Dear beauties,
You read right.
Nearly half a fucking stone i've gained. In what? 2 months or so? Give or take.
I could not believe it when i went to the doctors today.....the nurse was all,
"Do you mind if i weigh you?"
Oh of course not, go ahead!
44.6KG.
That's pretty much 7 stone. 98lbs.
How could i of put so much weight on and not even realised?
I mean...my boobs have gotten bigger..which is a plus...
I can now fit comfortably into a size 32a bra.
I just can't believe it though....I don't know what to do at this point..whether to lose it again...and have doctors and the psychiatrist on my case again or to leave it and just tone...???
I just love my boobs.
I just also finished watching a TV show on anorexia.
God it was triggering...i could feel my eyes welling up with tears watching it.
It all felt so relevent to me...the suicidal thoughts ...the self harm...
I've also started watching a programme called Skins. It's about a bunch of teens with normal life issues, sex, drugs, but some like Effy have mental health problems, she is triggering too...i'm like...in love with the girl. She dresses like me, thinks like me, has manic episodes etc...all like me! I can't stop watching the show! Even though it sends me into a horrible mood sometimes...And then there is Cassie. She has anorexia. Need i say more? I'm in love with the show, i'm currently on series 3! slowly getting through them all!!
My moods these past few days have been up and down to say the least....
I'm hallucinating again, the voices are back....i feel worse.
God...i feel like i say this everytime? Am i getting boring? I feel boring. And ugly. And selfish Blah blah blah........
I can't stop eating either..these pills really are giving me an appetite like an elephant. Even when i'm not hungry i still eat. I'm binging everyday now. I honestly cannot control myself. I could cry forever telling you this..but i wont. So much self loathing. I hate myself. The bereavement counselors rang today...missed their call..i wonder what that is about? Hopefully i can get my counseling soon...god knows i need it.
Also quick question....
Do any of you have savings???
Because i have been thinking lately, i'm just living for the moment..because i don't think i'm going to live long....i have no savings behind me, no money at all...do you guys??
Astra x
Maybe just tone first, and see how you feel?
ReplyDeleteI love,love, love skins!
Cassie will always be my fav.
I do have savings, only incase something happeneded to my car or my parents.
I have no plans of being on this earth very long. But you never know what the future holds.
Saving doesnt hurt you know...
Feel better lovely =)
Where do you watch Skins? I've been wanting to start watching it but its not on tv for me and I don't know where to look online! And I always try and save but give up and blow it all, I wish I was better at it though.
ReplyDeleteYou are loved
ReplyDeletex x
I LOVE SKINS! so much....my friend at school just started me on the shows a few weeks ago and I'm obsessed. I love Cassie so much, and I love how sassy Effie is. So good.
ReplyDeleteHoney, you are not boring. This is why you have us here, to listen to you on good days and bad days. Stay strong, sweetheart.
As for savings....I had some until I got to university :P Now I'm all dried up. I'm thinking of putting more away from now on, just in case.
I'm going to have to find Skins somewhere online and watch it. It sounds right up my alley.
ReplyDeleteAlso in my opinion, I would concentrate on toning up. Maybe you will feel a bit better knowing you are doing something good with the weight gain, as hard as it is to accept.
As for savings, I have some but not much. I tend to save a bit more, then spend it and get back down to the same amount. I think more people should live for the moment. It makes life worth living.
xx
I love skins! I've been watching it on summer holidays last year. But second generation isn't as good as first, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteYou're still at weight that I want to be. Boobs should stay at the same size despite loosing weight, this is only thing that I like from my fat body.
Skins is great!
ReplyDelete