I don't know where to start...
I'm going round in circles here...
I looked in the mirror today, in the dress im going to wear for new years...and just thought...fuck. You're ruining that pretty little dress with that disgusting body of yours.
I'm sinking again.
I feel so sad...ugly and i'm so tired...
Tired of this pathetic life i'm living.
I got offered a sort of job the other day...doing what i had studied in college, just a few days a week, profits split 60/40 to me, as i wouldn't have to rent a room in the salon...and i so want to do it....this is the perfect oppurtunity...but i can't, once they know i'm on this benefit, they'll ask why...and i'll have to tell them...i'm still cutting, still feeling suicidal, still having nightmares, still having days where i can't get out of the house...how can i possibly work? What if i have a panic attack there? They aren't going to want a severly depressed girl with bi-polar tendancies who self harms and thinks of ODing from time to time...i'm not reliable...some days i could make it out...others, i can't leave my bed.
I'm a complete failure.
Everyone around me thinks i'm "so much better" but truth is...most of that " happiness" is complete acting. Because in my head, i'm thinking...if i don't show big progress soon, people are going to leave me.
I've been on "sick benefits" for nearly 2 years now...this wasn't the plan!
I wanted to make something of myself!
I don't feel good enough for anybody to love...
I feel like S is losing faith in me to ever make something of myself...i feel like he's slipping away...he isn't proud to call me his girlfriend. Why should he be? I don't work...i don't drive...i still live at home. I keep thinking he's going to leave me...because he wants someone better for himself. His family want better for him than me.
But they don't understand!!!! No body around me understands!!!
No one knows the torture i live everyday. The nightmares i live with.
No body gets it. No body truly knows who i am.
Because if people knew...they would leave.
If people knew i cut, and when i cut i go as deep as i can, the pleasure i get from it is incredible. The blood. If people knew i've ODed...and sometimes still crave to, the buzz from popping those pills, one by one...If people knew i used to eat just 200 calories a day at times, watching eat bite of food, pulling my fat, watching myself fade away til i saw collarbones prutruding, til i saw my front and back ribs, til my hips were so pointy there was a huge gap between me and the underwear, til my stomach concaved. If people knew i daydreamed about killing myself. In detail. If people read my diary..the disgusting vile, freakishly weird shit...if people knew how i saw the world, the fucked up things i think, really fucked up....if people REALLY knew who i was, they would leave.
I'm wasting away in this life...doing nothing but watching tv, laying in bed til ridiculous hours...doing NOTHING. Watching the world go by.
I'm sure friends, family and S are starting to think i want this? I want to be a waster. But i DON'T! I hate it. I hate me for doing it. I want to work, drive, live alone...but they don't understand true depression. Depression so deep inside me i've had it since i was 15! All this time i've been struggling, wading through this mud.
I got weighed at the doctors Wednesday, 44.4kg BMI of 17.3.
That means i've lost a couple of pounds...and i was happy.
I can't go back there again. I can't start wanting to lose weight again...but its there...that little craving to restrict...its there.
NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHO THE FUCK I AM!!!
No one gets what depression is doing to me.
It restricts my life to the point of being bed bound.
Everyone just says,
"Get over it, get up, face the day with a smile, people are worse off than you, snap out of it"...etc, etc...
IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK LIKE THAT!!!!
No one here gets it...and i guess that's why i feel so damn alone.
And i guess thats why i cry myself to sleep.
Now i just feel like this was a whole " attention seeking" post...it really wasn't.
Astra x
Hey.. You don't seem attention seeking at all darling, in fact the very opposite.. I wish there was something I could do and hope I could give you, you are so strong for fighting those feeling and you are stronger than you know.
ReplyDeletePeople are there for you because they care.. I know it's hard to believe because I feel the same "why does anyone care? Why should anyone care? When I don't even care about myself??".. I wish I could do something to help but in fact I feel just like you right now.. Keep your head up, no one knows your struggle but here we understand.. You are stronger than you could ever imagine.. Trust me you are.
All my love x
Not attention seeking at all sweetheart. I understand how you feel. How you feel like you want to do all of these things, but you can't bring yourself to. How you have to fake happiness and you feel S is going to leave you. That's how I feel in my relationship as well. Hold in there dear. You've got us.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
I understand sweetie, I don't drive or work either. If this is a job that you want to do, I think you should go for it, and if it doesn't work out, you can always quit. If you are afraid of telling them what you have been going through but need to tell them something, then try to explain it as a strength - that are compassionate or that you can overcome adversity, something like that.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you have to pretend to be happy, you deserve real happiness and I hope that you can experience it again one day. The people around you definitely care for you, please remember you are worthy of their love.
Alice xx