I know that no one will probably read this nor comment...and why should you? i've been away for so long again, i'm a shit.
I deserve nothing but death, at least thats the way i feel about myself.
I don't deserve happiness. I've made too many mistakes. I've hurt too many people, some of who, don't even know it.
I'm torn between letting BPD / depression and eating issues take over again, because thats what i feel i deserve...or letting the past go and moving forward with the love of my life.
I don't deserve him. He gives me everything. He loves me, even through knowing majority of my mistakes, but he shouldn't, he should hate me. I've hurt him so bad in the past, and yet he still always came back. I HATE myself for that. For hurting the one person i truly loved, and for what? I don't even know. Because i was too scared perhaps? Too scared of true happiness.
He's given me chance after chance...none of which i should of had.
And now those thoughts are standing in my way of being happy with him. They're eating me up inside, everytime i look at him, i feel so much guilt.
Do i stay? Because he is my everything, my happiness, my soulmate. But be riddled with guilt forever? Or do i set him free, hurting him again, and destroying me in the process.
I can't live without him, but i don't deserve to live at all.
I cry as i write this because the sheer thought of losing him kills me inside.
What do i do?
This is how I feel about my fiancé. He is too kind, too good for me. He should have a proper girlfriend, someone who deserves him, someone who could give him children...
ReplyDeleteAnd still they love us.
Oh honey. Please take care of yourself. I know how the thoughts can just take over your entire life, but please try to remember that you are worth something.
ReplyDelete<3 Lee
You are worth so much more than you can see. There is a reason he loves you despite everything, because he sees the good in you. I have been there before, wondering how or why someone could love me. But the reality is that when you love someone, nothing bad about them gets in the way. I wouldn't let him go. Let good the past, because you deserve so much better. Move on with your life, and find a chance to be happy. You more than deserve it, love. I am always here to talk to. You are not alone. Xx
ReplyDeleteHey sweetie. Reading this makes me so sad for you. I feel the same, that I don't think I deserve happiness, or anything at all really. It's the shit in our heads telling us that.
ReplyDeleteYour boyfriend loves you. I know you don't feel like you deserve it, but you do, you really do. It sounds like breaking up would be devastating to you both. Does he know how you feel about this, the guilt?
I'm sorry to hear you're in such a bad place, but it's good to see you post. Feel free to email me if you need to talk. Don't be a stranger <3
xxxx
read it and commented. :] <3 everyone deserves happiness. and if you ask me, those who think they don't deserve love need it most of all. so don't break up with that boy, give it time. no impulsive decisions, please. you'll regret those more than just waiting and thinking it through.
ReplyDeletei'm glad to hear from you, but i wish more than anything to hear that you're doing better soon. take care of yourself, girl. you'll be okay. xx
You feel too bad for yourself. If he wanted to be with you for all this time he wouldn't want to loose you. He knows you and apparently appreciates more than your self-value. I hope it's going to be better.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're still here, but I hate that you still struggle so much.
ReplyDeleteYou are deserving of all the happiness in the world. You are worth fighting for, and he knows it.
Keep fighting. Fight it with anything you can. I almost gave in not too long ago, and then on a whim I decided to start music lessons, and I swear it's the thing that saved me. Small distractions in the form of things you love can be a huge source of strength and happiness.
Do not let the demons have you. They might never go away entirely, but you can fight them, and you can make them your bitch. I've known you on here for a few years now, and I know you're a fighter. You're amazing. Don't give up. Remember all of us who are here with you, fighting the same fight, all of us who want you to keep fighting, and beat this, and live and be happy.
<3
I wish I'd been around when you wrote this.. You have BPD too? I'm trying to find people like me and here you are on my readers list, for years, and I had no clue..
ReplyDeleteI do hope that you're okay and that you come back and write again soon, it's the BEST medicine for us, I promise you, if you do come back, I'll be here xoxo
Are you still out there lovely lady? I still think of you. I still worry. I still check in here. I still miss you.
ReplyDelete