BUSY, BUSY, BUSY...

Hello Ladies x

Thankyou for all your support on my last post, it made me smile.

Last night was horrific, but i managed to control myself eventually. Which is good. So i said last time i would speak about the funeral..so i will just go over the basics.

It was a lovely windy autumn day, with sunshine :) The service was very emotional...ad both families stayed apart. My step mother left early without as much as a glance or a word to anyone! I still need to get my things..if she will let me..probably not. But we put him to rest, and i had quiet time alone with him, to say my peace. The flower were lovely, and bright, just like him. He can sleep now, and be happy. His free.  

I love you.

      Today is a new day, i missed my therapist call round at the house today as i was in bed. So..OK i heard the door..but i wanted to be alone today, so ignored it. They're coming round tomorrow in the morning now instead. Then after that, i'm going into town to meet my grandma for coffee, she said she has money for me to buy winter lothes...but wanted to put it in my hands as she said if she put in in a cheque the BF might spend it all for me! XD ( He knows my pin number) so yeah...no one really likes him in the family for the way he has acted in the past, and now =/ But i would never tell him, it's my life anyway.  

            Then after that i should be meeting a friend in town after he finishes work :) I haven't seen him in ages, so it will be good to see him...if i do..he never gets back to my texts..so i have no idea when this will be =/ Lets hope he doesn't cancel. We will probably head to the pub or something, go for a catch up drink and chill out :) He makes me feel happy. Even though the BF hates him as we have a history..=/ Erghhh. He thinks i'm going to cheat on him with my friend. MEN!!! Lets all go lesbian! HAHA! Only problem with my friend is that he knows nothing of my dad, nor my depression..but i think i like it that way, it means i can be normal around him without him thinking " Ohhh, is she eating right? is she cutting?" blah blah blah. I like feeling normal sometimes.

            My food intake is awful!!!! i swear since my dad's passing i've just binged and binged. Like 1000+ cals a day..=/ It's awful. PLUS my mum brought chocolates home tonight...my weakness. >___> I need to get back into restricting again, like 500 or less cals a day. It made me feel good. I was thinking of fasting a day or 2? Or major restricting. But tbh with you, i have NO self control, so i wouldn't probably last more than a few hours. No idea of my weight..so i may of gained from this week of binging =/ RESTRICT!!! I hate feeling bloated or too full.  

So overall, today hasn't been too bad with emotions and thoughts and feelings. Hopefully tomorrow will be the same...but going out on my own proves another big challenge for me. Fingers crossed.

Astra x