Thankyou Guys :) Bit Of An Up-Beat Post FINALLY!

Hello Lovlies,

        Firstly, thankyou to the people who gave their MSN's :) I've added you, or sent you emails :) It's great to have support <3

            Today has been a bad-ish/Good-ish day, i woke up with voices screaming in my head. My arm was bright red, and bleeding..because last night..i ate too much..felt so bad i needed to be punished..so i scraped my now healing cuts from before..and made them bleed until i felt better=/ 

            I was all ready to pack college in today and go back to bed and cut..=/ But as soon as the therapist went, i actually plucked up the courage and went :) PLEASE BE PROUD! haha. The bus ride into college was HORRIFIC.  Even with ear phones in and music playing as loud as possible, the voices were still screaming, i thought i was going to have a panic attack on the bus...i felt my whole body go hot, paranoia was at MAX and i was just about ready to explode into pure terror. It was horrible. 

 I don't know if you guys suffer with this, but when you feel like everyone wants you dead? just total strangers, they all want to hurt you, because you either ate too much or for some other reason? Well, i felt that. I was seeing things all over the place that weren't actually there. I swear that was the longest bus ride of my entire life. I had to tell a friend to meet me by the reception because i was too scared to go in by myself =/ God i felt like a idiot >__>

              I was pretty proud of myself when i did eventually get there :) 

We used these special massage machines today, instead of doing manual massage. IT WAS SO GOOOOD!! I swear if backs can have orgasms, i'm sure mine did!! HAHA! Even though i wasn't really meant to use the machines on me because i was too thin? WHAT?!!!...But i did anyway :) ( And again, people commented badly on my weight) ARGHHHHHH. 

             You know what i did today too?? Ate in front of people..BUT without them knowing, everything was low cal ;] ..I had brought along some food for lunch...but realised it was all too much..i mean over 200 cals for a chocolate bar? NO THANKS!...So i use the vending machines to buy myself something healthy and low calorie :) GO ME! except i ruin it all when i get home by eating my mums spaghetti bolagnaise...the ONE thing i can't resist!! I tried not to eat too much..i left just over a quarter of it..=/

       Also, supposed to be seeing the college counsellor tomorrow at 9am!!! WHEN I DON'T HAVE COLLEGE TOMORROW!! No thanks!! I want my lie in! And to be honest, i've had enough of counsellors and such at the moment..so i'll just say i forgot or something.? Plus i should be seeing a friend tomorrow too. Not quite sure...i mean i know i should..it's just...she's the friend who watches me closely with what i eat...=/ I can't be doing with pressure. Maybe if i eat with her...i wont eat much for the rest of the day or something?  

HELP! 

But anyway..i think thats all.... 

Love you guys :')

Astra x