She's Falling Apart.

Hello beautifuls,

                 It all says it in the title really, i'm slipping and fast. There are so many things going on in my head right now and have been for days. I didn't meet my grandma in the end, i met up with my best friend as she needed me, she is the anorexic/bulimic friend, and tbh i was worried about her, so i went and saw her. We went shopping for the most part of the day. We had a good catch up over coffee and told her EVERYTHING. She is the only friend who does know. Even about my eating etc. She understands. She didn't judge me, she just gave me a big cuddle, and we spoke about it. She's now worried about me even more than before as she didn't know the in's and out's before hand. She said, she doesn't think, she knows i'm anorexic..she said i have all the signs. =/ And i'm only in the beginning stages? =/ Plus she like everyone else thinks i should break up with my BF.I can't be around him atm. He is making me feel so bad. We joked about getting together ourselves! and tbh, i would, i love her so much, she understands me inside out, i could easily fall in love with her. 

Did i just admit that?

She's beautiful, intelligent, understands me..everything i'd want.

Anyway... 

We caught up, had a good time, an amazing time. And ofc popped into Ann summers, as we always do :) ( It's a sexy lingerie shop...along with sex toys etc) HAHA! 

Then i started to worry...she told me she hadn't eaten all day ( for obvious reasons) and she had forgotten her green tea pills..which keep her going throughout the day. So she was feeling faint and freezing cold. She refused everything i offered, so just had to hold her to keep her warm, as it was freezing that day :(...i mean if i felt that way, i wouldn't care, because i can control what i do, but i can't control her. I was so so worried. Plus she was meant to stay the night at mine, so that was another worry, along with her nan who she lives with, kept going on about how she knew she wouldn't eat if she came to mine =/...so putting her through a guilt trip basically.  So to take her mind off things, our mate played his guitar and we all sang to pass the time, as i was meeting another friend that night too. So we waited..and waited in the freezing cold, until he came. And by that time, she felt extremely ill..as she hadn't eaten. And as he knows nothing of both of our problems, he wanted to head straight to macdonalds..=/ AWKWARD. He ordered a big mac meal..i had a tiny chicken mayo burger..which i only ate half of!! :)..and we sat there feeling very awkward as she had nothing. ...and then as my friend is very open about her problems, she explained why she wasn't eating..which turned the whole situation into something ALOT MORE AWKWARD. I didn't car that she told him..it was just he didn't know how to handle it... 

So basically that night...she couldn't stay over mine, as she was feeling too ill, plus her nan won the guilt trip. So me and my guy friend headed to the pub where she was being picked up..had a drink...she left, and we stayed at the pub until about 11pm and talked. In the end, he stayed over, as i was feeling utterly terrible. Tbh with you..i wanted to get so so wasted. But ofc..i couldn't coz of the BF finding out..=/ ( He thinks every time i get drunk without him i end up sleeping with any guy i see) WTF? And plus..me and my guy friend have had a history so it makes the whole situation even worse. 

So basically that was my night.

Did i mention that day, all i ate was 3 celebration chocolates, and half a tiny burger! :) With plenty of water! I was soooo proud of myself! I didn't even get hungry!

And so, in other news..lastly, 2 nights ago..i gave into my feelings. I cut. Why? I don't know..but thing is..once i started i couldn't stop...i wanted it more and more until blood was dripping from my arm. All i did that night was listen to the song that was played at my dad's funeral and cut...And now i want more..=/ Thats all i can think about is..not eating and cutting.

I'm meant to be going back to college tomorrow! WTF am i going to do???! They are going to see my arm..!

I'm fucking falling apart.

I want my beautiful friend here.

What am i going to do? I feel so lost. I feel horrible. I swear everyone is commenting on peoples weight lately..."Skinny girls are horrible" blah blah...THANKS!!! All i've eaten today is a little bowl of cheerios, a couple of chocolates and a little dinner. Not much.

Sorry..Astra x