Mini Stepper FTW!

Hello gorgeous people :)

So about that sleepover!.......It never happened >__>.

I was meant to meet my friend in town at half 5ish...so i thought, i know, i'll go shopping until then! Got myself a new cardigan, and my mums birthday present. And that brought me to 4.30pm...so from then until about 6.30pm i was doing nothing but trailing round useless shops and sitting in the library! Being bored out of my skull. I waited until 5.30...then thought id ring her as she hadn't contacted me..no answer....and up until 6.30pm i was ringing her constantly..with no answer...so i had been stood up basically. In the end i gave up and went home...managed to talk to her over facebook...and she says she sent me a text saying if she could come straight to mine instead of meeting in town? But i never got anything...Pretty upset about that....she is my best friend. She hasn't lied to me before...so i think i shall give her the benefit of the doubt. But tbh...that left me doing nothing all night..and brought my mood right down...so i binged. FUCK SAKE.

I don't actually mind that much though because........i sent off for a mini stepper!! :D £25..but worth it! It counts the calories you burn too! Can't wait to get that! It should arrive on Tuesday :)

Eeeee CAN'T WAIT!!

              

                   In other news. The BF....Hmmmm where to start?

Well!...We have been speaking on the phone a little more civilly than usual. We are going to see eachother this Friday..as i might stay over...but nothing is decided yet as he wants to go out with mates...after complaining about me doing the same! ARRGHHH. Can't win!! AND he is going out drinking and to the cinema to see Harry Potter with some girls as well as his guy mates...but yet i can't do that? I always get accused of cheating when i go out with my guy mates? WTF. Honestly? It winds me up..because they are going out all night..which means he will go out drinking...no doubt..even though he says he wont..but i know him too well for that! I am so so paranoid about this..with my head being the way it is at the moment. He knows this..=/ And why can't i go with them? Because he wants friends away from me?? Friends that i don't have to know. Like i'm going to steal all his friends away from him??! I'm so so so paranoid...what if these girls are attractive, slim and beautiful? What if they drink..and they come onto him? I know what he is like when drunk...very flirty. I can't be arsed to be this paranoid. I feel ugly. Waayyy too ugly to compete with these new girls.

I love him so much...i don't want to lose him.

I sound needy and pathetic right? I know..it's just we are still very rocky at the moment..he still can't tell me he loves me..which hurts so badly.

I HAVE TO BECOME BEAUTIFUL!!! 

I'm doing quite well..i guess..i'm checking the calories in everything.

Intake today:

-Breakfast-Yogurt 130 cals?

-Diet pasta meal 440 cals

-Some pringles 100 cals?

Dinner-Who knows! ( Try to keep it at a minimum, just to keep mother happy!)

 -And lots of water!! And diet coke Which means 0 cals!

 I just cannot wait for my mini stepper to come in!! Then the challenge can truly begin! 

 I also have to go to the doctors tomorrow..to get weighed..and to get my meds upped..as my moods and cutting has been non stop spiralling out of control. I am actually terrified to leave the house now, my anxiety is that bad...but i have college also tomorrow..and i have to promise my self not to fuck up this week!!

 No more days off!!!!

I think i have to see the college counselor when the home therapy team stop visiting..which i think is at the end of this week.

 You know the odd thing? Fucking EVERYONE is calling me anorexic... I'M NOT!!!! I'm not even that thin yet! I do try to only eat when i'm with people to stop them thinking things..=/ It's just so hard...You girls know this :( It's like i can't win either way? I do so well with my calories..then someone says something bad..which makes me eat..which in turn breaks me apart inside..just knowing i was made to eat all those calories..when i was doing so well before hand.

I'm trying to keep up with all your blogs! But i'm so confused on whos i have read and have not read! LOL.

 Hmm..i need to re-dye my hair too!

Hope everyone is well :)

Lots of love

Astra x 

P.S: I'm not a horrible/jealous GF really..i'm just paranoid :( I really am trying my best to be the best that i can be..