel so alone. I have no real friends. They have all left me. I hate my life.

I am actually all alone here. And i hate it....i just want love. I NEED love.

Astra x

I Miss You, I Miss You So Bad

Dear beauties,

I miss myself..i miss the old me...the one you couldn't shut up, the one who made you laugh, the one who always had a good time.

I've lost myself. Totally.

The family is coming down tomorrow...i'm not in the mood. I'd rather be alone.

Depression and anxiety has taken over.

I don't know what "normal" feels like anymore. It's kinda scary.

How do people deal with things in their lives, that i would simply break down at?

I feel like cutting. Don't know if i will........

Exercise seems the only option right now.

To all of you that have asked, the book i'm reading is,

"And i don't want to live this life"

Its about Nancy Spungen and her struggles with drug addiction, depression, and other mental illnesses. Has lots of self harm in it, sex, and rock n roll. It's very triggering...so if you do decide to read this and buy it, i will warn you now. But saying that, it is an amazing read. It makes me feel less alone...and i can relate so much to her.

I feel so alone and depressed it's unreal.

Cutting does nothing anymore. Unless i actually cut myself to ribbons...that's not gonna look good when the family come round....
The voices are back and wont stop.
Just wont stop.

Astra x

Oh The Voices...

Hello beauties,

Sorry i've been away, S ended up turning up on my doorstep unexpectedly :) So i didn't have a chance to say good bye :(
I spent new years with him, and a few friends in the pub, it was lovely :) And i didn't get drunk! WOW! Haha.

I got back from his only today, since my poor little hamster had to go to the vet becuase she's really ill >< The vets don't know whats wrong with her either...and it's costing me a fortune in bills! I'm totally broke now....my poor baby.

While i was at S's, i got another tattoo :D

It's a black rose on my shoulder!

Bloody killed going over my collarbone! But i have a high pain threshold, so it's s'all good!

It stopped me from self harming...weirdly...because an hour and a half of pain from the needle, stopped my urges to cut...

My mum wasn't too pleased though haha!

Oh well. It's my body and i can do what i like with it.

I've gained about 2lbs since i've been at S's....bleh.

Binge fest.

And to top it off, the voices in my head were playing havock while i was there too...i had to try and ignore them since i didn't want to freak S out....

They are still there..screaming.

The urge to cut is back now...now i'm home.

I've also decided to do exercises everyday possible, to build up some muscle. Because i read on the internet that push ups help get bigger boobs! Since you are working the muscles behind the mammary glands.

I want to get stronger too. Because someone commented on my size and said i was a child...FUCK THEM. Just because i have a small frame doesn't mean i look like a fucking child. It's really triggered me into working out.

My new book i ordered off amazon is triggering too..in the bad sense...since it is about depression and stuff...but hey ho! It's a damn good read.

Hope all you girls are doing ok,

I love you all

Astra x