I Don't Know What's Going On Anymore!

 

I'm at a loss with myself again.

I don't know how to think, feel, react...live.

I feel like i'm sinking again.

And at this point..lets say for the last few weeks, i can see rock bottom again.

The urge to cut is back with a vengeance...slight suicidal thoughts are entering my head again...the want, to OD etc...

I don't know who i am all over again.

I knew the progress i made wouldn't last.

I'm so so angry all the time.

My mum detests me...constantly shouting and screaming at me about every little thing i do...everything i do is wrong in her eyes. She hates me. And right now, i hate her too.

She looks at me with disgust in her eyes...she wont talk to me..and when she does its insults. She pisses me off to the max. And she knows she does...she knows which buttons to press to make me explode into a fit of rage which i then can't seem to control. I really can't. I just have so much anger in me, its unreal. She picks at everything i do. Blames me for everything, i'm not exaggerating. And then makes me out to be the cruel nasty one when i lose my temper? Because she gets me to the point where i'm screaming nearly at the top of my lungs, swearing my head off, going red in the face. I have to keep my cool best i can because if not, then she'll just ban S from staying over...which is supposed to be happening tomorrow...and then i know her insults will get worse. Because then she has to do them subtly, so he wont notice, but i sure as hell will. She always does it. It brings me down. Makes me feel  worthless and disgusting. And she even tries to turn S against me...insulting me at the same time!

She is being impossible to live with.

You know i'm so pent up with anger at the moment, that even when we are sitting watching tv, and i hear her chewing, i just want to throw her fucking dinner plate across the room and tell her to shut the fuck up. She has these little habits that drive me insane...like, chewing loud, doing everything and i mean EVERYTHING as if she's living in slow motion. The fact that, no joke, she pays more attention to the fucking cat than to me. And believe me...i hate that cat. She hisses, scratches, bites, lashes out. She's attacked both our faces before too, just literally jumped at them and clawed them to bits. But no. Even then, it MY fault the cat i like that because " She can sense i don't like her". WTF??!! She treats that cat with more respect than me. You don't see me running at her face with a knife though do you?!

I hate living here...i feel so alone.

And i bet, tomorrow when S turns up she'll make a massive scene, embarresing me about the fact i never asked her if he could stay...even though i've told her my plans for the last 2 weeks. I just know it. ANYTHING to wind me up and create yet more of an atmosphere.

 

I sound like a bitch right?

I'm really not...

I just cannot stand the woman at the moment, the way she's lashing out at me all the time.Screaming in my face, blaming me for all thats wrong in the world, insulting me in everything i do, laughing at me, calling me pathetic.

 

She's causing these feelings to arise again, i just know it...i can only take so much shit from her for this amount of time before it takes effect.

 

So yeah...S is coming down tomorrow...

And my head is already filled with doubt...because of the way i'm feeling, tomorrow just seems like one huge stress out. We are going to a halloween party Saturday, while i stay at his.. for a little while, ( So i'll be offline for about a week?) it'll be good to get away from home, but he's just as stressed as me with his mum too...so it'll be yet more atmosphere. Yes, i am looking forward to seeing him, i really am...but...theres something inside of me thinking...he doesn't really want to be here...i'm not good enough. He doesn't love me anymore...

I know i don't have any evidence to back this up...its just how i feel.

And to top it off...he said he really wants sex tomorrow...but my body looks foul. I've blown up in acne coz of the stress and anxiety, all over my face and chest, i feel chubby, i feel overall ugly. And i have huge bags under my eyes through lack of sleep, because i've barely slept this past month.

 

I just feel so alone.

I feel like my friends hate me...i've even tried talking to people i've lost contact with..and that failed. They didn't wanna know me.

I feel S doesn't love me half as much anymore.

And my own mother is repulsed by me.

 

I want my dad back, and i want to run away from all of this, to somewhere i'm wanted.

I'm filling up with tears now...so i'll leave it at this...sorry...this post wasn't meant to be this long.

 

 

I love you.

 

Astra x



Cry, Just Cry.

 

 

 

Dear lovelies,

 

2 years today...(technically yesterday seeing as it's past midnight) my dad, went to live with the angels.

I can't believe its been that long...doesn't seem it at all.

The days leading up to this day, all i've been doing is crying myself to sleep.

Wanting, needing him. Missing him like crazy...guilt racing through my mind.

A whole bunch of what if's.

I was a shit daughter to him...i should of been there for him, to help him through his depression...but how could i of helped him if he told no one? He just hid it through alcohol. How could i of helped him if i barely ever saw him once he got married?

But still...guilt pulses through my veins.

Maybe if i had told him about me, what i'm going through, he would of stayed?

I should of been there for him...but instead everyone turned their back on him...including me...

He has been threatening suicide for years...how was i to know this last threat wasn't going to be empty?

I love him so much...i just wish i had of told him...

I still feel like it's my fault.

( This is one very very long story being made extremly short here...simply because if i were to write out everything, it would take pages...)

 

Me, and my grandparents went to tend the grave today...it looks so much better, we planted new flowers, cleaned it all up and trimmed back the plants.

It looks peaceful and pretty again.

 

As for me...

I haven't been taking my meds again...2 weeks now...i just can't bring myself to...it makes me feel so weak and pathetic.

Sick even.

I want to be able to fight this alone, without the aid of pills...but it's not working.

Lately, i've just been in my own bubble...not seeing anyone, talking to anyone...just sitting in watching shit tv with junk food. Infact, the only reason i do go out, is purely just to get junk food.

I disgust myself.

I tried taking sexy pics for S the other night...i haven't analysed myself in the mirror in nothing but underwear for god knows how long....and my god...i now can see how much i've changed since i put on that 9(ish)lbs all those months ago.

I tried every sexy pose possible...my arse just looked huge. And my thighs...like tree trunks.

I just want him to still want me.

 

So i'm 5"3...and i've gone from about 90lbs to 100lbs.

Yeah...i'm curvier...but...i have no ribs, no massive thigh gap, no pointy hips...

I mean...everyone, including S says i look so much better for it...and yeah, don't get me wrong, a part of me does think that as well...i mean for one thing, it's so much easier finding clothes that fit and don't hang on me. But the other half of me thinks...where the fuck did the big thigh gap go?

I'm still a UK dress size 6-8 i think thats a US dress size 4-6?

But i still feel big.

I'm finding myself back in the cycle of comparing myself to every girl that walks past. How her hair is perfect, how her body is perfect, how her face is PERFECT.

I kind of miss the snide remarks " Oh look at her, she looks like a stick" because it meant i was thin...and people noticed.

I once had complete control over my eating habits...and thats how i managed to once get down to 84lbs. I guess that is on my medical records, from ages ago..so i guess thats why my old psychiatrist thought i maybe "anorexic" this time round? Not eating barely anything day in, day out, made me feel happier, in control. But now? I eat like there's no tomorrow. I eat and eat and eat until i feel physically sick....then carry on. I'm constantly craving food.

I look in the mirror and once again, i pretty much hate what i see.

Depression is a bitch.

I want a life...but i just can't hang on to one.

 

 

( This was going to be a verryyyy long post about how shitty i'm feeling again...maybe i'll save that for next time? I'm tired.)

 

 

I love you all, dearly,

 

Astra x