RANT RANT!!! FUCK FOOD. FUCK LIFE.

 Hello girls x

            So, let start with yesterday. FUCKING BAD DAY.  Moods were everywhere, and food was the ultimate enemy. Whenever i get like that food tastes 10x worse than it ever did, and i start feeling sick...which is what happened. 

Note: This mood happened AFTER the mental health team left my house. WTF is up with that???

So for the rest of the day i was running around in my head going mad. One minute racing round..next lying on the sofa munching out on crisps...=/ SHOOT ME. But tbh...at this moment in time i'm finding it VERY difficult to control cravings with my fathers funeral being tomorrow...I don't know how to feel about it.

       So instead of eating in the end..after seeing sense, i attempted to go to my room and fix my computer BAD MISTAKE. I sort of....broke it TEMPORARILY i must add!..As after another manic mood swing..i calmed down and re-fixed it! Clever me....NOT. So then decided it was in my best interests to leave it alone..other wise i was going to throw the damn thing out of the window :) It just runs so slow...it drives me mad. And did i mention, in the middle of my "manic" self destructive mood..with fucking marks down my arm from attempting to cut..which luckily i managed to control at the last minute Which i am kinda proud of..=/...ANOTHER team member came round at like 7pm?  To check up on me because i told the people who came round in the morning i was feeling suicidal and shit again..=/. So like i said...in the midst of going crazy and shitty...they knocked at the door. OH FUCK. Yeah..bad idea. She saw my arm. And then because of my mood i ended up going on and on about my moods and fucking how i hate to eat >___> Don't ask me why i blabbed that because i don't know :( Tbh though...i don't think she even took that bit in because i was sort of mumbling at that point. So after about half hour of talking and sitting there sweating because i started to get even more worked up, she left..and i was on my own STILL feeling like shit >__>. So as soon as mother came home at about 8, i ate a quarter of a meal and just went to bed. Simply, i just couldn't take feeling so shit..so i guess it was a good thing yesterday that from not eating i felt faint because it helped me sleep :) AND FEEL SO SO EMPTY :)

             

         So that was the basics of yesterday. Today however was even worse. As soon as i woke up, literally the second. The BF rang. Oh stupid me for thinking it was going to be a nice calm convo. Arguments all the way. The conversation is basics was that he was telling me to... "Get over it, start moving on with your life or your going to be stuck in that pit forever. Snap out of your mood. Grit your teeth and bear it." WTF!!!!!!!! BTW. At this point he was shouting this at me. And you want to know the best bit??? I told him i felt suicidal, and have done for ages, the reply to that?

 " Well go do it then! If you want to do something so stupid, go on then?!" Yeah..i feel so much better now, after that convo in the morning. NOT. 

1: I'm burying my father tomorrow.

2: I have fucking severe clinical, whatever it is!..depression !!!!  

      Thank fuck i haven't told him about my eating habits/feelings about food then!. 

Don't get me wrong..he was nice to me when it happened..but a week on he expected me to be over it...and since 2 weeks ago, his been back to normal and thinks i should be too? 

      All i want is a cuddle, a text..anything. Just to feel a little comforted. So for the rest of today again. I've been feeling like shit and BINGED ALL DAY! I'm sorry..=/ ( Oh yeah, and cleaned the entire house) I feel fat and ugly right now. So fucking disgusting.

Do you think you girls could do me a favour? Send me your MSN' s? It's just..i'm kinda freaked putting mine on here incase someone finds this blog >< I know..i'm way too paranoid, ahaha! 

Thankyou if you do <3 

I think my rant is over now, so Fuck food. Fuck life! :)

skinny skinny skinny!
 

Astra x 

( I apologize for the amount of swearing)