I Seriously Need Help! COMPLETE FUCK UP.

After this post i'll be surprised if i get any more followers!! :(

I let EVERYONE down....again.

I'm such a fuckup. 

I didn't go into college AGAIN today...i had another episode of a complete breakdown. I was all ready to walk out of the door..then BAM. My mum asked how i was...and i couldn't stop crying. Everything seemed to get on top of me...my mum went to work..because she had to..and i just sat on the sofa crying my eyes out..screaming for help? =/ ON MY OWN?  I simply hugged a pillow and cried myself back to sleep...And of course before i did that..i ran upstairs..blasted some music and cut ..i cut because i had eaten too much..i cut because i feel a screw up and just because i deserve it =/ FUCK ME!!! I'M SUCH A FUCK UP. I had too...i had to cut. And now i've started on my other arm..=/

I woke up with makeup running down my face ( A VERY attractive look) And all lovely and sweaty because i went to sleep with all my clothes on...ERGHHH YUCK!

I feel a waste of a life, waste of a daughter and a let down to everyone.

I'm pathetic!!!

I really really do not want to fail this year of college..i can't. 

So that was my morning from about 7am-12pm. 

Also..i don't know what the fuck this is...but whenever i get stressed and go to sleep, i half wake up, and half am still asleep..i can't move my body, i can't breath properly and i can't talk? I'm just lying there helpless..and then go back to sleep again because i pass out from not being able to breath? What is that? All i know is, it's scary as hell!!!!

The only constructive things i did today was ring the BF...as we haven't talked in about 4 days! But i let him off for that because he said their phone line has been barred because they can't pay the phone bills. I'm, not sure how we are at the moment..=/ I guess i'll know in 2 weeks time..>< EEK.

And i have to confess... i was going to go to tesco's to buy myself something yummy (BUT LOW CAL!!) Because we have nothing in the house to eat...it was about 4.45pm..and by then its getting dark outside..i got ready and was walking there, and got to the alleyway that you have to go through to get there..when i saw this really big guy..so i thought..OK..i'll walk a little slower..make sure he is well out in front of me, because no one else was around i got kinda freaked!...And then he turns round to look at me and starts bloody walking towards me!!! I was thinking SHIT!..I got my phone out and walked the opposite direction back home..and he followed me! So by that time i was seriously panicking!..He literally followed me until this other guy appeared who was walking on the other side of the road..so i thought fuck that i'm going back home!

OH MY GOD THAT WAS SCARY!!

Maybe it's a sign to not eat?

So anyway!...food intake? 

-Little bowl of cereal (160 cals)

-Some grapes

-Peanut butter on toast ( Around 300 cals?) 

-A little dinner (Rice, veg and bacon, not much bacon!)( 300 cals?) 

Stupid peanut butter i know!! :( But i was feeling faint and there was nothing else left ><

I feel really shit, don't worry :(

I HAVE TO LOSE THIS FUCKING WEIGHT!!!!!..I'm still 93lbs.

Inspiration please 

 Lots of cuddles

Astra x