Oh, To Float Away...

Hello Darlings <3

    OK...long story short...

i didn't go to college today

1: I literally got not 1 seconds sleep last night because our druggy neighbour was blasting music until 3am!!!!! and my head wouldn't switch off

2: I woke up this morning feeling really scared...the voices in my head were loud..i couldn't talk or move.i felt as if someone was watching me..waiting to hurt me...so i had to ring my mum at 7am to come home from work because i couldn't bear being on my own.

              So i ended up  just going back to bed and sleeping, because i couldn't keep my eyes open. I was so scared this morning...waking up and just hearing horrible things..feeling suicidal..in your own bed..=/ So later on the nurse from the mental health team came round to discuss options... As they are taking me off their lists as of next week now..because my mum kicked up a fuss! They said i should seek help with a different therapy...so i guess thats what i have to do..after seeing my own doctor. There are too many things going on. What am i meant to say to my tutor now? She already set up conselling for me at college =/

I'm dreading tomorrow....we have clients coming in for massages now....FUCK THAT. My anxiety spurs up just thinking about it. It's 9-5 tomorrow too...but i have to go in...=/ I can't miss anymore college.  need something relaxing to calm me down...I have to put something over my arm too...i can't massage a client with cuts all over it >__> Because we have to wear special uniforms...we cant cover our arms...so i'l have to get a bandage or something?

I can't handle this much more. This is all way too much. All i think about is either the next time i can cut...or food. And the feeling in between are just..unbearable. I swear these thoughts are starting to control my actions now...It seems sometimes..i can't control my own body, my thoughts do.

And... seeing as i've just come out of the bath..i had time to check myself out...i swear i've lost weight..my ribs are more prominent and so are my collarbones! I can feel my breast bones a lot more too. Quite pleased with that.

I swear ana spoke to me last night too....it was scary in a way..even though it was in my own head..just all of a sudden a voice popped in my head telling me i had eaten too much, 

"You don't deserve to be here if you can't even control your hunger! STOP FUCKING EATING. You have no self control what the fuck is your problem?"..i was like woahhh...where did that come from?? But it did motivate me for today i guess. I think even my skinniest of jeans are starting to bag a little!

Food intake for today:

- Little bowl of cereal ( 150 cals)

-Another little bowl of cereal (160 cals)

- Little dinner ( around 250 cals)

Not bad! I had to eat dinner...i was feeling really weak and horrible. No wonder i can't handle a fast! I feel faint only after a few hours. 

Hello to new followers! :)
I think that is all for now.... Man i'm boring.

Lots of love, Astra x