I Don't Know What's Going On Anymore!

 

I'm at a loss with myself again.

I don't know how to think, feel, react...live.

I feel like i'm sinking again.

And at this point..lets say for the last few weeks, i can see rock bottom again.

The urge to cut is back with a vengeance...slight suicidal thoughts are entering my head again...the want, to OD etc...

I don't know who i am all over again.

I knew the progress i made wouldn't last.

I'm so so angry all the time.

My mum detests me...constantly shouting and screaming at me about every little thing i do...everything i do is wrong in her eyes. She hates me. And right now, i hate her too.

She looks at me with disgust in her eyes...she wont talk to me..and when she does its insults. She pisses me off to the max. And she knows she does...she knows which buttons to press to make me explode into a fit of rage which i then can't seem to control. I really can't. I just have so much anger in me, its unreal. She picks at everything i do. Blames me for everything, i'm not exaggerating. And then makes me out to be the cruel nasty one when i lose my temper? Because she gets me to the point where i'm screaming nearly at the top of my lungs, swearing my head off, going red in the face. I have to keep my cool best i can because if not, then she'll just ban S from staying over...which is supposed to be happening tomorrow...and then i know her insults will get worse. Because then she has to do them subtly, so he wont notice, but i sure as hell will. She always does it. It brings me down. Makes me feel  worthless and disgusting. And she even tries to turn S against me...insulting me at the same time!

She is being impossible to live with.

You know i'm so pent up with anger at the moment, that even when we are sitting watching tv, and i hear her chewing, i just want to throw her fucking dinner plate across the room and tell her to shut the fuck up. She has these little habits that drive me insane...like, chewing loud, doing everything and i mean EVERYTHING as if she's living in slow motion. The fact that, no joke, she pays more attention to the fucking cat than to me. And believe me...i hate that cat. She hisses, scratches, bites, lashes out. She's attacked both our faces before too, just literally jumped at them and clawed them to bits. But no. Even then, it MY fault the cat i like that because " She can sense i don't like her". WTF??!! She treats that cat with more respect than me. You don't see me running at her face with a knife though do you?!

I hate living here...i feel so alone.

And i bet, tomorrow when S turns up she'll make a massive scene, embarresing me about the fact i never asked her if he could stay...even though i've told her my plans for the last 2 weeks. I just know it. ANYTHING to wind me up and create yet more of an atmosphere.

 

I sound like a bitch right?

I'm really not...

I just cannot stand the woman at the moment, the way she's lashing out at me all the time.Screaming in my face, blaming me for all thats wrong in the world, insulting me in everything i do, laughing at me, calling me pathetic.

 

She's causing these feelings to arise again, i just know it...i can only take so much shit from her for this amount of time before it takes effect.

 

So yeah...S is coming down tomorrow...

And my head is already filled with doubt...because of the way i'm feeling, tomorrow just seems like one huge stress out. We are going to a halloween party Saturday, while i stay at his.. for a little while, ( So i'll be offline for about a week?) it'll be good to get away from home, but he's just as stressed as me with his mum too...so it'll be yet more atmosphere. Yes, i am looking forward to seeing him, i really am...but...theres something inside of me thinking...he doesn't really want to be here...i'm not good enough. He doesn't love me anymore...

I know i don't have any evidence to back this up...its just how i feel.

And to top it off...he said he really wants sex tomorrow...but my body looks foul. I've blown up in acne coz of the stress and anxiety, all over my face and chest, i feel chubby, i feel overall ugly. And i have huge bags under my eyes through lack of sleep, because i've barely slept this past month.

 

I just feel so alone.

I feel like my friends hate me...i've even tried talking to people i've lost contact with..and that failed. They didn't wanna know me.

I feel S doesn't love me half as much anymore.

And my own mother is repulsed by me.

 

I want my dad back, and i want to run away from all of this, to somewhere i'm wanted.

I'm filling up with tears now...so i'll leave it at this...sorry...this post wasn't meant to be this long.

 

 

I love you.

 

Astra x