Help...?

Hello beautiful girls,

I'm not sure what to say right now...i'm not sure why i am even typing this. I bet all of what i'm about to say will not make any sense? I guess...it's all just one big trail of random thoughts that are running through my head right now..that i have to write down, before i go insane.

I'm not sure why you read my blog, but i thankyou for it from the bottom of my heart.

You girls really do help me in so many ways, even though i can't meet you, just talking helps.

Right now...i'm not sure of anything.

I'm talking to S over MSN...but i've run out of things to say.

I can't think straight.

I feel suicidal.

I want to cut.

I want to be thin.

I'm putting on weight, even without a scale, i can feel it.

I can feel the fat churning inside my body. Hiding my bones away forever. They can't breath, and neither can i.

I'm so scared to tell my BF about not coming to the wedding Friday.

I think i'm starting to fall in love with S already...and i'm scared. So scared. I don't want to be hurt again. I can't take it.

I feel so ugly.

S is so gorgeous. i want to tell him how much i care..but i don't want to scare him away...

I shouldn't even be doing this...

Is it so wrong to want to be loved?

Is it wrong to almost love someone else other than my BF? 

I can't stop listening to Superchic[k]- Beauty from pain. Listen to it. It describes me.

I feel so god damn UGLY!! I could rip my flesh off. Why the hell am i here? My BF hates me. I'm losing my friends. I'm ugly. FAT. 

I know 91lbs may seem small to some of you..but to me..it's just not enough...no where near enough. But yet i can't stop my hunger from taking over?

I'm so WEAK.

Why the hell would S want me if he knew all of this? And that is why he must never ever find out...

I feel like i'm living a complete lie.

NOTHING makes sense right now...it hasn't for a while.

I'm not me right now...see this is what i get like when my head takes over. I want to die. Fuck me..i am such a fuckup. I'm a let down to everyone. Even myself. To you girls..i'm sorry.

No matter how much i write down..it wont make a difference to my mood... 

I'M SCARED.

Help?