MEERRRYYYY CHHRRIIISSSSSTTMMMAASSSSS :)

 

 

 

 

I love that picture.... hahaha.

 

Sooo,

HAPPY CHRISTMAS BEAUTIES!

I hope you have a wonderful happy  day! :)

It's raining where i am...not very jolly right?

Soooooo much food in the cupboards for tomorrow... ><

But fuck it...i guess?

I'll just have to work extra hard to get all that fat back off!  Ready for new year...no one wants to start a new year being fat, right?...

New year fresh start and all that...

Anyway....

 

Have lovely days everyone!

I'll do a proper update soon, promise

 

Love,

Astra x



I Can't Breathe.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know where to start...

I'm going round in circles here...

I looked in the mirror today, in the dress im going to wear for new years...and just thought...fuck. You're ruining that pretty little dress with that disgusting body of yours.

I'm sinking again.

I feel so sad...ugly and i'm so tired...

Tired of this pathetic life i'm living.

I got offered a sort of job the other day...doing what i had studied in college, just a few days a week, profits split 60/40 to me, as i wouldn't have to rent a room in the salon...and i so want to do it....this is the perfect oppurtunity...but i can't, once they know i'm on this benefit, they'll ask why...and i'll have to tell them...i'm still cutting, still feeling suicidal, still having nightmares, still having days where i can't get out of the house...how can i possibly work? What if i have a panic attack there? They aren't going to want a severly depressed girl with bi-polar tendancies who self harms and thinks of ODing from time to time...i'm not reliable...some days i could make it out...others, i can't leave my bed.

I'm a complete failure.

Everyone around me thinks i'm "so much better" but truth is...most of that " happiness" is complete acting. Because in my head, i'm thinking...if i don't show big progress soon, people are going to leave me.

I've been on "sick benefits" for nearly 2 years now...this wasn't the plan!

I wanted to make something of myself!

I don't feel good enough for anybody to love...

I feel like S is losing faith in me to ever make something of myself...i feel like he's slipping away...he isn't proud to call me his girlfriend. Why should he be? I don't work...i don't drive...i still live at home. I keep thinking he's going to leave me...because he wants someone better for himself. His family want better for him than me.

But they don't understand!!!! No body around me understands!!!

No one knows the torture i live everyday. The nightmares i live with.

No body gets it. No body truly knows who i am.

Because if people knew...they would leave.

If people knew i cut, and when i cut i go as deep as i can, the pleasure i get from it is incredible. The blood. If people knew i've ODed...and sometimes still crave to, the buzz from popping those pills, one by one...If people knew i used to eat just 200 calories a day at times, watching eat bite of food, pulling my fat, watching myself fade away til i saw collarbones prutruding, til i saw my front and back ribs, til my hips were so pointy there was a huge gap between me and the underwear, til my stomach concaved. If people knew i daydreamed about killing myself. In detail. If people read my diary..the disgusting vile, freakishly weird shit...if people knew how i saw the world, the fucked up things i think, really fucked up....if people REALLY knew who i was, they would leave.

I'm wasting away in this life...doing nothing but watching tv, laying in bed til ridiculous hours...doing NOTHING. Watching the world go by.

I'm sure friends, family and S are starting to think i want this? I want to be a waster. But i DON'T! I hate it. I hate me for doing it. I want to work, drive, live alone...but they don't understand true depression. Depression so deep inside me i've had it since i was 15! All this time i've been struggling, wading through this mud.

I got weighed at the doctors Wednesday, 44.4kg BMI of 17.3.

That means i've lost a couple of pounds...and i was happy.

I can't go back there again. I can't start wanting to lose weight again...but its there...that little craving to restrict...its there.

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHO THE FUCK I AM!!!

No one gets what depression is doing to me.

It restricts my life to the point of being bed bound.

Everyone just says,

"Get over it, get up, face the day with a smile, people are worse off than you, snap out of it"...etc, etc...

IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK LIKE THAT!!!!

No one here gets it...and i guess that's why i feel so damn alone.

And i guess thats why i cry myself to sleep.

 

Now i just feel like this was a whole " attention seeking" post...it really wasn't.

 

Astra x



Just A Little Thankyou, Angels.

 

 

 

 

This post is purely just to thank each and every one of you who read and comment on my blog.

You are my angels.

I love you all dearly and i wouldn't know what i'd do without all of you.

We are all fighting our own wars, but together we become stronger. And one day we will look back on all of this and laugh at those demons that brought us down! Because we might have grazed knees from where we fell, but we can still stand tall, taller than ever, knowing how strong we truly are.

From the first day i started this blog, i never for a minute thought i would find my solace, find people who would take the time to read my dark thoughts, and try to even then, bring a smile to my face. But you have, and i thankyou so much for that.

You are all so beautiful and loving.

Here is the only place i can really pour my heart out, and write down how i secretly feel inside, without the fear of being judged.

Here, its like my secret world, a place where i can be me, somewhere i can escape the outside. Somewhere i can escape from reality.

You are all like a sort of family! An online family! Especially those who have read my blog from nearly the very start.

 

I just wanted to let you know, i love you girls.

 

And i wanted to also thankyou for nominating me for the Leibster Blog Award.

I would write a post, like i'm supposed to for it, but i don't know what i'm supposed to do, because i've only just come back online from being away, so the award ceremony, if you like, has gone :(

But i'll defiantly be here for the next one!

And i'll do a proper update soon.

 

 

All my love and cuddles,

 

 

Astra x

Update:FAIL

 

 

 

Dear lovelies,

 

 

I should really blog more often...then i wouldn't have to write tons and tons to catch you all up on my pathetic life.

So...i failed...a few days ago i cut...i got myself in a fit of rage and upset about my "future" about how shit its going to be..about how i can't see anything clearly..about how i can't see anything working out for me...so i sat on my bed and sobbed, stared at my arm for a while, imagined doing it...and then it eventually took over and i grabbed for the razor...

To see the blood once more, dripping off my skin...it brang me some solace...some peace, you know?

Until about half hour after...i felt stupid and weak. I regretted it, big time.

But i only done it out of desperation...to stop my head spinning, to stop the angry, aggressive thoughts...to stop the inner pain.

The last couple of weeks have just been hell..its like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.

I'm left feeling utterly disgusting and depressive again.

"I hate myself and i want to die" is what i wrote on one of my blood stained tissues that night.

What is wrong with me?

It was either pills or the blade...i chose the blade...but neither of those options are healthy...

 

Christmas is coming up..incase you didn't know...

I'm not even the least bit excited?

I just feel empty.

Buying presents doesn't bring me joy, looking at christmas stuff doesn't make me smile...i'm just an empty shell again...wondering about the town looking for stuff for people they'll probably only use once then stuff in in a closet never to be seen again.

Shit. I am so damn miserable. It shouldn't be like this...i'm only 20. I should be enjoying every minute i can...i'm more like a hermit.

I'm not looking forward to the day...fake a smile, fake a laugh, stuff your face..then feel fat.

My mum and me have sort of come to a decision about it, we might just stay home and have it together instead of going all the way to my grandparents..where everyone is oh so...FAKE. I love that word.

It does sound shitty right? Home for Christmas? But we've done it before...it is cheery and happy. And we'll go see the family probably before it arrives anyway?

I have got an early present from her though, it is.........an abs toning belt! Time to tone this belly!

It's like the lazy girls workout...you simply strap it round yourself, and it sends electric signals to your nerves, causing your ab muscles to tense..basically a sit up...without doing the hard work. 20 minutes is equivelent to 120 sit ups! Plus there are workout levels on it...beginner, intermidiate and expert...it goes up to an intensity level of 99...i'm already on 51, which is already like a very intense stomach contraction! The higher you go the quicker you'll see results! It says it takes about 1 month to see a change if used 5 times a week...but fuck it. I'm using it everyday if possible! I'm impatient. Long as my stomach doesn't kill me for it! I don't want to wake up unable to move!

So hopefully...by Christmas i'll notice a difference! No more podge!

I'm hopefully if possible going to take it to S's tomorrow...because i am staying at his til Friday...and i don't want to go 5 days without using it.

I'm getting the train on my own tomorrow...not all the way to his, he's meeting me half way. But it is a start to conquering my fear though, right? Baby steps.

It will be an hours worth of train ride on my own, which is good for a start...i think. All in all it takes about 2 hours from mine to his...so...i'm doing half the time on my own? Just not half the stations...I can't conquer them all on my own...just yet.

I'm gonna get there early, so i wont panic...which means getting up at...8am..time for shower, packing and getting my nerves under control.

Wish me luck...i better go to bed because its...1.15am...i'll never be up at this rate.

 And here's fucking hoping S doesn't notice the marks on my arm....this is going to need a ton of foundation to cover...

 

Love you all,

 

Astra x



When Are Things Going To Change?

 

Hey girlies,

 

Sorry i've been a bad blogger!

I just ran out of things to say, i didn't wanna bore you with the same old shit :(

I'm ill at the moment, which doesn't help my mood!

Bloody heavy cold, sore throat, body aches all over...you know!

So things haven't really changed...i realied today i'm meant to pick up my next set of pills...now ive realised how little i've taken this month...i still have a whole packet left! But i have to pick up my next set otherwise the doctors are going to get suspicious...bleh.

So i'm going to have to throw the ones i have left away!

I feel too ill to go do it though :(

I do really need to start taking them regular again...i'm falling apart without the help :/

I'm still not sure about taking the new pills though...i'm too scared...but if i don't i'm just gna be stuck in this same rut forever!...ergh.

 

So me and S are still constantly arguing...

He's a huge stress.

Constantly going on about how shit his life is...

Talking about moving out to his own place coz him and his mum are always at eachothers throats..and i've been witness to that...awkward.

He wants me to move with him still...but i'm just not ready to move so far away from my family and friends and the only way i could come visit would be by train...which of course you all know i'm terrified of.

And he doesn't know how to deal with my moods...if i get really down and depressed...how's he going to cope? I'll be so alone...plus if he gets into one of his "moods" literally where he shuts off for no reason and totally ignores me :S How am i meant to cope with that?

 

Things with mum are stil roughly the same...

She went on about how S still hasn't met the family yet...but to be honest i'm not fussed...yeah it's a little odd...but i don't really have a bond with any of them..on my mums side, they're just relations to me...not family.

They've judged me my whole life, comparing me to my cousins who have done soooo well in life...fuck off? I've had problems of my own. I don't want them judging him...

Plus my grandad has dementure...and its going to be so uncomfortable for me and him because he can be a little unpredictable...and if he suddenly forgets where he is, i don't want him chucking S out of the house because he has suddenly forgot who he is...it wouldn't be right...i'm just trying to think of everyone here, trying to make the best decision.

 

But anyway...life is still the same.

This has turned into a ramble...

I'm surprised you lot read my rubbish :)

But i love you for it <3

 

 

Astra x





I Don't Know What's Going On Anymore!

 

I'm at a loss with myself again.

I don't know how to think, feel, react...live.

I feel like i'm sinking again.

And at this point..lets say for the last few weeks, i can see rock bottom again.

The urge to cut is back with a vengeance...slight suicidal thoughts are entering my head again...the want, to OD etc...

I don't know who i am all over again.

I knew the progress i made wouldn't last.

I'm so so angry all the time.

My mum detests me...constantly shouting and screaming at me about every little thing i do...everything i do is wrong in her eyes. She hates me. And right now, i hate her too.

She looks at me with disgust in her eyes...she wont talk to me..and when she does its insults. She pisses me off to the max. And she knows she does...she knows which buttons to press to make me explode into a fit of rage which i then can't seem to control. I really can't. I just have so much anger in me, its unreal. She picks at everything i do. Blames me for everything, i'm not exaggerating. And then makes me out to be the cruel nasty one when i lose my temper? Because she gets me to the point where i'm screaming nearly at the top of my lungs, swearing my head off, going red in the face. I have to keep my cool best i can because if not, then she'll just ban S from staying over...which is supposed to be happening tomorrow...and then i know her insults will get worse. Because then she has to do them subtly, so he wont notice, but i sure as hell will. She always does it. It brings me down. Makes me feel  worthless and disgusting. And she even tries to turn S against me...insulting me at the same time!

She is being impossible to live with.

You know i'm so pent up with anger at the moment, that even when we are sitting watching tv, and i hear her chewing, i just want to throw her fucking dinner plate across the room and tell her to shut the fuck up. She has these little habits that drive me insane...like, chewing loud, doing everything and i mean EVERYTHING as if she's living in slow motion. The fact that, no joke, she pays more attention to the fucking cat than to me. And believe me...i hate that cat. She hisses, scratches, bites, lashes out. She's attacked both our faces before too, just literally jumped at them and clawed them to bits. But no. Even then, it MY fault the cat i like that because " She can sense i don't like her". WTF??!! She treats that cat with more respect than me. You don't see me running at her face with a knife though do you?!

I hate living here...i feel so alone.

And i bet, tomorrow when S turns up she'll make a massive scene, embarresing me about the fact i never asked her if he could stay...even though i've told her my plans for the last 2 weeks. I just know it. ANYTHING to wind me up and create yet more of an atmosphere.

 

I sound like a bitch right?

I'm really not...

I just cannot stand the woman at the moment, the way she's lashing out at me all the time.Screaming in my face, blaming me for all thats wrong in the world, insulting me in everything i do, laughing at me, calling me pathetic.

 

She's causing these feelings to arise again, i just know it...i can only take so much shit from her for this amount of time before it takes effect.

 

So yeah...S is coming down tomorrow...

And my head is already filled with doubt...because of the way i'm feeling, tomorrow just seems like one huge stress out. We are going to a halloween party Saturday, while i stay at his.. for a little while, ( So i'll be offline for about a week?) it'll be good to get away from home, but he's just as stressed as me with his mum too...so it'll be yet more atmosphere. Yes, i am looking forward to seeing him, i really am...but...theres something inside of me thinking...he doesn't really want to be here...i'm not good enough. He doesn't love me anymore...

I know i don't have any evidence to back this up...its just how i feel.

And to top it off...he said he really wants sex tomorrow...but my body looks foul. I've blown up in acne coz of the stress and anxiety, all over my face and chest, i feel chubby, i feel overall ugly. And i have huge bags under my eyes through lack of sleep, because i've barely slept this past month.

 

I just feel so alone.

I feel like my friends hate me...i've even tried talking to people i've lost contact with..and that failed. They didn't wanna know me.

I feel S doesn't love me half as much anymore.

And my own mother is repulsed by me.

 

I want my dad back, and i want to run away from all of this, to somewhere i'm wanted.

I'm filling up with tears now...so i'll leave it at this...sorry...this post wasn't meant to be this long.

 

 

I love you.

 

Astra x



Cry, Just Cry.

 

 

 

Dear lovelies,

 

2 years today...(technically yesterday seeing as it's past midnight) my dad, went to live with the angels.

I can't believe its been that long...doesn't seem it at all.

The days leading up to this day, all i've been doing is crying myself to sleep.

Wanting, needing him. Missing him like crazy...guilt racing through my mind.

A whole bunch of what if's.

I was a shit daughter to him...i should of been there for him, to help him through his depression...but how could i of helped him if he told no one? He just hid it through alcohol. How could i of helped him if i barely ever saw him once he got married?

But still...guilt pulses through my veins.

Maybe if i had told him about me, what i'm going through, he would of stayed?

I should of been there for him...but instead everyone turned their back on him...including me...

He has been threatening suicide for years...how was i to know this last threat wasn't going to be empty?

I love him so much...i just wish i had of told him...

I still feel like it's my fault.

( This is one very very long story being made extremly short here...simply because if i were to write out everything, it would take pages...)

 

Me, and my grandparents went to tend the grave today...it looks so much better, we planted new flowers, cleaned it all up and trimmed back the plants.

It looks peaceful and pretty again.

 

As for me...

I haven't been taking my meds again...2 weeks now...i just can't bring myself to...it makes me feel so weak and pathetic.

Sick even.

I want to be able to fight this alone, without the aid of pills...but it's not working.

Lately, i've just been in my own bubble...not seeing anyone, talking to anyone...just sitting in watching shit tv with junk food. Infact, the only reason i do go out, is purely just to get junk food.

I disgust myself.

I tried taking sexy pics for S the other night...i haven't analysed myself in the mirror in nothing but underwear for god knows how long....and my god...i now can see how much i've changed since i put on that 9(ish)lbs all those months ago.

I tried every sexy pose possible...my arse just looked huge. And my thighs...like tree trunks.

I just want him to still want me.

 

So i'm 5"3...and i've gone from about 90lbs to 100lbs.

Yeah...i'm curvier...but...i have no ribs, no massive thigh gap, no pointy hips...

I mean...everyone, including S says i look so much better for it...and yeah, don't get me wrong, a part of me does think that as well...i mean for one thing, it's so much easier finding clothes that fit and don't hang on me. But the other half of me thinks...where the fuck did the big thigh gap go?

I'm still a UK dress size 6-8 i think thats a US dress size 4-6?

But i still feel big.

I'm finding myself back in the cycle of comparing myself to every girl that walks past. How her hair is perfect, how her body is perfect, how her face is PERFECT.

I kind of miss the snide remarks " Oh look at her, she looks like a stick" because it meant i was thin...and people noticed.

I once had complete control over my eating habits...and thats how i managed to once get down to 84lbs. I guess that is on my medical records, from ages ago..so i guess thats why my old psychiatrist thought i maybe "anorexic" this time round? Not eating barely anything day in, day out, made me feel happier, in control. But now? I eat like there's no tomorrow. I eat and eat and eat until i feel physically sick....then carry on. I'm constantly craving food.

I look in the mirror and once again, i pretty much hate what i see.

Depression is a bitch.

I want a life...but i just can't hang on to one.

 

 

( This was going to be a verryyyy long post about how shitty i'm feeling again...maybe i'll save that for next time? I'm tired.)

 

 

I love you all, dearly,

 

Astra x

I Slipped.

 

 

 

I think i slipped a little...

I came so close to cutting last night.

I got my razor, did the whole ritual of burning it, you know...to"clean" it...and pressed it  up against my skin, i pressed down as hard as i could, so my other hand was shaking with the pressure, i kept it there...but i couldn't do it...so i pressed down again in another place...and again, and again, each time just leaving a deep red mark, i didn't bleed, nor did i cut, but i had to feel some kind of pain. I restrained myself from dragging it down my arm, i imagined the pain, i imagined the blood dripping onto my bed sheets. But i didn't do it. After leaving a dozen red indents in my arm, i put it away and left it.

I beat it. I beat the temptation.

Then came the pills.

I had a glass of water by my bed at the ready, i had all my pills.

I day dreamed for a while about taking them, what it would feel like, swallowing each one, waiting for them to take hold...

I imagined passing out, laying lifeless in my bed, unable to move.

With the darkness of death closing in.

I was staring at my drawer where i keep the pills for about half hour...contemplating.

But again...i beat it. Somehow.

 

That night, last night, i just sat on my bed crying, terrified.

I was up until 5am, tossing and turning, crying at each given moment, unable to turn my thoughts off.

I was so scared.

I was scared how alone i've become again, i'm scared about a future i may have now, i'm scared everyone around me will die, and i'll be left on my own. I'm scared of everything...and i still am.

I feel like i've relapsed a little again...

 

I'm feeling more and more isolated from people, once more.

I don't want to go out, i don't want to talk to anybody, see anybody.

It's all too much effort.

I want to be alone...but at the same time, i don't?

My life is non existent, i do nothing, every day.

Taking a shower, doing my hair, putting makeup on...it's all such effort...and for what?

To fake a smile, to put on a happy face, to be chatty...when all i want to do is shut up and be alone.

I don't want to be sociable...to be brutally honest...it bores me...only because of the fact, i have to be completly fake.

I don't talk to my friends about how i feel anymore, and now a few of them are on at me to get a job, move out..blah blah blah....so they think i magically cured myself? Like its all gone away? Just because i don't talk about it?

Gimme a break.

If it were that easy, i wouldn't be where i am now.

Still getting suicidal, still staring at thinspo, still hating myself, still sometimes not being able to leave my own house through fear, still filled with paranioa and anxiety, still staring at tumblr blogs filled with depression and hate. Still stuck in this rut of pure depression.

 

I'd have a career, id have moved out, id be happy.

 

 

A part of me does want to get better, it wants to move on, it wants to succeed, be happy...but the other half is too scared, it's still stuck in this pit.

I still cry myself to sleep some nights because i hurt, so badly.

It wont go away.

And it's nights like this, that i believe this will burden me for the rest of my days.

I'll die a nobody. Someone that gave nothing to society, only took. Someone that gave up.

Because some days, thats what i want to do, give up.

It just seems, as soon as i take a step forward, something drags me back down, whether it be a trivial thing, or something big...it will always get me.

 

Astra x

Stuck In A Rut.



So...i went to see my psychiatrist today at long last!!

I almost didn't make it, traffic was awful on the bus! And in the end i ended up an hour late!

But...i saw him anyway..had a catch up on things, he thinks i've improved a bit since i last saw him.

Obviously he knew about me going on the max dosage a while back, but having to stop because i was having bad side effects...so he suggested instead...as he thinks i'm "stuck" that i should go on another anti depressant, on top of my other pills.

These ones will apparently help me sleep and reduce my anxiety.

But i dunno what to do....i'll have a think on it i guess?

I had everything i wanted to say, all planned out in my head, i had so many questions and things to say, then as soon as i entered the room my whole mind went blank and i forgot everything...so it kinda feels a waste of time going...

I just don't want this kind of life anymore. I feel a failure..i have never had a job, live at home and just...exist? I have no purpose right now.

If i died, i wouldn't be missed, in the sense that i give nothing to society, i'm on benefits, so all i do is take. But...everyone is saying i'm not ready to jump into work, because it could set me back again, if i couldn't cope.

It's like my mum said the other day while discussing it, this illness is not stable, it changes from one day to the next, one day i could be fine to work, and the next i might be suicidal...so i wouldn't be reliable enough...

I just dunno...i hate this.

 

Astra x

Sorry I've Neglected You....

 

 

Sorry i've been away for so long...i've just had nothing important to update on...my life is just totally boring...same pills, same problems, same psychiatrist..blah blah...

I mean...i haven't cut in a month and a bit?

I haven't tried to OD...

But then again..nothing bad enough has happened to me so far yet to drive me to it...

I've tried to live a normal life...but in that...my life has become an existance again.

I barely do anything anymore.

I dunno...i'm just at a halt.

My life right now is going no where.

I want to move forward, get a job, move out, learn to drive...live in the real world.

But...i'm too scared.

I'm living in a bubble...and i'm so used to it, i'm terrified of joining the real world again.

I'm trying my best to move forward.

I'm trying to eat normally, not cut, not OD, not hate myself.

I can just about look in the mirror now..thats a step!

 

Anyway...

I'm sorry for ditching you all..i didn't mean to!

I'll catch up on everyone :)

 

I still love you guys

xxx


P.S: Sorry to Tiny Rose for worrying you, i saw your comment! I'm still alive, just! x



I Can't Shake This Feeling.

Today has been one of the worst days on record for me.

I'm sat here at 3am, writing this because i need to get this off my chest.

I spent the ENTIRE day in bed, because i physically couldn't get up.

I was simply too depressed.

Thoughts were flying through my mind, suicidal ones.

And it all started because me and S ended up having a huge argument all because i wouldn't answer the phone to him...long story short...

The other day, i was feeling very depressed..as per...

So he said he would call me, but i said no, i want to be alone...so 7 missed calls later, he texts me going..oh whatever.

And i'm like, what?

Then starts throwing abuse at me, swearing at me, because i make him feel like shit because i wouldn't answer my phone?

After i explained why.

So then today....he completly ignores my texts, til about 7pm, saying ohh i'm busy talk to you later.

By that point i am seriously considering walking out my house and fucking never coming back. I was feeling shit anyway...but then to hear my own bf who is supposed to love me, doesn't care?

And then when he does text me back eventually, he starts on me AGAIN. Over literally NOTHING.

So then, i gather up the strength to ask him " do you love and want to be with me?"

He replies with, "well have you found someone better then, its up to you what you wanna do"

So then i obviously start bursting out crying.

I asked him did he even care...he came back with

"Not right now, no"

He basically came to the conclusion, I need to change. ME.

Going on about how i take him for granted, and how i treat him like shit...blah blah blah.

Then suddenly stops the conversation with "i'm going to bed, i have work"

So now......

i have no idea what is going on.

And like i said before, S is the only one keeping me going. If i don't have him, i have nothing. And if i have nothing...well....whats the point?

I ended up playing around with a knife on the sofa, it was too blunt to do anything more than surface wounds.

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't function.

I'm back to feeling suicidal.

And i know this all may sound pathetic...but you have no idea how much i love this boy. My whole life revolves around him.

Literally anything these days can bring back old thoughts of ..you know what...just because i feel so stressed and tense and angry and shit.

I just can't cope with ANYTHING.

I know i make him sound like a complete asshole...but maybe some of this is my fault?..

Truth of the matter is.

If we break up. I'm gone.

I can't do this alone.

He is my life.

I refuse to go on without him.

I Give Up With People.

I mean i totally give up.

I can't do right for doing wrong today.

Seems like everyone has had a dig at me today, and what did i do??

FUCK ALL.

Everyone thinks they can get away with saying shit about me, bitching about me, having a go at me, over NOTHING.

For example, i put a "funny" status up on fb today, everryone took it the wrong way and assumed because i put it up, me and S had broken up!!

Then started fucking bitching about me to him, then me and him got into an argument about it, now he's sulking like a little child and wont talk to me. Over a fucking status!!

I'm sick and tired of people walking all over me.

Expecting the world.

Well guess what???

I don't have anything to give anymore!

I'm mentally and physically tired.

Losing weight again because my body refuses to keep food down, for over a month now.

Every bite i take i feel as if i'm going to throw up.

I dunno whats wrong with me.

You know i cried for a full hour over everything today, and couldn't stop.

I've just had enough. Of everyone and everything.

I don't want to have to justify every little thing i do.

I'm SICK OF IT.

Everyone expects me to be the strong one, the one who anyone can come to me with their problems and thinks i can solve them, well i can't! I have enough problems of my own, what don't they understand?

My whole body feels like it might implode where i'm so stressed.

I just want to shut myself away from everyone, away from the tension, away from the bitchyness, away from the problems of other people, away from faking smiles, away from just human beings all together.

Why can't for once someone wait hand and foot on me?

Am i not allowed to have one fucking day without someone judging me, causing me to break down like a stupid little girl.

I just want to hide away.

I want some mental peace.

I want to run away from everyone and never come back, start fresh somewhere...you know?



I Don't Know If I Want Suicide Or Not...

Now i'm stuck again...

I don't know what i want.

Suicide? No one should say this unless they mean it. It's not something to be taken lightly. It's death.

And in the past i have meant it, hence the OD's.

And it's entered my head again...but...i thought long and hard. Do i really have the guts to die? Because once i'm gone, i'm gone. No turning back.

Part of me is too scared...the other..can't take this anymore, how many times have i said that? ha.

I feel totally on my own.

No matter how many people i surround myself with, there is some kind of invisible wall up, blocking everyone out.

"Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around."

I can't take this feeling anymore.

I'm so angry all the time.

S keeps insinuating that i'm being "needy"

All because i say i need to see him....

Then goes off and insinuates that i'm not loving enough...

I CAN'T FUCKING WIN.

Then goes off in moody childish strops all because i was blunt with him, because quite frankly, i've had enough.
I get the feeling off of hi, that he's sick of me being like this, and if i don't "snap out of it" as to say, he'll leave me.

Sometimes, i just wish i wasn't ever in this situation.

I'm too nice. Way too fucking nice.

I treat people as if they're royalty...like, they are my meaning for life.

And i get nothing in return!!!

I watch every word i say, i make sure my actions wont hurt anybody else, i tip toe around everybody!

I'm bored of being nice.

Why is it the more genuine, nice and giving you are, the more of a prick the people on the other end act?

Oh yeah...and what doesn't help my mood either is that that cunt has moved her blog again, to another URL, so i can't find it.

Now i'm on the edge of my seat, biting my finger nails wondering what the fuck she is writing about me and S.

I've tried everything to try and find it, searching all through google, through twitter, through facebook, even creating fake accounts to track it down....NOTHING.

I'm getting obsessed.

I'm letting this rule my life.

Absoulutly NOTHING is going right.

I'm losing my grip on reality.

I have nobody anymore.

Everyone ran away, everyone is ok again....

While i'm still stuck in this cycle of self destruction.

I feel too old for this now? I feel pathetic.

I'm 20 for fucks sake.

Surely i should be ok? Surely i should just "get on with it"?

But no. It wont go away. It's still ruling my life.

Part of me wants to die before i hit 21. I truely do.

I'm still re-reading my Nancy Spungen book.

Just for the fact i can relate to her so much..apart from the drugs and shit.

She died before she hit 21, stabbed..either by herself or in a suicide pact with her Boyfriend Sid Vicious.

She lived her life through schizophrenia and depression, i know i'm not schizopherinic...but i can relate to the most part.

Read her book. It's amazing.

Bottom line is....i don't know what to do.

If i had a gun, it would be easy. Id do it for sure. But OD...it's a slow painful death. I don't know if i could handle that alone...but who would stand by and be with me while i died? No one is the answer. I wouldn't want to put someone through that anyway.

i just...don't know what to do...

Astra x



Sleep: Like Death, Without The Commitment.

I feel so alone.

No body i know understands the way i feel.

I haven't taken my pills regularly in a few weeks...just for lack of motivation to even get out of bed...and it's already taking effect.

I haven't bathed in days, i stink, my hair is a greasy mop and i look disgusting. i somehow have bruises all oer my legs.

The most part of my day is spent asleep...i can't get up to face anything anymore...

The reason for not taking my pills i hear you ask?

Well...i don't really know...i think it was because i was feeling so shit, thinking they aren't working anymore, they are causing so much acne its unreal, i just came to the conclusion, fuck it. Why should i try anymore? I'm tired of fighting.

Since i've stopped taking my pills regular, i'm finding that everytime i eat, i feel like i might throw up, so i'm not eating either.

Now i've come to the stage where i'm too tired to cut, to eat, to wash, to even try to commit suicide, i just feel utterly...nothing?

I feel no emotion.

I just sit in front of the tv all day, staring blankly.

I don't want to go out anymore.

I don't want to see anyone.

I don't want to talk to anyone.

I just want to be alone with my own nothingness.

I went to sleep over a friends the other night...

It was near enough impossible to keep that fake smile on my face.

To pretend i was ok.

To pretend like i was comfortable around them.

I don't want that anymore.

I heard meditation helps?

But i can't switch my mind off...

I want to meet my guardian angel.

I don't want to feel alone like this.

My room is a state...i'm normally a neat freak..but i just can't find the energy to clean...everything is a mess, everything is making me angry. I'm angry at everything and everyone. And i have no idea why. It's either anger or nothing.

I don't even have the motivation to clean my teeth! That's disgusting. But i'm so un-kept at the moment, it's a struggle to try and smarten myself up.

I'm just thinking, whats the point?

I'm not going to go out, i'm not going to see anyone, my life at this point in time sees no end to this day in day out misery, so whats the actual point in trying?

I don't look forward to tomorrow's because tomorrow brings nothing but the same old shit.

I'm not sure if i want to die, i just want this to end.

Everything is getting on top of me, making me angry, not quite suicidal, just...at that point where i cannot be bothered anymore.

Astra x

I Can't Do This. I Just Fucking Can't.

I'm not going to make it to 21.

I can't live in this torture anymore.

I found out today...just now, he was going to leave me for her...

S was going to leave me for that cunt.

I can't take this anymore!!!!!!!!!

I'm a fucking mess.

I had a suicide pact once...i wish i kept it. Looks like i'm going out on my own now.

I don't give a fuck who calls me selfish for doing what i plan to do.

It's my life and i can end it if i want.

It's either a massive OD with vodka.

Or lay on some train tracks near where i live.

No one goes up to the tracks, so no one would find me.

I have so many packs of pills in my drawer, enough to kill a horse probably.

I'm in a self destruct mode right now.

Oh hey razor..where have you been?

If i can't live for him then i don't want to live at all.

I have nothing left.

Sorry for this shit post...

Astra x

I Need To Stop...

I need to stop stressing

I need to start relaxing.

I need to start enjoying my life

I shouldn't have to live by everyone elses expectations and rules.

It's MY LIFE. I shouldn't feel guilty for the way i want to live it.

I need to live for ME. Not other people.

I need to make my own rules.

Why should i care if i hurt people? They all hurt me.

No one cares if they hurt me, why should i always be the one to pick up everyone elses shit?

I have to stop being so tense about everything.

I'm such a doormat.

Fuck people.

I need to start fighting back. I need to find ME again, because i don't know who that is anymore.

I'm sick and tired of petty arguments...i hate being shouted at, moaned at, bitched at.

I want someone to love me, for me, i don't want to be used, abused and tossed aside when ever someone feels like it.

I want to be loved, adored, admired, i want someone to be loyal to me, respect me.

It's MY LIFE. Why should i care what others think of me?

I'm gna die someday anyway.

And when i do, i'll have lived life my way.

Go out in a blaze of glory.

I can't be asked with shit anymore.

I hate my life. And i hate me.

I'm so angry.

I just want to die.

Astra x

FML

Dear lovelies,

I'm in a dark place...

I just want this to end.

After next week i'm not going to see S for months, because he is getting rid of his car...

I can't deal with that. I need him.

I feel so alone. So scared.

My mum is going to my nans tomorrow, so i'll be alone.

B doesn't want to know me because he saw me and S the other day, all happy....i think that hurt him.

I just don't know what to do...

I'm so down...

My acne is so bad i don't even want to go out the house.

Doctors gave me some pills for it, only to find out later, that they can cause suicidal thoughts....so obviouly couldn't take them.

I feel like taking my sleeping pills tonight, all of them, so i can just rest.

I bought myself a laptop. which i'm currently blogging on, i thought this would make me feel better. Only lasted a few hours.

Nothing helps, not seeing friends, not retail therapy,not being alone, not getting so wasted you can't stand up..nothing. I'm stuck in this vicious circle or self hatred and depression.

I don't know what i'm doing with my life.

I don't see a future.

I haven't self harmed in about a month and a half. But i know after next week, after knowing i wont be able to see S, i'll most probably do it.

Because i wont have to hide it from him, i wont care.

I wish i didn't  love him so much...

I just can't cope with this...it's never ending. I heard on the tv the other day, depression can go on for years and years, never ending...i've had this on and off since i was 13..how many more years have i got to put up with this?

I love you all dearly,

Astra x

 

I'm Still Alive...

So...i'm still alive. After another failed attempt at an OD.

How much does it take to die for fuck sake?

I've come to realise that this wont go away...and i have to live through this pain, either for the rest of my life, or for a long time to come yet.

I don't remember when i last genuinely smiled or felt happy.

All i remember is pain. Sad but oh so true.

Sorry i scared you....

I'm so stupid i can't even kill myself properly.

I wont go on about how miserable i am, or how life is terrible and how i feel so numb and hopeless because i've written it a million times, and you're probably sick of reading it! 

No wonder i lost a follower....

I don't know where my life is heading...or who i can rely on anymore, even B isn't talking to me anymore for some unknown reason.

The only person in this world you can rely on is yourself. And even sometimes i can't even do that.

I gave my heart away, opened up, tore down my walls to so many"friends" who now don't talk to me, or ignore me, or have replaced me with a better model. I've never felt so alone as i do now...

I can't even get an app with my psychiatrist for another 2 months apparently all because i was too ill to go, well sooorrryyy!

Doctors tomorrow to pick up more pills...ergh.

I'm so depressing aren't i? LOL.

I love you guys,

Astra x

Goodbye.

I can't take this anymore.

I'm a burden to everyone.

My friends have ditched me...and unless blogger has a technical issue no one comments anymore...which means no one gives a fuck.

I'm sorry but living just isn't worth it anymore.

I've written my good bye notes.

I have a bottle of vodka and pills.

I'll never forget you.

Astra

x

No Body Cares Anyway.

So the 2 weeks with S went well....too well....only had 1 episode.

The bitch is still getting to me....tweeting about him..about me....wont let it go.

I miss my best friend...i miss her so much...i pushed her away because i was scared she would walk...just like everyone else....i bet she's doing better without me anyway. I seem to drag everyone down..all the time. I drag a big black cloud everywhere i go.

She's better off without me.

I just miss her....

Everything is shit.

Everyone is better off without me anyway.

I just want to die again.

I'm fed up of this life.

Me and S haven't got  a future while i'm like this....

No body cares.

And i don't blame you.

Insecurity.

My loves,

So...i found out that she is STILL going on about S despite my threats with the police.

I'm trying to not let it get to me too much...because i'm meant to be staying at S's for 2 weeks to get away...so 2 weeks of insecurity wont help.

I need to be stress free for once.

NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

Saw B the other day, we had a chat about things, he's got his own flat now, so i can pop over whenever i like, haha. I'll take advantage of that i think! He makes me feel less stressed.

Hopefully these 2 weeks away will help me a  little...but thing is, i'll be alone in the house all day for a few days a week because S got his new job..which is like a 2 hour drive away...

This is what worries me...after the 2 weeks are up..when will i fit into his schedule?

Erghh....must stop stressing!!!

My skin has broken out in acne again...really really badly.......this will help my self esteem! 

NOT.

I feel so ugly =/

I hate looking in the mirror....

One good thing about being away is that i wont have to eat much :)

FLAT STOMACH!!!!!

I've been gorging on everything since they upped my pills again...it really effects my appetite!! I'm trying to drink water instead of binging...not really working...

So yeah....thats my life so far this week...boring as hell because i barely get out anymore again...

Depression is kicking my ass. Badly.

Fuck the world.

Fuck my depressing life.

And fuck you depression!!!!!

See you in 2 weeks ( Maybe)

Astra x

I Don't Know How I'm Still Alive...I Really Don't.

So...here i am again.

The cunt got to me again...i ended up punching my walls so hard my fists bled and puffed up so bad with bruising. Thats what you get for punching walls full pelt.

Basically...she posted on her blog ( Which yes, i stalk because i'm paranoid) how i'm a stupid slut, how S cares more for her than me, how he slagged me off to her and how i'm a terrible gf. And how HE LOVED FUCKING HER.

Fucking CUNT.

She posted all that for me to see!!!!!

All about me and him. About him loving fucking her???? And how she could probably do it again.

WTF.

So me and S ended up in an argument about it and he blamed me for looking on her blog. So i made up a little story....i told him the police came round and got a written statement off me and i out in a formal complaint. But i didn't...it was just to shake him up a bit....

In reality i just messaged her saying if she does this again i WILL involve the police. It's harassment.

But why must she keep dragging it up? It's been 2 months now LET IT DROP. She's fucking obsessed. I swear! 

She is trying to break me and S up because we are ignoring her and her stupid childish ways. But it wont work. IT WONT. I'll make it not work.

It's put me in the worst depressive state i have been in a while...not my normal depressed state...but a state where i feel completely numb and emotionless and lost and scared and alone. Completely alone.

This will never end.

I told the doctor today i feel in a never ending cycle. I want this to end! I want it to be like a physical illness, wher they can give you a time limit where the pain will end...but there is no time limit on this...it just keeps dragging on and on.....

They have diagnosed me with Dysthymia disorder too...because the depression has dragged on so long. The numbness that i feel is that apparently, on top of my other depression.

The upped my pills AGAIN. Because i had another "episode",i hallucinated in my bedroom and saw things in my room...like shadows of people and shit...

So thats been my day...another day in misery.

Id rather be dead than this.
Then i wouldn't have to put up with this draining misery.
Suicidal thoughts returning....

Astra x

I'm Back...Again!

Hello my dear beauties,

I haven't blogged in a while because quite honestly, nothing has changed, i'm still living everyday in complete and utter misery. i still feel suicidal from time to time, i still hear things,i still hate myself, i sstill think i'm the ugliest thing in the entire world, i still hate my body, i still just as depressed as before.

I had a complete break down on S's birthday...we went out for a meal with his family...i started to feel panicy all of a sudden( I know wy, because i thought S had looked down my phone and seen the txts from B and taken them the wrong way)..all through the meal i thought people were laughing at me, staring at me. This lasted for an hour...until S drove back to his, and i suddenly felt like the whole world was going to fall on me, i burst out crying, sobbing in his car...hyperventilating. And you know what  he did? Ignored me. Because he couldn't handle me. When we got back to his, i just ran upstairs to his room and sobbed. I had left my pills in his room and just kept staring at them, as though in a trance, contemplating taking them and running out the house to die. Fortunately S came in his room before i had the chance..and we argued like hell. I just kept screaming at him to take notice, to cuddle me and comfort me...and his excuse was " He couldn't handle me like this"...and then i ended up bringing the cheating thing back up...then we argued some more...screaming at eachother....i told him i still feel the pain, the anger, the heart ache that he caused. He told me to hit him..but i didn't...i couldn't bring myself too. We ended the argument and ended up hugging on the bed...when he started crying. It turned out ok in the end..once everything was out. Didn't help i was still in a suicidal mood ad kept going on about how life is shit and how we should just go away some where, where no one could find us. And went on about how no body cares about us and shit...i think i scared him with my insane ramblings.

I still don't see my future...this bi-polar shitty depressed thing has dragged on for so so long now...i feel it's never going to end. I can't see the light at the end of my tunnel. I mean, i'm still feeling suicidal, i still contemplate overdosing. Thats not normal is it?

In other news...i'm seeing my friends more..or at least trying...i feel like i'm getting left behind...everyone is either moving out, having babies, or getting a job. And i'm not doing any of those things. I'm stuck in a child like state of mind. Living at home. I'm beginning to like going out with my friends now a little rather than it feeling like a chore to even step out of the house.

I'm also trying to be good with my money, saved £360 so far..i dunno what that is in dollars, sorry. So at least i am saving for some sort of future.

I hope you are all well, i love you guys so much

Astra x

Be Strong, Be Independent.

Dear beauties,

I'm still the same ol' fucked up girl as i've always been.

Nothing will change.

I can't see a bright happy future right now. 

I can only see darkness and pain, that will never end. This has been going on for so long and it doesn't seem to have an end.

I'm trying so hard to think positive about things, about my life..but i can't because deep down all i feel is pain. On the surface it's easy to fake it, fake being strong, fake being happy, fake being tough, fake like nothing bothers me, but scratch that surface away and i'm a fucked up neurotic insecure paranoid depressed mess.

I learnt not to lean on anyone this week, because no matter how good things get, its only temporary. Nothing good lasts.

I've leaned on S far too much...and yet again he has let me down, let me fall into a pit of depression. I feel like he doesn't care right now because he isn't bothered when his next going to see me, he is ignoring my texts....whats the point? I thought things were going too well. I shouldn't of made myself believe that this could last.

I can't base my existence around him. But i am, and i can't help it because quite honestly, he is the only thing on this planet that is keeping me alive. Without him, if i lost him i would simply go on self destruct mode and i would commit suicide, because i lean on him far too much, because when he is away, the depression takes hold. I know that sounds pathetic, so id kill myself because i wouldn't have him etc...but its true...he is the only thing keeping me going. And when he's like this i can't bare it.

I thought i could see a glimmer of hope at the end of my dark tunnel, and now it's gone again. This is why i feel i'm getting no where fast, because even the tiniest thing can set me back for days. It's stupid.

I feel un-loved and un-wanted.

I'm always there for him...why can't he be there for me?

Maybe this is just another blip in the relationship...but now it's just made the depression take hold again. I can't stop it. I'm so fucking messed up.

I'm Not Dead!

Hello lovelies,

i'm not dead!...just my life hasn't been interesting as late....

Same ol' crap!

My pills have been upped now, now taking 100mg of my bi-polar pills, then it's gna be upped to 150mg later in the month...i am literally a walking zombie!

I have no energy at all!

Stuff with S has been sorted...i think.

My mum allowed him in the house and had a MASSIVE go at him!!

I think he learnt his lesson...except....

She is still tweeting about him. He told me it's not about him...but i know full well it is.

I still have trust issues.

I still dunno if his lying to me about talking to her....

Plus B wont talk to me now...because basically, a few weeks ago, i thought S was talking to that  whore behind my back as she was tweeting about him and shit...and i found this out while with B...so i said, "I'm breaking up with him"! ...which gave B false hope....but then i found out that in fact he wasn't talking to her..so i kinda took back everything i said, and stayed with S...so in turn..really hurt B...bleh. I just want a simple life.

The bi-polar has been playing havock with my brain...it wont leave me alone...one minute i'm ok, and happy, and cheery, next, i'm on the floor depressed as fuck cutting. Yes...i broke my cycle of not cutting and did it last week...i felt awful about it...more scars to cover up. S wasn't impressed and kept grabbing my arm and looking at the damage...his been trying hard lately to make it up to me, talking about moving in together when i'm better, having a family, getting engaged...it feels nice....i just wish i could trust him.

Of course i want to be happy..i want a family, i want to move out...but i can't because of my fucking mental brain. I'm so worried...i'm 20 years old, i've never had a job because of this, i have stupid scars all up my arm, i can never have a baby for as long as i'm on these pills, and even when i do eventually come off them, what effect will it have on the baby? The pills could have damaged my body for life!, and god knows how long i'll be on them for!! I can't move out, because of the benefits i'm on, if i move out, they'll be on my back constantly! And expect me to get a job...i can't move forward at all...and i don't know how long for. I'm stuck, until god knows when.

I want to move forward...but i simply can't. Because i'm not allowed. I'm so scared when i think about the future ( when i can see one).

All my life consists of now is, waking up at 2pm, watching TV, eating and then sleeping again...i'm damn sick of it!!

Astra x

It Wont Go Away

I don't really know where to start...

I feel awful again, i'm so angry at nothing, i'm so depressive all of a sudden.

I want to cut, so badly....

I just want to feel happiness again

All i can feel is pain and hurt...i can't stop thinking about that thing with S, i'm constantly checking his fb and twitter just incase she's talking to him again...i'm constantly checking her fb and twitter too because she keeps writing about him and it's tearing me apart!!

I'm letting a stupid little 17 year old cunt hurt me. That's fucking pathetic.

I'm so pathetic!!!!!!!!

I'm soooo fucking angry! I'm always in the mood for a full blown argument all the time, i could easily just lay into someone verbally. Maybe physically who knows.

I went out last night with a few old mates

I ended up drinking a bit too much and getting depressive in front of my mate...lets call him F.

We aren't really close....we just are mates i guess?

I ended up pouring my heart out to him..how embarrassing and stupid. Coz he knows C....

F kept saying i should just dump S, coz his a stupid prick etc...

He kept saying how amazing i was and shit...i don't believe it...but if thats what he thinks, i'll let him.

I'm trying to do at least 200 wall press ups a night now, i need to get stronger!!

I'm so fucking weak.

This post doesn't make much sense to me anymore so i think i'll stop....

I'll probably go have an argument with S now to let off some steam...then cut.

I need to get it out of my system

God i've changed so much again...where the fuck did i go??

Astra x

Fuck This

This is a sort of  letter to my friends,

Yes i still love you.

The reason i haven't been in contact is because i've been more than suicidal these past days.

SORRY. K?

I tried to kill myself again ok?! Pills, pills, pills!

Because i'm living a lie.

I can't cope with all these things that have been going on. Especially with S.

The little cunt that he did that with, i am going to destroy her. I've already been working out, so i'm stronger. So i can eventually when i see her punch her in the fucking face like she deserves. I will slice her fucking throat. Especially after i find out that she posted things on her twitter about me.

I'm angry all the time.

I prefer to be alone again.
I want my revenge on the world. I want to say a big FUCK YOU.
I want to sleep around.
I want to be noticed.
I want to stuff my face.
I just need someone to notice me for once.
I want someone to look me in the eyes and ask me, whats wrong? So i can blurt my heart out to them. I'm tired of covering up.
I'm not me right now.

So there, friends. Thats why i haven't txt you.

Because i tried to end it again. Because i can't do this!!!

So there. Like it or leave it. I couldn't care less right now.

All i want to do is lay down and cry.

So stop with the abuse.

Peace out.

Well That Didn't Last Long!

Dear lovelies,

Well, my self loathing has returned!

I want a flat stomach again!! I'm sick of these curves!! I want to see ribs!!!

So....next week i'm investing in some good ol' laxatives.

Hopefully they'll help get my flat stomach back!

Anyway.....

I went to see my new psychiatrist today, ( He was Chinese) So tbh....i couldn't really understand what he was saying!! Ooops. So...i went through the whole routine, of how are you feeling etc... and told him i have't self harmed in a month, how i'm not feeling so suicidal anymore, how i've put on weight etc....then went through all the bad bits....like...how i still hate myself, how i did try to kill myself last month through OD. How i still get severly depressed etc, then high....blah blah blah....

Until he came to the conclusion....i need the maximum dosage of  the pills i'm on.

Thats 150mg! Double what i'm on now.

I'm gna be a walking zombie!! I already get really tired from what i'm on now, if i up the dosage, i'm going to be falling asleep all over the place! But hey ho!

I'm seeing S tomorrow, hopefully it'll go well...i'm going back to his at the weekend, so you'll hear about my adventures on Monday! haha.

Shopping spree tomorrow too!! YAY!!

Astra x

(Sorry for this boring post!)

Confusion And Worry

Hello my beauties,

Doesn't that picture say what we are all thinking?

There is no life outside this illness.

I'm for one, trying my best these days to think positive about things, about my weight, looks and emotions, just an overall better outlook on life.

Although it's proving pretty hard.

I think i'm winning with my weight, i can now see the curves, not the fat. I can see boobs!! Not fat thighs. So i'm trying my best.

I still think i'm ugly, but i'm learning to deal with it...if i can?

God gave me this body...so i have to live with it.

I have acne..it will go, i'm flat chested, who said you need boobs to be sexy? I'm short, but i don't want to be tall, I'm pale, but i kinda  like the vampire look, I'm not your typical sexy girl, but who wants to be in your face sexy anyway? It leave nothing to the imagination.

I'm me. A unique individual.
Although i still find myself on tumblr looking at thousands of beautiful girls.

Things with S are....confusing?

I thought i wanted to be with him again...i thought i could forgive him.

Then we got into another argument....and said

" Just coz i cheated doesn't mean you can treat me like shit"

I don't. I treat him with more respect then he should get right now.

So...we argued.

And it made me re-think things again.

B is being amazing.

Which makes me think things over AGAIN.

I dunno what to do...

S should be making an effort...and his not, he's just acting as though nothing has happened and thinks he can get away with talking and treating me the same.

For example...

Yesterday, he txt me saying i couldn't stay over his this weekend, because his mum wouldn't let me. So i said, just come up for the day then to see me, and he responded with, oh, fuck that. I'm not doing that!

THANKS.

So...that made me feel shit.

In the end, it turned out i could stay over. At his dad's. Maybe?

I just dunno what to do right now. I need to be happy...i just don't know if that happiness lies with him...

Oh yeah! And i got a new tattoo :) It's a flower fairy sitting on pretty flowers, all pink and stuff :) ( No, i'm not normally girly! I just love fairies)
On my ribs...which just as a pre-warning......NEVER GET THEM ON YOUR RIBS!! IT FOOKING KILLS!!

Astra x