Cry, Just Cry.

 

 

 

Dear lovelies,

 

2 years today...(technically yesterday seeing as it's past midnight) my dad, went to live with the angels.

I can't believe its been that long...doesn't seem it at all.

The days leading up to this day, all i've been doing is crying myself to sleep.

Wanting, needing him. Missing him like crazy...guilt racing through my mind.

A whole bunch of what if's.

I was a shit daughter to him...i should of been there for him, to help him through his depression...but how could i of helped him if he told no one? He just hid it through alcohol. How could i of helped him if i barely ever saw him once he got married?

But still...guilt pulses through my veins.

Maybe if i had told him about me, what i'm going through, he would of stayed?

I should of been there for him...but instead everyone turned their back on him...including me...

He has been threatening suicide for years...how was i to know this last threat wasn't going to be empty?

I love him so much...i just wish i had of told him...

I still feel like it's my fault.

( This is one very very long story being made extremly short here...simply because if i were to write out everything, it would take pages...)

 

Me, and my grandparents went to tend the grave today...it looks so much better, we planted new flowers, cleaned it all up and trimmed back the plants.

It looks peaceful and pretty again.

 

As for me...

I haven't been taking my meds again...2 weeks now...i just can't bring myself to...it makes me feel so weak and pathetic.

Sick even.

I want to be able to fight this alone, without the aid of pills...but it's not working.

Lately, i've just been in my own bubble...not seeing anyone, talking to anyone...just sitting in watching shit tv with junk food. Infact, the only reason i do go out, is purely just to get junk food.

I disgust myself.

I tried taking sexy pics for S the other night...i haven't analysed myself in the mirror in nothing but underwear for god knows how long....and my god...i now can see how much i've changed since i put on that 9(ish)lbs all those months ago.

I tried every sexy pose possible...my arse just looked huge. And my thighs...like tree trunks.

I just want him to still want me.

 

So i'm 5"3...and i've gone from about 90lbs to 100lbs.

Yeah...i'm curvier...but...i have no ribs, no massive thigh gap, no pointy hips...

I mean...everyone, including S says i look so much better for it...and yeah, don't get me wrong, a part of me does think that as well...i mean for one thing, it's so much easier finding clothes that fit and don't hang on me. But the other half of me thinks...where the fuck did the big thigh gap go?

I'm still a UK dress size 6-8 i think thats a US dress size 4-6?

But i still feel big.

I'm finding myself back in the cycle of comparing myself to every girl that walks past. How her hair is perfect, how her body is perfect, how her face is PERFECT.

I kind of miss the snide remarks " Oh look at her, she looks like a stick" because it meant i was thin...and people noticed.

I once had complete control over my eating habits...and thats how i managed to once get down to 84lbs. I guess that is on my medical records, from ages ago..so i guess thats why my old psychiatrist thought i maybe "anorexic" this time round? Not eating barely anything day in, day out, made me feel happier, in control. But now? I eat like there's no tomorrow. I eat and eat and eat until i feel physically sick....then carry on. I'm constantly craving food.

I look in the mirror and once again, i pretty much hate what i see.

Depression is a bitch.

I want a life...but i just can't hang on to one.

 

 

( This was going to be a verryyyy long post about how shitty i'm feeling again...maybe i'll save that for next time? I'm tired.)

 

 

I love you all, dearly,

 

Astra x