AND I'M BACK!!!

Well..i'm back! Did you miss me??? I didn't miss me.

So much to catch up on!!!...Not sure where to start...i think i'll try make short paragraphs out of each thing that has happened..or we will be here all day!

Oh my goodness it's freezing!!! Winter has arrive and there is about 5 inches of snow on the ground. Plus....ice >__> 

SO PREPARE FOR AN ESSAY!!! >=]

                 Ok...so firstly...the BF. Now whenever i mention him, it's always pretty much bad right? Well...it still kinda is. We didn't see eachother in over a month for...various reasons, until last weekend..which was a make or break weekend for us.( He said I HAD TO PROVE MYSELF!!! PROVE THAT I HAVE CHANGED!!! TO BE A BETTER GF!!!) So as you can imagine... It started off shit!....Which it stayed for 98% of the time...with intervals of being happy. And then on the last day...BANG. MASSSIIIIVVEEEEE argument. The mood i was in at the time..i didn't really care what i said...so it all came spilling out..about how i'm sick of him complaining about EVERYTHING, the way he hasn't had a job in 8+ months, how he sits on his xbox ALL DAY. How i'm sick of how he has been treating me...ETC..ETC. Until he told me to 

"Fuck off and get out".

So i did!! I packed my things, and was all ready to leave until..he says to sit down..and persists. So i sit. We talk about EVERYTHING. There are intervals of silence for about 5 minutes each time. He has been threatening me for WEEKS that he wants to break up...so i suddenly BURST!! and shout at him 

" Well why fucking don't you then!!!?"

And then......he starts crying? Oh my goodness...i had no idea what to do...i was too angry to hug him...but didn't want to just sit there....so i hugged him. Turns out...he thinks he has depression too....i found the same therapy leaflet under his bed ( Conveniently placed so i would find it!! ) He says he feels like i do? But the thing is....every time i have had something wrong with me...he has had to aswell...just to be the same? I dunno whether to believe him or not...He has lied so so so many times before.

So basically..to sum up this part of my life...we are still together..he says he will change ( For the millionth time) and we might get back to normal? But thing is...i have nothing to prove? i cannot help the way i am. He can.

I don't want to have to prove myself to a relationship thats lasted over 2 years almost..i want to be able to be me. 

And this leads on to the next story....

I met someone. He is amazing. We have spoke on MSN for over a year..but only met 3 times. I went to one of his gigs last Monday night ( As he is in a band) ...i drunk a little...danced my feet off! We spoke all night..even ditched his band mates to talk to me! He paid for me to get into the gig..and drove me back home :) ( CUTE!!) 

But the main thing here is that...for a while he said he liked me...i never liked him back. Until Monday night..everything changed...after he had finished playing i sort of rested my head on him as he was talking..and his hand slipped into mine...and stayed there...

It felt...magical.

And after he drove me home and walked me to my door, we hugged for ages, he kept kissing me on the forehead..for the first time in months..i felt wanted. Needed. Loved.

Since then we have been txting like mad! i spent £20 on credit in  days!!!!! Thats...200 texts in 2 days! ( And bearing in mind, i'm broke as it is!!)

 He was meant to come up and see me again on Tuesday..but couldn't because of the snow. So we have arranged for him to come up on Thursday instead...but to be honest..with these weather conditions i doubt i'll see him until the snow goes away...=/ ( He lives a long way off)

He makes me feel amazing...he has even said he think he is in love with me....???

But thats just brought on paranoia. I still feel utterly shit about myself. He is gorgeous..i'm not. He has girls thrown at him at every gig. He goes on tour alot. I hardly see him....The list goes on...You always here about guys in bands!...They have sex with all their groupies and fans....They cheat and lie.

I'M SO PARANOID!!!!!!! He IS amazing. BUT. There are so many risks that go with him...How do i know he hasn't got more girls going on as well as me? 

I'm so gullible...and stupid..that i'm blind to all of that. 

Thing is..why should i be worrying about all of this anyway?

1: I have a BF

2: He isn't even mine. 
3: WHY DO I GET THE FEELING HE IS USING ME?? =/ 

 HELP?????????????????

OK...Third story. Bullet points!

- I have been discharged from the homecare team...now i am awaiting a letter from another consultant so i can get a different, long term therapy. 

- I have officially lost control over my eating. I'm actually eating "normally"? AND I HATE IT!!!! I'm out of control! 

- Current weight 41kg. Makes no sense? 

- I have continued cutting. I can't stop. I'm sorry.

- I'm trying to see friends more

-I'm trying my best NOT to fuck up college. 

- I am officially at a anorexic weight? Hmmm....

Lastly. Just to prove i have lost control.

I tried over dosing. It did nothing but make me sick throughout the entire day. FAIL. I even wrote out my funeral plans, a suicide note too. Thing is...i don't really remember doing it? I did it in a mood of pure hatred and depression. I feel mad.

I carved an F into my arm for FAT. Which is now covered up. 

I know i'm slipping. And i can't stop myself. 
I know i am a complete mess at the moment.

I NEED TO GET BACK ON TRACK.

STOP EATING. 

I have to be beautiful for Christmas. 

Thankyou for reading all this, if you did!!

RANT OVER!

Astra x 

 P.S: I took the mini stepper back..i couldn't afford it :( (Still have to get that refund! ( There were complications with that! )...Maybe when it's safe outside that i wont break my neck on the ice i'll get my money ? :)