Corrupted

I know that no one will probably read this nor comment...and why should you? i've been away for so long again, i'm a shit.

I deserve nothing but death, at least thats the way i feel about myself.

I don't deserve happiness. I've made too many mistakes. I've hurt too many people, some of who, don't even know it.

I'm torn between letting BPD / depression and eating issues take over again, because thats what i feel i deserve...or letting the past go and moving forward with the love of my life.

I don't deserve him. He gives me everything. He loves me, even through knowing majority of my mistakes, but he shouldn't, he should hate me. I've hurt him so bad in the past, and yet he still always came back. I HATE myself for that. For hurting the one person i truly loved, and for what? I don't even know. Because i was too scared perhaps? Too scared of true happiness.

He's given me chance after chance...none of which i should of had.

And now those thoughts are standing in my way of being happy with him. They're eating me up inside, everytime i look at him, i feel so much guilt.

Do i stay? Because he is my everything, my happiness, my soulmate. But be riddled with guilt forever? Or do i set him free, hurting him again, and destroying me in the process.

I can't live without him, but i don't deserve to live at all.

I cry as i write this because the sheer thought of losing him kills me inside.

What do i do?

I feel strange.

I'm not really sure how to start this....i can barely type actually, i feel rather uncoordinated tonight. Fingers are going all over the keyboard.

For the last two weeks or so, i have felt...not myself? Odd.

I feel like i've slipped back in some ways.

For example:

I've come close on many occasions, and given in a few times to cutting. Not like i used to, just superficially. Just enough.

I feel erratic. I want to do crazy things, most of which will get me in trouble.

I'm also, total contradiction to the above, always so tired. To the point where, embarrassingly, i'll sleep in until 1pm.

And most of all, scariest of all, thoughts have entered my head of food again. I tested it out, i restricted the whole day, up until dinner...but until that point, i felt....better. Of course now, all my self control from years back has gone out of the window. Like i say, i managed up until dinner...then spaghetti bolognese was put in front of me and i ate the whole damn meal. Safe to say, my mood plummeted.

I just don't feel like me.

B and i aren't working out as i had imagined we would for the last six years....but i can't part from him, not now, i simply would not cope, and 100% sure i would actually go through with past suicide plans...dramatic but true. I couldn't live without him, not now. I wouldn't know how. Not after six years of him being in my life, being my rock, through everything.

I feel like...he's not attracted to me anymore, suddenly. 

Things have changed in a way i can't explain...just a bad atmosphere i guess?

He denies everything. I've tried talking.

But as for me, i'm bored.

Bored of my life, it's just triggering erratic thoughts.

And with new therapy about to start, this is the worst possible time.

I just want to do wild shit.

But i can't, because i would lose the ones i love.

It's beyond frustrating, my whole life right now is one big contradiction.

I want the best of both worlds, the safe, loving one and the wild dangerous one.

Drowning in my paranoid wonderland

OK, first thing is first, this stupid thing is telling me i'm not following any blogs now? So comment below please so i can re-follow if needs be.

How many times have i started off a post with "I'm scared"?....Well, it's happening again, because well, i'm scared.

My anxiety is out of control. Paranoia is dancing along to the tune too. Pills make me sick. So i'm alone.

New therapy starts next month, but will it really help, or just be another waste of my time?

I feel a mess. Acne is running wild all over, which doesn't help the self esteem. I just feel.....unworthy? Not good enough for anyone. Incredibly self concious, silently screaming. No one on this earth knows how bad i feel right now, because i choose to hide it, best i can. B knows bits...but id rather not delve into details of how i'm a paranoid freak. I've already told him in the past, but rather not remind him.

I self harmed, superficially, he saw...he said nothing, just gave that vacant stare at the cuts, as to say.....why?

I said nothing of course, and started babbling on about something to steer the conversation, if there was going to be one, about why on earth am i doing this again?

I need to be perfect for him. Unconditionally perfect.

I wont allow my troubled, diseased mind to ruin this.

I want to...need to be everything he desires.

I need to be everything i desire.

I can't go on like this...my mind is creating negativity where there is none. I know that...but i still can't help but believe it. That there's something wrong that i'm simply not seeing.

I mean, why, oh why, would anyone want me?

Tornados

I'm a tornado of paranoia and anxiety.

And i don't know how to stop.

I'm over analysing everything, every word, every sentence, every action.

I tear conversations apart, sure i will find negativity. Thing is, i can't stop until i do. If i fail, i just think i haven't thought hard enough about the situation. I just don't believe anything can or will go right anymore.

I lost faith a long time ago.

I'm terrified of everything.

I feel like i'm going to lose everything.