Please Don't Burst My Pretty Little Bubble...

Hello beautiful girlies!

Today had been a BINGE FREE DAY!! 

HORRAY!!! :D

I did it!...i managed well under 1000 cals for the whole day!..maybe even just 500!

So pleased! :)

My mother has been on at me all day though...

"Why aren't you eating?! Your losing weight!, Are you starving yourself??"

It's been abit annoying.

Sometimes i really do feel like shouting,

"YES I AM STARVING MYSELF. NO I DON'T EAT!!!"

But...that would blow my secrets...my dark secrets that i keep hidden from everyone

Only on here is it known.

And only on here will it stay.

In other news....

I managed to customise my jeans for that new years party :)

All punked up and ready to go!..now i just need a shirt....

I cut my old black jeans off at the knee, pierced some studs through from an old belt

And just scribbled all over them! HAHA!

Sounds tacky..but looks good!

I plan to good damn good that night!

S is meant to be picking me up tomorrow to go back to his...

But he hasn't got a SAT NAV anymore...so doesn't know the way...

That means i could be waiting around ALL day for him...

NOT GOOD.

But i do plan to gt utterly wasted that night!...I don't care about the calories

( Just for one night).

I desperately need a good night out :(

For once...i feel slightly..."normal"

FUCK the depression FUCK the eating issues FUCK everything!

I'M GOING TO BE NORMAL!!!

(Just for one night)..please?

So thats all the good stuff...onto the bad?

You knew this was coming... -___-

The threatening texts from the BF's mates have started....

This happened last time...i'm just waiting for it to esculate.

I got texts with..." He is trying to kill himself because of you. You selfish cow. He is in so much pain"

ETC....ETC....ETC.

WTF??!!

To obviously....the BF has only told his half of the story..making out like i'm the bad one?

They know NOTHING of what his put me through. What his done to me.

What I'M going through.

So there you have it.

He is "trying to suicide" And it's all MY FAULT.

He should of thought of that BEFORE he treated me like scum.

I dunno....i still have my weak moments where i'd do anything just to be with him again..happy. But i know thats never going to happen. I have to concentrate on me now. And S. Maybe we could be happy?...

Much love,

Astra x

P.S: If i don't post for a few days, i'm still at S's So no blogger! :( But i shall post when i get back and update you all! :D
If i don't speak to you before New years....
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! xxx 

BONES, BONES....& Well (Fuck My Life).

I hope everyone has had a nice Christmas!

I know i did! With or without the binging. We went round to my Grandma's house

with the cousins.

Was a right laugh :) Couldn't stop laughing throughout the whole day :)

Got some money, a photo album of my Dad, among other stuff!

Pretty good turn out me thinks.

This is a new start. No more binging.

It's back to restricting to under 1000 calories a day.

( The amount of calories i should consume should be on average over 2000)

So i guess it works out well!

No more than 1000 calories during the week.

Weekends, i shall allow a TINY. allowance just to stop the binging on EVERYTHING.

Calories consumed so far:

Little bowl of cereal: Around 200 calories. 

It's only about 3pm...so still a way to go yet. 

So onto other business... 

I have well and truely fucked things up.

NO EXAGGERATION.

I told S about everything...and i mean EVERYTHING.

The cutting, the thoughts, the paranoia....

He still hasn't given up on me...Just WOW.

He said he will help me through. He wont give me up. He still loves and wants me.
He even said i could have access to his FB, so i can check his messages if i get too paranoid!? 

Thing is...

I'm having second thoughts...

I've tried my best to break up with my BF. And i can't do it..and 

TIME IS RUNNING OUT.

I tried last night...and he wouldn't let me. He told me this isn't over. We are not breaking up.

This is just temporary. He can't live without me. And then went offline from FB..and never came back.

NOW WHAT???!!!!

I need some serious guidance here girls...

 I know he wont change deep down...I know he will make me feel horrible again.

But...I don't want to be without him...

I realised that last night.

I cried myself to sleep because of it.

Because i'm so damn confused....

I want to be with S..it's just..he lives so far away....2 hours away in fact.

We had a long conversation about it..the fact i can't get on trains to go see him because i'm physically afraid of them...I can't drive..so i can't get to him that way either. 

He said it was OK...He would make the journeys...But i can't help thinking that he wont. 

I love them both. What have i done...?

You know because of this....

My arm is a complete mess.

I cut..and cut...and cut. Until i couldn't anymore because it hurt too much.

When i wiped the blood away, it didn't look too bad.

It made my arm swell up. Don't know why.

I literally couldn't stop...once i saw blood..i wanted ( NEEDED) more.

I thought i deserved it.

1: For binging so much.

2: For fucking up everyones lives. Including mine.

I feel so utterly lost...

I want S.

But do i take the risk? Risk losing EVERYTHING.

For him?

I'm meant to be spending new years with him still..but right now...

I don't know if i want to.

Everything is such a mess.

On top of everything...i have College work to do...

LOADS.

Help me somebody....?

Astra x 

 

Oh Christmas, Why Must You Be A Binge-mas?

     Don't you just hate Christmas food?!

My mum went out the other day and bought loads of Christmas junk.

A.k.a: FOOD.

It's so not fair! I've sort of taught myself to now hate mince pies. I stuffed my face full of them,

 and now everytime i look at them, i feel sick! :)

You girls should try this! It puts you off food!

HAPPY DAYS!!!!!

Not happy with the amount of food i consumed today though.

Food intake:

-Breakfast- 150 cals

-Crisps, chocolate & Sweets- 1000? Cals.

-Pasta with tuna and ham-1000+ cals?

It's getting ridiculous now! I'm getting to the point where i eat so much

i feel sick afterwards. I can't purge because my stomach wont allow it.

I'm finding it harder and harder to restrict everyday.

It's a lose/lose situation!!!

HELP ME!!!!!!!!

On a happier note though..... i re-dyed my hair again :)

Back to purple!...Although it looks more purple and black mixed up..=/

I swear i can NEVER win with my hair!

It was an attempt to make myself feel better though....kinda worked....

Hair is like a mane!..If it looks good, you feel good! :)

If it looks bad...Your fucked. -___- 

Kinda ruined the bathroom is the process though..Oops.

It is now covered in stains of purple! :)...I like to think i brought a bit of colour to the room :)

  Still need to go Xmas shopping..... 

There is just still so much snow!!!...And now it's slowly turning to ice!

Oh the joy!...Have to wear my icky wellies :(

I just HATE Christmas shopping!

It's SO tedious!. No idea what to get who....And with absolutely no motivation

I'M BUGGERED!!! Dammit... 

Still...we dressed the cat up :) 

All pretty in her Christmas bow! 

 

          Much love and hugs,

            Astra xx

Blog Re-vamp! ...But FML.

I feel a complete let down........
I'm sorry for the depressing posts lately.

      About half an hour ago..i had a fight with my best friend AND S.
Our first argument. It was all over new years....and the fact i can't get into this club we was
planning on going to because i have no decent ID. They wont let me in. And he already bought
the tickets...so wasted his money =/
He went offline from MSN in a mood. I hate it. I just want to make him happy.? I can't stand it
when he is upset with me. So now new years is officially fucked. And it's all my fault. Now he is
probably going to talk to some other girl..and go with them.
Or is that my paranoia acting up?
Who knows!?

      And then i had a fight with my best friend..i think she was in a mood. I just suggested that me,
her S and her BF could all spend it together...and she went off on one..having a go. I don't get it?

I give up with society. I don't fit in.

       My food intake has been HORRENDOUS today too.
Probably well over 2000 cals... i feel such a fat pig.
I realised something today...I can't live without "Ana" I HATE personifying this. Bit it's the only way to describe it. I need the control. I need to count. I need to see bones. NEED.?
And then because of this...i cut " FUCK YOU" into my arm...Why? I don't really know. I don't even remember doing it...Which is very scary. 

     I also realised i shouldn't open my heart up so much to S. After our argument i realised how 
much it hurt. I can't do that to myself. I HAVE TO protect myself this time. I fall in love so easily. 
I already love him...And it HAS TO STOP!
If i let my heart get trampled on again...i wont survive.
It's already made me hate myself.
It brings on the need to cut. This time i gave in.
I have to put up some walls again. Who knows whats going to happen after all?

You know something.....sometimes i don't even want to break up with my BF =/....
But i know i have to..because his crying and pleading will only last a matter of weeks. 
Then it will be back to normal...I can't go back to that. Even if he does keep threatening suicide
....FUCK! >< 

Sorry this is depressing.

Love to you all
Astra x 

P.S: S just text me saying he loves me, i'm not a let down. Ohh..... 

The Christmas Holidays Have Begun So Lets Unleash The Binge Monster!

Hello beauties!

Well...the Christmas holidays have begun....

LET THE BINGING COMMENCE! -___-

NOT HAPPY!

I have eaten like a pig thats been starved for years this week!!

And i'm still going!

It's terrible, i literally cannot stop. i've already devoured half a bloody Ben & Jerry's tub of ice cream in the last 2 days! It's the Phish food one...it's so NOM!!!

No idea whats going on for Christmas yet...Mum hasn't put up any decorations yet...we are just simply not in the mood! I cannot be bothered with Christmas this year. It's going to be the first one without my Dad... =/ I don't want Christmas. 

We are meant to be spending it round my Grandmas this year..who are vegetarians!...So no fatty foods for me!!! Well...sort of.

I love the turkey..stuffing and all sorts...But not this year!

I WILL NOT BINGE. I WILL NOT BINGE.

Say this over 40 times and it just might work!

NOT.

  

I'd rather have New year :)

It's already been planned out....

I should be spending it with S and his and friends :)

He said he would drive all the way up here to pick me up ( 4 hour drive here and back) and then go to this club thing..in fancy dress and enjoy ourselves!

I hope it all works out...but because of the snow...as it has fallen YET AGAIN!!!! Grrr...it may be difficult..unless it melts by then!

FINGERS CROSSED!

He came up to mine again last week :)

We snuggled up watching films again :)

It was perfect. I kept catching him staring at me at the corer of my eye...made me feel special!

Although...i feel kind of awkward..as he tried stuff on...i pushed him away..=/ But he didn't complain or act weird after wards...so i guess that means it's OK?

I didn't want him to leave by the time it got to 10.30pm..we just kept hugging and stuff :)

After boxing day he finishes one of his works so he has the weekends free...which means we can see eachother more :)

My moods have gradually got a little higher this week :) I've only had the urge to cut once!

Thats so good for me!

Only worry i have now is how to break up with my BF.

After Christmas, but before new years.

I cannot stand him crying...

Sorry my posts have been boring lately! :(

Promise they will get better!

Thinspo anyone?

I Can't Help But Love Starving...

And it simply just is...PERFECTION.

It's all perfection. The not eating. Counting each calorie.

The bones. The hip bones, the collar bones, the ribs.

It's all so...perfect.

Maybe i'm going mad here?

Maybe this is all a moment of passion.

But to me..right now. This is all i want.

It's now the Christmas holidays. I can afford to lose..i'll only put it all back on after Christmas is over! I can afford to starve, after all the calories i've been consuming these past 3 weeks? I can afford to do this.

I NEED TO DO THIS.

For my sanity. 

 Maybe this wont be for long? But for now, this is what i NEED. CRAVE.

It's all too beautiful and easy...to leave behind.

To simply forget the way in which i lived for so long?

Who knows?

I guess this disease..or blessing? Depending how you look at it, has taken over a little more than i had anticipated.  

I knew my "new way of thinking" wouldn't last long!

Right now..i don't care, i think i may of lost my mind a little!...Ooopps...

It's the Christmas holidays, who cares! :)

I need to be happy for then. Any which way possible! 

Thin is beautiful right?

We are going to be beautiful :)
OUR BODIES

OUR RULES

OUR LIFE.

Love You All,

Astra x 

 

I'M SORRY I'VE BEEN A TERRIBLE BLOGGER!!!

 

Isn't the above statement so true????

HELLO LADIES!!! :)

I'm sorry for my absence...again. It's just so much has been going on lately, i've simply had no time to post        :(...or been too ashamed to. 

Ok...this may be a long post, since i have too much to say LOL.

I shall explain EVERYTHING in stages...and number it, so i can make sense of what i'm writing! 

1:FOOD.

2: THE BF AND S

3:MY HEAD. 

1: Ok...so my food?

For the last....3 weeks or so, i've been trying to end this vicious cycle of..binging, then not eating for days, then fluctuating.

I've been trying to eat like a NORMAL PERSON.  I know!!!

It is so incredibly hard to break this never ending cycle. I've been eating around 100 calories a day now. Instead of around the 500 mark. I'm upping my intake slowly, as not to scare myself back into a major relapse. I'm trying to do this by myself, without the intervention of therapists and such, as still no one knows of my eating habits. 

I'm trying not to look at too much thinspo on the net now...even though...ribs, collarbones, back ribs and all the other bones..still look so...appealing and beautiful?

I'm basically trying to ween myself off.

I'm trying to maintain my weight ( for now) which is currently around the 92lbs mark. It would be so easy to give in and lose again. But i'm determined not to!!! 

This is all so....odd to me now? Eating regular, just doesn't feel right. I still feel a fat bastard if i do eat too much...but i try to ignore those feelings.

Now this post might be a complete waste of time...because right now i'm feeling strong..so it's easy for me to say "I'm going to eat normally again".

Ithink within a week or so...i'l be back to my old ways...just because i felt so much happier then. But i just don't want to be burdened with yet another voice in my head telling me i'm fat...

I STILL FEEL FAT.

God...this is going to be hard....

2: THE BF AND S

So...where do i begin?

Basically..without going into so much detail your brains explode! Me and the bf...are kind of..no more? Well we are still goinng out..just i'm trying to again...ween myself off...if you like? I know now. If i ever want to destroy this depression..he has to go. END OF. If i ever want to be happy again..i can't be with him...I know this...but i'm just not ready to face it yet. So i've sort of put us on a break? =/ 

The straw which broke the camels back, was a couple of days ago....when  he started giving me tons of abuse over  facebook. Just because i didn't go to his dad's wedding. I acted as though i didn't care, when he was throwing it all at me...which just made the situation worse!...So he rang me!...and then shouted down the phone at me instead!

I again ignored him...and then put the phone down. Only to discover that a day later he calls me bak, saying "I'm sorry!!! i love you, i miss you, don't ever leave me, i will have no reaon to live".

HEADFUCK????

I cannot bare guys crying...which he was!...So i sort of gave in to it..i didn't break up with him..instead just told him to leave me alone...for now.

I just need to find the strength to break up with him. I know this.

Which leads me onto S.

He drove up to mine a few days ago :) a 4 hour drive there and back!! :')
We spent 12 beautiful long hours together, just snuggling up, watching films. We spoke a lot about us. He showered me with compliments and sweet kisses on the cheek and forehead :)

He made me feel happy.

You know the REALLLYYY!!! cute thing??

He has a fetish for HIP BONES!!! He loves them!

He kept running his hands up and down mine for ages...a little weird...but cute, right?

Kinda bad if i want to get back on track though...because once i do, those hip bones with fade away again... 

FUCK. 

Things with S have progressed since then though...he is supposed to come up this Friday too. But i'm not sure..as he had to go to hospital today! :(
There is still a voice in my head telling me this isn't real...thats why he ignores my texts sometimes...why he doesn't answer them for hours after...He isn't really working all this time..he is with other girls...ETC..ETC.
It's so hard sometimes to ignore them thoughts...=/
I'm so scared to let my guards down. To let him into my life fully...I'm so scare that the only reason he is like this is because he loves the chase...and as soon as i finish with my BF he will say goodbye...Fuck off forever and move on.

We have even discussed new years! He said he will pick me up and take me to his, to meet his family and spend it with them...but i'm just so scared...

Apart of me doesn't want to let him in. 

3: My head. 

My head lately has been a maze of self harm, binge eating, self loathing and much more. I still can't get therapy until February. I'm trying to fix myself the best i can until then....but i'm failing hard. I haven't cut in a good week or so. I've been trying to eat more..as you know, i've been trying to go back to college, make new friends, be more...sociable?  

IT'S JUST SO HARD!!!!
I'm fighting a losing battle. I can't do this on my own. 

I need that therapy and fast.

If i don't all the above means NOTHING. Because i know i will slip back into my old ways of not eating again. Because i simply miss feeling hungry, the thought of success! The thought of losing weight. I miss it all!!! NOTHING motivates me anymore.

I find myself since i've been eating again, just sitting there in a daze, staring at myself in the mirror. Feeling fat.

FAT. FAT. FAT!!!!

But i know i can't go there again..i can't.

I'm slowly winning the battle against my eating. I'm just scared i'm going to slip and fall. 

Love to you all

Astra x 

P.S: I think i've caught upon all your blogs now...not sure :( I'm sorry. 

Help...?

Hello beautiful girls,

I'm not sure what to say right now...i'm not sure why i am even typing this. I bet all of what i'm about to say will not make any sense? I guess...it's all just one big trail of random thoughts that are running through my head right now..that i have to write down, before i go insane.

I'm not sure why you read my blog, but i thankyou for it from the bottom of my heart.

You girls really do help me in so many ways, even though i can't meet you, just talking helps.

Right now...i'm not sure of anything.

I'm talking to S over MSN...but i've run out of things to say.

I can't think straight.

I feel suicidal.

I want to cut.

I want to be thin.

I'm putting on weight, even without a scale, i can feel it.

I can feel the fat churning inside my body. Hiding my bones away forever. They can't breath, and neither can i.

I'm so scared to tell my BF about not coming to the wedding Friday.

I think i'm starting to fall in love with S already...and i'm scared. So scared. I don't want to be hurt again. I can't take it.

I feel so ugly.

S is so gorgeous. i want to tell him how much i care..but i don't want to scare him away...

I shouldn't even be doing this...

Is it so wrong to want to be loved?

Is it wrong to almost love someone else other than my BF? 

I can't stop listening to Superchic[k]- Beauty from pain. Listen to it. It describes me.

I feel so god damn UGLY!! I could rip my flesh off. Why the hell am i here? My BF hates me. I'm losing my friends. I'm ugly. FAT. 

I know 91lbs may seem small to some of you..but to me..it's just not enough...no where near enough. But yet i can't stop my hunger from taking over?

I'm so WEAK.

Why the hell would S want me if he knew all of this? And that is why he must never ever find out...

I feel like i'm living a complete lie.

NOTHING makes sense right now...it hasn't for a while.

I'm not me right now...see this is what i get like when my head takes over. I want to die. Fuck me..i am such a fuckup. I'm a let down to everyone. Even myself. To you girls..i'm sorry.

No matter how much i write down..it wont make a difference to my mood... 

I'M SCARED.

Help?

WARNING: Triggering/Depressive Post.

You are all so beautiful, and i'm sorry i have to be so depressive...

Can i just say, a special thank you to The boniest bunny and xxslowlyfadingxx ( I wont put your real names incase you do not want them known) Thankyou for listening to me on MSN<3

                    So..onto the post...

I'm tired.  i'm tired of feeling like this. I can't get therapy until February..because i'm on the NHS waiting list. I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!!!

I'm fading fast..i can feel it. I'm eating like a MONSTER. My thoughts and emotions are everywhere when i'm alone. I'm BINGING all the fucking time!!!

I've lost control of myself. I don't know what to do... I'm falling hard for another guy...because my so called BF is treating me like scum!!! But i can't break up with him yet because I'M TOO WEAK. I will fall apart without him...That makes no sense does it? I know it doesn't. He treats me like scum...but i can't let go  yet because i will fall apart?

S ( The new guy is supposed to be coming up Friday) ...This causes a new dilemma. The BF's dad's wedding is on the Saturday...which means if i want to go..i can't see S. And S is the only thing keeping me going right now...if i can't see him...well...i don't know? I DO NOT want to go to the Bf's dads wedding either though...It would be a complete lie. I'd be lying to everyone..pretending i want to be there when i don't. PLUS. I'm supposed to be getting home on my own..in a taxi? When it's dark. ON MY OWN. When the BF knows that this will set off my anxiety..and i'll probably have a panic attack in the taxi. Not that i can afford one anyway. So how am i supposed to get home? Who knows. He doesn't care.

HE DOESN'T CARE. HE DOESN'T CARE. HE DOESN'T CARE!!!

So why should i?

He doesn't care i'm cutting. He doesn't care i'm not eating. He doesn't care how i get home. He doesn't care if i commit suicide.

2 years of relationship. Gone.

He expects ME to do everything. ME to improve. ME to pay money everytime so i can get up to his. I CAN'T. And when i can't, he argue with me about how i'm not trying hard enough..how i can't love him if this is the way i treat him. He gets aggressive when i tell him that i cut. Doesn't he understand why? 

It's plainly obvious to me now.

HE DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE.

Not much anyway...

BUT I CAN'T LET GO. NOT YET. 

I just need to see S...he makes me feel BEAUTIFUL, ALIVE!!! All my depressive thoughts go away...i feel light and free.

I told him about my dad..he understood. Only trouble is..he lives so far away from me..about a 2 hour drive!! That i had to tell him over MSN. Not the easiest thing to do... but at least he knows now...he has a little incite into my fucked up world. And it didn't scare him away...

I miss my father so much. I think about him everyday. I dream about him. I love him so much. And NO ODY will EVER replace him. He didn't deserve to die. He needed  help..and no fucker listened.

I told S that this makes me determined to be with him. Because my dad always used to say 

" Fuck everyone else, as long as you are happy, because you are the most important person". 

My current BF doesn't make me happy. He puts me down. Makes me feel worthless. Suicidal even. Ugly. My dad never liked him either...he saw right through him. I didn't listen.

I'm sorry daddy. I love you.

But you know the fucked up thing? Theres still a little voice in my head..telling me S is using me. He wont turn up on Friday, because he doesn't really care. Your too ugly for him! Too fat. He is gorgeous, he could have any girl he desires..why stick with you?

I'm trying to ignore that voice.

I'm also trying to get my eating under control again. I'm a BINGE MONSTER! 

I see food, and i eat it!!!

It makes me so angry!!! It's been over a week now, and i still cannot control myself.I want/need to be thinner. I'm currently, 91lbs. Thing is...S keeps saying how thin i am...i get the feeling he doesn't like it. Which makes me eat more....I eat to make him happy. But in turn..is destroying me inside.

It's either make him happy and eat? OR Make me happy and starve...but put S off?

What do i do???? 

I devoured half a meat feast pizza tonight. NOT HAPPY.

And then we move onto college.

I'm failing. I'm falling so, so behind it's unreal.

I cannot concentrate, all i think is, FOOD, CUTTING or ..yeah thats about it. =/

I'm trying, i really am. I don't want to fuck this up.

I'm sorry this has been such a depressing post.

Theres still so much more i could say....but i think i'll leave it here for now.

I love you all so much

Astra x 

 

 

I Couldn't Think Of A Good Title..:(

Don't you just feel like that somedays?? I do.

Hello my lovelies :)

            Thank you for your support in my last post, it really helped me. And just to clarify!! I'm NOT cheating on the BF, i've just grown close to the new guy :)

You know, your comments are so lovely, and you girls are so, so beautiful, inside and out, just know that OK? :)

              So onto today....COLLEGE GOT CANCELLED!! YAY!! There was too much snow and ice on the roads! PAHAA! So i've basically spent the day in bed...talking via text to the new guy :)...Lets call him...S.?

I cannot believe i had to get out of my lovely warm bad at 6.30am!!! Just to get told college was cancelled          :( NOT HAPPY!

The snow here must be at least 6 inches deep now! Your feet literally disappear beneath it! And to be honest i'm not venturing outside anymore! Almost broke my bloody neck on the ice! >___> ( Thats probably an exaggeration, but you get the idea!)

I should of been spending the day doing course work to be honest...but i was far to busy being lazy to do that! haha.

God knows why i'm happy? I've got nothing to look forward to this weekend..buses aren't running so i can't get anywhere..and all my friends live a bus ride away! So i'm all alone :(

I think the only eventful thing that has happened today is that i got some new hair curlers as an early Christmas present!..So right now my hair is nice and curly :) Love it.

Spoke to the BF for about 10 minutes today...nothing new. He was dreary..which made me feel shitty...so the conversation ended.? 

Food intake has been disastrous today...I don't even want to go into it. I was doing brilliantly..until dinner when i had a bacon and hip sandwich...Can you imagine the calories in that????? I don't even want to think about it..makes me feel ill.

MUST GET BACK ON TRACK!!! FUCK! :@

Astra x

AND I'M BACK!!!

Well..i'm back! Did you miss me??? I didn't miss me.

So much to catch up on!!!...Not sure where to start...i think i'll try make short paragraphs out of each thing that has happened..or we will be here all day!

Oh my goodness it's freezing!!! Winter has arrive and there is about 5 inches of snow on the ground. Plus....ice >__> 

SO PREPARE FOR AN ESSAY!!! >=]

                 Ok...so firstly...the BF. Now whenever i mention him, it's always pretty much bad right? Well...it still kinda is. We didn't see eachother in over a month for...various reasons, until last weekend..which was a make or break weekend for us.( He said I HAD TO PROVE MYSELF!!! PROVE THAT I HAVE CHANGED!!! TO BE A BETTER GF!!!) So as you can imagine... It started off shit!....Which it stayed for 98% of the time...with intervals of being happy. And then on the last day...BANG. MASSSIIIIVVEEEEE argument. The mood i was in at the time..i didn't really care what i said...so it all came spilling out..about how i'm sick of him complaining about EVERYTHING, the way he hasn't had a job in 8+ months, how he sits on his xbox ALL DAY. How i'm sick of how he has been treating me...ETC..ETC. Until he told me to 

"Fuck off and get out".

So i did!! I packed my things, and was all ready to leave until..he says to sit down..and persists. So i sit. We talk about EVERYTHING. There are intervals of silence for about 5 minutes each time. He has been threatening me for WEEKS that he wants to break up...so i suddenly BURST!! and shout at him 

" Well why fucking don't you then!!!?"

And then......he starts crying? Oh my goodness...i had no idea what to do...i was too angry to hug him...but didn't want to just sit there....so i hugged him. Turns out...he thinks he has depression too....i found the same therapy leaflet under his bed ( Conveniently placed so i would find it!! ) He says he feels like i do? But the thing is....every time i have had something wrong with me...he has had to aswell...just to be the same? I dunno whether to believe him or not...He has lied so so so many times before.

So basically..to sum up this part of my life...we are still together..he says he will change ( For the millionth time) and we might get back to normal? But thing is...i have nothing to prove? i cannot help the way i am. He can.

I don't want to have to prove myself to a relationship thats lasted over 2 years almost..i want to be able to be me. 

And this leads on to the next story....

I met someone. He is amazing. We have spoke on MSN for over a year..but only met 3 times. I went to one of his gigs last Monday night ( As he is in a band) ...i drunk a little...danced my feet off! We spoke all night..even ditched his band mates to talk to me! He paid for me to get into the gig..and drove me back home :) ( CUTE!!) 

But the main thing here is that...for a while he said he liked me...i never liked him back. Until Monday night..everything changed...after he had finished playing i sort of rested my head on him as he was talking..and his hand slipped into mine...and stayed there...

It felt...magical.

And after he drove me home and walked me to my door, we hugged for ages, he kept kissing me on the forehead..for the first time in months..i felt wanted. Needed. Loved.

Since then we have been txting like mad! i spent £20 on credit in  days!!!!! Thats...200 texts in 2 days! ( And bearing in mind, i'm broke as it is!!)

 He was meant to come up and see me again on Tuesday..but couldn't because of the snow. So we have arranged for him to come up on Thursday instead...but to be honest..with these weather conditions i doubt i'll see him until the snow goes away...=/ ( He lives a long way off)

He makes me feel amazing...he has even said he think he is in love with me....???

But thats just brought on paranoia. I still feel utterly shit about myself. He is gorgeous..i'm not. He has girls thrown at him at every gig. He goes on tour alot. I hardly see him....The list goes on...You always here about guys in bands!...They have sex with all their groupies and fans....They cheat and lie.

I'M SO PARANOID!!!!!!! He IS amazing. BUT. There are so many risks that go with him...How do i know he hasn't got more girls going on as well as me? 

I'm so gullible...and stupid..that i'm blind to all of that. 

Thing is..why should i be worrying about all of this anyway?

1: I have a BF

2: He isn't even mine. 
3: WHY DO I GET THE FEELING HE IS USING ME?? =/ 

 HELP?????????????????

OK...Third story. Bullet points!

- I have been discharged from the homecare team...now i am awaiting a letter from another consultant so i can get a different, long term therapy. 

- I have officially lost control over my eating. I'm actually eating "normally"? AND I HATE IT!!!! I'm out of control! 

- Current weight 41kg. Makes no sense? 

- I have continued cutting. I can't stop. I'm sorry.

- I'm trying to see friends more

-I'm trying my best NOT to fuck up college. 

- I am officially at a anorexic weight? Hmmm....

Lastly. Just to prove i have lost control.

I tried over dosing. It did nothing but make me sick throughout the entire day. FAIL. I even wrote out my funeral plans, a suicide note too. Thing is...i don't really remember doing it? I did it in a mood of pure hatred and depression. I feel mad.

I carved an F into my arm for FAT. Which is now covered up. 

I know i'm slipping. And i can't stop myself. 
I know i am a complete mess at the moment.

I NEED TO GET BACK ON TRACK.

STOP EATING. 

I have to be beautiful for Christmas. 

Thankyou for reading all this, if you did!!

RANT OVER!

Astra x 

 P.S: I took the mini stepper back..i couldn't afford it :( (Still have to get that refund! ( There were complications with that! )...Maybe when it's safe outside that i wont break my neck on the ice i'll get my money ? :)