Dayum look at her!!!
Hello Ladies :)
So today, i went shopping with my Grandma ( Dads mum) She wanted to buy me clothes, so who was i to say no! :D Got 2 lovely tops and a winter hat...couldn't find shoes :( My feet are so damn narrow it's near impossible to find any that fit!
After shopping, the inevitable happened..we went to a café to eat...=/ I couldn't say no to food...man i felt sick after i'd eaten that sandwich. Mind you...i guess it wasn't that bad..i hadn't eaten hardly anything at all before that PLUS I RESISTED CAKE! :) It was only about...160 cals, so not bad for a sandwich.
We spoke about my dad...and how i wish he'd come back to say goodbye =/ ( My grandma is from a spiritualist church so knows about this sort of thing) She said he wont come back until i relax and stop wanting it so bad. Apparently if you search for a sign, it never happens..so i have to stop searching and wait. IMPOSSIBLE. He has already come back to her and my Grandad. I just want him to come back to me too... I do talk to him alot..but nothing happens..not that i expect it to.
I also have college again tomorrow...kinda nervous again..i can feel my anxiety growing again =/ Another day of pretending. Another day of covering up cuts..erghhh. I wished i hadn't eaten dinner...i mean, it was small, but this anxiety makes me want to throw up.
I want to purge...help me? What do i do? I feel fat and ugly. How do you do it so quietly no one can hear you?? I find it impossible.
You know as i was in the changing room in the hops today, i looked at myself properly...and i swear my tummy has gotten flatter :) I can just see the outlines of my ribs, and when i bend over, you can easily see my back ribs now. Something must of changed? No idea what i weigh though, drives me mad!!!!!!!!!
I'm starting to like the shape of my body now. It's all about self control!
Fuck me i get so so pissed if i slip up now days, the more control i have the better i feel emotionally, the voices stop, i don't want to cut as bad, i don't feel suicidal...everything seems...OK?
Do you girls feel similar?
Astra x
I do feel the same way, the less I eat the better I feel.
ReplyDeleteDon´t worry about the sandwich sweetie, it was only 160 cal, you´ll lose weight.
About your dad, I hope you get signals soon.
It´s great that you´r starting to like the shape of your body =)
Good luck tomorrow, I´m sure college will be good!
aww way to go, resisting cake and all :)
ReplyDeleteI feel the same. When I'm obsessing about food, my OCD issues decrease immensely and usually feel a bit happier. Maybe it's because I'm looking forward to the scale the next day, like I have a purpose in life or something.
Good luck at college, darling.
Good job saying no to cake!
ReplyDeleteI find that the emotional aftermath of binge-days is worse each time I slip up. The food overload might make me happy for an hour, but it's really not worth the horrible feeling I have the next day. :(
Hope college goes well. Keep your chin up! You're fabulous. :-*
xoxoxo
I definitely feel the same way. You are beautiful. I hope everything gets better hun, and don't stress about school- it'll be fine!
ReplyDeletegah its like reading about myself here haha. i remember perfecting the silent purge... but really thats a bad cycle to get in. you end up gaining weight really. well done on no cake though!! i havent cut in like 2 ish years... my parents sent me to the hospital and when they found out. blerg about the worst week ever.
ReplyDeletehave a great week!! you can do anything if you put your mind to it!!
<3