Beauties,
Well today, as you know, i went out with my family today, as they came down...i hadn't seen my nan and grandad on my mums side for about 2 years!
We went for dinner....
I ordered a massive burger and fries...then had a triple chocolate surprise.
2500 calories?
It's all i've eaten today.
So today i've eaten what i normal person should eat. Calorie wise anyway.
I feel numb today. I didn't care about the calories...
Until about an hour ago...
Now i have cuts on my arm. As punishment. I sat in the corner of my room and cut with my razor and let the blood drip into a tissue until i was satisfied.
The corner of my room feels safe. So i sat there staring at my bed for about 10 minutes not moving.
FREAK.
I am a freak. A weirdo.
I don't even feel comfortable around my family anymore.
The voices are getting worse.
I can actually see the voices coming from the walls.....i can't explain it...i can just see them. All around me screaming. I can actually SEE THEM.
WTF?
I'm getting worse...they are putting me on all these different pills, and for what? So i can get worse.? Because that's how i feel. I'm getting worse. I feel so alone. I have no real friends. They have all left me. I hate my life.
I am actually all alone here. And i hate it....i just want love. I NEED love.
Astra x
Beautiful girl, you aren't a freak or a weirdo. You're ill.
ReplyDeleteBut know, please, that you are loved. I love you, and I know there are many more. And I don't know if you believe in God or not but He loves you SO much more than you (or I) could ever fully comprehend. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_yW567Y2uw
Keep holding on beautiful girl. You aren't alone. So much love x x x
Your not a freak at all. I find myself staring at things that normal people find comforting to be mind blowing and overwhelming. A couple nights i literally slept beside my bed on the floor because I couldn't bring myself to get into the bed.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with Just me, you are loved. I'm here for you any time and more importantly so is God. I hope you can find the love your looking for. Your beautiful!
with love,
~Ell
You're not a weirdo, as Ell said.. I do the same sorts of things. Don't really want to write my habbits, but they do happen. feel better.
ReplyDeletePlease don't ever give up, there surely is a lot of people who love you, even though it might not always feel that way.
ReplyDeleteAnd you're not a weirdo, I know completely how you feel! The voices that won't leave you alone, the safe corner and the feeling of being all alone with thousands of feelings building up inside you - no one loving you, no one caring.
But please know that it is not true!
Last night I ended up drinking way too much - just because I didn't know what else to do with myself and my constantly negative thoughts, we all do things to forget the past
And besides that, I couldn't agree more with the other bloggers ♥
I wish you all the best
I wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel better. Stay strong, sweetie. Sending all my love xoxo
ReplyDeleteYou have us girl!! Email me sometime!
ReplyDeleteTomorrow can always be a better day than today!
<3
i love you sorry ive been MIA
ReplyDeleteforgive mee please???
miss your lovely self
we need a catch up
im sorry honey i fucked up
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xx
Honey, you are not a freak. I can't say I know where you're coming from, because I haven't had this happen to me personally but I believe that this is happening and I'm here for you if you need anything.
ReplyDeleteStay strong beautiful ♥